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When my father moved in with me 6 years ago due to his diabetes, I was doing well financially, I had a full time job that I enjoyed and was making good money. When he moved in, he was waiting on SSDI to start and then for medicare so I was paying 80 - 90 percent of the bills, plus handling everything as he never has his whole life. This has gotten progressively worse, he used to take out the trash if I forgot and once in awhile even mowed.

Now I lost my job due to a disability and am on SSDI, making less than half of what he makes. My medications are more expensive than his and I lost my drivers license, yet still have to run every errand and handle all of the finances, I have tried to propose budgets but he won't look at them.

His health has gone downhill as all he does is sits at his computer, he put on about 150 lbs in a couple years, he never leaves his room except to get food, neglects the dogs when I am not around, leaves food all over the floor and cannot hit the toilet.

He cannot bend over to clean spills, had cut himself with knives numerous times due to eyesight issues, set off the smoke alarms at least once a month, spills food on himself burning himself and will not eat healthy at all.

I have no help from my siblings and gave up asking and even contacting them as they never call just to check up.

I am worn out, have gotten to a point that I see a psychotherapist 2 times a month for the past year and a half, and a psychiatrist once a month. I never want to be in the house anymore and once I step foot in suddenly feel depressed. I don't know what to do anymore.

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" I can't do that to him, putting him in a home." WHAT?!! You cannot do what is clearly best for you and for him ... because .... ??

The answer to your question is Yes. He is beyond the point where you can not longer provide the best care for him. That would probably be true even if you were healthy and making a lot of money, but it is doubly true now.

Why did you ask the question if you have this strange "rule" in your head, that you cannot put him in a home? Please, for his sake and yours, try to open your mind and your heart to consider all the options, and select the best one.
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Regardless of what you do...you will feel guilt - it isn't selfish to take care of yourself...you will only wear yourself out trying to please him and chances are - he doesn't even know it...
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What are you afraid of? Making him angry when it is clear that his needs for care are too much? He just might get angry, but it is really the best for his care and your life. Where does this sense of obligation to not put him in a nursing home while you self-destruct come from? Would you feel guilty for placing him in a nursing home and why? I ask these questions because it sounds like you are blinded by a lot of F.O.G., i.e. fear, obligation and guilt.

Your therapist is right, you are overwhelmed. Anyone would be at this point. What does your therapist suggest that you do about being overwhelmed?
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s10sleeper, I am not opposed to caring for loved ones at home. It is often the best and most loving solution. (I'm in my 10th year of doing it.) But it is not always best, and in your case it clearly is not best. You've done a lot -- maybe too much, really -- for a long time. Now you need to focus on your own health and well-being, and get out of the FOG cmagnum describes.

Your father puts guilt trips on you? Shame on him! Shame on a man who puts his own comfort over his daughter's health needs. He is a sick man, and maybe we need to cut him some slack for his selfish behavior, but that does not change the fact that you need to act on your own behalf.

I hope that your therapist can help you build your confidence so that you can stop backing off doing what you know you need to do.

When Father is in a Care Center of some kind, you can go back to being a loving daughter, visiting him, advocating for him, being sure he is getting good care, having a few meals with him a week, sending him funny stories and jokes via email. You can give up being his servant and his 24/7 hands-on caregiver.
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I can relate so very well to the feeling of guilt here... when i first considered helping my father go to a retirement home (he was living across the hall from me, Alzheimer's, and became worse much more quickly than i expected) i planned it all and then backed out, largely because of guilt. Six months later i did place him in a very nice small retirement home, and i had not worked enough and was financially in a hole that i'm still climbing out of. It was the hardest thing i had ever done in my life, and i've had other difficulties as we all have.

I think we feel guilt simply because they are our parents, no matter what the circumstances are. We remember them being our world, and our inner child is sometimes still afraid to do something that will displease them. The negative emotional side to caregiving is that when we are overextended we have few defenses against our inner fears that we may be unaware of. When we have to face the fact that our parents are declining, in whatever way, we have to accept the fact that we are going to lose them, and that on top of everything else that you are managing can be so difficult that we do anything to keep things as they are. It starts to become denial that is not healthy for you, and not healthy for him, no matter what he wants.

