Can a family member force another member to take care of a parent?

Wow, your brother played a very nasty trick on you.

Re: your father's care, contact your local Adult Protective Services agency. Could he possibly go back to the nursing home he was in before? What does your father want?

Also, you need to find out what the legal situation is. Does your brother have PoA? If your father is competent, he can have it revoked and appoint someone else. If not, your brother's stunt pretty much guarantees the state will revoke it, but you will have to find out the process for this.

Find out about your father's finances too. Make sure your brother isn't dipping into your father's money.

Before my brother cut off contact with me, he did mention that he's not liable for our father since he did not sign for any power of attorney, though he does have access to our father's fiances and was in the process of returning him to the nursing home. When he asked me to take our father for a few days, it was because the nursing home wasn't allowing are father to come back in a time period that was to my brother's liking. I fear he may have canceled the plans with the nursing home after an argument we had. Being the weekend, I'm not sure what I can do until Monday and hope they are still processing his return. I don't know anything about our father's health, what kind of medicine he has or needs. He hasn't taken any since he's been here and I don't know what he's suppose to take. I'm clueless on how to take care of someone. My father's mental state is one of confusion and forgetfulness. I'm glad I found this website, I didn't know anything about Adult Protective Services. Thanks.

It looks like your brother has pretty effectively forced you to deal with the issue, but that doesn't mean you have to personally provide hands-on care for your father in your home. I'll echo margarets: get an outside agency involved. Make it clear that you cannot keep your father in your home. See what the financial situation is.

Maybe your brother honestly thought he could care for Dad and would be better than the nursing home. When he found out that wasn't the case, his behavior was not honorable.

Poor Dad. Do your best to assure him that you love him and want the best for him and you are sorry that it can't be at your house. I hope you can find suitable placement for him quickly.

Brother is really a jerk, isn't he?

Whoa, you don't know what your father's health needs are? Can you contact his old nursing home to find out? Do you know who his doctor is and do they have a weekend service of some kind, someone who can check his file? Depending on what meds your father should take, this is potentially an emergency.

looking back, maybe brother wouldnt be so burned out if hed had your help from the start. not being snide i just remember my older sister only gave the impression that she was helping while the reality is she dumped her daughter there to caregive and she just beat the roads . that was pretty fraudulent too.

My father and I have never been close. I've seen him once a year until about two years ago. My parents got divorced when we were very young, he was a deadbeat father who abused alcohol and drugs his entire life. He was not the type of person I would want to hang out with or even know. I showed courtesy and offered respect when I was around him only because he was my father, but I did not want to know him. My brother got close to our father while I was in the military. They bonded because they had similar habits. I stayed out of it because I did not. My father's health condition is a result of his life in the fast lane. He's not even 60 yet and cannot walk without assistance, part of his tongue has been removed so I don't know what he's saying, and as I said his mental condition is of confusion and forgetfulness.

I contacted his old nursing home on Friday and they said they are waiting for the doctor to provide them my father's health care needs before they can admit him. This was before the argument between my brother and I. I don't know who his doctor is and when I picked up our father I asked my brother about his medicine since I would have him for a couple days, and my brother said there was nothing to worry about since I'll only have him for a few days.

At the start, I offered my brother the advice of leaving our father in the nursing home where we know he'll be taken care of. He refused to do so because he said he didn't want to be left in a nursing home when he got older. I may be a jerk for not helping from the start, but my brother knew that before he turned down my advice.

So here you are on a Saturday night with a potentially chronically sick, not very elderly man to look after. Can your father communicate in writing? Simple questions written down, give him time to think, might be worth a try. You're not going to get a detailed history but if there's anything he needs NOW he might be able to tell you.

Have a good look at him. Does he look physically well? Is he able to eat and drink? If you're not sure, or not happy, you could always get him down to the nearest ER, explain the situation, and ask them to give him a once-over to rule out immediate problems.

My money is on your brother folding pretty quickly. I don't mean to sound unkind, I can see why you feel as you do, but your brother cares about your father and you understandably don't, much - if your brother doesn't like the idea of his free-spirited dad being in a nursing home, he's not going to want to leave him to your tender mercies for long either. Institute a suitable, healthy routine. If that doesn't work fast, make your own arrangements with the NH and proceed.

