Father-in-law is smitten with a lady who has a history of preying on elderly people. Need advice.

My father is in the same type of relationship. He became mentally unstable after my mother's death 8 years ago. His mother died at the age of 100 in September of 2017, which led to further deterioration of his physical and mental health. He was a good caregiver to my mother and grandmother.

A woman my age entered the picture after his mom died. We believe she found him via the obituary in the local paper. She called my dad and convinced him she knew his mother and had visited her in the nursing home. He took her out to dinner and they began dating.

Concerned, my brother and I hired a private investigator. The PI indicated she had been married 5 times before. She married her last husband while he was in hospice care. After his death, she moved all over the state and eventually moved back in with one of her ex-husbands.

I called APS and make a police report. After the APS social worker paid him a visit, he cut all ties with family members, sold his home and has moved to an apartment with her. Her son is a drug dealer and I found my mother's things for sale on his Facebook page.

He married her in November. We have had no further contact with him and don't know where he is living.

He is suffering from TIA secondary to atrial fib and is on coumadin. I fear she will push him down the stairs and that will be the end.

I had a naughty thought. How about hiring a couple of hookers to call and tell him that his Viagra supplier has given him the prize for being the oldest customer, and sent them around to give him a good time? Safety in numbers, and it might take his mind off the grifter! Let him know that there's more than one fish in the sea.

It's dicey caring for a selfish parent that promises inheritance in exchange for your care giving. It's not just that wills and trusts can be revoked and rewritten at anytime. As well as beneficiary designations. You may assume that because you
are dropping everything to care for him, that he'll be grateful and want to watch
out for your interests as well as his. Don't count on it.

Another thing is that with quality care, people can easily outlive their savings and investments. I've seen it happen over and over. People are now living well into their 100's and need special care 24/7. Special care 24/7 for decades. Consider also that selfish drama prone people are absolute magnets for grifters. It's possible that you may be dealing with this type of thing for another decade or even two.

Sometimes the very best you can do for all involved is find a quality assisted care
facility and have outside people, such as elder care attorney, financial adviser and
accountant, be involved to make sure grifters can't siphon off his funds.

Good luck!!!

Anonymous:

Unless your grandfather is diagnosed with a health issue that makes him incapable of making competent decisions, and unless you use that diagnosis to bring to a court to have you grandpa declared incompetent, you are right......., there is nothing you can do.

If a court will not declare your grandpa incompetent, he can make his own decisions and your actions may be deemed financial elder abuse of your grandpa.

There are ways to override a will. If those methods are used it could render the will meaningless.

I suggest you talk to an elder care attorney.

But again, be cautious about getting into it with this person.

She is an elder, and you can be charged with emotional abuse of an elder.

You say this woman is savvy.....well than I am sure she is aware of what is deemed elder abuse or harassment.

If your grandfather is deemed competent and does not support your complaint you could be in legal trouble for elder abuse, either criminally or civilly.

If she files even just a civil suit, she may win, if she has no criminal record.

You say this woman has done this type of thing before. But unless she was convicted of elder abuse or fraud herself, there will be nothing you can do.

Has this woman actually been convicted of a crime or is it just hearsay?

Both my parents were / are extremely self-centered and are severely personality disordered.

My experience with multiple similar (but not identical) situations is this: you can talk to your foolish parent 'till you're blue in the face, but whatever you say will go in one ear and out the other. Still, you do have a moral and ethical responsibility to warn.

The best way is to confront the bad girlfriend with all the information you have on her. Tell her that you know that she's pulled the 'girlfriend' scam on other elderly men and you strongly suspect that she is taking advantage of your father. Whenever I've had to do this, confronting someone who I strongly believed was scamming my parents (or giving my parents potentially deadly advise), the person in question beat a hasty retreat.

I would also consider talking to the social worker at the Counsel for Aging in the town / city / region your father lives in. They are very familiar with 'girlfriend' and 'boyfriend' scams that prey upon lonely elders. In your situation, you can talk to this social worker for free. This social worker will know what resources are available (to him and to you) and strategize with you.

