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Hello everyone. Its been a while since Ive posted. First the good news. My oldest daughter is now in college. When I first began posting here she was starting high school. Ive been working outside of the home for the past two years. Beyond that things are still the same. For those of you just tuning into my saga, my children and I moved in with my father four years ago. My sister who has POA, pays for Home Health Aide to come in Monday-Friday 9-5. Although the home health aides usually make their own hours and come in from 10-4. (without permission of course). The other evening my father got aggressive Screaming and pointing in my face and threatening to "do worse " When I told my brother about the incident and suggested its time for Assisted Living he said thats not a reason for Assisted Living and that he would only go there if he could no longer get around on his own. He only needs assistance with meal preparation, medication management, laundry etc..all of the things that he would get in Assisted Living. My family is expecting to me to simply ignore him and focus on the blessings of caring for him. HUH?? This man is verbally and emotionally abusive on the daily. Then after he goes into one of his rages like he did the other night, he says it will never happen again He has always been a narcist and difficult to get along with. He has mild cognitive difficulties, nothing too extensive but his neurologist wanted to place him on aricept but my sister refused. So lets see they dont want him on medication or in Assisted Living,,,they simply expect me to feel blessed to be there. What can I do ?

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Can you find somewhere else to live. This may well get worse and that is not good for your children or for you. Your sibs are in denial as to your father's illness.
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Video the next outburst on your phone.. or have someone else do. It may enrage him more, but that's in your favor. Show this to brother and sister. It may or may not help, but its worth a try.. and if you get hurt at some point you have proof you tryied to get help
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YOUR safety and that of YOUR DAUGHTERS is most important. MOVE OUT. gladimhere's question is a good one -- are you being paid something other than room and board? Or is room and board expected to be all the compensation you get for putting up with this abuse?
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Do you have somewhere else you can go? I am with Golden, get out if you possibly can. When dad becomes irate call 911 and have him taken to a facility that can help him. Or drop him off at an ER, tell them you can no longer provide the necessary care.

I hope you are being paid something other than room and board (which many siblings often think is sufficient) for the care you are providing.
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What kind of work do you do?

Yes, nyc is expensive, but there are inexpensive neighborhoods, there is NJ right across the river. You CAN RELOCATE.
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So... what's your plan?

I'm delighted for your daughter, btw. Many congratulations to her, and I wish her every success in her studies.

To return. Okay, suppose your siblings had a complete change of heart and agreed with you that your father should be moved to a facility and that went ahead. Then where would you go? Because if your idea is that dad is shipped out and you continue to live in the family home... that wouldn't be happening. Your father's house would presumably need to be let or sold to maintain him, facilities being notoriously expensive, and you'd have no right to stay.

Being on your own with dependent children is scary and I sympathise. But at some point you're going to have to move on, and you'll feel better about it if it's your plan and your idea and not just events pushing you out.

I"m sorry your family isn't more supportive. I can imagine how disgusted you felt with your sister's precious reaction to your father's outburst (goodness, I still seethe at the memory of 'your brother finds it so depressing to see your mother now' - the poor dear), and how enraging it is to be told be grateful for this sh*t sandwich.

But, so, you're in charge. How about your employer, or a new employer come to that. What prospects are open to you to improve your situation? The upside of your father's treatment of you is that you can walk away feeling nothing but relief. All you need is somewhere better to go.
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We weren't meaning that you were a freeloader. Just that if dad goes to AL, you'll need to leave.

So, what's your plan? Put it in place and leave.
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When you come home, you have to fix their plates etc.

Suppose you just don't fix their plates. Suppose you come home, go to your room, and stay there until they leave and they can fix their own dam' plates. What are they going to do? Break the door down? Have you frogmarched to the kitchen in leg irons?

And on the Saturday night sister specials, if she hasn't brought whatever accompaniment your father asks for you don't rustle it up. You say "oh dear, no, sorry Dad, she didn't bring any of that. Tsk tsk, maybe she'll remember it next time." Then serve him what she's brought, if you like, and if it doesn't throw out your existing dinner plans. Or pop it in the freezer for another time.

They're not making you, you know. You're allowing this. Stop!!! Discover your inner beastie with teeth and claws and a teensy little bit of a temper when it's justified. No row short of physical violence can be worse than your leading a life of constant defeat.
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Tell your sister you are leaving and as she has POA she will be responsible for his care when he leaves the hospital.
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NYC is very expensive. Can you change jobs and move somewhere else less expensive? If your father is in assisted living, you will have to move in any event. Best if you start to work this out so you have somewhere to go. Once you have started getting out, you will feel better able to cope interim, but the reluctance of your brother and sister - well why should they care since you do all the work? They should be ashamed, but probably will never come around til you are gone and they have to.
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