Also if I ask him to take a shower 2 hours later he is still sitting there when I ask him if he wants help he just has a blank stare ! When my husband asks him he does it ! My husband says it because I'm his daughter and he does not respect me !
The hard part is over.
I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes.
With my father there is a hierarchy. He jumps through hoops for his doctors and a little less for nurses, has less respect for helpers at the hospital and no respect for the in-home caregiver. I suspect the least respect for the in-ho,e caregiver is a combination of the caregiver's lack of direct assertiveness, a trait doctors and nurses typically shine with. The caregiver is foreign and his English is not strong. But the person who receives the brunt of his bad disposition is me because I am the bad guy who is tasked with getting him to do everything he does not want to do (i.e. shower, take enemas, shave, go to the hospital/doctor's, etc.). But with respect he has the least for my sister because she does not do anything that earns it. In this regard my father still has his wits.
I cared for my dad too and I know that he struggled with me managing his care because he didn't see me as an adult, just like I don't see my daughter as an adult. She's 22 years old and I still tell her to make sure she's wearing a coat and not to talk to strangers.
If your dad responds better to your husband use that to your advantage! Don't let your dad treat you badly but know that you have a hired gun in those situations where your dad just won't budge (like when he won't take a shower). Ask your husband to step in. In your dad's eyes you may still be his little girl while your husband is a man. Is that a fair or accurate characterization? No, of course not, but that may be the way it is.
I suggest you delve into your father's history. For example, did he respect his mother and obey her? Did he treat you respectfully as a child. When he was working, did he supervise women? Perhaps he is not used to being told what to do by a woman, let alone his daughter. One of my clients resisted her son giving her a shower. Her son asked someone who knew her as a child. He found out that his mother only took baths and was bathed by her mother. So they hired a bathing aid from a local agency and started bathing her in a bathtube. They also installed a small heater in the bathroom because the mother grew up in Nicaragua when it is in the 70s year round.
Also ask your husband if he is willing to take over the task from you. By doing that, you get out of the struggle with your father.
In closing, you might ask yourself if he needs a shower as often as your perceive? is there another way that you might clean him? One of my caregivers uses "no rinse body wipes." Search on Amazon for that term and you will find several product choices with four star ratings.
Adult children need to reduce their expectations and let the parents be--except when their health or safety is at risk. You are lucky you have a husband who can make suggestions to your Dad. He will hear him without the emotional overlay.
If you take your Dad's behavior personally, you will be more unhappy caring for him. Call your Area Agency on Aging for an assessment, volunteer hours for your respite and eventually, someone to come in to care for his personal needs which he feels unable to let you do for him.