Hello everyone. Its been a while since Ive posted. First the good news. My oldest daughter is now in college. When I first began posting here she was starting high school. Ive been working outside of the home for the past two years. Beyond that things are still the same. For those of you just tuning into my saga, my children and I moved in with my father four years ago. My sister who has POA, pays for Home Health Aide to come in Monday-Friday 9-5. Although the home health aides usually make their own hours and come in from 10-4. (without permission of course). The other evening my father got aggressive Screaming and pointing in my face and threatening to "do worse " When I told my brother about the incident and suggested its time for Assisted Living he said thats not a reason for Assisted Living and that he would only go there if he could no longer get around on his own. He only needs assistance with meal preparation, medication management, laundry etc..all of the things that he would get in Assisted Living. My family is expecting to me to simply ignore him and focus on the blessings of caring for him. HUH?? This man is verbally and emotionally abusive on the daily. Then after he goes into one of his rages like he did the other night, he says it will never happen again He has always been a narcist and difficult to get along with. He has mild cognitive difficulties, nothing too extensive but his neurologist wanted to place him on aricept but my sister refused. So lets see they dont want him on medication or in Assisted Living,,,they simply expect me to feel blessed to be there. What can I do ?
I had a husband who fought.. and argued.and I put up with it for the daughters's sake.. then realised that if I said nothing it would defuse the situation.
So get those responses ready.. Like
" I hear what you are saying but Im not taking part"
"Have you realised what falls out of your mouth? is that really in your mind"...
"Since when has my kindness given you the right to be abusive"
It really sounds like your father thinks he is king and its backed up by the Queen. YOU dont have to help them in their grandeur hallucinations.
Now I probably have an ostrich and a donkey as my previous life sessions.. Cos that would have me leave the dishes that they leave for a whole week and have them back on the bench when they arrive. put them in the garbage bin and under the staircase for the week.. and place back on the table as you leave for the evening..
Does your father physically attack you or just a screaming match with threats ???? He is obviously scared that you will leave and so blackmailing you. which is more reason for you to leave and take the kids and your possessions and get out. THEN the queen and king will suddenly realise the truth and he go into assisted care.
I really feel for you, its like marriage break up.. the responsibility of the children to see that their future is OK, and the physical and mental anguish of organising and getting out. Only you can do it
I cried I think for the first 6mths of my marital split, then put on my pink girly panties and got on with life. it was far superior to what it had been.. but very very scary.
Just do it. Yes it's the nuclear option, but they aren't going to "get" anything else, sounds like.
If the answer to this simple question is abusive or unsympathetic, you do then have to follow through, is the only thing. But to be honest, isn't it high time?
Muffincat, thank you for describing how it feels to be afraid of people who are supposed to love you and, most of all, for getting away! Hugs and hugs.
Their contempt has gotten all the way down to the bottom of planet earth and all I can do is want to set a match to it.
We really all do care for you and actually also your father.
Seems you have a sister like I have. She was her daddy's darling first born with curly hair. Sent to boarding school cos she was so dumb, still didnt learn anything and in his last year of life she suddenly was available again.. didnt do much but the ounce she did was well shouted from the roof tops. Seems [ according to another sister] that he gave her all his cash etc.. probably $4K plus what he had told us all for many a year. $1K each in an envelope in case we ever needed emergency funds. .. We shall never know if she was meant to share it around, or if her curls and first born status meant she needed it all.
So you see we all can identify with your hurdles. I can look on mine with contempt and shrug off as I need. I am no longer loyal to anyone. I see that my Ma is cared for as she lives in her hell of memory loss, and a secure unit. My uncle and aunt were my saviours, and who I bonded to.
Do you have a friend that you can go and stay with on a temp basis whilst you find new accommodation??????
The time is right so they say, I hope you can take advantage of it
If your dad is in the hospital, I agree that now is your chance to get out quickly and cleanly. Send a letter registered mail to your father's primary care physician notifying him/her that you have left because of his verbal threats to "do worse" and be done with your toxic family members. You deserve kindness, understanding, and love. Build a new life for yourself and don't look back.
So what's the plan now?
I don't care for or about the father, since he's an abuser.
Get out!! Such good advice from those who posted already. Do it now while he's in the hospital!
When she tells you to do something. here are a few!!
"Sorry slavery ended in this country in *** "[sorry I dont know USA history]
"Gosh do you want me to call you an ambulance if you cant do something that simple you must be sick."
"Delegate, delegate, Im your sister not your object"
"What you want me to do that?? OK now I no longer get free board that you claim and have rammed down my throat. My fees are $200 for that job" please deposit it into my account first before I am able to do it"
and any that you have thought about for year but not been able to do it.
Please save yourself $10 and on the first night of your new abode, for you and your daughter to go on out and buy takeaways, then go home and sit on the floor and have a picnic..
I did that with my daughters but here we have fish n chips, eating out of the newspaper to keep them warm.. it was our rite of passage, and celebration of our freedom when their father left
When I shed tears and worried that Id put my daughters into a pickle, I remembered that meal often and how we had that sense of relief come over us.
So call it the 'First supper'
BTW you are not available for a whole 10 days to go check on your father once you move. He wont want you.. after all hes slammed that down your throat for ages.
I wish I was closer to where ever you are. but it doesnt matter you have a gang of friends on here, who are SAVING you and your daughter.