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First I want to thank all who have answered my questions over the year. You have been so helpful and kind and I will be forever grateful.


Father passed away this week at 96 years old. We are having the funeral out of state. Few family and friends will attend the small graveside service we will be holding. It will just be me and my daughter there. My mother is too ill to attend and other family members are too frail. The younger members in the family I think didn't know him well so they don't have the inclination to come.


I would like to make the brief service memorable and am looking for some thoughts on what my daughter and I can do. Father was a hardworking and quiet man who would want something low key and dignified.


Mother seems to want a big funeral like those she remembers for other family members who died years ago. Hundreds of people came to those funerals. But most of father's friends have passed on or are too ill to come. The younger members of the family won't come if it is inconvenient for them. My husband is not coming either. He and my father did not get along well. My husband doesn't understand that his attendance is really a support for me during this time. My friends have been very comforting and have said that I should not hesitate to ask for help if I need it. I got no such offer from my husband. But I don't expect much from him because he is very narcissistic.


I, with the help of my daughter, have been doing all the planning and working with a very helpful funeral home.


We are going to dispense with the viewing because it is not necessary if it is just going to be us there. So we settled for a graveside service but we would like to make it more memorable and not simply a priest reading a prayer and that's it. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

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I am retired from the death care industry and will be the first to say a direct cremation with a simple gathering of friends, family after would not be expensive... A big funeral is a ridiculous expenditure that only serves guilt and sorrow... and after... for one thing, cremation is environmentally friendly and clean. Ground burial will be obsolete in the future. Sorry to be so direct.
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demstress Dec 2018
Thank you. My mother bought the cemetery plot many years ago. It fits two people: my father since he passed first is on bottom and when my mother passes she will be on top. It is a family plot so my aunts and uncles and my grandmother are on either side of my parents' plot. When it is my turn perhaps my daughter can make a nice piece of jewelry out of me.
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I should take your kind friends at their word and ask them to support you. As many as you feel would make a respectable muster.

They didn't know your father, but you and your daughter can tell them a little about his life and about him. If you'd like to. Or you could share readings that you find comforting, or if they're the right kind of friends you could invite them to share thoughts.

I don't know if you're in the mood for this; but you could point out to your husband that some people have been known to attend funerals just to make sure the departed is in fact departed. He might make a bit of an effort on your behalf, surely. If he's afraid that people might think he's paying his respects... well, really, will that be so terrible?

You can't make him go if he doesn't want to, of course. And he won't be much support if he's there under protest.
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demstress Dec 2018
Thank you. Yes, it will still be my daughter and me. My friends are not going to travel out of state for the graveside service. It used to be years ago when I was growing up that when a family member died people would come from across the country to attend a funeral. There would literally be hundreds of family and friends. Today, people are so busy that if the venue is not convenient they will not attend. If you post the death on Facebook lots of people will share nice thoughts, but that is the extent of it. At least that has been my experience anyway.
As for my husband, I don't force; if he comes he comes and if he doesn't that's fine. That's him; he is a cold-hearted person in my book. I don't expect much from someone like that. Very sad.
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Maybe something similar to this would work.

