Father in denial. Can I do anything about this?

So, I was married to a man who suffered from 'high anxiety' for 22 years. I always felt he was somewhere on the spectrum, myself, because his behavior was 'off' in many, many ways, and he also displayed OCD tendencies along with an almost 'idiot savant' type of thinking. He was super amazingly brilliant with, say, mathematics, but socially backward to the point of almost being a hermit. So, to say that anxiety ruled his life is a gross understatement. For 2 decades I begged him to get help; he refused; he didn't NEED help because there was nothing wrong with him. He held down a very, very high level job and was paid a LOT of money for doing it. Until one day his boss told him to either get help for his anxiety and social awkwardness or face being fired. So he chose to be fired. From a job that paid the equivalent of 6 people's highly paid annual incomes.

I divorced him when I woke up one day & said ENOUGH.

Afterward, guess what? He decided to go get the help he 'didn't need' for the prior 22 years we were married. His afflictions were given a proper name & diagnosis, along with medications and SSDI to boot.

That was a long story to say this: you can't help someone who doesn't see that they have a problem to begin with. Or that doesn't want help. You can't save a person from himself either.

My two grown children are now in charge of my ex's care & handling. To say they're frustrated and fed up doesn't even begin to cover it. He is SO difficult, that oftentimes they have to literally pick him up and carry him into the car for a doctor's appointment. True story. That's how he was finally diagnosed with colon cancer: by my son forcing him to the doctor's office after he refused to go 100x.

One day, your dad will probably hurt himself while biking because he's practically blind and shouldn't be biking in that condition. He'll be taken to the ER and maybe need surgery for a broken leg or something. Then sent off to rehab where they will refuse to release him back to living alone.

At THAT point you will be able to intervene. Get him placed in Assisted Living or something along those lines. That's what happened with my father who was 'perfectly fine' until HE broke his hip, faced the situation I mentioned above, and had no other choice but for me to place him in Assisted Living along with my mother. That was in 2014.

Anxiety and the associated issues that go along with it are very, very difficult for another person to manage. I know, I tried for 2 decades until I threw my hands up in surrender. My poor children are now trying to manage their dad's care & finding it extremely difficult themselves.

Wishing you the very best of luck dealing with a tough situation. You have my sympathy AND my empathy, because I know exactly how you feel. Helpless and frustrated.

To tell you the truth, an uncooperative senior will be a nightmare to try to control, get through testing and so on, and then just who is going to get the meds into him. I took care of my brother's stuff his last year, and even with his living in a wonderful ALF, being very cooperative, and etc it was not easy. If you WANT testing and guardianship then know that it will be a nightmare to get him to do it.If the AUNT would like to do it, wish her good luck and tell her to go for it. Otherwise, I assume you are helping him out with shopping and appointments; that's what I would continue to do. He's always been a problem. He is about to BECOME a HUGE problem. Only question now is why should he be YOUR problem. Let him request help as needed. If he is ill this is self-limiting in that someone will report him to APS (maybe even you). I myself would let it go to state guardianship and let THEM deal with him because honestly, I cannot imagine how anyone deals with someone with mental problems who does not want help.

Kind of too many questions, so I'll respond generally with more info.

He's late 80's. Blind to the point that you point your finger at paper for a signature and he can't see it. He has Macular Degeneration, wet in one eye, dry in the other. Except for a lifetime of anxiety, no major health issues that I'm aware.

I have a financial POA, that is active, but the medical requires a doctor's help. I don't believe he's at that point. I also don't use the financial POA, keep him in the loop on everything, but every once in awhile he goes sideways on how much money he has. I give him a financial statement every so often in large font so he can read it with his reader.

He also has access to the VA, I got him to go to a blind program they offer, he liked the camaraderie with the other guys but took nothing from it. They gave him books to listen to and he's never touched any of them. "Why would I want that when I've got a TV that goes to the same stations every day".

The last few years have been hard, the MD, he's alone, can't drive, etc. He had back pain so was laid out for a year. I'm convinced it was the depression because all he was doing after my mother died was sitting hunched over a chair really close to the tv. Biking got him out and off the chair.

