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Have an idea in mind of what sort of living arrangements would be best for Dad. An apartment? Independent Living? Assisted Living? You can’t just tell him he has to leave and not have any idea in mind of where he should go. Do some research, narrow it down and then tell him, “Gee, Dad, I was talking to my friend Mary Jones the other day. Her mom lives at Bedside Manor and wow, does she like it there! There are lots of activities and people her own age. They even took a field trip to the outdoor market the other day! Why don’t we go check it out? I made an appointment for us on Saturday!” If nothing else, Dad will realize you’re asking him to move out, but not ordering him out and you have a plan.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Ahmijoy

Rather than telling him you want him to move out, be ready to tell him where you suggest he should move to. So do that research first: where do you think he might move to, where he'd be happy and independent and looking ahead once more after his period of mourning?

This is the difference between saying 'we don't want you here' and 'we think you'll love it there.'
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Countrymouse

Perhaps you could make it a question. Where do you mean to go to live, now that things have settled down since Mom's death? Do you need our help to arrange it?
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

I don’t understand why everybody thinks she needs a reason to have her father move out of her house. It’s her house. The fact that she’s trying to find a compassionate way to ask him to move out I think it’s quite nice of her.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Jetcitygirl

Your profile gives no background. How old is Dad. How is his health?

I agree to see what is available for Dad in your area and if affordable for him. Then be honest. Dad its been 2 years since Moms death. I think its time to find a place of your own. I have been told there are a few places you might like and afford.

Then you have to deal with the reaction. You don't say why its time for him to leave so hard to give advice without a reason.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to JoAnn29

What a horrible dilemma! If his lifespan will not go on much longer: Can you - or he-afford to bring in a caretaker? If not, and he still has years to go, you have to bite the bullet & claim your life for yourself. There may be no other way. You can’t abandon parents, but they can’t take your life away from you either. I had to move out of my parents’ house, which upset them. But I moved a few blocks away, and remained a part of their lives. I am now 80 and can still say to you honestly: you must put your life first.
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Reply to annemculver

Please provide more info as has been requested. There are many helpful people here but they haven't mastered mind reading. Dont mean to sound cruel but if you could give his age and behavior to start with it would be easier for advice to be given.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Riverdale


I agree with others who say you have a right to decide to put yourself first.

Your father should have planned for his old age. He did not. Instead his plan was to depend on you. That was very selfish.

Here is what you can do:

1: You can sit him down and say dad this in not working and you are a grown man and you need to find your own place, I will only be a phone call away.

If he has dementia or is disabled in a way that makes it impossible for him to be independent you can bring him to "a place for mom" to ask for advice on where to place him based on his income level.

He must be collecting social security. There are a few very affordable government run facilities.

You will get advice here from people who have very loving and responsible parents and they may lay a guilt trip on you.

But the reality is that not everyone had loving or responsible parents. Some here had abusive parents, parents with severe personality disorders, neglectful parents, downright mean parents.

If your parent is any of the above, you own them nothing. If you choose to guide them to an appropriate facility then you are going above and beyond what they likely did for you.
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Reply to Heather10

Hello - my mother has moved back in with me for the 3rd time (long story) and is almost 92.  At this point she has lived with me off/on for 20 years!  My father died and didn't have insurance and she had no where to go - that was 35 years ago.  So I let her move in with me to a one bedroom apartment.  Well her getting her life together took 4 years as I gave up my room and slept on a couch.  Then when I decided to buy my own home after a boyfriend of 3 years balked on getting married she jumped on that and wanted to move in with here I am 58, single, working full-time and she's back.  At this point I'm beyond burned out - just took this test to measure burnout and scored over 60 - so yes it's severe.  I realize how much of my "good years" I gave to her - trying to make her happy.  I now realize what a selfish, narcissistic mother she is!  I know I need to make a change but there really is nowhere for her to go.  I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.  And she really is self-sufficient so then I'm filled with guilt because it could be much worse.  I'm suffering depression, joint issues - I have osteoarthritis - and now heart palpitations.  I plan on getting my physical next week. 

I've reached out to my family and while they sit back and judge and criticize - I get hardly any reprieve.  They go about their life traveling and having their privacy.  At this point I'm just MAD - mad at the Universe, God or whoever is in charge.  I don't understand why I can't have a NORMAL life.  I feel like I've had to pay the price for her poor choices in life - 2 alcoholic husbands - always trying to find a cheap or free place to live and then complaining about her situation - making my life HELL by her constant criticism.  I'm mainly just venting - not sure what is down the road for me but considering she is in perfect health and her blood work just came back - better than mine - I feel doomed!  Bless the caretakers out there.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Texasgal
Isthisrealyreal Oct 5, 2018
You can set boundaries with your mom. You're feeling guilty for her choices, so you give up your life so she doesn't have to pay the consequences.

If she is desolate, she can get financial assistance, it's called welfare and it will help her with housing and food. Ever hear of section 8 housing?

If you are truly done being her doormat, kick her out with a list agencies that will help her and the address to the nearest shelter so she will have a bed.

My parents try to be that way with me and I just decided that if they wanted me to be there for them, they should have thought about that when I was a child. I won't ever let them live with me but I'll make sure they know who to call for assistance. It's more than they did for their kids. No guilt, no obligation, no regrets, I tried for years, they didn't- so here we are.

Be strong and fight for your life, my parents would not care if I died as long as they got what they wanted, sounds like your mom is the same. Take back your life!
See 6 more replies
1. Assess his physical and mental health.
2. What is his cognitive functioning? you need to ascertain this to know how to communicate/talk to him.
3. Write down on paper why you want him to leave for your own clarity to later on talk to him. This WRITING is important, don't just think about it -
4. Write down your fears or resistance to telling him how you feel.
Write down how you value yourself 1-2-3.
Write down your feelings, i.e., guilt ? confusion? and how you will deal with these feelings. If you do not know, he may very easily talk you out of it.
5. While you will need to flush out alternative housing resources (every city, county, state likely is somewhat different), you will need to be clear on your fears and reluctance first. You need to come from a place of grounded inner strength before talking to him. You can always still be honest, i.e., if he is of sound mind, you can say, 'this is really hard for me . . . I feel very conflicted . . . I've given this very serious consideration . . . this is some of the research I've done . . . here are some options. Remember, it is important to give options rather than set up for a yes or no response.
5a. Practice standing your ground. He may try all kinds of strategies to get you to change your mind, incl guilt, anger, etc. (I do not know his temperment; be prepared.)
6. Find out if his financial resources will get him in affordable or Section 8 housing. Most of these housing options have 'years' waiting lists.
Good luck ! Put yourself first to be available to him later on. gena.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to TouchMatters
Lin1958 Oct 6, 2018
Yes! Always in writing!!!
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