S. O. Declined quickly with dementia, didn’t take her diabetes medicine correctly and had a diabetic seizure. She was hospitalized, now in extended care. Doctor told daughter she needed to be in a facility. She won’t be coming back to Father’s home.
It depends on the cognitive functioning of your dad. Will he understand what you say? Does he live in his world as he wants it to be? * It really depends on the person and their mental / psychological health status. No one here can assess this -
What I would do:
* If he cannot comprehend the truth due to cognitive functioning, I would leave it at she is still in the hospital and will return when she is better. Then change the subject. * If he is cognitively in tact and aware of the situation and doesn't want to accept it due to grief and shock, I would give him as much space to talk and 'be' with you to get his feelings out. Acknowledge his feelings, not his beliefs. - I hear you feel . . . - I understand you are saying you feel . . . - Say open ended questions only. * Depending on your situation with your dad, i.e., are you / a family member his POA? does he still make decisions about housing? paying his bills ? drive ? - You may need to make decisions without his authorization if you have the legal right to do so. - However you handle the situation: *** DO NOT ARGUE . . . this is a dementia trap (Say, I hear you saying . . . acknowledge the words, not the demands or unrealistic statements of 'what is' - ) *** DO make necessary plans as needed. As you can: * Enlist friends, neighbors, volunteers, family to visit more often and/or take him out for activities, rides - get his mind off the loss of his s.o. He is grieving, whether he is cognitively disabled or not. * Show compassion, be patient, do what needs to be done. * This is a delicate and sensitive and sad time for your dad. Hold his hand and say "I understand". Sometimes that is all we can do. Be there with a loving open heart.
Denial is a healthy (sometimes) way of coping with a situation and it seems in his situation it is good. He has hope. Everyone needs hope. If his hope is taken away it could send him downhill quickly which usually begins with depression with physical symptoms following.
Don't tell him she won't be coming back but that she can come home when she's better. He'll understand that better than the idea that she won't come home. Of course you know she won't be getting better and eventually, he'll figure that out, too. Meanwhile, the family can close ranks around him, giving him more time and attention and keeping him occupied and/or distracted.
This is so sad. Is his mind still sharp? If so, you can gently keep saying that she is not well yet, needs extra care and still needs to stay in the medical facility. Eventually he may understand, or forget...
Chanslor: Imho, perhaps your father did not realize that his SO was not doing very well health wise in his home. Your question was how to talk to your dad about the future. Perchance you could say you cannot "see" into the future. Best of luck.
Like an adult as long as he is cognitively with it. He can go and visit her and he can understand the situation, so unless you missed telling us he has dementia then talk to him as you would want someone to talk to you, and arrange times for him to visit where he will see how SO has deteriorated and the care needed.
I don't see where you're asking our advice about bringing your father's SO back home, so I have no idea why you're getting it! People should just stick to the questions being asked and leave it at that. Opinions about long term care facilities aren't the issue here.
I wouldn't tell dad his SO 'is never coming home'; only that she's being taken care of where she's at right now and that she's under doctor's orders to be where she's at. Period. Until and unless her health improves, she'll stay where she's at and then the doctor can review her situation if it improves. In the meanwhile, you can take him to see her for frequent visits, right? Perhaps once he sees that she's declined, he'll understand that she needs more care than can be given to her at home.
Wishing you the best of luck with a delicate situation.
I rarely disagree with you, but I will on what happens when a person goes into a nursing home. They go down fast. Especially the ones who aren't far gone from dementia. They soon become so in the nursing home. I know that bevthegreat tends to be dramatic in her opinion of nursing homes, but she isn't wrong. I've seen my share of nursing homes. Many times there's no other option and it's sad.
How is your father cognitively? Maybe he should have a conversation with the doctor about her needs and prognosis.
It might also be helpful for you to approach it by saying, “best case scenario’, “worse case scenario” so he doesn’t feel like you’re saying it can’t be done because you don’t want it to happen.
You can find IN HOME care!!! She CAN come back! Look into programs like IRIS which will help you financially to get all the supports and care she needs to stay in her home.
Let him accept this on his own terms. If he insists, right now, she will be coming back home - then just say 'I hope so'....'we'll have to see how she improves'. If he can go visit her, all the better. It is quite an adjustment for anyone to have to live alone.
It is very possible that her dementia (if it wasn't already an issue) was created with the seizure and hospitalization. She may well start to get better.
