I’ve been holding a lot inside for a long time, and I need to get this off my chest. My relationship with my father, now 77, has been complicated, confusing, and often painful.
First, I want to be honest about his current state. His hygiene and the state of his house are absolutely disgusting. He drinks heavily—almost like an alcoholic—and he lies constantly about everything and anything. His stories about jobs, relationships, and other aspects of his life are often fabrications I’ve never heard before. He’s not got dementia; he’s just stubborn and refuses to take care of himself or his environment.
Remarkably, for his age, he’s in good health physically. He can do heavy gardening and physical labor, but when it comes to basic hygiene—bathing, washing his clothes, keeping his house clean—that’s where it all stops. He hasn’t had a bath in months. He often urinates himself, and his house smells so bad that when his only friend came to visit, he had to stand outside. I’ve tried to help him, but he just dismisses it, saying he finds cleaning boring. He refuses to hire anyone or fix the plumbing, even though he has the money. After I asked him what exactly he’s saving his money for, he couldn’t give me an answer because there really is nothing. He won’t spend money on fixing his house or himself, even when it’s obvious he needs it.
He refuses to get a plumber or tradesman because he simply doesn’t want to spend the money, and he refuses to take care of himself. I even offered to help him, and I said, “What exactly are you saving for?” He has no good answer because there’s nothing he’s genuinely saving for—he just refuses to spend.
His behavior has worsened since I started to lower my maid service. He seems to become more fixated on his health issues, which he constantly exaggerates. He’s told me he has cancer, and I could go on all day telling you stories about how he fabricates or exaggerates his health problems. He will make out he’s far worse than anyone with a real health issue. He even lied about having diabetes—I asked what insulin he was taking, and he couldn’t tell me. I went with him to his routine appointment, and the doctor looked at me strangely and checked his notes. Came back and said, “Your dad doesn’t have diabetes.” He was lying.
And it doesn’t stop there. He’s even lied about having cancer. I could tell endless stories about his stories—how he makes himself out to be the sickest, most fragile person alive, trying to make me feel sorry for him or guilt me into doing what he wants.
My father often threatens to kill himself if I don’t do what he wants or if I do something he doesn’t like. He has a remarkable talent for twisting any situation and turning it into a crisis. The final straw for me was when I refused to help him do his garden. That was the point where I realized I couldn’t keep going like this.
As time has gone on, I’ve built my own life—got married, and we have a baby on the way. His hygiene is worse now than ever before, and I worry about what kind of environment my child will be born into if things don’t change.
I just want to be honest about how his actions, lies, and emotional manipulation have affected me. I deserve to feel safe, respected, and free from the constant chaos and discomfort that his presence and behavior bring into my life.
Any advice would greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Your dad DOES have a mental illness.
There is nothing..let me say that again louder this time...there is NOTHING you can do FOR your dad,.
I am sure that the alcohol started as a way to "self medicate" for the mental illness. I think many people start down the road of addiction because of "self medicating".
"We" in this country and many others have such a negative reaction when we say mental illness. It used to be the same way with cancer and HIV (AIDS). This is sad because most people do not seek the help they need for fear of societal reactions and family rejection.
You can tell your dad exactly how you feel and how his choices have effected you. Then tell him that if he does not seek help he will not be in his grandchild's life. then the ball is in his court.
Next you get yourself to an Al-Anon group and or you talk to your doctor about a referral to a therapist (if you need a referral, if not just make an appointment with one)
YOU can't fix this kind of broken.
At this point I would just call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them come out and do an assessment and if need be take over his care.
It's time you step away from this toxic environment and situation, and let the chips fall where they may.
And start attending Al-Anon meetings so you can start the healing process of at least your fathers alcoholism.
What I am reading (based on what you have written) is that there is little you can do for dad at this point but a lot you can do for yourself.
This to gain awareness that you are in a situation where how you interact with your dad will greatly affect your emotional state which is so very important to your unborn child.
Do some reading on alcohol use disorder, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome and confabulation.
You might try attending some AlAnon meetings to better accept that dad has some major issues that he is not able to manage no matter how much alcohol he drinks or how much you plead with him to take care of himself. At this point he has the legal right to self abuse and lacks insight of his condition. His situation will have to be very bad before Adult Protective Services will intervene. But you probably should make them aware of his condition.
It is good that you realize you need to pull back from this toxic environment and focus on your own family. A therapist might help you deal with the stress of dads decline while you seek balance and learn to accept that he probably won’t change in any significant way as long as he continues to use alcohol and self neglect.
Read the book titled “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend.. Don’t be manipulated by dad’s behavior. It won’t help him and it will hurt you and your family.
I don’t understand this sentence: “His behavior has worsened since I started to lower my maid service”. Were you cleaning for him but you stopped? The part I don’t get here is how often do you see your dad, what is it that you do for him?
Does he shop for food and prepare meals? Does he pay his bills? Does he drive? What if the house floods (you don’t say what is wrong with the plumbing) or there is an electrical fire?
He clearly needs help, and things are going to get worse for him, but you don’t have to be the solution here. You can call APS as already advised. Given that you already have a relationship with his doctor, you can send the Dr a note to say you are worried about his mental health and his safety living alone. Mention the drinking, unsafe conditions, and urinating in himself. Ask if there are local resources to help your dad.
Now you are concerned about what kind of world you will be bringing your child into. Except there you have total control. Unless you live with your dad or are financially dependent on him, you don’t have to expose your child to your dad at all if you don’t think it’s wise. If you want your dad to meet the baby, you can and should do it totally on your own terms. Like tell your dad you can meet in the park for a walk with the baby or a coffee shop or whatever. You can’t bring baby to dad’s house. Whatever YOU think is best.
It’s time for some very clear thinking about boundaries. What you can and can’t do for your dad. Your primary responsibility is to your baby and yourself.
good luck!