My father had a stroke last week and the Doctor told him he could not drive for 60-90 after he is released. He convinced a friend to take him to where we stored his car. He is now driving around town. What options do I have?
About six years ago, I had a fall which resulted in a debilitating injury - my left hand and arm were shattered. I gave up driving, too. I have learned to live with using public transit for getting around, and I think it can be fun. It's fun to yell at the drivers when you're on one side of the road and they're going in the opposite direction; I just tell them they're going the wrong way now turn around and go the right way. You don't have to worry about gas nor insurance but keep a fare card with you at all times when you're riding the bus.
You can take a part out of the engine so the car won't start-work. I don't know the specific part, but a mechanic or someone who knows cars will know about this. As already suggested, let the police know the situation; if MD confirms it is not safe for him to drive get that letter for authorities AND show it to your father. From my experience, it is one of those "loss of independence' behaviors - and a huge one - that will likely create a response of anger and resentment - for a while. You'll have to 'ride it out' (comic relief). It is important to show compassion and understanding of this loss and not 'just' react to the anger, but understand what is behind it. It might be a good time to bring more people into his life - friends, volunteers, carers - since he is much more limited now in how he can reach out. If options, try to arrange for him to get to activities/day care.
The loss of being able to drive is such a sad rite of aging. So goes the independence--even if it was just a trip to Bingo or the grocery store. BUT--with mother, we sat her down and said "What if you hit a child? You can't see above the dashboard! What if you get lost (again) and don't know where you are? Listed slowly one by one all the possibilities. She insisted she was fine. Then brother finally took the car and put the emergency brake on so hard, she could not get it "off". Let the air out of the tires. Took the distributor cap. Drained the gas. She got the message, sort of, she was just mad. Every one of the fenders of her car was bashed in. Of course, it was NEVER her fault. Finally after hip surgery, her dr said "ABSOLUTELY no driving". She realized only then that she did not have the strength in her right leg to do anything. We made sure she had plenty of available chauffeurs and things have been ok. I know she'd rather be driving herself around, but we all feel better with her NOT being behind the wheel.
My mother's doctor told her she did not want her driving. My mom kept telling us all that the doctor said she "could" drive when she felt better. She's lying!!! I took the keys when she wasn't looking and then moved the car to my brother's house. They get very stubborn at this stage, so you have to look out for them even if they don't want it. My mom was poor driver when she was well, so imagine now....Yikes!
I told my nearly 97 year old mother all the same things said here... to no avail. When I said that the next time she backs up and hits a car (which she did last year) or the next time she runs up over a curb, etc., the police MAY SEE IT and pull her over and her licence will be suspended... What do you think she said in response to that? "I don't care if I don't have a licence, I'll still drive." Thank you to several here who shared their experience of telling a "fib" about borrowing the car- and then it never is returned. Or just physically removing the car and never returning it. AND preparing ahead of that drastic measure by securing some kind of alternative for the parent to utilize to get their errands done. Although whatever "alternatives" are presented will never NEVER be "good enough" and will "cost too much" in their minds. AND the fallout for some of us will be extremely stressful for US care takers to live through! My mother is so self-centered, her need to drive is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than the welfare of others or my sanity. *SIGH*
SallyKB. You are one of the lucky few who have a reasonable parent who does the right thing. Most stories are the opposite. Sure wish my dad was one of the reasonable ones. INHKid: My dad is an alcoholic. He would drive into town (3 miles) and get his beer and come home and drink it all. Every day usually, some times he would buy 30 beer pack and so that would last a couple days. Everyone here kept telling me to take his keys away but I kept putting it off. He seemed to drive ok; just slow. Well, last Aug he made an illegal Uturn right in front of a Mini van. She was not seriously injured but he was in the hospital for 3 days and then rehab for a week or so. Totaled his truck. So, we took his other (last vehicle) home with us as he said he wanted to give it to our son. (this was while he was in rehab). When he got home he had a notice from DMV that his license had been suspended. (Traffic officer wrote it up. Confused elderly man; no recollection of what had happened). I praise God that my dad didn't kill anyone that day. He could have appealed his suspension but I didn't tell him that and when he found out it was too late. I'm the only surviving family and I'm the compliant middle child who has always wanted dad's approval. This is the most difficult situation. It kills me when dad is mad at me. But, if someone had died that day I would be blaming myself for not doing the right thing. If you dad can rehab enough to get the "all clear" from the doctor perhaps that will help your dad understand it's only temporary. God bless.
MsRandall did exactly what others I know have done, disable the car and tell him it will take a while for them to order the parts needed. Please do not let him drive.
Please have another heart to heart talk with your dad. I know that it's difficult to give up the independence of having a car, but it is something that many, many people have to face. Let your dad know that you, other family members, and friends will help him as much as possible to get to where he needs/wants to go as much as possible.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law were in an accident as they drove to the library on a Saturday morning. Traffic was light. The elderly driver of the other car crossed over the center line and hit my in-laws head on. My mother-in-law was killed, and my father-in-law nearly died.
