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I was taking care of my mother in her home after a major back surgery when my husband called me saying that his father showed up wanting a place to stay. He had left his wife of over 30 years because he was tired of her telling him what to do. Once my mother was released from her doctor, I was then able to go home. FIL didn't know what medications he was taking, he didn't even know his doctors names or address. His insurance on his truck lapsed and he owed 1,000s of dollars to people "borrowing" money. He is a Type 2 diabetic, COPD (still smokes), congestive heart failure and heart disease (aren't these the same)? My husband spent hours going through a grocery sack full of bottles to get his medications correct. He made an appointment with his primary and went with him. In the meantime, I come home from work and he has his used needles dumped out on my kitchen table looking for a couple of good ones to re-use. Another time I come home and he's sitting in the recliner in his tighty-whities with blood running down his arm and all in the chair and on my hardwood floor. He told me the show was good and it will wipe right up. During the day he goes to the store and buys 3lb bags of candy, pop and goes to fast food places. I have changed our grocery list completely to accommodate his diabetes and cook heart/ diabetic healthy meals for him and it's just a slap in my face. He saw a commercial on TV about "free" coverage and he called and cancelled his supplemental insurance and signed up for this other insurance that doesn't hardly cover anything, nor is his primary and cardiologist in the network or a decent hospital.


There's so much more. This last week he ended up in the hospital as he was bleeding internally from the warfarin he was taking and had 0 iron levels. He came home last night. He called his other son, my husbands brother, to come get him - he left AMA. Why? Because my husband was smoking a brisket and he wanted some. I'm beyond mad, angry, frustrated in regards to his selfishness. He never should have "left".... he doesn't have a penny to his name so we are having to foot bills for him now, we aren't medical caregivers and are not home a lot. My husband works two jobs and I work 60 hrs or more a week AND run a furniture refinishing business on the side also. FIL said this morning, he was up all night, couldn't breathe and didn't feel well. I told him he never should have left the hospital AMA and that we have to work, I guess if you feel that bad, call an ambulance to take you back to the hospital. What you are doing is selfish. I left........... I'm a horrible person. I don't even want to go home, my husband doesn't know what to do and legally, he is still married so any help that he could be entitled too and/or qualify for he doesn't because they look at both incomes. He only gets his SS. I'm afraid he will never leave.

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Others will give wonderful advice, which I won't try to match. Let me just say that my knee-jerk reaction is to suggest that you insist that fil goes elsewhere. And stop paying his bills. He's been living with you for a month, so no one can suggest that you haven't given it a chance.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Thank you
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Take him back to his wife. Inform all family members that if they pick him up from the hospital they better not bring him to your house or you will call the law.

CHF and heart disease, not the same, can cause dementia symptoms over time. As can untreated diabetes. Which your FIL is exhibiting many symptoms of having dementia. This will not get better, so your husband must act now.

You guys can not care more than he does about his health and quite frankly, I wouldn't change my eating habits to accommodate him. He obviously doesn't eat right when he is making his own choices, so why should you be worried. I dealt with this with my dad, if I cooked he had all kinds of restrictions, similar health issues, but we would go out to eat and he was eating everything that he should not be eating and would actually gripe about and not eat at my home. It is a form of manipulation.

Sorry, long story for just encouraging you and your husband to get him out of the house and back to his own. You can always both start nagging him mercilessly and then he will leave on his own. 😉

You are not horrible for how you feel. I don't know anyone that wouldn't feel the same way.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Thank you so much for understanding. I've asked husband what he intends to do about this situation and all I get is: I can't just put him in his truck and say bye, he has no place to go. Personally, I say put him in his truck...... maybe he will get the message. You are correct, he is just walking all over my husband and he doesn't see it. Again, thank you for "listening to my rant"...
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What a difficult and unexpected situation you find yourself in!

You are not a horrible person. This stuff is more than anyone can really deal with.

