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Don’t let it continue! I had my mom for 14 plus years and YES, the marriage does take a hit! It’s from the stress. Giving up so much of your lives for them. Tending to all of their needs. No privacy and so on.

My mom is now with my brother, at least until they place her in a facility if they choose to. Out of my hands now. I did more than my share. Whatever happens, happens.

For me it didn’t end well. I wish it had. I’ve wanted peace and harmony my whole life. Doesn’t always work out that way. My mom was great at stirring up crap. Pitting siblings against each other, just awful. Oh well...

I hope NY daughter in law weighs in. She is extremely sensible and has a FIL that is in assisted living.

Best of luck to you and your family. Hugs! Let us know how you are doing. Vent all you need to. We are here for you. Take care.
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14 years is a long time! I have to wonder why your marriage is suffering now, after all this time? Has FIL become more needy? Has your husband stopped pitching in with his care? Have you been footing the bill for his care and now finances are tight? Don’t hold your breath if you’re expecting his sibs to pony up some cash for Dad’s care. If they’ve been absentee for Dad’s care all these years, they aren’t going to pop up now with a fistful of cash. They most likely are not going to pop up at all. I’d be tempted to leave them out of the equation entirely. They aren’t going to take Dad into their homes. The only way would be if you and your husband decide Dad needs to go to a facility and he has assets that would be left to them when he passes, they will realize those assets will disappear when he’s placed.

You need to deal with your husband. Don’t make idle threats. If you’re not at the point of ending your marriage and walking out, then don’t threaten to. Be honest with your husband but not accusatory or insulting. Work together toward a solution. Express your feelings that something needs to be done and ask for his ideas. They must be realistic ideas and something that can be put into place immediately. No vague promises. Understand that you most likely sealed your fate fourteen years ago. But compromises can be worked out.
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IMO, there are only two options, another sibling takes him or he goes in AL. 14 years have done your part, now it is time for someone else to step in or he goes into a home.

Your well being and your marriage comes before a parent.
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Report suggestion is to either speak to the relatives about taking FIL in to live with them now, or, having him placed in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing, depending upon his needs. 14 years is MORE than enough time to have cared for an elderly loved one. Hopefully, your husband is on board with getting his dad to live elsewhere? If not, you'll have to convince HIM that your marriage is more important and has to come first.

Best of luck!
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