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My mother has not spoken about or asked about my father since he passed away. She has her own health issues and that occupies her day. She used to be his caregiver and was always on top of his care. She claims that I was closer to my father than I am to her. I think my father needed extra attention because his needs were greater than hers. Perhaps my mother is grieving in her own way, but to me it appears that she doesn't give him one thought. Has anyone had such an experience?

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My mother almost never talked about my father unless prompted. The first couple of years and on notable anniversaries she'd be a bit tearful about him, briefly, then say herself that she was "being silly." Their marriage was not exactly heaven on earth, though. I couldn't say she if she ever came to view it with rosy nostalgia; and she had had much much longer to adjust to being alone than your mother has had.

I think it's very complicated; and I don't think it's for outsiders - perhaps especially not children! - to know what a marriage comprised, over all those years, for good or ill. Who's to say what is passing through your mother's mind? If she isn't talking, you can't possibly draw any conclusions.

So, where does that leave you? Do you have anyone else you can talk to about your Dad? Do you have anything else, besides her immediate care needs, that you can talk about to connect with your mother?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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Writing again to give you best wishes about sorting through these complicated grief experiences.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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There are many ways to grieve and some of us don't want to sit around reminiscing until we've had enough time to internalize the loss, and that can take years.
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Reply to cwillie
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How are you going yourself? If your mother doesn't talk about your father, who do you share your own feelings with? Perhaps you could ask your mother if you can talk about him with her, for your own sake. She may not want to feel that she has to open up her own feelings, which could be very complex, but she might be OK about helping you. It might also help to bring you together.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Dear demstress,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am sorry for your loss. I know grief affects us all differently. I do know of some people they can't even talk about it for fear it will make them emotional.  It's very hard to say. I guess all you can do is tell her that you will be there to listen if she wants to talk or share memories. Keep checking on her and see how she is in the coming weeks and months.
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