If you decide to hold a family meeting about this, I would strongly consider hiring an Elder Care Coordinator as a mediator. Most elder care coordinators are either very experienced, advanced practice nurses (such as Nurse Practitioners) or licensed, independent social workers (MSW + years of experience) who work exclusively with elders and their families. You probably want someone who has mental health experience as well (most elder care coordinators who are MSWs do). The elder care coordinator will want to meet with you (and anyone else in your family) who is concerned about your father's new love interest, for a 'lay of the land' and help you plan a family meeting.

Good Luck!

I’m sorry to trouble you again, but perhaps should comment on your answer that ‘the will is already made out’. Wills can be changed very easily. I hope that your situation sorts itself out well, and send you best wishes.

Unfortunately, asking strangers in any 'social media' for advice will get any of us a wide range of answers. Some not helpful at all. My experience after a lifetime (I am 69 and that is considered an "elder"..bizarre to me, but yep, that's the way it is!) of seeing other family members and my DH family became insane over 'money and inheritance! There was an actual screaming fight in a parking lot after the elderly auntie died... for her whole life she was a member of my DH's family...when she was 85 suddenly "long lost relatives' got hold of her, she changed a will to THEM, that assigned my DH and his sisters ALL her assets, upon her death. They quickly moved her to AZ with them, and only a lot of arguments got the 'showing' service back in CA. The thing is... it was ALWAYS HER money..to do as she pleased up to the LAST SECOND. But I saw my DH's sisters and DH plot and plan how they would spend their 'big chunk' someday. It was just plain ugly all around. Money does things, even talking about it is difficult for many. SAME thing happened when grandma died, lots of misunderstandings. As "Dear Abby" used to say "giving" a gift (your time and care is also the gift) does not need to be repaid. It CAN be, but there is no guarantee it will be respected or reciprocated, UNLESS it was negotiated at the start. Just ask the FIL to talk with them, tell them their concerns, be open about the costs to them for their care of him, and their fears. Wills can be changed at any time, no one has control over FIL's choice, but speak up before that lady does alter everything.

APS is Adult protective services.

They will only intervene once a crime has been committed.

Once you are on their radar it may be easier, I didn't have any luck getting my dad help but you may be lucky.

Predators have no age limit, a snake in the grass at 17 or 75 is still a snake.

I hope that she finds another victim before she harms your family.

Have you anyone that could be competition for her? Maybe get her out of the picture with a hired 65 year old,? Just a thought.

I realize I am not a very good writer and probably haven’t gotten across here all the details. However most of the comments being made are off base or responses are being made after reading only portions of what what was written or made from reading other’s responses. So, thanks anyway, but I think I will go somewhere else.

All else aside. He is single, what is wrong with him having sex? Good for him if he can still get it up at 87. No wonder she makes him feel good. My husband makes me feel good too and I try to do the same for him. Good luck on making him believe he needs to stop his sex life.

I agree with Faerifiles:

You agreed to take care of your dad hoping to inherit his money.

This is the wrong reason to agree to caregiving. If your only reason is an inheritance, you would probably be better off using his money to put him in an assisted living facility.

If he was in a facility, this predator lady would not easily be able to get his money.

I deal with this issue a lot with clients. Unfortunately, if your dad has not been deemed INCOMPETENT by a court of law, he can make his own decisions.

I had one client who bought his new girlfriend a $50,000 engagement ring and was spending a fortune on traveling with her. Still, there was nothing the family could do.

Then, too, there was one a family that considered the father's girlfriend a predator but she turned out to be a lovely lady who was taking good care of him, and made him happy.

It is very difficult to have someone declared incompetent by a court, even people with dementia may be deemed capable of making life choices on their own.

There is a good reason for that.

Your dad is not a child, and if he has not been legally declared incompetent, you can not dictate his choices.