Shameless curiosity, nothing to do with the matter in hand (or not necessarily), but what was the argument about?

You have kept your boundaries in regards to your father all these years, and your brother was just nasty to lie to you this way. I would take him to the ER, tell them you don't know what meds he was on, what doc he has, and that his son left him with you for a few days and refuses to retrieve him.

Don't admit you are family - it sounds like your bio dad tore up his daddy card many years ago. I would leave him with the medical professionals. They have access to online medical records once they figure out his ssn. He is NOT your problem.

Surprise, I agree that the ER plan would probably work. The thing is, I get the impression that the difference between the brothers is that the absconder would go ahead with something like that, but the poster wouldn't. Interesting, isn't it? - one deliberately takes on responsibility then dumps it; the other declines responsibility but then does his best to fulfil it. Chalk and cheese...

Well I dropped my father off at a random ER and hopefully everything works out fine. Ok, just kidding, I didn’t do that. Similar ideas ran through my mind when this situation first occurred, but I just can’t do that. I don’t want to do anything that could be considered wrong, or worst, against the law. This whole thing started on Tuesday night and my father has been handling himself fine. He actually looks pretty healthy, all things considering, and eats more food than I can handle myself. I’m holding out for Monday hoping my brother hasn’t cancelled his entry into the nursing home. If he has cancelled it, I now know to call Adult Protective Services or maybe the police since it’s a holiday. Either way, everything should get fixed by Monday.

The argument my brother and I had was of course about our father. He finished moving and I tried to return our father to him, he refused. It escalated because I couldn’t keep our father because I had to go to school. I’ve missed most of the first week of my final semester of school and am falling behind because of this trick he pulled. I live in a two room apartment and going to school full time on the G.I. Bill. If my landlord finds out I have someone else living here, I’m going to get kicked out.

My brother’s side of the argument, as presented to me, is that he has a family and a job to worry about, bills and food to buy, and that he’s taken care of our father long enough and that now it’s my turn. He says since I’m a student and I have the government paying for everything that I am able to take care of him.

I don’t see my brother folding, once he makes a decision he sticks with it. He and our mother got into an argument and they haven’t talked to each other for 9 years now. He disowned me this week because he said I am giving him too much stress that he doesn’t need, then he broke off communication with me. He’s vengeful and spiteful and I’ve always had to walk on eggshells around him to prevent his disowning of me, but this trick caused me to ignore the eggshell walking.

Yes, my brother and I are complete opposites, apples and oranges, night and day, and now chalk and cheese, which means I’ve heard them all.

You're giving him stress? Hm. Interesting. Well, there's a lot to be said for a future path with no eggshells on it...

Sounds like you've got it all under control, well done. Good luck for Monday, and with your studies.

Well despite your dysfunctional family, XNOYBJ you sound like you turned out to be an awesome person, full of wisdom and compassion! Like Countrymouse said, well done. Good luck with getting your dad back into the nursing home. Continue with your own life and don't look back. We can't help what family we're born into, but we can help what we do about our relationships with them once we're adults.

Yeah, I often refer to myself as the white sheep in a family of black sheep. Thanks everyone for the support and direction. I appreciate it. I was completely lost before stumbling onto this site.

Hey bro, now you know how it feels. Take care of the old man for a bit, earn some respect, and see what happens.

You misunderstand PStern, the nursing home was willing to keep him and his bills would be taken care of. I didn't dump the problem in my brother's hands, he volunteered to care for our father against my advice of leaving him in the nursing home. I'm not looking to earn any respect from a father whom I'm not even close to and even despite that, I would still take care of him if I was capable of doing so, which I am not capable of doing at this time. His long term health care needs would be better provided for by someone who wasn't tricked into caring for him.

A quick followup in case anyone was interested. The nursing home continued to state that they were waiting for the doctor's orders. I asked for the doctor's information and I called the doctor's office to try and expedite the process. They said they would try. Throughout the day I heard nothing from either camp. I tried giving the nursing home a final call as the normal business hours came to a close and left a message on the voicemail. I then tried to call Adult Protective Services but got lost somewhere in their maze of automated menus. Seeing how I figured it navigating the menus would be a waste of time since normal business hours were basically over, I opted to call the police and found that they too have an automated menu system just as confusing. As I was nearing what I believed was the end of the menu maze, I received another call, so I hung up on the police and answered the call. The nursing home said they received the doctor information and will admit my father on Tuesday. I took this time to find out what the doctor information said so that I could make sure my father was receiving proper treatment while in my care.

