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since I am the daughter. I originally posted this on an older forum and someone replied that I might need to post to a current discussion. I am just looking for others in my situation. My Dad is elderly and been having strokes and is now almost completely bed ridden. My mother was his caregiver at home, but now he is termporily in a nursing home as he recovers from an infrection from a bedsore. He is expected to be there for about 20 days. They moved close to me about 4 years ago and it has been a struggle since they moved here. I feel like I am always trying to establish boundaries with my mom --- I understand she is taking care of my dad and it's difficult for her, but she refuses to hire help and expects me to be his caregiver too. I am torn on what is the appropriate level of involvement --- I love my parents, but I am trying to balance my own life with their needs. My mom treats me like a child and makes me feel guilty for trying to live my own life. Now that he is in the nursing home she stays with him all day to feed him and does not want him to be alone. She expects me to 'relieve" her all day on Saturdays, half day on Sunday and then come there after work to feed him dinner so she can go home and rest. I do not have children and my husband died 4 years ago so she does not seem to respct the fact that I do have a ife -- I have a career, I am on a local Non-Profit Board, I have friends and I have started a new relationship. For others in similar situations I am curious how involved you are in caregiving of your parent? (My parents have resources to pay for help, but my mom does not want strangers taking care of my dad and is convinced as the daughtre it's my responsiblity to take care of my dad.

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So, is your mom typically a very controlling person, or is this new behavior since dad's illness?

It's one thing if she's in panic mode. You may be able to reason with her, get staff at the nh to talk to her about letting them do their jobs.

But if this is a lifelong personality trait, you might find that you need some help in setting up boundaries. Most of us were well trained to say "yes ma'am " when our elders told us what to do. At this point, though, you need to protect your mental and physical health.

Talk to the social worker at the rehab/nh. They may be able to help.

I might also point out that the fact that dad developed a bedsore may be a wakeup call that dad neecs to be in a facility, longterm, for a higher level of care. Bedsores can happen anywhere, anytime, but when they do, you need to examine the care that is being given closely.
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You have a great opportunity now that your dad is in a facility. They won't release him into an unsafe environment. Make sure that the discharge folks understand that despite what your mom might be telling them, you will not be around to be dad's caregiver.

Many years ago, my grandmother broke her hip and she told hospital personnel " oh, I'll just be an iinvalid and my daughter will take care of me" That would have been my mom with the three little kids.

Um, no grandma, you're going to to rehab to learn to walk again. Oh, the indignity of it! But i learned how to say "no".
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Well, if Dad is getting bedsores in mom's care, then he needs a full time nursing home. Talk to the social worker there about how you can help. Visit Dad once a week as your schedule allows, for about an hour. Do not let mom bully you into giving up your life. I do not foresee Dad going home because mom cannot possibly provide the care level he needs.
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While I agree with everyone regarding just how much your Mom will push you beyond your limits of what you can and are willing to do, your Dad may be able to come home, but Only if your Mom agrees to having in home care, that would oversee his bedsores and other ADL's, and give her the additional help and time off in order for her to be able to manage both of their lives. Ever before he comes home, you must establish Exactly what your time allotment of care and involvement will be! If she will not agree to those terms, and make sure she will abide by them, then let her know now, that this will not work for you, as you must be able to continue working, and have time to enjoy your life as it is now, with outside curricular activities and a love life. You deserve that, and she may as well bring him home WITH PROPER HELP, as she is spending all her time there anyways. It would be so much easier, if her were home with professionals coming in to relieve her, just that it cannot be just You, who is her only relief person. I'm sure that money might be an issue, but insurance does pay for a lot of this type of care! You must establish those ground rules, or she will run you and herself into the ground! I wonder if it might be time to have him evaluated for Hospice?
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There is something about single women without children that parents tend to see as expendable. After a while we can start feeling like we are expendable. We do want to help people, but we don't want to be exploited. It makes me angry in my own situation, and it makes me angry when I see it happening to someone else. I am glad that you don't live with your parents. I think the advice you received in the other thread about putting limits on what you will do is very good. Your mother should actually be using this time when your dad is with professionals to give herself a break. I imagine she feels like she has to be there all the time. It would be great if your dad would tell her to go home. Maybe he would like some time to himself -- I don't know.