Talk gently but honestly that his S.O. has health problems that the S.O was not able to care for themselves. Explain that it is in S.O.'s best interest that they live in a place where professionals can meet these needs. Then, talk to him about visiting the S.O,
More details needed here. It seems that your father in law's "significant other" will be put in a facility by her daughter, in which case you have no legal recourse. If this is the situation, you will need to explain to him that his partner needs to be watched in a facility for awhile and that he can visit frequently. No need to say she will never return. If your father-in-law is elderly and will now be living alone you need to take steps to ensure his well being. Make sure all legal papers are executed asap, i.e. will, trust, health care proxy, durable POA. I say this because often once a partner leaves, the other declines rapidly and you want to be prepared. Install wifi cameras where you can monitor him from your phone. If at all possible hire a companion who can help him with meals, shopping, laundry, meds, etc. and distract him from the loneliness of his SO not there. I wish you all the best.
Good response. Don't tell him she won't come home-be gentle and say she is being taken care of and when she is better, she will come home. Don't tell him as it will break his heart - go and visit if it helps but distract him and start making plans for his welfare.
As one has said,,,,,, nursing homes are not where you want a loved one. I worked at several in my life as a nurse. They do not give good care, so many are left in urine that breaks down the skin and leave horrible bed sores. The only ones that get fed properly are those with families that come in and feed them. Nurse aides are overworked and poorly paid. The facility may even have people strapped to chairs, left there for hours. One Dr. told me along with other nurses( that were at the nurses station) "this is just a place to die". As he wrote many prescriptions to keep them quiet. God help those that are in those homes.
Get a 2nd Opinion as Nursing Homes are Awful! She will go downhill fast. Take Father to visit her. Maybe she could move back home and hire a Caregiver and have Camera's installed. That's what I did For my 97 yr old Dad and it's 100% better atmosphere than any Nursing Home! I also had 3 Nest Cameras installed so I can check on him using my cell phone or computer any time 24 7.
Nursing Homes are all understaffed and you can sit in your urine and feces for an hour or more before you get changed. If you press the call button, you're lucky if someone comes at all unless ir's time for their rounds.
The Nursing Homes show you around and say all the right things you want to hear bur believe me, first hand experience, they should be your very last resort because they can be a Living Hell, especially for Bed Ridden Patients. If a Patient is labeled trouble and it can be anything like asking for help too many times. They will tell you the patient is being Agressive or Depressed, ect and will tell you they need to be put on a Rx to help them bur in reality, it's to keep the patient silent and controlled, to make it easier for the Staff. Prayers you can work it our so she can move back home.
If you also look at many NHs you'll see the administrative area is set up in a way, the Admin staff does not even have to pass the residents coming to or leaving the NH
Its important to know what you meant by SO. Are they married? You say in ur profile that ur are helping ur spouse to care for his Dad. Since u use SO and say daughter so this is could be a second marriage or just a relationship? So the daughter holds POA? If Dad has Dementia, you may never be able to explain she is not coming back. If he doesn't, maybe the daughter can explain to him that her mother needs more care than she or he can give her. That the doctors have said she needs to be in a place that she will get the care that that is better than either of them can give. If Dad is of sound mind, he could visit and see that he can't care for her. If Dementia is involved, taking him to visit could be upsetting but u won't know that unless u try it.
The future, if they are married you need to see an elder lawyer about splitting of assets they may share. Dad should retain 50 % of assets. Her 50% being spent down for her care and then Medicaid applied for. Their monthly income of SS and pensions will be looked at. Dad will get enough to live on. If they aren't married, then Dad has no financial responsibility for her. Her SS will go to offset her care. Medicaid can be applied for if they shared no assets that need to be spent down. Once you get his finances and responsibilities straightened out. Then you can consider the future.
If Dad is on his own and has Dementia, then u have to consider him living with you (there are lots of reasons why this should not be done), placing him in an Assisted Living if he can afford it or in Longterm care with Medicaid paying. He should not be living alone. Maybe consider putting him and SO together. Where I live there is a community where there is independent living, AL and Skilled nursing. Its not unusual for a spouse to stay in independent living and the other needs to go to an AL or SN. Or one is in AL and the other in SN. This way they get to visit.
I don't know for certain Geaton777. Just tried to cast a wide net and maybe the poster will give an update. All I know was when mom went downhill they keep saying since mom could no longer speak for herself, dad got to decide since he was considered next of kin. So not particularly saying he has a say or not, it was just a bunch of questions to bring out the post for more responses. Thanks for yours.
It took me a minute to figure out S.O. (significant other). Significant other, my assumption is not married. Am I correct? And the extended care sounds like a nursing home part of a hospital or they are letting daughter know a nursing home is needed. I believe if they are not married then the father will have no say. How old are the two individuals? How is the health of the father? Is he able to comprehend that possibility? Do you think him not seeing her at all will take a toll on his health? If so, will he have someone in the health field to help him process his emotions? Is it a possibility that he can see her and see for himself if he has not already? After that, it just may take time to process. It can be hard knowing the one we love is not coming back physically like in the home we share or may not recover health-wise. My heart goes out.
Answry, even if they were married, unless this person (the SO) was the PoA or legal guardian for their partner they still would have no power to change the situation.
Will he understand what you say?
