Father in assisted living doing well. Brother treats me badly. Any advice?

You've achieved your primary goal as a Caregiver. Your Dad is safe.

Whether or not you choose to get your things is up to you.
You don't need to have any contact with your Brother if he is abusive or unkind to you.

Live your best life, make a list of future goals - and focus on achieving these goals one step at a time.

"Focus on your future and not your past."

I think thats your problem. You want things to sort of go your way and that does not happen when there are others in the picture. I think your life has been trying to please Dad. And Dad sees women in a certain roll. The Caregivers. He sees his son as the decision maker. Man to man. You can't change this. I know you have opinions and suggestions, thats oK, but seems the males in your family do not respect your imput. Really, you need to see Dad and brother for what they are. Let Dad turn to brother to help with any decisions. You say nothing, NOTHING. You be the nice little daughter. If you want this to work, you need to just give in, stop fighting. You won't win because...your a female. Its what it is. Your like a dog with a bone, you need to know when its time to let go of that bone. Its not that your giving in, your just finally realizing this is what it is. And if you want to be in Dads life, you have to play their game. If it was me, I would move where I was close enough to visit Dad but far from brother. I would call Dad at a certain time everyday just to check in. I would pick a day to visit each week and not the same day as brother. I would inform Dad "I will visit every Saturday, please tell brother. This way ur paths don't cross.

"Focus on your future and not your past."

Thank you so much.

Tomorrow starts the weekend. Have you called brother to make arrangements to get stuff fron dads house?

"your decision right now is not to move away from dad permanently. Right?"

I am having a very difficult time making the choice right now. That's why I originally asked for opinions. Being within a half an hour from my father is priceless. But so is my total health, which is being negatively affected by my brother's continuous bad treatment of me. I could simply never say another word to my brother and keep away as best I can but that would be bad too, and it would negatively affect my father. The physical and cultural environment here is not as conducive to my well being as many other places would be. It's a very difficult decision.

"No offense, but what does Italy have to do with your dad and brother?"

We were discussing places to move to or stay awhile. One poster said it was a "dream" to move to a place like Italy. I said it is definitely not! It is definitely possible for most people.

Some people on this forum may get so sick of being treated like dirt by parents and/or siblings in a caregiving role that getting away can be therapeutic and and life changing for the better. So if you're thinking about getting away in the US you should also consider other countries that offer incomparable experiences at a far lower cost overall. Italy is one place and the beauty is spectacular in many areas!

"So trust me, everything is not good in Italy/"

Yes, there are scary looking parts of Italian cities with dirty burned out buildings and mangy looking stray dogs about but I meant in general that everything in Italy is the result of a very long evolution of taste and cultivation and the result is beauty most everywhere and the food is mostly sublime. That's why lots of people love Italy.

You are like a friend of mine. She complained all the time and when somebody suggested something there was always a reason why she couldn't do it.

You had no problem leaving your life when Dad said "come out here". You have lived in other countries, not easy to pick up and move there. You need to break the chain that seems to bind u to these two men. Dad is safe in his AL and brother has a wife to care for him. Its now time for you. You need to get away. Find a job outside of home.

Lisa, if you remain where you are to see dad, then own that decision.

Your brother and you would do best to avoid each other. This will be best accomplished by setting up a schedule where just you visit. What you bring to Dad is up to you and Dad.

Expect that Fathers Day, Christmas, his birthday etc will be Brothers day, along with Friday night pizza or whatever he does.

Do not seek or expect credit, affirmation or praise for “sacrificing.” Own that it’s your desire to for as long as you decide to. See dad on a schedule that excludes brother, and stay away on days you know he and his family will be there.

Lisa,

As I asked earlier. What matters the most to you? What kind of person do you want to be for ‘you?’ Bitter? Forgiving? Able to admit that you could possibly be wrong? Having a rational conversation with someone who has different views? Haven’t you ever seen in your life where you misunderstood someone or even misjudged them?

Many people are quite capable of making positive changes in their lives. You are capable of changing your behavior if you really want to.