When his wife died (she was cremated) my son gathered small keepsakes, photos, and such that were special to her, or to him in his memories of her, put them in a small box, and buried the box along with the urn holding her ashes.
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you could do a simple grave site service and then hold a memorial service in your church later. Or even have a Mass said for him, if your faith allows it.
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Each find a poem that you could read to each other. There's one I liked called, as I recall, An Ordinary Man. Is there recorded music you could play on your phone that has some meaning to you? Hold hands. Plan a short sequence of events so you have a beginning, middle, and an end. Like music, your thought, words, poems, actions (like placing flowers), and final music.
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demstress Why are you with your husband? If he's a narcissist as you say he is then your daughter and you both need to get away from someone like that. They serve no purpose other than to abuse you. As for the graveside burial, choose something that the two of you can think of to make it memorable to you for all the right reasons. Cut your husband loose. Someone who is cold and narcissistic deserves neither family nor empathy until they themselves can see how their insecurities drive what they want away. Good luck to ya.
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I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, demstress. When my father passed, also at age 96, we just had a small graveside ceremony too. My brother, husband, Mom and I first met with the rabbi & told her all about Dad, & from that she crafted a perfect eulogy about him so it wasn't just a religious service. Also, for many years Dad had a ritual of creating a new short poem or alliteration every morning for my Mom, so that's what I did for him and read it aloud to him at his funeral. Mom, whose ability to speak had been taken away by a recent severe stroke, liked it & it made me feel very close to him. Also he was a proud veteran & very patriotic so we had a flag draped over his coffin which was given to us after the funeral.

Perhaps you and your daughter could both prepare some reminiscences about your dad and read them to him. Was he a vet or did he have special interests? If so perhaps the funeral home could have a flag draped over his coffin, or you & your daughter could bring a few items that were meaningful to him and briefly talk about them and their significance. I do hope your husband or some friends would come to support you, but if not this could be a completely intimate ceremony where you & your daughter can share your thoughts, memories & feelings about your father.

My heart goes out to you & your family right now.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. When my mom passed two years ago, two days before Thanksgiving, I was in the midst of planning that get together. I couldn’t devote myself to mourning for her, and as you said, because of her age, all her friends were gone. She wanted no funeral or memorial, I waited until Spring and had my own private memorial just for me. I invited no friends or anyone else. “Memorable” was in my own mind and heart. My “memorable” was things she had done for me in the past and how she sacrificed having things for herself just so I didn’t go without. I think I accomplished that.

I’m sending you comfort and peace and a few cyber hugs as well.
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katiekat2009 Dec 2018
I am shocked at this! Your mom died two days before Thanksgiving and you couldn't be bothered to mourn her because you were planning your own shindig?! Thanksgiving would have been cancelled. How cold.
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I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so hard to lose a parent no matter how old they were.  {I edited my posting to include some thoughts of how to include your Mother in the planning of your Father's --her Husband's-- funeral.}

When my Dad died 10 years ago, we held his funeral at the church in the town that he and Mom had lived in for over 40 years.  After the luncheon we drove to another town for the graveside service so that he could be buried next to his parents and sister.  (Mom was buried next to Dad this past September 2018.)  The pastor performed the graveside service and my cousin sang a hymn that she had sung at Dad's funeral earlier that day.  Because Dad was a veteran, the Military Honor Guard was present at the grave side service and played "Taps".

If your Father (or Mother) had a couple of favorite hymns or songs, maybe you could play them on a CD player during the grave side service.  I also like the idea of you reading a short poem during the grave side service.

As people live longer, there are fewer and fewer people who are able to or want to attend the funeral of an elderly person.  My Mom died in September 2018 and 35 people (including the family and pallbearers) attended her funeral.   Mom had outlived her siblings and most of her friends; and most of our family live out of state and could not make the 5+ hour drive to Mom's funeral.  {Plus it was "FOOTBALL SATURDAY."} 

You state that you and your daughter decided not to have a viewing (at the mortuary) because it is just going to be you and your daughter attending.  Were you thinking of the viewing taking place at a mortuary in the state where your Father is going to be buried or in the city that he lived in?  If your Father and Mother lived in the same city for several years and some of your family members or their friends live in the same city or close by, maybe you can have a "Family Meet-&-Greet" Viewing the evening prior to taking your Father to the cemetery out of state.  Maybe this can take the place of the "big funeral" that your Mother wants to have for her Husband.
[Our family was at the mortuary on the evening prior to Mom's and Dad's funerals to greet friends for a couple of hours--6 pm to 8 pm.]