Years later my father-in-law handed his car keys to my husband and said, "Son, it's time that I stop driving. I know that I'm no longer a safe driver."
I'm in the UK and when I realised my Mum was no longer capable of driving safely (she was about 89 at the time) I told her doctor who informed the DVLA. They called her in for a driving assessment which she failed - the assessor had to react when she turned right in front of an oncoming car - and they took her licence away. She was really annoyed and unhappy about it and didn't think she had a problem but I was relieved that she was no longer putting herself and others in danger.
Sad to say we had to resort to a lie. My brother borrowed my mom's car said he had an accident and it couldn't be fixed when we actually sold it to someone. She didn't have $$ to buy a new car and was mad for a while but she had gotten "lost" a couple times and we couldn't continue to let her drive. But, you need to be prepared with a plan to get him where he wants to go and when.
I agree with 'some friend'! Hope that person hears about it. Do a Google for 'disabling a car,' there's probably something quick and electrical (sugar does permanent damage, doesn't it?). I know I'm going to commit salisbury's words to heart, hope you do too, OP. Good luck.
My sister and I disabled the car (put sugar in the tank) so that it could not be driven. He never knew we did it. . You have a responsibility to others on the road (not to mention your father) do whatever is necessary to stop him from driving. This is an urgent situation -- every time he gets behind the wheel, he risks his life and the life of others.
You cannot afford the luxury of having him kill a member of someone else's family. Nor do you want him to kill a member of your family or himself. You cannot afford it. Nor can he.
In this process of caring for elders there are unforgettable moments when you have to do what you thought you would never do. You have to defy your father and make him angry with you for the greater good. You have to bear up under his anger and shrug it off, knowing you are right. This is an infamous one of those moments. Most of us will have to go through it.
Here is the recipe: take the keys, take all of the keys , and/or disable the vehicle, and don't look back. You Dad will adjust to a new lifestyle. You all will. This did not sound true to me--but it was.
Assuming that your father lives in the U.S., follow all the above suggestions to call the DMV, even though it may result in permanent suspension of his license. Don't let your father risk his life or the lives of others.
Take him to a remote area and let him drive around for a while, with you in the car. Maybe he just wants the feeling of being behind the wheel again. Years ago, the same thing happened to me as your dad. I had a stroke, was in a coma for three weeks, and my family didn't want me driving. Eventually, I started going up to a rural area in another state where my very elderly dad lived to take care of him, and somebody had to drive, so I did. My brother was there for a while, and so he sat with me in the car at first until I got used to driving again. Now, I drive my dad into town and am okay with that, but I wouldn't tackle city driving any more. I think in time your brain can rewire itself to some extent after a CVA. You just have to give it time and realize you will always have some limitations you didn't have before.
Calling the doctor so he can inform the DMV doesn't really work. We tried that with MIL's doctor. Instead, the doctor referred her to a Neurologist who told her she couldn't drive. But again, the doctor didn't inform DMV. We took the car keys and hid them and refused to give them back despite all the temper tantrums, crying, yelling and threatening to kill herself. She's still angry (1 1/2 years later) and I'm really tired of hearing about it but until the doc says she can drive, she won't get them back.
Ah, cars and elders are no different than cars and teens.... they get grounded, pout, complain, sneak out and drive, etc. Some elders won't take "no" for an answer because they are the adult and you are just the kid, and what do we know :P
My Dad was good about not getting back behind the wheel after his heart attack, he was grounded for 6 months. In the meantime his eyesight was failing but Mom still wanted those dozen trips per week to the grocery store.
So many times I used "you will lose everything, your retirement, your savings, your stock, and the house"... is all that worth taking Mom to the grocery store because beans are on sale 5 for a $1.00?
Dad still got behind the wheel but he kept hitting the curb as he drove to a point where twice he damaged the front wheel, thus leaving him and Mom stranded, trying to find a house that would open their door two these two 90 something strangers who wanted to use their phone. Twice AAA was called to tow the car. Eventually Dad stopped driving, but Mom was in denial and still wanted Dad to drive her... [sigh].
Yes. Report him to DMV and send DMV the doctors note. Agree, tell him his insurance will be invalid if accidents occur and he could be sued for everything and lose his house, etc....scare the pants off him.
I had same issue with my mom yet DMV did nothing and she continued to drive. When the car wouldn't start she just call towing and they took it to be "fixed" and she was back on the road again.
When he gets home, tell him that his doctor's advice (which, I have to say, could have been more specific and more emphatic) probably invalidates his insurance and that he must not drive until the doctor has confirmed that his health is sufficiently restored. If he is driving without valid insurance, he is driving illegally. There isn't a grey area, here.