I agree he will probably be back in the hospital ASAP. Make sure your hubby is the ONE person that can visit him and be there to find out what is really going on and tell the staff that he is not safe in your home. You guys are at work so many hours and he can not be left alone. They will help find a placement. Since he's still married, their money will be used for his care if he goes to a nursing home.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just live fine until a certain age and then die peacefully in our sleep when our time is up? OK, coming back out of fairy tale land to the cold harsh reality of aging which is all too often a very difficult and challenging situation for all involved.

I would run away to my mom's! Though, not sure how much of a break that would be! Hubby needs to step up to the plate and give some tough love and remember that YOUR marriage is the primary focus for the two of you. You are under no obligation to take care of anyone else.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Thank you againx100. I agree that he needs much more assistance than either my husband or I can do working all the time. I might be needed at mom's soon. She has a colonoscopy scheduled this week where I'm taking her to see if she is in need of another surgery. She's had diverticulitis now for over a month and the surgeon is reviewing the CT scans and with the colonoscopy will decide if surgery is warranted. It is highly possible that I will need to move back in with her for awhile. At least she's a good patient!
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Yikes, time for hubby to step up and get his dad out of your home. Don’t let this drag on any longer or you’ll never get him out. Does his wife want him to come home? It’s easy to see what she wouldn’t . FIL needs what’s called a needs assessment from your local area agency on aging. They can help to find what exactly he requires and where would be best for him. You’re not a horrible person at all, but your home isn’t equipped for the care he needs. Stand up to hubby and be firm that this isn’t working and he has to go to a more appropriate place for his needs
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Needs assessment... I'll certainly look into that. Thank you! I have no idea if Joanne wants him back. Honestly, they are both two peas in a pod. They rented my home (before I married their son) and trashed it. We really haven't had much to do with them since they did that to me. I had to spend over 10K to fix my house back up from all the damage they did. So I'm not too fond of them as it is. He has a seventh grade education and is very old school. His wife is living at her daughters place. That is where the disagreement lies. He doesn't want to live there. They want 1,000 a month in rent plus grocery's which is ridiculous. However, that shouldn't be "our" issue and it's become our issue. Thank you for your reply.
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gl, you are correct. He won't leave] why would he? He gets to do whatever he wants here.
With your intro and this post, you tell us he is likely suffering dementia, and he is not making good choices.
You say he can't go to nursing home because that would take the financial assets of he and his wife, but that isn't true. A lawyer will have to be sought for him and wife to divide assets. Then he will be placed, his assets going to his care until he requires medicare.
This is what happens when there are no children with a door to knock on to say "I am moving in".
With non compliance with medical care and blood thinners on board (as a nurse I saw more death from side effects of blood thinners than any other medications) this may be self limiting. In any case it will end with another hospitalization.
When that happens I recommend the "ER Dump" as it's called; you tell a social worker you will not allow him back in your home and he needs placement, and she goes to work; it is the social worker's job to do this; he or she will be good at it, and will work with this man's wife to get guardianship by her or by the State if she and you don't choose to do it; if you do choose to do it know that he will be non compliant throughout.
This is going to destroy your marriage. It will be sacrificed, and in the end your husband will not be able to care for his father in any case and your FIL will receive no quality care.
You would do well to move in with Mom now for a while, as BarbBrooklyn suggests; she could likely use the extra care as well. Let your husband on his own that this is not doable.
I am so sorry for all involved here, but if life were as easy as knocking on the door and saying "Here I am; I am moving in " then a lot of us would have very full houses.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Thank you Alva. Yes, I actually work in administration at a hospital and I'm familiar with the ER Dump. I brought it up to my husband and his words were how cruel do you think I am?.............. so, I took that as a no. With him leaving AMA last night, I don't have any doubt by the end of the week, he will be right back at the hospital. My daughter is a nurse and FIL believe she can come over anytime and take care of him. I said no, she works and has her own family to care for, she is not your nurse.

Alva, the man has no assets except a 1980's old truck and the clothes on is back. That's it. As far as the lawyer - I asked FIL if he had a lawyer to start the divorce and he said: I'm not getting no da... lawyer, those cost money, we're just spiting bills up and moving on. I told him then, that doesn't work. Legally you are still responsible for things she does and vice versa. He has a 7th grade education. He doesn't understand at all.

