so sorry for cutting off my answer. Did not mean to post but was going to say Mom looks better now than she has in years and is doing much, much better physically, but mentally has declined tremendously yet her daughter and son are fighting us every step of the way. We had to cut off contact with them because they would not follow the guidelines my husband gave them about not upsetting Mom after he told his sister numerous times on the phone and by certified letter. His mother would scratch and scratch until her legs bled from the interrogation during the phone calls yet my husband is the one who has to answer to the Sheriff when they report they cannot call Mom or the Division of Senior Services. We wanted a good relationship with the whole family (they live in other states) yet they have done nothing but make our lives miserable. We are grateful that Mom does not know what is going on as we do not discuss it with her and she does not even realize she has not talked to her daughter. Good luck and again - even though it is your husband, please document everything. Families can be very dysfunctional and make your lives miserable. You know you are doing the best just as we know we are doing the right thing for my mother-in-law and she is very happy.
Angelo - so sorry you are going through this. As AKAlicious points out, it is important to make sure you document everything. My husband's siblings are saying something similar but it is only to try to cover their financial exploitation of their parents. Dad passed away and the same would have happened to Mom if we had not had her come live with us as her other son had her on hospice and give 6 months to live (that was 2 1/2 years). They are now still fighting us to try to take her away even though she looks bet
Hi sorry didnt realise it was your husband (usually check profile sorry!) I had tea with my friend last night her mum died from als. We got talking about people and how they behave around dementia ive started to notice that people are ignoring it OR it scares them. My poor friends mum was never visited by her best friends?? family OR neighbours? how cruel. My uncle has prostate cancer had an op and is ok my mums family were so concerned facebooking,emailing etc... I droped the bombshell that mum may have demantia and NOTHING not even a call from any of them. Why do people just vanish when this illness is mentioned? If I told my family that mum had cancer they would have jumped I really dont know why this is dementia is called the slow death I think the worst way to end your last years a cruel illness no offence to anyone whose lost someone through cancer but I dont know why people just run when we say dementia? Ive noticed now that some friends of mine are not calling as much? As if caring wasnt enough we have to be hurt by our own friends and family. Just so sad but I know whose being here for me and who will count when this all goes badly and sadly they are few and far between. You love your husband and are doing whats right by him yes it would be nice if family woke up and helped out but its not always the way for alot of us on here. continue what youre doing and stuff them. x
I would suggest that if your father is being cared for at home, and your siblings are the type to cause legal/care/POA problems where they try to "take over," that you make sure that there is some documentation of his condition and the assistance you provide. Doctor visits, a visit at home from a nurse, a care plan a nurse develops, etc., can all help with this if the need to produce documentation in court ever arises. I have a very messed up brother (clearly) and in my experience you ensure your continued care of your loved one when you document _everything_!!
I certainly understand why it bothers you that others don't see the situation as you know it is. When I tell someone that my husband has ALZ, and they say, "well, we are all getting forgetful", something small explodes inside me. I feel like they are accusing me of exaggerating, or they think I'm stupid.
I don't explode, because I suspect they really want it not to be true, or they want me not to be unhappy, and I accept that they mean well.
On the other hand, when people react with shock and tell me I have lost the man I used to be married to, I feel upset too. Because it's not that bad yet! Why don't people say the right thing? I guess there's just no pleasing me!
I'm making fun of myself, but I want you to know that getting upset is natural. This is a hard job and a big emotional burden. I want others to understand and share this knowledge, so I'm not on my own, at least in my feelings.
What bothers you the most? Is it that they won't help plan for the future? They won't help? They won't give you credit for how hard it is? They don't visit because they don't know that he might die soon?
Ferris is here to toughen you up, and I am here to cuddle you and tell you it's all right. We are both needed.
Why does it bother you that your family doesn't see what you see? They are not around your husband and to an untrained eye a lot of people miss dementia and I'll bet your husband is on his best behavior when he sees them. Let it go. They will find out soon enough when he dies. Then you can say, "I told you so"!
Mine are the same way. One brother says she seems okay to him. If I mention dementia, his wife says she had an aunt with Alzheimer's and my mother does not have dementia. My mother is very quiet around them, and they only stay an hour or two with her, so they really don't know what is going on.
