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My FIL is currently in rehab at a nursing home and is continuting his controlling behavior and limited cooperation but what we thought was just simple concidence before we are learning is minipulative behavior.
When he was at his home, he had visiting nurses, an additional caregiver and others that would help him in addition to my husband. He would always be so sweet to them, give them extra money, etc. When my husband would come to help him, he would yell, scream, throw food across the room, call us within 10 minutes of leaving to come back and the list goes on.
Everytime we have mentioned his behavior to any worker, they have responded, "wow, this is just so out of character for him because he is so sweet. He always talks about how great a job his son has, his granddaughter, etc. I guess he is just really having a bad day."
When he put a gun to his stomach and threated to kill himself, it was in front of my husband and when we told visiting nurses, he was linked up to Hospice (way too soon and they are now no longer on his case). When my husband was 7 minutes late, he cut himself on the stomach with a knife. Again, dismissed by nurses as just felling bad.
After he requested a non-resusicate order be kept at his home, he then insisted to go to the hospital for help. After hearing from the family, they brought in a psycharist and kept him one week to evulate. According to the professionals, he is depressed, paranoid and has a touch of dementia. They also seen a few small strokes on an MRI. He is 86, so they said it was nothing too alarming.
He is now in rehab and does the same pattern of behavior. Calls my husband and yells and demands he come to the nursing home to pull him up in bed or take him to the bathroom.
The last straw was Sunday when he called and hung up, then called again yelling that he needed him to come right then, then hung up and called immediately back to make certain he was on his way. We called the nurses desk to ask what was wrong and they said he just wanted to be pulled up in bed.
One nurse said she didn't even hear him call, that he is just so sweet and only sings the praises of his family.
We feel he fully knows what he is doing to play more of the "victim." He has done things like this for years long before he was elderly. Does anyone else experience this behavior? I feel like it is just a form of evilness.
He is telling my husband that when he gets out that 4 trips a day to his house just wasn't enough and he needs to do more. We are trying to find a way to be done with all of it.

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my mom manipulates me every single minute. It sucks. Everyday you don't know if she wants to help u or not. she'll lay there complaining or actually do something when say your only 75, I know a lady 92and she drives. then she starts moving a little. . All her dr's suggest a psych eval. but she wont do it. She says she is smarter then they are. So I just breathe and do many tricks this site/board has taught me to do so far. And I just want to thank everyone for their help. You all so knowlegable. And its hard and probally will only get worse from what I here but just listening to you wonderful people and your advice has calmed me down. Thanks and I will always be here, listening. Brandi
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Its sounds like your talking about my father and my father was diagnosed as a sociopath, narcissist and has intermittent explosive disorder. He use to explode but it did not get him where he wants so he does not explode anymore, well he isn't for now and hasn't for close to six months. My father is very manipulative. When my father first arrives at a facility many of the staff thinks he's just a doll with dementia. It sounds like your father thinks he owns you an will own you as long as you let him. My father does not view me as a person. He does not care that he is bullying me. Its all about what he wants. My father seeks out situations and places and people where his tyrannical behavior will be tolerated. If you quit catering to him he will be done with you. Try it for your own families health and your fathers. At one of my dads facilities my family was there with him nearly every day for 20 days in a row several hours a day. I explained to him that I could not come to visit him for the up coming Saturday and Sunday but I would have a family friend there to visit. He called me at 10:15PM on Friday night shortly after I left him to tell me he needs me as he was so hungry and so dirty. I explained I just could not come, he kept adding to the problems he said he was having, and would not take no for an answer. I just could not go as I was working on catching up on my chores and I had probably been with him 17 days out of the last 20, cleaning, doing laundry, taking him shopping, helping him bath, etc. Exhausted!!! The hour drive just to get to him was killing me as I would go several times a day because off his demands. I called the nurse to check on him; I was more then an hour away. She tells me he's sitting in his recliner watching TV. She takes the phone and puts it on speaker. She explained to him I am concerned he's hungry and dirty and asked if he wants help with a bath and something to eat. He says, "that daughter of mine is a crazy F____ B____ that just wants to cause trouble, get out of here!' Then the nurse tells me I heard him call you and was wondering what that was about. The next time I see him he's just as sweet as can be kissing and holding my hand. He usually tells everyone how great I am, its his way of making me feel important. Another time I went to see my dad with my husband, my husband just had his hernia repaired. I explained to my dad my husband had two large hernias repaired. The doctor said they were some of the largest he ever seen and he did not tack them on the corners as customary he stapled them all the way around. Now keep in mind my dads walks for everyone in the facility. He does not walk on his own for my husband and I including my two adult daughters. We always we put him in a wheelchair. My husband and my two daughters are the only ones visiting him. Amazingly the day I tell my dad my husband just came from surgery my dad puts 100 percent of his 225lbs of weight on my husband and my husband struggles to get him in the car so my dad does not fall. My dad did not make any effort to help, he usually does some, not this day. My husband was really straining and my dad would not stand on his feet to support himself to get in the car and my husband was straining holding him up. My dad actually starting bending his knees as not to put his feet down. When we take dad back to the facility, I check with staff later and he was up and walking. He's therapist has no idea what I am talking about when I say he puts his weight on us and he does not walk when we visit. He was participating in physical therapy so I know his therapists is aware of what he is capable of doing. Another game he does when I speak to him by phone is, he struggles to speak, its like he's choking and has no air. Then I listen to him talk with others and I just listen on the phone and he is as clear and sharp as ever. He uses the bathroom on his own now, when I, or my husband is around my husband had to take him, undo his belt etc. When I call him I hear him laughing and chatting all the way down the hallway. He's coming from the living room of the facility. He tells me he was in his bedroom all lonely and has no one to visit with. He's played the I don't want to live game too, when I tell him I am not going to move him again..
I keep in touch with staff at my dads facility, he's been in his current place for about 6 months, almost a record. He is in a good place thank goodness. Yes he's playing manipulating games there. He will always play games. When I visit that keeps his mind spinning on how to use me for his entertainment. I will limit my visits because he plays these games weekly if not daily. He will bury me and my husband if I let him and I let him for much too long. Joycews just to let you know. My dad was diagnosed with depression, mini strokes I believe TIA, paranoid, vascular dementia and early stages of Alzheimer's, that is what the paperwork says. When he gets discharged to a nursing home they say, dementia, Alzheimer's, sometimes added is unusual behaviors. What the hospital psychiatrist will not tell you is he may have been diagnosed as a sociopath. They will never give that information to you. DHS gave it to me after my dad left the hospital. When I confronted a staff administration person at the hospital with the info. she was furious and said I was not suppose to have that, they never disclose that to family. She demanded to know where I got the paperwork from. Thank god I got the information. It said Axis-- sociopath, intermittent explosive disorder and a few others. He has been off all his life, I knew that but I am glad I have it in writing. Now I know for sure what I am dealing with. Another hospital told me he was a sociopath and narcissist but they have never gave me his psych records, but the records I have from them does not say that it. They did say unusual behaviors, they don't want to put sociopath in writing, I believe. Many of the staff where he's at blames it on dementia, bad day, etc. Hospitals don't want to give that out for many of reasons one which is placement, another is estrangement. By the way, paranoid is one quality of a sociopath So my dad is having a bad day, its best if staff believes that. I want them to keep him. The truth has been, all his life is about evil, you called it appropriately.
superficial charm, grandiose sense of self, pathological lying, lack of remorse, lack of shame or guilt, shallow emotions,incapacity for love, an unusual need for stimulation, callousness, lack of empathy, poor behavior control, impulsive, irresponsibility lack of realistic life plan, parasitic lifestyle; he's authoritarian, secretive, paranoid, grandiose, his goal of his victim is enslavement, ultimate goal is the creation of a willing victim, control over every aspect of the victims life all while looking very normal and handsome. See that your father-inlaw is in a clean safe place. Visit occasionally, rarely, thats best for him, your husband and you and don't buy into his changing his image, he doesn't change, he manipulates.

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My mother thinks it's an emergency when her blinds are crooked. She calls me hysterical about a crack on the ceiling or the grass on the sidewalk. She's angry and hateful and she just doesn't understand why "no one can take care of her" when she "took care of three kids". I'm so sick of it all. I want to run away. I have a full time job, a house that is falling apart, a husband that is disabled, HUGE college debt and a wedding to plan.
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Are our dad's related??? This not a new behavior for my dad, but as he has gotten more dependent on others, he has gotten worse. I feel for you guys as I am walking in the same shoes. I bet alot of us are! Thank God for this forum, we all need to be validated.
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Yes he could be Bipolar. My mom is happy and wants to all of a sudden do things she cant do, but I end up doing. Then the next days she's mean and crazy and saying really hateful things. But she's always been mean, and like this and was diagnosed in her lated 40's and she told them to go to hell. 2 yrs. ago she has hip surgery and they wanted to throw her out or transfer her out of rehab. Since I was a nurse they gave her to me. But I said hey Im a baby nurse not an elderly nurse. They said she is complaining and mean to are staff. So I took her back to her apt. Bought my 2 kids one way tickets to Hawaii and I thank God everyday they are happy now. She said if I send her away she will haunt me when she dies. She know that scares me.
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Kimbo64 -- it was so meant for you to make the following comment: "Remember, the story of the "little boy who cried wolf"? "
My FIL has called us numerous times to tell us he is "dying" and my husband needs to get there immediately. I commented to my mom the other day, "ever remember the story about the boy who cried wolf?" No one believed him after awhile. I think my mom feels I am too brutally honest and said, "well...he WILL die one day and I guess that will be one less to worry about." But to be honest, if you go for a couple of years and every few weeks you are dying, I don't believe you after awhile especially when we are told there is nothing really urgent. I always feel like I'm in the middle of a "Sandford and Son" skit where he is going to hold his chest and say, "Elizabeth, this is the big one!"
We have asked about Sun Downers and never received a yes on it. Just the mini-strokes, a touch of dementia and the depression and paranoid behavior.
The psycharist also spoke with my husband about sexual fantasies that were discussed and when we asked about them further to see if this is part of his problem, we were quickly dismissed by his RN saying that he has had long-going church members talk about the most sexual things and they don't know what they are doing. The problem with that? He was like this BEFORE he was elderly. He has told my husband he has been with hundreds of women and just last year, he was asking my husband to look up old girlfriends for him.
I spoke with the nurses last week who told me he is not eating much. I asked if there is an issue with swallowing, digestion, upset stomach, etc. and was told no. One nurse said she feels it is a control issue.
I also asked if he is participating in physical therapy and was told yes. I asked then why he says he cannot walk when we visit. He has my husband literally pick him up and put him on a toliet (he is approx. 180 lbs. and 6 ft.). He makes no effort to help and expects to be carried yet is going to physical therapy.
Kimbo and skinona, we have started using caller id religiously.
And missymo, may you be blessed for what you did for your dad. My mom was a caregiver for 15 years to both my grandparents and then ended up doing the same for my dad. It means the world when you have a parent who you want to caregive for. The drama I've described with my FIL is just a small piece of the pie to how he has been. My husband grew up with two parents just a hair better than your mom acts now. He said he is trying to honor his father by helping him, but I too feel the best help is long term care. And I will remember your comment of "You can not put a price on whose willing to sit by your death bed." I have a feeling that will be used in the future.
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We had private care in my Parents home 24 hour care to the tune of 10 grand per month and yes My Father ( a Doctor himself tried to kill himself). When we took him away from my Mother that's when he was happiest. I took care of him in our home for the last 3 months of his life along with hospice in home care and when he needed to be on the unit. I would not trade having him in his final months for anything. He was my greatest , teacher , my dearest friend , my Cut Man ( always in my corner ). I like to say I've had three Prince Charming's but my Daddy will always be my KING. It was a honor to be his Daughter for the 49 years G-d allowed him to share this life with me. I miss him dearly each and each day. My Mother is another story. Three months in to the ALZ, we put her in a group home because of the sun downing and she got out one day in Vegas where we live and she was naked with a full length fur coat on telling anybody and everybody we were beating her. That was it for me. She's was hitting , biting , spiting and punching me. Though it pains me greatly to have her in a group home . I know deep down in my heart its the best place for her to be. I could not deal with the Sun Downing. I also can not even deal with her becoming so ill out of nowhere. My Father had battled H.D & C.H.F for 26 years. He did not want to give up his life , why would he , he had a wonderful life , all except the 56 years of marriage to my Mother. If you would have told 20 years ago I would have end up my Parents keeper I would have laughed. I'm not laughing now. Even though My Daddy could pay to die anywhere in this world he choose me and my WONDERFUL Husband Home. I would not take care of anybody else's parent's for all the money in the world. You can not put a price on whose willing to sit by your death bed. My Husband is a saint. Even how he deals with my Mother. He goes to see her more than I do. Sorry for the rambling. I hate spell check please forgive me. Big Hugs to all , I'm so grateful I found this website. Doc's Daughter.
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Sun Downing , Maybe.
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Attention-seeking behavior is not all that uncommon but threatening suicide and slashing his stomach with a knife when he doesn't get his way goes way beyond attention-seeking behavior in my opinion.

My dad would call me from the nursing home, telling me that he couldn't find his pants. I spent the better part of a Friday night one time on the phone with the nurses and the nursing supervisor trying to get my dad to settle down. I think this sort of thing happens a lot but pales in comparison to what you described. I agree with some of the other posts and start looking for a long term care situation for him.
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So sorry that you and your family are going thru this kind of behavior (manipulative). This sounds like my MIL to a tee. She also behaved like this before she became elderly and ill. I currently care for my father but before he became ill, my husband and I were helping her. She is always wanting attention...pity, sympathy, etc...The more you give the worse she becomes. Remember, the story of the "little boy who cried wolf"? Ummm.....that's her. It is so frustrating and maddening dealing with her...so for me I just quit. My husband did just what skinonna's suggested; He will not answer the phone if he isn't in the mood for her abuse. Sounds terrible but it has helped him cope with it. Hope things get better for you!!!
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I think they act in whatever manner they believe will get them what they want. I don't believe they actually reason it out, but it's like an instinct. I've seen it in my MIL who has mild/moderate dementia. Go into the dr's sweet as can be, but before the door is shut leaving she muttering "all they want is my money and I'm never going there again." Tells her friend she can't possibly go because "my back is killing me" then go rake the lawn.
Do you have caller ID on the phone. I would suggest not answering when you cannot go or do not want to go.
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Thank you. Yes, he is on meds for depression (I believe a couple of different medications). We have never been shy about telling the staff what is going on with him be it physically or emotionally.
Noahbb, I have wondered about him being bi-polar. His psychariatic exam however didn't reveal that, but it sure makes me think. I also did some basic research online and he meets approx. 16 out of 19 signs of a sociopath (I took in accout what I know of him and what my husband told me growing up with him as a dad).
vw9729, assisted living or a nursing home is what my husband is hoping for the long term outcome. We have an 8 year old and this is hard on her emotionally to see her dad put through this. We looked into an agency staying with him but in our state, the cost per hour is around $16 and for 24/7 care, that amounts to a pretty penny a week. And if he is in his own home, he will call my husband and let the workers sit there (he has done that before).
We just kind of wondered if this kind of hell is that common. My mom took care of my grandparents and they could be difficult at times, but not the conniving kind of planning and they were pretty much the same around everybody. Same with my dad when he got sick. Never had anyone tell me they were shocked by anything and he had stage 4 heart failure and vascular dementia (and had survived cancer twice).
Sometimes my husband said he would think, "is it just me" and I got to thinking that too until we just started noticing time and again one incident after another.
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That's a great answer
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It sounds like your FIL has serious mental problems to me. I would strongly suggest he be placed in assisted living or a nursing home if possible when he leaves rehab. If no one is going to the doctor with him now, I would also suggest someone start going to ensure the doctor is fully aware of what is going on. Hopefully, he is on medication for his depression and paranoia. If not, he needs to be ASAP and hopefully this will help with his ranting and raving. And it sounds like you and your husband are going to have to set some boundaries and practice tough love with him. It's not fair that obviously your husband has been going to his house 4 times a day since your FIL said that's not enough. If he needs help that many times a day, he needs to be in a facility or hire home health care - but his children shouldn't be running every time he calls unless it's a TRUE emergency. And it's only going to get worse. If he needs help while he's in rehab, tell him to push the button and wait until the nurse or technician can come help him. Good luck!!
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My mom does similar things she is 76. Was diagnosed bipolar but refused the meds and the diagnoses. she is sweet to most dr.'s and the nurse who stays for 10 min. and her social worker person. except me and my sister and my grandmother who died. She lost all her friends and most of her family. Dr.s are scared to tell her stuff so they tell me. I don't know if that's the same but I have to live here with her. You should ignore him you can't go on being treated like that. Why can't the place where he is at help him? If I would of known what I know now I would of stayed in Hawaii with my son
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