Also how are you "taking care of him" .....is he living in your home? Are you living in his? Are you simply stopping by to ensure bills are paid or driving him to the doctor?

Lastly as for getting elder protective services involved....do not forget this 75 year old lady is an elder, too.

If she took him to a neurologist as you state, then unless the neurologist will state that he is incompetent and you go to court with this to have him declared incompetent by the court, there is nothing you can do.

Also, if the neurologist says he is competent, the court may start to become concerned that you are engaging in financial exploitation of your FIL.

You made a choice to care for him at quite an expense to yourselves. You made that choice based on an assumption that you would inherit all he had when he died. I'm sorry for what that assumption may have cost you. You can't fix what is past, only what is happening now and the future. I agree with the others who say it's time to have a conversation with him about the monetary value of what you are doing to make his life easier. Let him see what it would cost him to hire someone else to do what you do. That will appeal to the selfish side of his personality. Get some numbers down on paper in the form of a care agreement contract. It was horribly unfair for him to use you and take advantage of your love by letting you put everything on the line to care for him but if he's of a selfish nature, in general, then that was something to be expected of him. People can generally be counted on to follow their nature.

On the flip side, if he is of sound mind, then he has a right to be as selfish as he likes. He has spent his life working to achieve the monetary means he now has and he is free to blow it all away on a "last hurrah" if he so chooses. If he is of sound mind, you have no right to control his social life or decide how or who he spends his money on. He has a right to choose any companionship for himself that he likes and give that companion what he wants to give them. What you see as a bad choice, he may see as a last chance to have a good time of life before he exits life. Who you see as a predator, he may see as fun caring person who enjoys his company and knows how to have a good time. From his point of view she may simply be a good investment in making the last years of his life fun ones.

Assuming he is of sound mind, any conversations that make it seem as if you feel he is too stupid to make his own choices probably won't go well. No one likes to be treated like a child when they are grown. It's probably time to get your situation resolved with him as one adult to another and do so legally and on paper. Sorry you're going through this. I hope you can work out a solution that allows all involved to feel a fair agreement has been made.

Call your county clerk's office and see if they have an elder care center or family law center they can refer you to. Become a client so you can recieve their services, explain you need a couple of consults to solve a tricky financial abuse situation where you need to know your options. Sometimes these services are free to the community.

These folks will have seen EVERYTHING possible and will probably be able to tell you how other caregivers in your area have dealt with a predatory person.

Then, stay as warm and friendly as possible with the the predator and your dad so you can collect evidence and make it obvious you are collecting evidence of the predatory behavior and accidentally leave the law center business card out.

I was so glad to make the acquaintance of the staff at our relevant elder law center, the people were cut and dry and extremely effective. Ours is not politically correct and openly worked to help us fix a bad situation. They laid out several different legal options, one of which involved Family Court, which would not be public record if pursued so no names in the newspaper. That option was used as enough of a threat to stop the predatory situation before it turned out of control.

A successful predator knows when they prey is too powerful to deal with and slinks away to find another victim.

You may have to get APS involved. Exploiting him for sex and money? That's rich.

If he has his own mind and cognizant there is nothing you can do. If he has dementia, you need to be his POA to manage his financial affairs. If you did not do this when he was "with it" you will need to get a court order to establish legal guardianship. See an eldercare attorney.

Explain or what is APS? Answer to one lady’s ?. Yes she is having sex or attempting to. She helped him with an appointment to urologist. We found the Viagra in his gun safe. We had an appointment with a neurologist, which she persuaded him to not go by telling him that we were trying to have the dr say he is crazy so we can control all his affairs and take over his $. When the fact is, she is the one doing the controlling. We’re just trying to keep him from making a terrible mistake. One of the first responders here seemed to think its all about the $. Sure there is some $ involved. But it’s not about the $. We are going to take care of his needs regardless. But it makes me sick to my stomach to watch this happen and that there is nothing anyone can do about it. All the elder abuse laws require a crime to be committed before they will investigate or prosecute. The fact that she has done this before should be evident enough. But the law says she has committed no crime. We are not giving up, but it certainly is hard to understand why no one that can help, will not help.
Thanks for your response

I have a girlfriend who went through something like this. The difference was they were in their 90's I think. She said you have to call APS, the the police and get an attorney. It will probably wreck your relationship with him. If he is of sound mind, he can change his will, and do anything he wants.