Does he live in his world as he wants it to be?
* It really depends on the person and their mental / psychological health status.
No one here can assess this -
What I would do:
* If he cannot comprehend the truth due to cognitive functioning, I would leave it at she is still in the hospital and will return when she is better. Then change the subject.
* If he is cognitively in tact and aware of the situation and doesn't want to accept it due to grief and shock, I would give him as much space to talk and 'be' with you to get his feelings out. Acknowledge his feelings, not his beliefs.
- I hear you feel . . .
- I understand you are saying you feel . . .
- Say open ended questions only.
* Depending on your situation with your dad, i.e., are you / a family member his POA? does he still make decisions about housing? paying his bills ? drive ?
- You may need to make decisions without his authorization if you have the legal right to do so.
- However you handle the situation:
*** DO NOT ARGUE . . . this is a dementia trap (Say, I hear you saying . . . acknowledge the words, not the demands or unrealistic statements of 'what is' - )
*** DO make necessary plans as needed.
As you can:
* Enlist friends, neighbors, volunteers, family to visit more often and/or take him out for activities, rides - get his mind off the loss of his s.o. He is grieving, whether he is cognitively disabled or not.
* Show compassion, be patient, do what needs to be done.
* This is a delicate and sensitive and sad time for your dad. Hold his hand and say "I understand". Sometimes that is all we can do. Be there with a loving open heart.
* * *
I wouldn't tell dad his SO 'is never coming home'; only that she's being taken care of where she's at right now and that she's under doctor's orders to be where she's at. Period. Until and unless her health improves, she'll stay where she's at and then the doctor can review her situation if it improves. In the meanwhile, you can take him to see her for frequent visits, right? Perhaps once he sees that she's declined, he'll understand that she needs more care than can be given to her at home.
Wishing you the best of luck with a delicate situation.
I rarely disagree with you, but I will on what happens when a person goes into a nursing home.
They go down fast. Especially the ones who aren't far gone from dementia. They soon become so in the nursing home.
I know that bevthegreat tends to be dramatic in her opinion of nursing homes, but she isn't wrong.
I've seen my share of nursing homes. Many times there's no other option and it's sad.
It might also be helpful for you to approach it by saying, “best case scenario’, “worse case scenario” so he doesn’t feel like you’re saying it can’t be done because you don’t want it to happen.
It is very possible that her dementia (if it wasn't already an issue) was created with the seizure and hospitalization. She may well start to get better.
If this is the situation, you will need to explain to him that his partner needs to be watched in a facility for awhile and that he can visit frequently. No need to say she will never return.
If your father-in-law is elderly and will now be living alone you need to take steps to ensure his well being. Make sure all legal papers are executed asap, i.e. will, trust, health care proxy, durable POA. I say this because often once a partner leaves, the other declines rapidly and you want to be prepared. Install wifi cameras where you can monitor him from your phone. If at all possible hire a companion who can help him with meals, shopping, laundry, meds, etc. and distract him from the loneliness of his SO not there.
I wish you all the best.
Take Father to visit her.
Maybe she could move back home and hire a Caregiver and have Camera's installed.
That's what I did For my 97 yr old Dad and it's 100% better atmosphere than any Nursing Home! I also had 3 Nest Cameras installed so I can check on him using my cell phone or computer any time 24 7.
Nursing Homes are all understaffed and you can sit in your urine and feces for an hour or more before you get changed.
If you press the call button, you're lucky if someone comes at all unless ir's time for their rounds.
The Nursing Homes show you around and say all the right things you want to hear bur believe me, first hand experience, they should be your very last resort because they can be a Living Hell, especially for Bed Ridden Patients.
If a Patient is labeled trouble and it can be anything like asking for help too many times.
They will tell you the patient is being Agressive or Depressed, ect and will tell you they need to be put on a Rx to help them bur in reality, it's to keep the patient silent and controlled, to make it easier for the Staff.
Prayers you can work it our so she can move back home.
The future, if they are married you need to see an elder lawyer about splitting of assets they may share. Dad should retain 50 % of assets. Her 50% being spent down for her care and then Medicaid applied for. Their monthly income of SS and pensions will be looked at. Dad will get enough to live on. If they aren't married, then Dad has no financial responsibility for her. Her SS will go to offset her care. Medicaid can be applied for if they shared no assets that need to be spent down. Once you get his finances and responsibilities straightened out. Then you can consider the future.
If Dad is on his own and has Dementia, then u have to consider him living with you (there are lots of reasons why this should not be done), placing him in an Assisted Living if he can afford it or in Longterm care with Medicaid paying. He should not be living alone. Maybe consider putting him and SO together. Where I live there is a community where there is independent living, AL and Skilled nursing. Its not unusual for a spouse to stay in independent living and the other needs to go to an AL or SN. Or one is in AL and the other in SN. This way they get to visit.