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My dad is almost 96 lives home with mom 90. stairs to bedroom and main bath for shower. Dad is weak , He has familial tremors in whole body and can't even talk hardly any more. hes on high blood pressure meds and prozac and something else for bipolar and depression . Now has alergy to antibotic used for bladder inection. Mom says he's too old for all these meds and he needs to stop taking it all. Put on anxiety meds for sinus problems not being addressed and causing a feeling of suffocation due to flem in throat. Mom says Dr's say its all in his mind and mom isn't treating his symptoms with any meds like sudafed for post nasal drip. I know what this is all about , my husband has the exact same thing and she won't listen to me. Fear he is suffering uneededly due to lack of common sense in mother. I am at a point in thinking it is time to intervene and don't know how to go about this due to stubborn and unwillingness to accept advice and physical help from anyone. Do I need to go up to acess situation ??? I live 1000 miles away. God help me I don't know where to start and how to show up there mom said don't come. I know she's struggling with all this and needs help and hides all this from me so i won't get involved.Help, Help , Help!!! Some one out there please help with advice!!!

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Go there but do not give advance notice. I should warn you, when you get there, she will appear exhausted and the house will not be up to her normal standards. Say nothing. Bring some cookies and make tea. Give her time to let her guard down and confide in you.
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Boots on the ground. Time to deploy for family reconnaissance. Go!
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MaryHelen, familiar issue with my late parents who were also in their 90's, still living in a house with a lot of stairs. My parents were very good at covering up issues and making every sound super fine... "we can manage" was their key remark.

I lived literally around the corner, so I would be with them when they went to doctor appointments. Afterwards while driving them home, my parents would talk about the appointment. I had to shake my head and roll my eyes, it was like we weren't all in the same room. Neither one had the correct information from the doctor.... [sigh]. Probably the same is happening with your parents.

Are your parents seeing a doctor who specializes in senior citizens? Why I ask is that your Dad is on a lot of meds and probably the meds are fighting with each other. My Dad had changed doctors and his new doctor had cut back on his meds, and Dad felt better.

Your folks need either a part-time caregiver to help around the house or move to Independent Living to start out with. Of course, like most elders that age... nope, never, nada. So many are in denial of their age and what abilities they have left.

If you go to visit your parents, roam around the house and take inventory of what looks good and what doesn't. I was never comfortable going upstairs in my parents house. It wasn't until my Mom had passed that I finally did... it was like a whole different lifestyle was happening up there.
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This won't last much longer. These folks cannot be on their own. You can either travel there and try to force some care issues and/or notify local authorities, APS etc, to intervene.

Your folks are going to have a crisis soon that will force the issue. It's very common. My folks are 600 miles from me and refuse any help. I'm just waiting them out. Usually a fall, or hospitalization forces the issue of going into care.
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Before you make travel plans, I might chat with others who are in the home and see how things are going. Do you know anyone like that?The doctor might be a good source too, if you have authority for him to speak with you.
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Who do you know who is on the scene? Your mother does need help, it needs to be the right sort of help, and you can't possibly provide it a) from a thousand miles away and b) without up to date, accurate information. Do you have a phone number for a neighbour, a nearby family member or your parents' GP?

It is just tremendous that your parents have managed for so long independently, and I greatly applaud your mother's spirit. But the best way for her to stay independent is to accept help with work that is too much for any one person to manage, let alone a lady of 90.

I'm not sure you would have any way of knowing this, and it's a tough question; but is it possible that your father is coming to the end of life and she wants that to happen with as little unpleasant medical intervention as possible? Would she tell you if she thought that might be so, or even admit it to herself?

If the worst comes to the worst you can always call their local social services and request a visit and an assessment. But that needs to be done tactfully and supportively, or it could end up in an emotional train wreck for all of you. Or, yes, you could work in a visit; but if you do that don't go at the situation like a bull at a gate. How long, realistically, would you be able to stay for?
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When was the last time you actually observed them functioning in their home? I'd go to visit and see how things are really going. Sometimes, things are quite different than what we are told on the phone.

Will they let you speak to dad's doctor? Do you have Healthcare POA?

Are they living in their own home without any outside help coming in like for laundry, meals, transportation, etc.
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