(Even though your Father was 96 years old; your Mother, you and your daughter will need to take time to grieve his death.  If need be, please be open to grief counseling or attending a group such as "GriefShare" to assist you and your daughter and your Mother in coping with the loss of your Father.)

{{Hugs}} to you and your Daughter and your Mother.
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I’m sorry for your loss. The quiet graveside service sounds peaceful and comforting to me. Others may not get it, but there are some of us who’d prefer it to the big scene with people who really don’t have it in their hearts to attend. Share your favorite memories of your dad, either yourself or have the minister do it, these are the things that will bring you comfort as you go forward
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My condolences on your great loss, demstress.

The most powerful grave-side service had the fewest people. My mom, my two sisters, and I re-buried my brother (he drowned when he was 6 about 58 years ago in Texas.) He had been buried in Texas where we lived, then we all soon moved to another state right after. It tormented Mom all those years that he was all alone. I arranged to have him exhumed.

We buried him the day after Christmas in an old country cemetery at the foot of where Mom would eventually rest. (We waited until after our Christmas celebration so he could be with us.) The sexton had already dug a small but deep hole.

My sister and I lowered his tiny casket down with ropes. We stood there and just kept our thoughts to ourselves. We puttered putting up flowers and gently moving bits and leaves around his grave. The family togetherness was powerful. I felt this was the purest of a human ritual I'd ever experienced.

This can be a most powerful service for your father and for you and your daughter. A simple service from you to your father can be quite moving. Perhaps write a few words--from you to your father--and a few words from your daughter--can be so meaningful for you both. Perhaps each of you leave behind a flower or a favorite item of your father's with your thoughts and feelings for your father embodied in that item.

I have no doubt your father will be watching.
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Riverdale Dec 2018
That breaks my heart but I hope you all have some peace.
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I’m very sorry for the loss of your father.
Perhaps a memory is what you are after that both honors your father and gives him the recognition that he was here. That he mattered to you and your daughter. Something to give you comfort as you mourn your loss.
So set this loving journey in your heart with the intention of honoring him. Take time to make a list of things you would like to remember about him at this time. Ask your daughter to do the same. Perhaps ask your mom questions about how they met, special dates, memories of his family. Write these out in a pretty journal for easy reference and to keep to share with your mom. You might write something you would like to read aloud at the service. You may use it later for her service. Your daughter may treasure it one day.
Yoy could write his obituary out and read it aloud at the grave. Survivors, those gone before, etc. His occupation. Whatever you would like to speak aloud.
If it’s a road trip, visit with your daughter on these memories on the drive. Perhaps write a poem about the experience later to go in the journal.
Ask the church if they have a individual who would sing or play the violin a selection you find comforting or your daughter would or your father would have.
This performance for him might be only five minutes but you would never forget it. We sang silent night for my MIL who loved Christmas. We were accompanied by a violin. The Lords Prayer is always beautiful. You and your daughter might sing a song. Perhaps there is a hymnal you could borrow for the road trip to look through for a song you are comfortable with.

You could also make a memorial card. A favorite photo on one side with the dates of his life on one side and whatever you choose on the other side. A song, his obituary, a bit of family tree.

I did one of these for a nephew who didn’t have a formal funeral. It took maybe 30 min at a Office Depot I think the store was. It was very inexpensive. Printed it on letter size card stock that was cut down the center, so two on each sheet of cardstock.
The staff helped me.

These were given to family members and friends. A bit like a prayer card but with his photos and more personal detail. You could put one in your journal. Give others to those not able to attend.
If you chose a flower or spray for his grave, take a ribbon from the grave to use as a marker in the journal. Or you might cut a pocket from a favorite shirt to glue in your journal or a strip of fabric from the shirt as a page marker. A stem of long grass from the site or a leaf. Anything to connect you.
One last idea comes to me. Plan to drive by old home-places or his school or work places. Perhaps your parents were married there? Perhaps it would make a route to the cemetery for you to take your dad on one last trip? I hope this hasn’t been overwhelming to read.
I think the point is that you and your daughter are on a pilgrimage to honor your father with love in your heart and that in itself will be enough.

