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Also if I ask him to take a shower 2 hours later he is still sitting there when I ask him if he wants help he just has a blank stare ! When my husband asks him he does it ! My husband says it because I'm his daughter and he does not respect me !

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How does this person react to doctors or guests at the home or strangers? I'd say it is lack of respect as well as a hearing issue.

With my father there is a hierarchy. He jumps through hoops for his doctors and a little less for nurses, has less respect for helpers at the hospital and no respect for the in-home caregiver. I suspect the least respect for the in-ho,e caregiver is a combination of the caregiver's lack of direct assertiveness, a trait doctors and nurses typically shine with. The caregiver is foreign and his English is not strong. But the person who receives the brunt of his bad disposition is me because I am the bad guy who is tasked with getting him to do everything he does not want to do (i.e. shower, take enemas, shave, go to the hospital/doctor's, etc.). But with respect he has the least for my sister because she does not do anything that earns it. In this regard my father still has his wits.
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Also everybody who has answered my first whine I appreciated everybody's advice hugs to all of you
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I need to find someone to come in and give me a break ! I've decided that if someone comes in to help with his shower maybe fix him lunch and keep him company for a couple hours a week ! Do I need home Heath ? So many options where do I start ?
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My Dad had no respect for me either as I was the 3rd daughter and supposed to be the son he wanted. You might want to see if he's going into dementia/Alzheimer's because they go into what's called a "sundowning" period. Good luck and best wishes!
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Mrsmurph: What is happening here and HAPPENS IN ALL CAREGIVING CASES, is that the caregiver gets treated the worst by the elder. And why? Because the caregiver is the one who has to say the elder "now take your meds, eat your food, take your bath/shower." So the carer is the proverbial "bad guy." In this case, your husband is outside force that your dad will listen to. Also, it helps that it's a male to male conversation.
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My SIL had a horrible time getting their father to bathe. The solution came in having him attend a day program at the county SNF. At 1st he was resistant to even go but after a few time he increased his attendance from 1-2 days a week to 3 and eventually all week. They had the ability to get him showered there a couple days while he attended and he had a whole different life outside the home. He went from being a man who barely left the farm and only interacting with a few neighbors and his children to a social guy with lots of friends he got to see every day.
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The person who does most of the caregiving gets the least respect it seems. The caregiver gets the anger and negativity while other family members and friends get the good stuff, the affection and stories and charm.

I cared for my dad too and I know that he struggled with me managing his care because he didn't see me as an adult, just like I don't see my daughter as an adult. She's 22 years old and I still tell her to make sure she's wearing a coat and not to talk to strangers.

If your dad responds better to your husband use that to your advantage! Don't let your dad treat you badly but know that you have a hired gun in those situations where your dad just won't budge (like when he won't take a shower). Ask your husband to step in. In your dad's eyes you may still be his little girl while your husband is a man. Is that a fair or accurate characterization? No, of course not, but that may be the way it is.
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Not sure if I can add anything other than to find the easiest path. My Mom is 95 and I got so tired of battling with her about bathing. We had an incident with our local emergency room that was so frightening to me that I called the hospice company who had taken care of my Dad and asked if my Mom qualified for their services. She did and bathing issues as far as a few others - solved. I can let them handle it and after she got used to the individuals she has been very cooperative with their check-ups and the bathing. Took a huge load off of my shoulders and her medical insurance (medicare) covers all of it. Anyway - no battling on that front - my mother has always been a battler so I still have things we work on and I'm finding what I can do that helps her to cooperate with me and I respect that.
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Puthaknifeaway posted an insightful answer.
I suggest you delve into your father's history. For example, did he respect his mother and obey her? Did he treat you respectfully as a child. When he was working, did he supervise women? Perhaps he is not used to being told what to do by a woman, let alone his daughter. One of my clients resisted her son giving her a shower. Her son asked someone who knew her as a child. He found out that his mother only took baths and was bathed by her mother. So they hired a bathing aid from a local agency and started bathing her in a bathtube. They also installed a small heater in the bathroom because the mother grew up in Nicaragua when it is in the 70s year round.
Also ask your husband if he is willing to take over the task from you. By doing that, you get out of the struggle with your father.
In closing, you might ask yourself if he needs a shower as often as your perceive? is there another way that you might clean him? One of my caregivers uses "no rinse body wipes." Search on Amazon for that term and you will find several product choices with four star ratings.
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I wouldn't say that he doesn't respect you, it may be that he does. A man can be more intimidating to another man than a woman. And besides you're his daughter, his family. Most of us have the tendency to look to outsiders when it comes to accepting advice or instructions. My father learned how to deal with his bashfulness when it comes to being naked before us. We have to assist him in and out of the shower. Another factor, the fear of falling. This has been a nightmare. He is so afraid of falling that he doesn't want to get out of bed. He now has a potty in his room so that he doesn't have to walk to the bathroom which isn't more than ten feet from his bed.
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Unfortunately parents and children participate in a power struggle at the beginning and end of life. In the middle the children are on their own and so are the parents. When the balance shifts, it is really hard not to do the same thing to our parents they did to us, ordering, demanding, complaining, expecting obedience.
Adult children need to reduce their expectations and let the parents be--except when their health or safety is at risk. You are lucky you have a husband who can make suggestions to your Dad. He will hear him without the emotional overlay.
If you take your Dad's behavior personally, you will be more unhappy caring for him. Call your Area Agency on Aging for an assessment, volunteer hours for your respite and eventually, someone to come in to care for his personal needs which he feels unable to let you do for him.
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The loud yawning may be an indication of a hearing difficulty. So rather than ignoring you, he may not hear you, but your husband's voice is in a range that's easier for him to hear. I find with my husband (who denies he has a hearing problem but has some of these same issues, including loud yawning) that if I face him when I talk to him, he hears more of what I say.
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I'm not sure it is a lack of respect. We allow ourselves to be our worst selves with those we love and feel safest with. You are his daughter. He is expressing his depression at getting old and feeling useless and whatever else is going on at you.i am not sure you can change that. It's like a parent trying to teach their child - it jsut doesn't work. Make your requests and then leave him alone. Or let your husband make requests. My Dad is 93, I can ask him to do things but he is a grown man and I have to respect his choices even if I don't agree with them. It's not easy getting old, as I see it with he and my mother. If you can muster up some compassion both for him and yourself it will help. It's just not easy getting old and he is expressing that in the way he knows. Try talking to him about how hard it is.
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So how do I get his respect since I'm the one who take of him or is it a lost cause ?
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I would have to agree.
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Your husband is right.
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