Yes, blood thinners are the devil and the doctor at the hospital couldn't figure out from his medical history why he was even on him. FIL doesn't know - he just said, I've got thick blood. Who knows, but he was having a GI bleed, rectal bleed and had wounds on his arms from tears that were horrible for me to stop from bleeding. They took him off of it. Home health is to be coming out once a week to check his NRI.
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Your FIL needs a more medically supportive environment than your home (or anyone's home, likely) if he doesn't know why he is taking Warfarin and doesn't know how to track his own INR. And is using used needles...

He is non-compliant (doesn't like his wife telling him what to do [like take his meds, eat a diet that reduces his dependence on insulin, use clean needles]) and is going to kill himself living without supervision (which you cannot provide).

Unless your husband is going to quit his job and stay home to care for dad, this isn't going to work. Because dad NEEDS MORE CARE. The way to get him that care is to take him back to the ER and tell them that you cannot care for him.

It is by no means cruel. It is getting this frail old man what he needs.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 12, 2020
Most people don't track their own INR. The machines are not as accurate as a lab.

Fortunately they are sending home health, I was taking my dad weekly and I fought tooth and nail for in home service.
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Good Lord.

Your FIL didn't "move in"; he is squatting at your house. He showed up feeling like he had every right in the world to stay there. And expected you to house, feed, and take care of him. Like he's some pitiful orphan. Sadly, he's gotten what he wants. Of course he won't leave; he's living the good life with you two!

If your husband thinks doing an ER dump or facility or sending him back to his wife is "cruel"... then he does not understand that the real cruelty here is to let him decline while he trashes your home, takes your money, and ruins your marriage.

I'd guess your checking accounts and such are joint. But you may need to create your own account. If your husband wants to throw away money on his father, he can do that with his own earnings.

The fact that your husband won't stand up to him and defend you and your home is disturbing. What is he afraid of? It sounds like the FIL will get upset at anything besides you two devoting your lives to him. If he's always been this selfish, I can't imagine he was a great parent to you husband. If so, he may be hoping this is a chance to get the father/son relationship he never got, a means to heal old wounds. It won't happen, but it's hard to convince people otherwise.

Yes you could go stay with your mom for awhile, but that doesn't fix the problem. Your leaving wouldn't bother FIL in the least. You shouldn't have to leave at all! It's YOUR home. If your husband just won't get him out, then they need to get an apartment somewhere. If he wants to accommodate his father this much, he can do that. Just not in your house.
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Next time he is in the hospital do not allow him to be released back to your home AMA. Tell dear BIL he is not to pick him up unless formally discharged. Let him go to rehab. Medicare will pay the first 20 days 100%, The next 21 to 100 50%. While he is there have him evaluated for Dementia. Tell them he does not take his insulin properly and with your jobs you can not be there 24/7. If he is declared needing 24/7 care look into getting him placed in a NH facility. Where I live, they are one and the same. Easy transition. Apply for Medicaid.

Your FIL is entitled to at least half of his SS. I would inform the person taking care of Mom that its needed to help pay for his meds, etc. His check comes in his name, hers in hers.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Thank you JoAnn for taking the time to reply. Yes, I will tell husband to contact the social worker and tell them he can't come back. All he has is Medicare - no supplement and yes he needs to apply for Medicaid. He also needs a dementia evaluation as it runs on his side of the family. All of his brothers and one sister has or had it. He receives his SS check and that is what is used to pay his bills with. Cell Phone, truck insurance, other bills he accumulated while married and paying back people he owes money too. He doesn't have any financial sense.
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Lock the doors and turn off the lights if the other son picks him up from the hospital then he can take him home.

Sorry you are going thru this.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
Thank you Kmjfree.
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The hospital may be required to report him to APS. Don't be shocked if they show up.

They can be your ally in this; don't feel bad about saying that you are unable to get him to comply with his medical care and that he clearly needs the State to step in as his guardian.
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glbeesley Oct 12, 2020
I have no doubt he will be back in the hospital within the week. Thank you Barb for listening to me rant this morning. I appreciate you.
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