We also sold a property that's been in the family for years. The stress of that really got to him, he was making some crazy calls to the realtor and I about how we couldn't sell it because of various things. At one point he screamed at me about how something he had done could kill someone! So, you let me wander around with that out there? Note: it was fine.

I get the sense that he's pretty angry with me right now. Probably feels like I betrayed him by trying to get him to accept help, something he just won't do. No one is going to clean that house, not me, not an outside party, and the VA offers help.

His biggest source of frustration is his eyesight. My biggest source of frustration is that he's trying to tough it out, doesn't realize that some of the calls, sometimes, leave me thinking, "oh, bleep....". I live in dread that one day, something will go really sideways, and it'll turn into a nightmare. So far, it's just the anxiety that has been bad, at times, really bad, and I'm sure he's miserable a lot of the time.

He, genuinely seemed a lot happier on Zoloft. It sure made him a lot easier to talk to, much less needy and frustrated, but the drug isn't for me, it's for him, and if it gives him headaches, well, that's that.

Could you add a few more details, please?

E.g. we don't know where you are in California, so we can't direct you to any elders' services who might agree to run a welfare check.

We don't know how old your father is.

Biking - push bike or motor???

What kind of area does he live in? Urban or rural?

Sight loss - do you know of any particular cause?

Your Dad is definitely right about one thing - people with impaired vision really need their furniture and belongings to stay put. When you (or anyone) move around your house turning on lights, opening cupboards, getting dressed, what have you, most of the time you're on autopilot: you reach for the light switch or the coffee jar without any conscious thought at all, muscle memory tells you exactly where it is. So anyone cleaning up needs to be really punctilious about this point - don't move the table just because you think it would be safer the other side of his chair! It needs to be where he expects it to be. And step one for any cleaner or worker would be to earn his trust that they're paying attention.

Can you describe what a typical tailspin is like, when your father's anxiety gets him worked up? What are the triggers, and what happens?

It is hard to watch a parent with extreme anxiety.

It’s a shame that he stopped taking his meds.

Do you think he would be willing to try another kind of medication for anxiety?

Keeping notes is a good idea. I hope that you find a viable solution soon.

I know that your situation is frustrating. Please do not neglect yourself. It’s easy to forget about yourself when you are so focused on your loved ones.

Best wishes and take care.

Loss of independence is a scary thing.

Either staying in denial about it or cognitively not even being able to recognise it are different things. But the result can be the same. He won't accept non-family help. Maybe no non-you help. Because he trusts you.

What activities of daily livng (ADLs) does he need help for? House cleaning you mentioned. Can he still cook, prepare meals, wash himself, wash his clothes, take his medicine correctly?

How often do you need to pop in now? Weekly? Daily?

Tell us about the level of help you provide. Would he be fine if you left for a 2 week holiday?

I’m glad you found the forum here. You sound like many here that are in a position we often call “waiting for the fall” It’s waiting for something, usually bad, to happen that will force a person to accept help. It’s awful to feel like that’s all you can do. But there may be steps in the meantime. Did dad’s doctor do a full medical evaluation that included a screening for dementia, or even mild cognitive impairment? This is something you could ask for without dad having to know by communicating with the doctor before an appointment. Does dad have essential documents in place, such as POA for medical and financial, a will, advance directive for healthcare decisions? Having these done while he’s able will save many a headache later wondering what he would have wanted. See if he’ll work with you a little at a time on cleaning house, sorting through things. I did a lot of cleaning when my dad napped as he didn’t like me cleaning. My dad took Zoloft for several years to calm his anxiety and it worked well. He never would have called it anxiety, he called it his “attitude medicine” and we went with that. He was a world class worrier, it never went away but the med did help. Maybe doctor can suggest an alternative if dad won’t try Zoloft again.

Make sure he bikes more! What an excellent stress reliever. 🚴🚴🚵🚵‍♀️🚴‍♀️🚴