If you slam the door in your brother’s face and only see the crappy things that he has done, then you have pretty much have lost the opportunity for any reconciliation.

Do you wish to be a person who will go to their grave feeling betrayed and being bitter?

I have known a few people who have gone to their grave with hatred in their hearts and feeling like they knew everything. I feel sorry for people like this. I don’t get angry with them because mostly I just feel sad for them.

You’re not hurting them because they become immune to your nonsense. You’re hurting yourself.

People who feel that they know everything don’t grow at all. They remain stuck in a stagnant cesspool.

You spoke with your dad. Did you tell him brother wont let you get the stuff from his house that you want?

I say call your brother and tell him you want to get the stuff this weekend.

Hire some movers to move your things you're wanting. If possible try to put the items you want in boxes then have movers pick up boxes & deliver to your place. If you cannot afford it then surely you have a friend or two who are willing to help you...Your brother is being a jerk and uncaring towards you. If you really want this items get movers to pack up everything out of the house & deliver to your place. I would never speak to my brother every again if he treated me this way. I hope you fell better. Try some Pepto Bismol or something to coat your stomach..

I just spoke with my father. He's great. We'll, not perfect but way better than only a month ago. It appears he spoke with my brother, too. He seemed to be more understanding of my feelings today.

I will leave you with what I believe to be good information. I walk an hour a day and if you have never done it you may be missing something so incredibly wonderful. When I get back from a walk my mental state is usually vastly improved. I may have had a problem when I left but when I get back sometimes there's a solution or at the least I'm much more able to deal with it. My appetite is sharpened but not out of control, like the days when I don't walk. I eat less but I am still fully satisfied. I am more relaxed overall. If I take a nap afterwards it is the deepest sleep ever. Just 15 minutes and it feels like a brand new day. If I don't sleep until night then my sleep is also very deep. It's medicinal. It's like good medicine. My blood pressure is perfect. My BMI is in the good range. My muscle tone everywhere. not just my legs, is really good. I'm sure there are also many other benefits that are not seen. Walking for me has been truly miraculous. If you have never tried it's definitely worth trying.

"but how is it that you have zero friends?"

I spent the last decades focusing on my work and family. Like I said, I put everything into my family and was always there. I do have one old friend who lives very far away but they have so much misery and tragedy, them and their family, that I have been very reluctant to share any of my issues which are trivial, comparatively. My brother hung up on me? That is the proverbial mountain to a molehill, even though it's hard for me.

Then I have some very old casual friends from the old childhood neighborhood. Many of these people are disasters. Like alcoholics and/or they never grew out their teens. I went out with one these friends to a party a few years ago. They ended up throwing up on the hosts kitchen floor because they drank to much. Good grief! I definitely can't be friends with them.

I also have met some people in the last year here but some were too weird for me or we just never connected. If I "get out there" I will probably find people who "resonate" with me. I know a lot depends on me but it's easier said than done, as many of you know.

Lisa,

Periodically you show up here with the same song and dance. The manipulative Dad (recall the soap returns?), the wicked brother and his witchy wife, the sister-in-law. And innocent and belittled you.

And some who don't know you, or are new to Forum, or forgot you, BITE on the bait
We give answers.
Then you give answers why our answers don't work.

Then you ask us if you should move, and as we all scramble to say "yessssssssssssss" you tell us, OK. You will. You are. That's that. Goodbye. You're out of here.
And you're gone another few months.

But. Then. Here you are again. Yanking along the "chains you forged in life" to quote Mr. Dickens.

BUT.......................BUT................................BUT (and they say the "but" cancels all that came before it) the one thing I WILL say for you, and in your favor, Lisa?????
You ALWAYS take anything we throw at you with good grace, good humor, and a gentleness of retort that surprises me.

"What do you do outside the home? Work? Volunteer? My hubs and I always had numerous work friends. We met at work, actually."