I sort of agree with MargaretMcKen, there is probably nothing you can do if he is enamored with her. She could even be having sex with him.

You are in a hard situation and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes people can be such fools. As the saying goes, "No fool like an old fool".

This happened to my husband's stepfather when he was in a care center. The female "elder visitor" that had been visting him and his wife, my husband's mother, in their home. When he went to the care center,  she continued to visit him. She never made any attempt to take his wife to see him. One day we received a call from the care center that an attorney had been to see him and he had agreed to give the attorney a fairly large sum of money that was in escrow at the home, and they thought we should know. My husband went to the attorney and demanded he give him the money, that his step-father could neither read nor write anything except numbers and his name. A short time later we discovered that his will had been rewritten and because the man was unable to read or write, we contacted the attorney who held his first will and they rewrote it. My husband was able to take it to his step-father and with two witnesses read it to him and he signed it. After he died we discovered he had changed the beneficiaries on his John Deere Life insurance to this elder visitor and his sister in Wisconsin. His living wife was left with nothing except bills for the funeral service. His sister did agree to turn over her share of insurance payment to the funeral home, but the "elder visitor" never did answer our requests.
She had to help him make these changes as he could not read nor write and could not have contacted the attorney or the insurance people on his own.

A lesson learned.

If you have any rapport at all with this woman, you could start with a friendly conversation as to what does a "youthful 75 y/o woman" see in a "old decrepit 87 y/o man" and see how she reacts. She might catch on that you are suspicious of her and take it as a warning, or perhaps she'll inadvertently say something that gives a clue to her intentions (which you give you a warning as well as potential ammunition if you have to resort to legal or other remedies).

These things happens frequently all over the world. Indeed he is free to decide what he will, provided a doctor has declared he is insane, what should be confirmed by another doctor. If this is not the case try any way to convince him never to marry her. I am sure that the lady cannot take everything, she cannot take anything because she is not his wife and legal hire because there is no marriage. Never the less, if she does, I think you can deposit a claim for robbery. At least go to the lawyer or notary who fixed his will and ask him what to do legally. Sincerely Yves van de CALSEYDE, Gerontologue

I am with mcmahon, confront her. Make her understand that she will have problems if she continues to go after your father. Check into her background and see if she has a record.
Check the will, if you are a beneficiary, you should be able to get a copy and see if he has changed it. Then get poa or guardianship. Good luck.

You'll need to confront her directly and make it known that if she takes advantage of him financially, you'll get APS involved. You'll also need to have a doctor rule him mentally incompetent to make his own financial decisions. Then proceed to secure guardianship over your FIL. Good luck.

A friend went through this years ago with her dad after her mom passed away. She and her siblings hired a detective and found the woman indeed made her living off of elderly widowers, sometimes marrying the ones she thought would be a quick fix to her pocketbook. The family made available two victims of her affection. He broke things off with the woman the same day. My friend said he must have suspected it but didn't care, just as you said, until his money entered into the picture. It isn't that you begrudge him enjoying his life. It's that he can find himself destitute and unable to pay to live out that life comfortably. Perhaps do some further digging, and maybe it is time to meet with a financial advisor to show him what he has left to get him to the end of his life. The rest will be up to him.

You seem very certain that you do not have and are not likely to be able to get any control over your father in law's decisions.

But you and your husband do have control over your own decisions. If your FIL will not give you the authorities you need to support the responsibilities you have been willing to take on towards him, you can reverse the decision you made to quit your jobs and close down your business. I should do that.