Your plans for your fathers burial reminded me of the book “Gilead”. A different era but the same intention of honoring the father. In this case a son and grandson of the deceased.

The following is a portion of a summary on their finding his grandfathers grave.

“He, John Ames, was born in 1880 in Kansas, and is now seventy-six and has spent seventy-four of those years in Gilead, Iowa. When he was twelve, his father took him to his grandfather’s grave. The man had been born in Maine and then went to Kansas and died there. Ames’s father had tried to find his father and finally learned where he had gone and died. This was 1892, and Ames and his father traveled there. The journey was tough since there was a drought, and they often did not have enough food. A countrywoman helped them on their journey, and they found the grave. ....He and his father spent some time there and tidied up the grave, and watched the moon rise as the sun set. “
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Have you talked to the officiant? It is their job to make the service meaningful.

We just had the memorial service for my stepdad, yesterday. He was involved with the Church, so the Minister knew him, but we went over some stories to share and details the Minister did not know about him. David had chosen two hymns and we added Amazing Grace, as most people know it and feel comfortable singing along.

I know you will not have Hymns at the graveside, but the Officiant should be able to create a personal service for you.

You and your daughter can share a memory too. Talk to him, Say Dad you were a good man and thank you for all the camping trips, or whatever you did together over the years.
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When my husband died this past fall, he was immediately cremated. We had a catholic mass the following week, along with a graveside service at the cemetery. It was only our children, my parents, and our siblings in attendance. The priest did a nice job with both the mass and the graveside service. All very simple, but dignified and meaningful for us.
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We buried my Dad with his favorite fishing pole. Mom passed June , 2018 and we added tea bags, her favorite ...and rosary beads, she had so many to match each outfit. Now they are ❤ together
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My heartfelt sympathy to you and your daughter on the death of your father and her granddad. May his memory be a blessing to you both.

Your dad was born in 1922. Perhaps create a timeline of events he lived through, and what he said about those events. You can thank him for the generational knowledge he passed to you and share it with your daughter at his graveside. I think that would be memorable and meaningful for both of you. Peace.
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I am very sorry for your loss. I think you are beautiful for seeking ways to make it special. I attended a small burial where they hired bagpipe players because the woman always loved that. Just a thought, but it was very nice and memorable.

Take care, remember the good times.
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So many possibilities!
Here's my contribution just to show you how bad and how complicated it can be:
I sent my father's ashes to my sister in another state to bury beside our mother. A family member my sister didn't like showed up at the cemetery for the burial and my sister called the police. There was not much they wanted to do in this family feud, but they stayed long enough to see that there was no actual mayhem, which increased the burial party by two.

The funeral home provided a metal tube in a velvet bag so I could send some of dad's ashes to England, where my cousins interred him, in someone's garden, i think. Lucky the FH knew the regs and provided documentation, or he might not have had his last trip to the old sod so easily.

Sis took over and buried our bro in a public park. Illegal, but he would have grinned and she got to flout convention and the law once more.

I kind of think your husband and my sister should meet each other.

My kindest wishes for the graveside rites that give you good memories of loving people.
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So many possibilities!
Here's my contribution just to show you how bad and how complicated it can be:
I sent my father's ashes to my sister in another state to bury beside our mother. A family member my sister didn't like showed up at the cemetery for the burial and my sister called the police. There was not much they wanted to do in this family feud, but they stayed long enough to see that there was no actual mayhem, which increased the burial party by two.

The funeral home provided a metal tube in a velvet bag so I could send some of dad's ashes to England, where my cousins interred him, in someone's garden, i think. Lucky the FH knew the regs and provided documentation, or he might not have had his last trip to the old sod so easily.

Sis took over and buried our bro in a public park. Illegal, but he would have grinned and she got to flout convention and the law once more.