For her to request your entire weekend to just be there makes no sense. You don't have to buy into her obsessiveness. I am having a hard time figuring why she feels she needs to be there all the time. Is she worried that he might pass away? Or is he asking her to stay all the time? If so, that is between the two of them.

In your position I would decide what I could do, then stick to it unless there is an emergency where you are really needed. And whatever you do, don't move in with them! Take it from one who knows. I agree with the Babalou and Pam that it may be time for your father to receive care in a facility. Bed sores can happen anywhere, but they are serious things that should be handled by people who know how. Otherwise they become infected and invasive and very painful, introducing much suffering for the person and the caregiver, as well. Discuss this with the doctors, then make an informed decision on how to keep your father most comfortable.
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Thank you and this controlling personality trait is normal especially since they moved here 4 years ago. I never noticed it as much before that because after high school I never lived at home and usually lived about 800 miles away so I was only around her for visits. My dads health deterioration has only exasperated it. The bedsore issue is something on my mind too and I hope to talk to some staff or Doctor at the nursing home before decisions are made to release him (if that is even an option). Thank you for your comment.
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I remember when it all started with my parents almost six years ago. Dad had been playing loosey goosey with his medications and had gotten sick but mom was still okay - they were living at home. At first mom asked me to sit with dad so she could go to church. I adored my dad so of course I said yes. Pretty soon "church" was a full Sunday - she just wouldn't come home until she had done whatever it was she did. Never mind it was the only day of the week when me, hubby and Rainman were all home and for over ten years it was our "family day". Still, I never stood up to mom but this routine only lasted a few months as dad got better. Later when things had moved to Defcon 1, mom would create drama to get me over to their IL place whenever she wanted - never mind they had 12 - 16 hours hired caregiver everyday. My favorite is when mom called me all vaguely hysterical saying my dad needed me and I had to come over immediately. Now, daddy had just been put on hospice care, it was 8:30pm and the caregiver had left at 8pm, what the hell could have happened? All of this was still pretty new to me - so I hopped in my car and drove like a maniac to get there. I fly in the door expecting the worst...nothing. Daddy is dozing in his bed and moms just standing there holding her bathrobe. Mom proceeds to tell me she needs me to sit with my dad while she takes a bath. All I can say is - it's a good thing their facility had a "No Guns Allowed" rule. Soooo - decide how much you want to do, how and when you'll do it. Make sure your mother has a clear understanding of what you mean - and mean what you say.
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Shcshl, what you wrote about how your Mom thinks she can take care of your Dad sounded so very familiar. I remember back when my Dad had a heart attack, Mom did not want Dad to go to rehab, she felt she could take care of her husband at home by herself.... earth to Mom, you are 90+ years old !!!

Poor Dad I really believe his recovery was slowed down to a snails pace because of Mom's outdated thinking that only she could take care of my father. Mom also refused outside help. She wasn't all that friendly to the nurse who would stop in to take vital signs... it was how dare another women have her hands on my Dad... and she even snarled at the physical therapists.

The only time I helped was for getting groceries, running errands,and driving them to doctor appointments as Dad couldn't drive while in recovery. Any suggestions fell on deaf ears [pun intended] as I was just a kid [in my mid 60's at that time] so what did I know :P
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Rainmom, as frustrating as it was to rush over to your parents place, probably thinking the worse, and it was your Mom who wanted to take a bath, I had to chuckle when you wrote " good thing their facility had a No Guns Allowed rules" :P
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Rainmom - your story about being summoned over because your Mom needed to take a bath - that's just priceless. She couldn't take a bath during the 12-16 hours while the caregiver was there? You had to drop everything and race over there like it was a huge emergency so she could take a BATH??? I would have wanted to shoot her, too!

But this goes back to what JessieBelle was saying above, about daughters being viewed as expendable people. Apparently it's not only single daughters without kids - it's any daughter within traveling range. Sheesh!!!
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