I've been my FIL's caregiver for the past 3 years. Now in long term care, he tells everyone how much he dislikes me. It hurts. How do I cope?

Dear love22step, I know you mean well. If I'm a muslim or atheist, does that mean I get no reward in heaven? That doesn't sound to me like the way Jesus would run things. I know you're correct according to scripture. Just think about what it sounds like to a person NOT born again. Like a Methodist.

I've had my very loving father turn on me completely when he wasn't feeling good, when he was very unhappy and depressed because of his situation, expecially when I had to be forceful and tell him what to do and when to do it after he first got out of the hospital and I was living with him. I suspect all those years of your being the caregiver, then his having to leave your care (probably with advice from you helping to precipitate the move), has left him bitter and angry with you and the only way he can cope with that is to tell others. Try to understand, it's not you...it's the circumstances.

Hopefully, once he get's used to the surroundings, he'll come around to appreciating you and all you've done for him once again. If not, you'll have to accept, for your own sanity, that he's only being this way because he's extremely unhappy and has no control over his life anymore. He's got to blame someone, and in this case sounds like he's unjustly blaming you.

You know you did your best. Forgive, pray for his good, pray for grace to love him, and continue to treat him well. We're to work for others as if working for the Lord. Rejoice that God uses you. The favor of God is infinitely more important than the favor of men. If you're a born-again child of the King, and I pray you are, rest assured, you'll get your reward in Heaven. God bless caregivers!

I feel for you. My FIL made it clear close to 20 years ago that he did not like nor would like any woman his son married. He has told me he never wanted his son to marry anyone (he wanted him to be a male slut like he is and sleep with anything that has a pulse). My FIL told people I couldn't have kids because I wasn't made right (um...birth of a child kinda defeated that rumor), that I didn't work (imagine the suprise on his friends faces when I once mentioned my job), and he even tried to suggest to my husband that he date a co-worker.
Now, I had an advantage because I knew where I stood with such slugs of human waste however, our problem is in reverse. When he is with his friends he would say all the above. When he was being visited by visiting nurses he never uttered a peep to them or any hired help. Same now that he is in a nursing home. Believe me, I have asked. I needed to explain something because they knew our family kept a distance. They said he never says a peep to be rude, etc. Now he calls the nurses every racist and demeaning name in the book so my only conclusiion is he now has them to torture with his tongue,
Our family does the very thing that ww9729 suggested. We keep our distance, husband goes to see him when neccessary and to do a routine wellness check and I call to check on him and give report to hubby.
I have tried over the years to not have his outright hatred of me affect a small relatoinship with his granddaughter. It has been limited because he can turn on you in an instant but I have not kept her from knowing him. She is just 8 and I felt so sorry for her yesterday because she saw a photo of him and her while we were gathering some things from his home. She just started bawling her eyes out. I hugged her and told her that mommy understands and she asked if grandpa would ever get any better and I told her, "no, honey he will not." I just held her for awhile and thought of the irony that I am holding a sobbing 8 year old who is crying over a man who detests her mother. Sigh.

demented elders say a lot of things that just arent so. i strongarmed my mother to the hospital one night a few weeks ago because she was hallucinating all day and extremely agitated. in retaliation she started saying some pretty mean stuff about me in the hospital. noone paid any attention to it, everyone knew she was just steamed. ( baked ) .

I'm so sorry your father-in-law is being so ugly. I'm sure you did a wonderful job taking care of him and you do not deserve this. Caregiving is so thankless and exhausting anyway without additional problems like this. I'm not trying to make any excuses for him, but could he be mad or hurt that he has been moved to a LTC facility and he's taking his anger out on you? It's not right that he does it, but that could be the reason he is saying those things. Only you know if you say something if it will help or hurt your situation but I suggest you not visit for a while. He's in a place where he can get help if he needs it. If you're worried about him, just call the nurse/aide and ask how he is doing. See if you being away will help him with his attitude - take yourself a long break because you deserve it. Good luck!!