I work from home in a specialized marketing capacity. I have clients around the world that I speak with almost everyday. Some I know well but it would not be appropriate for me to discuss my family matters with any of them. Although one had told me a little about their family history once. Just the history, not any negative issues.

Outside of work my family was my only social contacts! Now when I go for walks I often see the same people regularly and we wave or smile but it's not the type of activity that can lead to personal discussions about my family, although it crossed my mind about asking someone on one of my walks what they thought about my situation!

"Why do you believe you have “good information to share”? As in inspiring?"

Yes, like the good experience my father is having at assisted living. I was afraid that he would not take to it and/or it would be a miserable place. But it's not. It's sort of like a luxury resort with all his needs taken care of 24/7. So to others that information might be helpful.

Also, dealing with family is not something you're just born with. I mean I'm finding out things about my brother and his family that are right out of a psychology textbook. Things like scapegoating. How do you deal with that? I'm at least average intelligence and I can tell you that no amount of proof will change the scapegoater's minds! You caused it and that's all there is to it. "But I didn't even know you talked to dad about assisted living years ago and he was against it". So how could I have caused dad not to want to go then?" Doesn't matter, they need deep down to shift blame to cover their failure to persuade my father. That's valuable information to share!

"Brother gave you two weeks. During that time, how much of the packing did you get done? Why wasn’t it done yet?"

I was able to get some things out weeks ago. But then I had meetings scheduled throughout the day and into the evening, dealing with different time zones. Then I got sick. I asked for more time due to this. That was not a problem. Then he calls and says it needs to be that day. I tell him I'm feeling very sick and going to a walk-in care place soon. He doesn't say anything like "I hope you get better soon" or "Can I take you there?" or "Let me know how it goes" or the mature thing "Sorry that you're not feeling well. You probably will be better in a few days. Can we set a deadline for everything to be out by Thursday? Because I have a lot to do and it would take a lot of the stress off me" He could have said something like that but instead said "That's it. I've given you enough time. It's going in the trash now" and then hung up on me. That was very immature, to say the least.

"Then go live there Lisa. You have it all figured out. Why be here?"

Because I do have, I believe, good information to share but what I don't have is experience dealing with a sibling in connection with the care of an advanced aged parent. My experience so far is showing me that if I am not very careful my relationship with my sibling will be over forever, which may already be the case. I never wanted this. Well, in my adult life.

"I lived in 4 countries, visited countless.
If you unhappy in one don’t expect to be happy"

I appreciate all of the comments but I draw the line at the above one! I can tell you 100% that being in a different environment, like a different country, can radically change one from misery to happy or just being ok to fantastic. For example, where I currently live almost no one walks. Why? There are plenty of sidewalks here. It's a cultural mindset and that affects everyone. Stay in Italy for a month. Did you notice after dinner EVERYONE walking in the center of town? Did you notice that almost everyone is thin? Did you notice olive oil as a condiment on every table? Everything is good in Italy and everyone who has been there will agree. This type of living causes happiness. Different environments can make big changes.

"Really, you need to grow up. You're over here on this forum basically making excuses to strangers for why you can't get your sh*t together when in truth you should be back at your father's place going through boxes."

No, I'm here to share experiences, good information and try to get some feedback so I can at least feel like I'm not dreaming this bad situation.

Also, as I indicated below, going to my father's house now is too much of a risk that a conflict will arise. I don't feel good about losing all this stuff but like someone said on this forum, sometimes you need to "let go".

Call your brother and apologize for the delay.

Ask when you can come over.

"Why are you here typing this at the moment? Why aren’t you over there starting on the hundreds of items you wish to go through? What’s YOUR plan for boxing this up?"

Because I have no one I can talk to. It seems to help by interacting here.

If I go over to my father's house it may result in conflict if my brother is there or shoes up so I am not going over there. My brother has not called me since to apologize and that's not a good sign after what took place.

What happened with the emergency room visit? What was causing your stomach issues?