Your father will have a bit of a hard time adjusting to other people caring for him, also because he is stuck in some very bad habits. Diabetic, having gained that much weight, and sedentary? He's rolling down a hill fast and if he doesn't know it, then it is your duty as his daughter to put things in place for him. It is not your duty as his daughter to be a slave to his disfunction. Of course he is going to pull the guilt trip, he wants things to stay as they are, we all do in our lives. But he has given up all healthy control of his own life by not managing his own health, and... you are not responsible for that!

My father had some mental health issues already before he developed Alzheimer's disease, and often that was even more difficult to deal with than his needing more care later in his life. He is now in a Nursing Home, just since a few days ago, and it has gone very well and is the best thing that i could have done for him. And yet i struggled with the pain of it all, and wanted to take him home again and care for him. It would have been a 24/7 job that would have been too much for me (or any one person), and yet i truly wanted to do that.

I wish you strength and a clear focus on what this situation needs, and lots of support while you make the changes that need to be made. They do need to be made, i think you know that. Keep reaching out for support here too, we really do understand!
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He needs to be somewhere besides your house. When caring for someone starts to take a toll on your health and resources, it's time to do something. Yes, you will feel guilty, but it will be better for the both of you. I'm glad you're getting help for your depression. Some folks on here think that we are havin a "pity party" when we get depressed, but it is real. Even though oulove the person you are caring for, it will take a tol on you mentally. I know, because I am going through my mother's illness. I had t put her in a nursing facility about a year and a half ago. I hope things get better for you, and I want you to know that I care. Look after yourself.
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You mentioned you had brain surgery? If you do not find a stress-less place to recover from that, you will be the one in a nursing home. It's either you or him. If you read some of the posts and discussions around this website, you will find people who have had their own mothers evicted from their homes... not because the care giver was mean and awful, but because the parent was awful. Your father is a diabetic a he put on 150 lbs. in a year? He is putting you on a guilt trip because he is trying to blame you for HIS behaviors and now that the consequences of his behaviors have caught up with him and you are unable to bale him out because of your own disabilities, he is becoming overwhelmed and is looking for a scapegoat...that is you. Tell your dad that if he doesn't loose weight and take care of his health, that you are kicking him out...you don't mention that he has dementia or that he is mentally incapacitated, nor do you mention his age, so I am getting hyped up here, thinking that if he wasn't lazy and kept his diabetes under control, he could actually be of help to you....so forgive me if I am way off base! It seems like you have enabled him to be what he has become and now you need some help to survive your own crisis. Empower yourself...listen to your doctors and therapists. Oh, and if by some chance, you get placed in a nursing facility because of your need to recover or some sort of breakdown, what will he do? Do you really want him left alone at your house? What is plan B?
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Dear you clearly need to resign from this full time caregiver role. You can still be his caregiver if he is in a nursing home or assisted living.He probably can live independently in a senior apartment. Than you can visit on yourterms and get the needed rest. Please take care of yourself
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s10sleeper:

Your dad can't take care of himself, plus he has no desire to do so. If he was in a nursing home, he would be eating a diabetic diet and could lose some weight. He would not be able to cut himself or burn himself. In time, he could make some friends and adjust. He could get some physical therapy too, and his medications would always be correct and on time. His needs would be covered 24 hours a day.

You need a peaceful environment to heal in. I'm sorry to say this, but your father is a tremendous obstacle in your ability to care for yourself. He is pulling you down with him and doesn't care. He's not going to change. I hope you can accept that realization and understand that you must make changes if you want to survive.

You may not be able to force him into nursing home care, but you can tell him that new living arrangements have to be made. The issue is not about what he has done for you or what you have done for him. The issue is that you can not continue to live like this anymore and it's critical for your health that changes be made.

Assisted living is another possible option for him and may be the place to start. You can tell your father that you love him and are sorry the circumstances are what they are. Obviously, you didn't want to become disabled and in need of recovery, but those are the cards you have been dealt and you must make changes to save your life.

May I ask you if you are buying your home rather than renting? Are you able to afford to live there alone on your income? Also, would you share your age and your father's age.

Please stay in touch. We all care about you. Love, Cattails
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Sleeper, you have done the best you can do, and more than a lot of us. As acarroll said, just because a loved one may have to be placed in a facility, the caregiving doesn't stop, it just changes. Best wishes.
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