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I just couldn’t come up with a sensible subject line, sorry.


I’ve shared my health issues, physical limitations, with my sons, the sick spouse’s demands on me, taking care of my sicker spouse. I have one artificial hip, other painful, birth defect and arthritis. I am Early diabetic as well, prone to dangerous low blood sugar, control my early type 2 diabetes with strict carb limits. But when I go low, I go dangerously low, get disoriented, dizzy, very sick. I am not aware when it’s happening, until I get into trouble. I walk with a cane when outside home, for stability. I am on supplemental oxygen for lung disease. I have a small portable oxygen concentrator for outside the home. Travel is getting very difficult, all sons and grandchildren live in other states. Just a rest stop, carrying oxygen, walking with cane, bathroom pit stop, checking blood sugar, fixing myself a snack as needed, is exhausting.


A couple months ago, a granddaughter wanted me to go see her senior year high school musical, in which she had the lead. I was torn between flying, with the oxygen concentrator batteries cost wreaking havoc with our limited income, at $500 each battery. I own two batteries, but would need two more to fly, as there are no direct flights. Plus rental car when I arrived. Very expensive. So, one son drove up from FL to ride with me, used my car and my gas to continue on to visit my granddaughter. 13-14 hours driving is almost more than I can do, but can’t afford the hotel rooms to break the trip up into 2 days each way. Plus, it takes me away too long, from my already sick spouse, forcing him to do pet care in my absence. I told my son, no problem to ride together, if he wanted to go hunting. My trip was about my granddaughter, and my youngest son, whom I stayed with, nobody else this occasion. Middle son from FL wanted to take along his live in girlfriend. I said no, that I wasn’t providing them free vacation, the trip was for my granddaughter, no girlfriends. It was only five days away from his current lady love.


Long story short, he made up some story about locking his keys in his truck, in my driveway the morning after we arrived in Ohio. Ended up, a bad lie, she had booked a flight one way, to the Ohio destination less than 8 hours after we got there, and they had their vacation anyhow, staying with his father, and using his truck to get around. The original plan was, if he got a deer, He and I would be driving his hunting gear and cooler of deer meat back to my GA home, where he would load up his truck, and continue home to FL. They had secretly planned the ruse all along, the keys were not locked in the truck at all. My spouse checked inside, through the windows. I do not travel well, being on oxygen, walking with a cane, and then handling hourly blood sugar checks and the lows I get when traveling, no matter how much I plan for it. If I got sick or had car trouble, I did not want to be responsible for yet another person. Son thought I would just have to suck it up and drive 13-14 hours with the latest girlfriend anyhow, despite me saying no to the request prior to the trip. I was so disgusted, I cut my trip short by a day and drove back home alone. Figured since they both disrespected me by flying her up anyhow, they could just figure out how to get back to FL. Big boy and big girl, solidly middle-aged, at least chronologically. So disrespectful of his sick mother. And good thing I hurried back, as spouse’s health quickly declined that week.


Do others have these kinds of family members, disrespectful of your limitations, your own feelings, the demands you are already shouldering?

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Um.

Is what happened that you drove home a day earlier than planned without saying a word about it to your son, so that he was left standing there looking like an eejit?

Lol! I'm not saying you were wrong. And if you wanted to avoid a fraught and difficult conversation along the lines of "I am not driving your girlfriend that distance and you needn't think I am" then stealing a march on them might have been the simplest answer.

But I don't think you can really be surprised that he's had a bit to say about it since, do you?

He tried to manipulate you, he was quite deceitful about it, they took you for a fool. They should now know better. But they'd rather paint you as unreasonable and passive-aggressive than admit that their clever ruse was not so clever - of course.

I'm sorry your son isn't more straightforward with you. I don't think your health or your support are the issue, actually. I personally feel he needs not to think he can treat you - ideally, you or anyone else - as chumps.
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JoAnn29 Jan 2, 2019
Don't think she is passive agressive, think he is. My MIL would say, I can get that for you. I'd say no, thats OK. She would go ahead and get it. When I didn't appreciate her gesture, she would sulk or get mad.
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I get that now husband is not your sons father? I give you kudos for going. I hope that other son's family now see your limitations and granddaughter appreciates what it took for you to travel to see her perform.

I am assuming you are just venting. Vent all, you want, thats what we r here for. Son was wrong but this seems to be the way of the world. People as a whole not taking other peoples wants and dislikes into account. I too would not want to spend 13 hrs in a car with someone I didn't know well. And kudos for leaving them there.

You need to tell the other son that you loved being able to see granddaughter and was so glad you did but u will not physically be able to do it again. First, spouses declining health, your declining health and finances being drained because of both. If he can't except that and explain it to ur granddaughter, then you have two self centered sons. Your fault, not necessarily. Its the times, too much entitlement now.
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Girlsaylor Jan 2, 2019
Yes, sons from first marriage. I have dwelt on this situation quite a lot. Thinking how we wish to be treated, as we age. We feel that it seems number two son would not be a good fit as caretaker, Will executor, for us in our old age. Threatening a parent wouldn’t be something we would risk again. So, he is not welcome here, given his lifelong poor behavior.
I have discussed health issues with youngest son, some, when I visited. He is a good guy, very laid back. He is aware I may not be able to travel anymore. It’s a sad situation, one that many seniors find themselves in, when family lives far away, and cannot visit. We do understand how hard it is for families with limited income to travel to visit parents/grandparents. But it’s going to have to be the way of the future, given our health and circumstances. It’s very expensive, whether driving, gas, or flying, with need for additional batteries for portable oxygen. Grandparents are generally not made of money, or so our peers seem to find their positions to be.
And yes, mostly trying venting, trying to sort out how future family relationships will be affected by cessation of traveling. I always tried to make one or two special trips, for each grandchild, through the years. Kids want to spend time with friends over Christmas and Easter, so I’ve always gone at other times during the year.
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Granddaughter’s performance was amazing! She is a lovely young woman, so happy to have gotten to spend a few days with her.
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It’s difficult to take a stand, knowing your adult offspring will retaliate, which he did. Publicly, online, threatened me and spouse. I knew he would cease contact, would not take responsibility for his actions. It’s been a lifelong abuse of his mother, and I was asked about my family be a busybody today, who had read his threats online. It’s just hard being mistreated I guess. Sorry for being a bother here.
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So if this all happened a couple of months ago, why is it troubling you now, especially?

And how was your granddaughter's performance?
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What a nice grandmother you were to go see your granddaughter, I loved when my grandparents came to visit. I believe you may have taught them a lesson when you left a day early.
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