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Wife wants to die at home, dad's dementia is worsening w/daily panic attacks. My brother is supposed to care for them but he lives in Alabama. He sent his wife's daughter (30yrs old) to live with them but dad panics every time she leaves the house, and also, the daughter has some kind of a drug issue. Not a good idea. The wife has physical issues, (unable to walk unassisted) and dad is getting weaker and feebler. So, I guess I'm hunting for what is the first thing to do... I tell my brother, if she doesn't want to leave the house, then let her leechy son move in and take care of her, but my dad needs to be with his son in Alabama. They both need to be in Alabama, but wife will not leave home. I just need a reminder as to the best thing to do right now. Can't seem to think straight myself! Thank you.

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Yes, all of this happening pretty much at the same time. It's all working out, though... I really am so relieved! Not even sure if I should start putting away mom's things... I think I will have my sister come (from California) and help me sort through it all. We've done this once before with all four of us together when we thought she was dying one time... so the big stuff is already taken care of. Now for all the miscellaneous papers and books and magazines, etc.... I hope I'm not premature in doing the triage. We would like to get the room back as it was our master bedroom....
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Jocelyne, I've just read your other post indicating your mother has been in a nursing home after a bad fall and fractured ribs. So your father and stepmother will be cared for by the brother and his wife, and your mother is still in the nursing home?

I am glad that the arrangement for your father seems to be falling in place nicely. That must be a relief for you!
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Okay.... thank you so much for the quick responses. I just love this place!! Got the phone call this afternoon that a very compassionate relative (wealthy nephew) flew into town, looked at their finances and their situation, took them out to dinner, and convinced my step-mom to move out to my brother and wife's place as soon as they can.

This completely took care of everything, though my brother will have to look into getting POA if he doesn't already, and also look into Medicaid. I do like the idea of Assisted living... he would have to see if they qualify or if they are too incapacitated for that option.

I have taken my mom in and now she is in a nursing home... and my brother and wife agreed to take care of my dad when the time came. So that's that! Thank you again, everyone...
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I'm a long distance caregiver for my folks who are 600 miles away. They are not yet in as much need as your folks are but it won't be long.

I make the trip and seal with various crisis that come up, sometimes staying for long periods. There's only so much you can do over the phone. If possible I think you or someone needs to go down there and take matters in hand. I agree with Pam, trying to move and separate them would not be good for them.

They need full time professional care at home or moved to a care facility. Easier said than done. I'm dreading the time when I have to force the issue with my parents. But if my folks were in the state that you describe I would have to take action whether my folks like it or not.

You need to look into POA and possibly legal guardianship. What is the wife's family situation? I take it this is your step mom. Anyone out there for her or have you got a two for one deal here?
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Jocelyne, not everyone is able to be a Caregiver. Just curious why it is your brother's job to take care of the parents? What are the medical issues with your Dad's wife? Is she still mobile and clear minded?

Do the grandparents pay the grandchild to take care of them? If not, they should. If they refuse to pay, then she should leave and find full employment so she can add to her own retirement fund.

Since the wife wants to live at home and if she is still of clear mind, then she needs to take full responsibility for her choice. Meaning either she takes care of her husband herself, or she hires professional caregivers... yes, I know they are quite costly.

Or the wife realizes she just cannot afford to die at home, both apply for Medicaid and move into Assisted Living or whatever would be the best fit for them.
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I would be concerned with the 30 year old caregiver doing drugs. Drug addicts steal a lot and could wipe them out financially. And if she's doing drugs, she's not going to be responsible to care for them.

If mom is still competent, I don't know how you can force her to move against her will. Who as POA for Dad? With his dementia, he may not know what's best for his care. If his wife is physically unable to care for him, he needs someone to step in. I would act on his behalf since he can't and let mom make her own decisions and arrangements if she is unwilling to go where she can get help.
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The problem is that uprooting them and sending them to Alabama would make Dad worse and separating them would also make him panic. The 30yr old is taking on too much for one person to handle. Can you arrange for caregivers to give her at least one day off a week, and eight hours of sleep at night? That's the bare minimum required by law for live-in caregivers.
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