One major risk is that your father might have another stroke while driving. He is a danger to himself and others. If he continues to insist on his "right" to drive (nobody has a right to drive. We all drive under licence from the state, hence it's a merited privilege, not a right), tell him that if he does so without medical approval you will inform the police.
And tell the friend what you think of him. Some friend!
Every one of the fenders of her car was bashed in. Of course, it was NEVER her fault.
Finally after hip surgery, her dr said "ABSOLUTELY no driving". She realized only then that she did not have the strength in her right leg to do anything.
We made sure she had plenty of available chauffeurs and things have been ok. I know she'd rather be driving herself around, but we all feel better with her NOT being behind the wheel.
My mom was poor driver when she was well, so imagine now....Yikes!
INHKid: My dad is an alcoholic. He would drive into town (3 miles) and get his beer and come home and drink it all. Every day usually, some times he would buy 30 beer pack and so that would last a couple days. Everyone here kept telling me to take his keys away but I kept putting it off. He seemed to drive ok; just slow. Well, last Aug he made an illegal Uturn right in front of a Mini van. She was not seriously injured but he was in the hospital for 3 days and then rehab for a week or so. Totaled his truck. So, we took his other (last vehicle) home with us as he said he wanted to give it to our son. (this was while he was in rehab). When he got home he had a notice from DMV that his license had been suspended. (Traffic officer wrote it up. Confused elderly man; no recollection of what had happened).
I praise God that my dad didn't kill anyone that day. He could have appealed his suspension but I didn't tell him that and when he found out it was too late.
I'm the only surviving family and I'm the compliant middle child who has always wanted dad's approval. This is the most difficult situation. It kills me when dad is mad at me. But, if someone had died that day I would be blaming myself for not doing the right thing.
If you dad can rehab enough to get the "all clear" from the doctor perhaps that will help your dad understand it's only temporary.
God bless.
Please have another heart to heart talk with your dad. I know that it's difficult to give up the independence of having a car, but it is something that many, many people have to face.
Let your dad know that you, other family members, and friends will help him as much as possible to get to where he needs/wants to go as much as possible.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law were in an accident as they drove to the library on a Saturday morning. Traffic was light. The elderly driver of the other car crossed over the center line and hit my in-laws head on. My mother-in-law was killed, and my father-in-law nearly died.
Years later my father-in-law handed his car keys to my husband and said, "Son, it's time that I stop driving. I know that I'm no longer a safe driver."
Please convince your dad to do the same thing.
In this process of caring for elders there are unforgettable moments when you have to do what you thought you would never do. You have to defy your father and make him angry with you for the greater good. You have to bear up under his anger and shrug it off, knowing you are right. This is an infamous one of those moments. Most of us will have to go through it.
Here is the recipe: take the keys, take all of the keys , and/or disable the vehicle, and don't look back. You Dad will adjust to a new lifestyle. You all will. This did not sound true to me--but it was.
Years ago, the same thing happened to me as your dad. I had a stroke, was in a coma for three weeks, and my family didn't want me driving.
Eventually, I started going up to a rural area in another state where my very elderly dad lived to take care of him, and somebody had to drive, so I did. My brother was there for a while, and so he sat with me in the car at first until I got used to driving again. Now, I drive my dad into town and am okay with that, but I wouldn't tackle city driving any more. I think in time your brain can rewire itself to some extent after a CVA. You just have to give it time and realize you will always have some limitations you didn't have before.
My Dad was good about not getting back behind the wheel after his heart attack, he was grounded for 6 months. In the meantime his eyesight was failing but Mom still wanted those dozen trips per week to the grocery store.
So many times I used "you will lose everything, your retirement, your savings, your stock, and the house"... is all that worth taking Mom to the grocery store because beans are on sale 5 for a $1.00?
Dad still got behind the wheel but he kept hitting the curb as he drove to a point where twice he damaged the front wheel, thus leaving him and Mom stranded, trying to find a house that would open their door two these two 90 something strangers who wanted to use their phone. Twice AAA was called to tow the car. Eventually Dad stopped driving, but Mom was in denial and still wanted Dad to drive her... [sigh].
I had same issue with my mom yet DMV did nothing and she continued to drive. When the car wouldn't start she just call towing and they took it to be "fixed" and she was back on the road again.
When he gets home, tell him that his doctor's advice (which, I have to say, could have been more specific and more emphatic) probably invalidates his insurance and that he must not drive until the doctor has confirmed that his health is sufficiently restored. If he is driving without valid insurance, he is driving illegally. There isn't a grey area, here.
One major risk is that your father might have another stroke while driving. He is a danger to himself and others. If he continues to insist on his "right" to drive (nobody has a right to drive. We all drive under licence from the state, hence it's a merited privilege, not a right), tell him that if he does so without medical approval you will inform the police.
And tell the friend what you think of him. Some friend!