Whew, sounds like you got your much needed info in the nick of time! So you mean he will be admitted to the nursing home tomorrow? That's great!! Let us know how it goes.

Sorted! Goodness don't we just love those phone menus… :)

Glad it is working out. This should ease the stress for both you and your brother. Yep; he played a nasty trick; but he was probably very resentful that you weren't more involved (meeting his expectations). Let it settle down. I don't know if you want a relationship with brother going forward; but if you do -- once this settles, you might want to tell your brother how you feel, that you aren't giving him "I told you so" and that you appreciate what he tried to do for dad for as long as he did. If you don't want a relationship or never had one, know that that is okay too. No regrets.

Best wishes to you.

After months of trying to get my brother into any kind of facility and getting nowhere, has a disability and was facing foreclosure, in the end we used the ER plan, which in my opinion always work because you then have access to the social workers who will ultimately be responsible for placing him, it does become in a way their emergency...otherwise resources are not open to you just inquiring and takes a longer time to come about.

I did the same when my disabled brother needed help when he was being foreclosed upon and despite his disability the Sheriffs police wanted to put him out in an overnight shelter for drug abusers, he went to the ER, and was placed in a nursing facility and afterwards was able to make his way to a newly opened assisted living facility for disabled adults.

It sounds scary to use the ER this way but it does work.

I'll keep the ER plan in the back of my mind just in case something like this happens again.

As for now, my father is in the nursing home getting the proper health care treatments that he needs.

As for my relationship with my brother, while I had never fully trusted him, I had always provided him opportunities. He claims I am selfish, though over the years I have given him thousands of dollars to help with his bills, rent, to buy a car, I have bailed him out of jail, and I gave him help whenever it was within my ability to do so. I have taken him to multiple sporting events on my own dime. Paid his way into every poker tournament we've ever played in together. He has stolen my identity (though he claims it was his ex wife that stole it) and I paid the bills he ran up in my name instead of turning him into the police. All this and I never asked for any of the money back nor have I ever asked him for help with anything as I don't seem to find myself in any of the troubles he always finds himself in. Actually I did ask for the bail money back, but I never seen a dime of it.

However, this trickery from him has put me a week behind in my schoolwork and may have been the final straw for me. So as for now I will take advantage of his disowning me and move on. If it leads to us not talking in 9 years or so, then I'll evaluate and deal with that at that time and see how I feel. As for now, I feel relieved.

Count your lucky stars your brother disowned you. Who needs this guy?

However, your family is dysfunctional, just like mine. That said, nothing will change without everyone on board and everyone acknowledging that there is a need to change. That is probably not happening. So the next step, in my opinion, is to keep a distant relationship with your dad. Make sure he is cared for to the best of your ability but make sure you do not take him into your home. As for your brother, boundaries are much needed here. You have given your best and he has taken it all. Time to teach him the proper way to treat his sister. You have to understand that he knows what he has learned. It is essentially up to you to take this abuse or not. I vote not.

I have been reading a wonderful book about dysfunctional families. My family is dysfunctional and now I understand why we are always yelling at each other instead of listening and understanding each other's point of view. More than likely your brother will never come to grips with the fact that his behavior is dysfunctional. In that case you have to do what I have done. Big, solid, strong, boundaries. It is the only way to survive when there is major dysfunction in a family.

And PStern, please, this woman has her plate full, who are you to judge her?

XNOYBJ, I am sorry that I some how assumed you were a woman. However, I think my advice still fits pretty well. Good luck to you and don't let your family ruin your educational plans. You are an awesome guy.

It's cool Palmtrees1, someone calling me a woman is the least of my worries and an honest mistake. Thanks for the advice, from everyone. Being on this site has helped give me the direction and support I needed and allowed me to vent a lot of built up frustration. I slept like a baby last night for the first time in a week.

It sound like college to me the only people who worry about being behind a week congrats!