The other brother knows things are wrong, but is busy with his job, family, and church. I believe he is of the old fashioned school where "the girls" will take care of things. He is also not very social. He rarely talks and doesn't seem to mentally connect -- he is vision and hearing impaired. He is probably just glad that I am here, because he has so much on his plate with his job. I don't begrudge him, because I know him. I'm just glad he is able to keep working and supporting his family. (I am a little less understanding of the SIL and their 5 kids, who could at least call. I think of how much easier my job would be if they would just volunteer to do yard work once a month. Four of the children are grown and could help a lot. But they are so into their small church family, the birth family has been thrown away. I guess you could say they were reborn into something that looks a lot like a cult.)
Options: 1) Take videos of your father and pass along to your siblings, 2) Bring dad to their homes for an extended time, 3) Take notes of his daily behavior/actions (summation). Is he on medication?
Tell your family you are going on holiday (or need a respite) and they need to step up to care for him. You don't ASK - you simply tell them.
I have almost the same problem with my sister. She is involved to a point & visits mom as often as possible due to the fact that she lives in another state. My problem is even though she is around mom enough to see how she is actually medically fragile, my sister is in denial about the situation & even downplays the seriousness to other family members & her friends. Mom has been diagnosed with stage 4 metastasized bone cancer. In July she was able, with my sister's assistance, to fly back to our home state for a long weekend to visit family. Now she is in such pain she is no longer ambulatory & has to use adaptive equipment. I live with her & am her 24/7 caregiver. Because my sister's insistence that Mom is not too bad & will get better no one is making an effort to visit her. I understand your frustration.
I know exactly how you feel! hes in total denial OR just dosnt want to know? My bro and sis just ignore my worries have learnt to get on with it its thier problem when my mum passes they will have so much guilt to deal with as now is the time to spend time with them not when its too late. Sometimes I wonder if they pretend not to accept it as its easier on them and an excuse NOT to help out? Forgive and do whats best for you dad you will have peace later not them. try and I know how hard it is to not let them get to you when your dad passes you can get all that anger off your chest. As you may or maynot have seen my other posts my sister was here recently and said "its great youre on a forum" Bitch!!
I'm not saying this to be mean. You need to Stop looking for a "pat on the back" from useless siblings. They have to live with their choices not you..Your parent is lucky to have you care for them and you in turn .
My brother is the same way. he see's dad once in a blue moon and always says he looks fine to him. he's in the last stage of liver cancer but he looks fine.. I know there is a special place in heaven for our family members who choose NOT to help care for their family members. Its called the "EXIT DOOR"!!
I don't explode, because I suspect they really want it not to be true, or they want me not to be unhappy, and I accept that they mean well.
On the other hand, when people react with shock and tell me I have lost the man I used to be married to, I feel upset too. Because it's not that bad yet! Why don't people say the right thing? I guess there's just no pleasing me!
I'm making fun of myself, but I want you to know that getting upset is natural. This is a hard job and a big emotional burden. I want others to understand and share this knowledge, so I'm not on my own, at least in my feelings.
What bothers you the most? Is it that they won't help plan for the future? They won't help? They won't give you credit for how hard it is? They don't visit because they don't know that he might die soon?
Ferris is here to toughen you up, and I am here to cuddle you and tell you it's all right. We are both needed.
The other brother knows things are wrong, but is busy with his job, family, and church. I believe he is of the old fashioned school where "the girls" will take care of things. He is also not very social. He rarely talks and doesn't seem to mentally connect -- he is vision and hearing impaired. He is probably just glad that I am here, because he has so much on his plate with his job. I don't begrudge him, because I know him. I'm just glad he is able to keep working and supporting his family. (I am a little less understanding of the SIL and their 5 kids, who could at least call. I think of how much easier my job would be if they would just volunteer to do yard work once a month. Four of the children are grown and could help a lot. But they are so into their small church family, the birth family has been thrown away. I guess you could say they were reborn into something that looks a lot like a cult.)
Tell your family you are going on holiday (or need a respite) and they need to step up to care for him. You don't ASK - you simply tell them.