Follow
Share

The family member is due to have another appointment with the memory specialist soon and is saying they will not attend this appointment.


The family member has been observed leaving the oven on in their apartment, answering the door dressed inappropriately, not knowing the day of the week (a clock on the wall, including the day, date and time of day - i.e. - sunrise, dusk... is there for use), having great confusion when it comes to understanding or sensing time in general, and they are at great risk for falling. A fall happened recently while trying to put a pizza in the oven while talking on the phone. A fall hospitalized the family member two years ago. I could go on but suffice to say we, the family, that does all the paperwork, shopping, cleaning, driving (for outings and appointments), laundry and some cooking, all of whom work, with one unable to do so...


What can we do at this point to have the family member be in a safer situation? The need for 24-hour care is coming, if it's not already here.
Our family member has thrown out every aide that has been hired. What do we do or can we do in order to prepare for the time when the family member needs to have complete care?


Our family member lives on a very modest income, so an Active Living Community isn't feasible, nor do we, the family, know if it's even appropriate for the member's level of dementia.


Help! What can we do now to prepare for what's coming?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
If you stopped propping up family member by doing everything for they, them would not be able to survive alone. Stop doing it and notify Adult Protective Services that they need help. The course you are on now will inevitably lead to another fall or other injury, and that will force the issue. At that point, there may be fewer choices available, and that's not necessarily a good thing.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
ForWhatItsWorth May 31, 2025
A hard decision, but true.
(1)
Report
A critical question for you: does your LO have an assigned PoA? If not, there are 3 possible scenarios: 1) you will either need to report her to APS (over and over until she is assigned a 3rd party legal guardian through the courts). If this happens then the guardian takes over all management and decisions while working closely with her family. They will place her in appropriate care., 2) someone of your family pursues guardianship through the courts, Once a family member is her guardian then that person has full authority to put an appropriate care plan into place. The guardian will need to figure out a therapeutic fib to get her to physically cooperate. 3) you wait for a medical reason to call in 911. If fact, if she's that bad you can probably go there and call 911 now but you only tell them she is "not herself and may have an untreated UTI, she is refusing all other care". They will hopefully be able to get her to the ER. At the ER you talk to both a social worker and the discharge planner to inform them she lives alone, is refusing care and is an "unsafe discharge". Work with the social worker to transition her directly into a facility from the ER. Make sure no one shows up to take her back home. If someone is currently her PoA: This person reads the document to see what authority they have and what activates the authority. It may require an official medical diagnosis of incapacity or danger to herself. But won't be able to get her to agree to go voluntarily. You will need to make up a therapeutic fib and get the facility in on it. They've done it before. Make sure she has the funds to pay for MC (most likely what she needs). The PoA needs to learn how to sign the documents so they are not legally financially responsible for the bill. Eventually if she needs LTC, this can be 100% covered in a facility through a combo of qualifying financially for Medicaid, plus the majority of her SS income, if she is assessed as medically needing LTC.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

If no one is your family members POA, then you have no choice but to call APS and report a vulnerable person with dementia living by themselves, and they will come out and do an assessment and if need be take over their care, and get them placed in the appropriate facility. And if money is an issue then Medicaid will have to be applied for.
This family member SHOULD NOT be living by themselves now, as they are not only a danger to themselves but to others as well.
What it is going to take before some action is taken....this person burning the building down because they left the stove or oven on?
You now have to do what is best for this family member to keep them safe. Period, end of sentence.
It really doesn't matter anymore what they want or don't want, it now boils down to what is best for them and their safety, and you already know that means getting them placed in a facility.
I wish you well or APS well in finding the right facility for your family member.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report

Let's say you have a close family member who is 7 years old, just became an orphan, who doesn't know the time of day, how to dress appropriately, is at great risk of falling and has fallen putting a pizza in the oven, leaves the oven on, can't do any paper work, has done all the other things you mentioned above, is not safe and tells it's other family members to bug-off?
And let's say this person has capable family members.

It's a hard learning curve, but start contacting ever agency and their cousin PRONTO. What's coming is NOW. When the back rooms of the house is on fire don't start asking - Should we wait 'till the fire gets to the door of the living room, and then what should we do? You'll be in utter chaos by then.

Go to the Active Living Community, the hospital, Aging Adult Services, the doctor, a Caregiver's support group or/and whatever agency that will give you resources.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I would call the county counsel on aging and request a needs assessment.

This will tell you what level of care your loved one needs.

Unfortunately, unless they have been deemed legally incompetent nobody can do much to help they have rights, even if it is not optimal. You have to wait for a crisis that forces change.

The counsel will report the situation to APS if she is a danger to herself or obvious signs of self neglect. This could result in emergency guardianship or services for in home help, totally dependent on the situation.

Best of luck, these situations are challenging.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

A person diagnosed with dementia is deemed unable to make decisions in their best interest / welfare. This is what dementia is ... so you do not 'ask' a person with dementia what they want to do. The person with legal authority does what is necessary for their care. Clearly, with dementia, 'the time is NOW or yesterday' to make changes.

With inept government (and their) indiscriminate cruel cuts for elders and disabled, among many others in need, we do not know what is available anymore. You will need to research all avenues of financial / placement support. If you can, hire an ind medical social worker to help you through the process.

* Ask your loved one's MD for referrals (government agencies).
* Ask for volunteers (college / high school) kids - they need this work experience (on their resume) ... focus on nursing, counseling, geriatrics, health majors.
* Contact your local church(es) and ask for support.

Gena / Touch Matters
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Hard decision is to step completely back and stop propping up his false sense of independence. The next fall is a 911 call and ER. Insist UNSAFE DISCHARGE and they are required to find placement. Don’t believe social worker sweet talk of home support. It’s not sustainable.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The first thing you have to do if it has not already been done..You need someone that is LEGALLY able to make decisions for this person.
While this can be discussed with other members of the family there should be ONE person that is the final decision maker.
This is the POA or if your family member has been determined by an Attorney that they do not understand what is being asked you will need to have someone designated at the Guardian. This is a legal process. Not easy and there is paperwork involved as well as time.

Next you begin the process of applying for Medicaid if that is necessary.
You also figure out if this person has any benefits they are due from Military Service if they are a Veteran.
You also find out if your area has a Senior Service Center that may be aware of programs that can help.
Then you consider the Pro's and Con's of
Facility care VS Home care.
If you determine that facility care is better financially you begin the process of selling the house.

NO family member should be dipping into their savings to help this person out.
NO family member should be quitting their job to care for this person UNLESS they will be paid to do so.
NO family member should leave their family to move in with this person.
IF a family member chooses to provide care they should have a Caregiver Contract and should be compensated for their work. And if this happens they should be able to say when they can no longer care for this person.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Hope your loved one does not burn the house down!

Your Famijy Member Requires memory care since it’s no longer possible for this person to live unsupervised. Requires care 24/7.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You visit a facility, find out the costs, bring home the physician sheet, ask the geriatrician to fill out the admission papers stating she is unable to care for herself, bring her in on the ruse of a free meal all while someone moves her basic stuff into an apartment, then sneak off when she is being entertained.
You can also ask staff of other ruses that will work. They are very familiar with it.
She will be mad. Do not visit her for about 2 to 3 weeks. Again ask the staff for support here.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter