Family Meeting--what to discuss?
Y'all know my story. 88 yo mother lives with brother in small apt attached to his home. He is her primary caregiver--(and very defensive about the role). She allows me to come in a few times a week, but still looks to brother for all medical advice, etc. They have a very weird relationship--- Mother is failing. She has been sick since about the first of Nov. UTI, URI, one ER visit to rule out anything "serious", more GI problems, vomiting, not eating...I really thought she was not going to live through Christmas. She is "better", but not back to baseline of Nov. Much less mobile, much frailer, often bladder incontinent, less able to string together words and sentences--I know that one serious fall will do her in. My other 3 siblings are mostly MIA. They don't know nor seem to care what happens to mother. I get it, she would never have won mother of the year, but she IS our mother, and we all need to be on the same page, carewise. I emailed everyone and asked for a family meeting (just sibs, no spouses) and asked brother with POA to bring mother's LTC policy and anything else he feels appropriate to know. I actually have them all coming over Tues night. Amazing. Mom needs more care. About 6 months ago I had her ready for an in home care company to come in 2xs a week. Brother talked her out of it ("they steal from you, they'll steal your identity"--basically he preyed on her worst fears and she balked.) I actually WORKED for this company for years and I was pretty offended that brother kind of threw me under the bus.... Anyhow--going forward--please help me think of topics we need to discuss. I can GIVE great advice, but this is my own family and I feel frozen. Mother has mild-moderate dementia, brother says she's fine. His plan is to keep her home until she dies. He said (a direct quite) "when she can no longer walk, I will install a Hoyer lift above her bed, hoist her up in the morning, change her diaper and plop her in a wheelchair and park her at the kitchen table for the day". Uh, no, pal, this is inhumane. So--she has funds for in home care, also for a moderately priced ALF--but she's too frail for that, I fear. Money is not an issue, 2 of my sibs are wealthy beyond their needs, so we don't have to worry (luckily). Just need some topics and questions we can banter about. I've tried and tried to get all my sibs to have this meeting for a couple of years--now mom is so sick and frail...it's like we're too late, but I'm going to do the best I can. Thanks in advance. Any advice welcome!