The thing is. You made the decisions you made based on an understanding that you would be compensated for the care you gave him. But an understanding isn't even a verbal contract, and famously a verbal contract is not worth the paper it's not written on.

Give your FIL a further opportunity to sort out this mess and reach a firm agreement with you about how you are to be reimbursed, and what authority he will give you to safeguard his financial wellbeing. If he won't take it, if he chooses differently, accept it and get back to your own lives.

If I may say so delicately, and this may be especially difficult for your husband, it may be that this lady's flattery and attention are worth every penny from your FIL's point of view. I'm sure I wouldn't like it either, if it were my loved one, but isn't that up to him?

As for the lady herself, the alleged villainess of the piece, do you have any direct contact with her at all?

In your last answer, you say that your father “is a very self centered person and she “makes him feel good “. You will have to stress that this is making you feel bad and he is inflicting it on you – make him feel bad about what he is doing and has done. Don’t try to tell him that she is bad and he has to get rid of her out of his life. Just fix the money. Say that it will ‘prove to him that she really cares for him, and all the rumours are lies’. If money is all she is after, she will then get rid of herself.

Unless you can get somewhere with a civil case or a criminal case for fraud, the law or any other agency isn’t going to fix your problem. Your only option is to make it ‘nice’ for your father. You can say (and it’s true) that if he won’t make your financial situation a bit safer for you, you will probably have to quit care and get back to earning money for your own retirement. Perhaps that will help. This is about money risks, not whether you disapprove of his new girlfriend.

I have been thinking about this some more for the last couple of hours. It’s a really tricky situation. Hardly anyone likes their parent getting into a new marriage, and the courts are quite protective of their right to ‘make bad choices’. And no-one of any age reacts well to being told that their new beloved is ‘no good’

I have written this approach out as a script for a meeting with FIL, and I think it is self-explanatory. See what you think:

Dad, we need to have a very difficult conversation. Please let us explain, and see if we can work out a solution with you. You probably know that we more or less broke ourselves to come and look after you. We wanted to do it, but we didn’t realise just how vulnerable we had made our own financial position. We certainly didn’t do all this because of any inheritance from you, that wasn’t the point at all, but we did expect that eventually you would leave us enough to make up for the way we affected our own finances by quitting work and closing the business.

We have been really worried by the rumours we have heard about X and a history of moving in on people at the end of their lives and ending up with things working in their favour financially. We don’t know if this is all true, and to some extent it doesn’t matter. It does happen, and it could happen with someone else anyway – we have heard some really frightening stories. We would be happy if you found someone whose company you enjoyed, but we are worried about the financial side of things from our own point of view. We are too old ourselves to start again to build up our own finances for our own retirement. We didn’t realise how vulnerable we had made ourselves. Now we are getting told that we should have done all sorts of things to make sure that we were protected – set up a family trust or whatever – but it never occurred to us that it would be necessary.

Can we talk about how we can solve this? We know that you have needed us, and that you wouldn’t want to hurt us, but we need to feel more secure that we feel at the moment. What can we do? Have you got any ideas? …..Could we visit your lawyer again, the one who prepared your will, and see if there is any way that this can be sorted out?

PS the irrevocable family trust is a good idea

Can you get in touch with the families who you say have been affected in the past by this woman and her late husband? Putting them in touch with your FIL might help. Organising a confrontation between her and them, in your FILs presence, might be the most effective way of opening his eyes. Even getting some information might help. They may have walked away from a criminal action because it was too late for it to matter. Seeing it happening all over again might be enough to get them to take it further.

Does he have a checkbook and if so is he the sole name on the account. If he is of sound mind you could try to convince him to give you durable POA and have your name on the account. I would make the lawyer who executed the will aware of this development. As many people possible that he has dealings with should be made aware of this person. You don't mention his current housing status which would help to know how vulnerable he truly is.