I kind of think your husband and my sister should meet each other.

My kindest wishes for the graveside rites that give you good memories of loving people.
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Your father’s graveside service will be memorable for you and your daughter, however it happens. The best thing to do is to make the memory as pleasant as possible, not just very short and business like. There are lots of good ideas here – play some music he liked? Recite a poem or verses from the Bible or a hymn. Sing ‘The Lord’s my shepherd’, or a song from your childhoods. Drop things he liked into the grave? A quarter of an hour may be long enough. Then both of you go out to lunch somewhere nice and talk about all your best memories of him. Forget about the people who aren’t there, and just try to make the whole thing into a happy memory for you both.
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I am very sorry demstress for Your loss as to loose a Parent is like the closing of a book after reading the final chapter. Here in West Cork in the South of Ireland I have often seen a lone Piper dressed in the Kilth and in full uniform lead the Coffin into the Cemetary and to the Grave side and after the Prayers are recited the Piper plays His final tune on the bagpipes in honor of the Dead. Though I know demstress You are Heart broken try to make Your Dads final farewell a celebration of His long and wonderful Life.
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My grandchildren wrote down things they loved about their Paw Paw, we inserted into balloons and they released the balloons at the lowering of the casket.
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I am sorry for your loss. So many people have given you some great thoughts on how you can make it memorable. I always feel when I go to the graveside that I’ve gone as far as I can in this world with the loved one and that gives me peace. Hopefully, it will for you.
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Your daughter and you should tell your Dad what’s in your hearts. Tell him how much you’ll miss him and that you know he’ll always be with you in spirit. Remember happy times in the past. Pray to Jesus to help you choose the right words. Believe me, he’ll help you as he has helped me in this regard. Don’t dwell on any negatives, such as your husband’s not being there to support you. You don’t need a negative presence with you. You and your daughter can support each other. Just know, dear heart, that your Dad is in a beautiful place, visiting with family and friends who went before him. He would not want you to be sad, and for that reason, would want you to make the grave-site service short. I pray to God to watch over you on that day.
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Get easy care plants for both of you. The plants will remind u of your dad. As they grow they become living memorial. In time if u get philodendron u can give cutting to others. Thus sharing an event. My grand mother, gave me a Christmas cactus. So every Christmas’s catus I have ever own reminds me of her.
....MAT
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Lymie61 Dec 2018
That's beautiful!
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Take a small picnic basket of some of his favorite foods and enjoy. Talk with your daughter about some of your favorite memories with your dad. May sound a bit crazy but crazier things have been done. If its only you and your daughter you are the only ones that matter... Share with your mom some of the memories you shared with your daughter..
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In addition to the many thoughtful posts, I would suggest you play a musical piece (recorded no need for live) to start and end the service. Pick something meaningful to the deceased, or you.
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I'm sorry for your loss.
Peace, dawn1947😿😿😿
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Try to find something he wrote while alive, and read it aloud to each other.
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Demstress,

Your father sounded like a wonderful man... hard working, quiet and would like something low key. Thank you for showing respect for him and bless you for all your efforts.

In the Bible, the apostle Paul urged the Thessalonians in 1 Thessalonians 4:10b-11 “But we urge you brethren, to excel still more, and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, and attend to your own business and work with your hands, just as we commanded you, so that you will behave properly towards outsiders and not be in any need.” I thought of this verse when reading your description of your dad.

To make it more memorable, could you and your daughter write a few memories (separately) and such about your dad, and then share them at his service? It would be great to hear what she remembers and then you..& a sweet time of sharing. Did he have any favorite Bible verses, pictures, songs, places to go or mementos? Maybe you could write something about his earlier years/history/some interesting and unknown facts of his life and share with your daughter? Buy a couple red carnations and place on his casket during the music as time of remembrance. Hope that helps! May the Lord Jesus bless and keep you in this difficult time.
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