Lisa,
Welcome back! If I remember correctly you moved away sometime ago, maybe even far away?
So what happened?
Seriously your problem is so small I don’t know what is a big deal? Of course, I know you and your brother is ongoing drama.
You need to get over it!
Siblings fight!
If there is one person who has ideal relationship with siblings let us know!
But if you are moving away why fight about all that stuff?
I love your preference of ideal place , spectacular and so ideally by the sea, I would choose Mediterranean.
Who wouldn’t want to live in some of the most beautiful places, I would move to South of France, Italian Rivera is calling me, how the h**l can I afford it? Or Cinque Terra in Italy, any place in Tuscany will do. Or my favourite, Geneva, Switzerland and we can even live there, but we need at least few mill.
I would take any Greek Islands, spent honeymoon there and I would settle for little house. Well, we can dream right?
In the meantime I need to shovel snow.

Lisa, you should read your previous posts and skim over the answers. People have been very honest with you and blunt. I really don't understand why you beat yourself up all the time. What I see here is two male chauvinistic men. As long as you do what a good little woman should do, everything is fine. But when you try to assert yourself, your beaten back down. Treated like you don't have a brain in your head. PLEASE be honest with yourself.

From what I remember about Dad, he does not do very well at all. Your first post says he is frail. If your brother now has Dad in a nice AL and Dads happy, leave him there. Its time you do for yourself and the h**l with them. I have never understood why you allow them to treat you this way. OPEN YOUR EYES! Your family is not the family you want. Take this opportunity you have. You can always take vacation and visit with Dad and stay in a motel.

You really do need therapy to find out why you allow yourself to be treated this way. I think its a life long thing and as long as you did what you were told everything went fine. You have done your share of the care giving. So has brother helping out financially. Dad is safe and cared for and you know trusts brother's input with decisions. Your input means nothing to them.

You will never get what you expect from Dad or brother you must except that and take this opportunity to move away. Get a life of your own. Friends.

You remind me so much of my husbands cousin. No one in her family has any respect for her. You should hear how they talk to her. The poor woman is so unsure of herself. And she gets something in her head and she just won't let it go. Ex: She swears my MIL had Dementia. I told her no, she had a UTI that caused Dementia like symptoms but they went away when the UTI cleared up. "No, I was told she had Dementia" "Well, I was there and she didn't." My MIL was 91, living alone. Doing well until this UTI that was left untreated for a few months. My MIL lived 900 miles away and this cousin had visited once in the 23 yrs my MIL was in Fla. And I did not know what I was talking about. This cousin is decisive too. Can never make up her mind.

Your brother and Dad have given you a great opportunity to have your own life. Do it now! You can call Dad everyday. You can send him money when u have it. Visit when you can. Its time for you to live for you not your family. You have done enough.

Get away from the situation and live your life. You are free to do what you want. Re the house remember it’s only stuff. Sooner or later everything ends up in the trash. Just go.

Lisa,

The first place that you should go to is a licensed therapist. You need to speak with someone face to face and get an objective viewpoint about your feelings regarding this situation.

You are clearly delusional if you feel that your dad should move out of his facility to be with you.

I don’t doubt that you love your father. I can’t help but wonder if you truly know what love is. Love is allowing someone to live their own life without interfering.

You don’t have your dad’s best interests at heart. You haven’t respected your brother’s decision to do what is best for your father.

You are not thinking rationally. I’m not trying to be disrespectful to you. I am only being honest with you about your behavior.

Make an appointment with a therapist soon!

Lisa,
Wherever you go, there you are. Be it San Diego or Hawaii. Moving won’t solve your psychological problems. Lisa, you’ve been here almost a year, you’re miserable, and it’s the same obsession over and over again. Because you’re in denial.

I sense in you a great need to be needed. Unfortunately, brother and father don’t feel the same. You solve nothing by ruminating on how rich his wife is. If you move to San Diego, you’ll still be ruminating on it. Moving in itself will not solve this issue, Lisa. It is in your own head.

Lisa,

Please be at peace knowing that your father is well cared for at his assisted living facility. Don’t even consider trying to get your brother to allow him to leave.