My husband and I are living in a one bedroom flat whilst house hunting for our dream home. My father in law moved in 6 months ago after a stroke. He sleeps in a bed in our living room and most of his clothing is in drawers in my bedroom due to lack of space. He sleeps at very unusual times - he can be awake all night and sleep till 7pm which means we cant use the living room. Or he will go to sleep at 6pm and wake up at 1am. He used to sit in his underwear and not get dressed and even done this when a physiotherapist came!! I have seen him naked as he walks to and from the bathroom with no clothes on, however my husband has told hom that it isnt acceptable and he does this less. He comes into my bedroom when my husband goes out to get some of his clothes. The other morning my husband went out and I had just woken up, he left my bedroom door open and I could hear funny noises - his father was watching pornography and masturbating in the living room with the door open, knowing fine well I was home myself!!! I havent told my husband about the masturbating but I have said that I feel uncomfortable and dont want him around. His hygiene is poor and has showered twice since he has been here, even though we have gotten him bathing aids, he leaves faeces in the toilet and doesnt flush or change his clothing/underwear despite asking for his laundry. All he does all day long is watch television and smoke cigarettes even though we have tried to encourage him to do other activities. Ifeel as though he needs to be in assisted living or a residential home but my husband says that his father is fine at the moment and if he starts having problems with incontinence then we will talk about finding him elsewhere to live. He says that he cant throw his father out. What do I do in this situation? Obviously I dont want to leave my husband but I feel very uncomfortable and uneasy in my own home and cant look his father in the eye anymore.
Document what is happening and hand it to your husband to read if that is easier for you than verbalizing it.
Fil's doctor needs to know what he is like too. It certainly sounds like undiagnosed dementia. He needs an evaluation and then placement in a suitable facility.
This is way past what you should be living with - way, way past.
As others have said, you need alternative accommodation in case your hub doesn't realize that this is intolerable for you.
Take care of yourself and let us know how you are.
Why does your husband get to decide that "dad is fine"?
Dad is NOT fine. You are apparently around more than husband is, so you really need to report FIL's behavior.
And yes, do you have someplace to go if husband thinks his first duty is to his father? You need to be assertive in this situation; your safety is at stake.
Tell your husband IMMEDIATELY about your FIL masturbating to porn. He needs to know what's going on so he can make arrangements to place his father elsewhere, outside of your home. It's not safe to have this man inside of a 1 bedroom apartment where you have NO privacy at all. What if he decides to hurt you next? Perhaps unintentionally, but in the end, that doesn't matter. All that DOES matter is YOUR safety!
The best thing you can do is get together with your husband, get FIL to the doc for a full work up and dementia evaluation, and a recommendation as to where he'd fit best in a residential care setting.
Best of luck!
FIL has crossed a line and he must leave now. If your dh does not step up, you need to move out.
I would give up the idea of your dream home. You will hate it because your FIL is there being his self.
How do you feel that your husband has chosen his father over you? Can you really accept that for the duration? What is your line? We know that your husband's is incontinence, but what is yours? Do you have to do all the extra work that comes with FIL? Are you willing to stop doing anything and let your husband carry the load?
You need to figure this out and then have a face to face private conversation with your husband and tell him where you stand and how you feel and what you see happening in the future. Maybe have some information on the real life options for where FIL can live, how that will be paid for and how you will be supportive in that setting.
I wouldn't be married to a male that put my wellbeing at risk by providing a place to live to someone that didn't have enough self control to wait until he had privacy to do what he needed to do. To me his actions smack of sexual predation.
You are the one with decisions to be made, your husband has told you where he stands. But you do owe him the full truth before you make demands. Maybe he will find dads behavior inappropriate enough to change his mind.
If I were in your position, I would tell my husband everything. If you can't bring yourself to say it, show him exactly what you wrote in your post. If you are at the end of your patience, then it's time to draw a line in the sand with your husband. But, unfortunately you might not get the answer you want from your husband. So if hubby tells you he's not willing/able to get rid of his dad, what are you prepared to do?
If you tell hubby everything and he's still not willing to put your feelings ahead of whatever obligations he feels towards his dad, I guess you will have a major decision to make. And you're the only one who can decide what's best for you.
Good luck!
It sounds as though it's possible that FIL has developed some dementia symptoms since the stroke; that's not unusual. Does your husband go with his dad to doctor appointments? Was he assessed as not being able to live alone any longer after the stroke?
In your situation, I think I"d sit my husband down and tell him exactly what you have observed father doing. Tell him that you are not moving forward with any plans for home, kids (don't know if you're planning them, but I wouldn't subject a child to this) or a life together until he gets his father settled someplace other than your living room.
You married your husband, not your father. He needs to see that his FIRST loyalty is to you and your safety and comfort.