Family fighting during family crisis. Advice?

I just read your question again.

What's that 5 types of love thing?

I wonder if the 'gift giver' sister could change from sweet treats to other sorts of gifts? I dunno, flowers?

As you say, she 'bails'. I guess she likes to get that 'thankyou moment' so maybe another type of gift could be a win/win.

Dear Becky, thanks for your post. I'm sorry that you think your problems were ridiculed. People on the site have different experiences as well as differences in their family problems. The variety of responses offends some people, but is clearly useful to others - even if it is a 'shock of cold water'. Best wishes to you in your journey with the family, Margaret

Becky, thanks for coming back.

Many of us see the "slow motion train wreck" kind of situation that you find yourself in.

Best wishes for finding peace and wisdom on this journey.

I still wonder (as I asked when you first posted) if your parents have a specific need to avoid "treats"--like diabetes, obesity?

Thankyou for all advice, and my apology for my lack of follow up after I posted my “very first question.” So I’m unsure even replying to my question and advice was put in the right box.
I think perhaps my question might have appeared that it was a mountain made of a mole hill.. however it remains a mountain. I’m retired nurse who knows what POA and all the laws that surround that position. Never ever have I asserted myself on my parents, all of their decisions are made by them, and I support them regardless if I agree or not. Secondly it saddened me to read some of the replies. I thought this was a supportive forum… my very first question was met with ridiculing, by some . Trust me my wording in the heading may have been dramatic choice of the word crisis.. I very well recognize a true crisis.
The situation is more about manipulation by one sibling not that I forbidden my parents about sweets.
I remain their daughter firstly, and in that comes respect first.
So Thankyou to the members that chose to guide me kindly.
But this is not the forum for me.
Wish you all the very best with your spouses, parents, family in general that your wisdom helps them through their journey.

Sidestepping the sweets issue for a mo, are the folks coping at home?

Does the Brownie-Sis live in? Or any of you? Or is it a roster type situation at present keeping them alfloat?

There isn't a lot you can do about this. But maybe just small things can help. When my mom lived at home and I was her primary caregiver, over an entire year I gradually took her off, little by little, the abundance of sweets she had been eating. Her doctor wanted her to cut back. I never told her she couldn't have them, I just replaced them with healthier sweets - fruit and fruit sweetened snacks - some of which were still not entirely good for her, but better quality and satisfied her cravings. And I'd leave only one helping of the sweets out for her to see and smell. Otherwise, she would forget having already had one minutes after and go for more and more. If people brought sweets, I'd hide most of them and give them to her one a day until gone. She always loved ice cream and when I was her caregiver, I scooped a very small amount for her every night before bed. It was kind of a funny ritual we went through where she would act like a queen being served. She never asked for more than I gave her. Thankfully. They did the same for her at assisted living, but they also gave her sugary cookies and cakes several times a day. After a little bit of trying to convince them that she shouldn't have that much sugar, I decided to not interfere. It was a losing battle because I was only there an hour or two a day. She gained 10 pounds. At memory care the sweets were not given as freely and she was fine with that and lost the 10 pounds. Unless you can get into their house and hide some of the cookies, a doctor's order is about all you can count on helping in the situation. But there will be way more serious problems coming up as your parents age, so try to relax with this one.

In picking what hill to die on, this would not be mine. To be frank, your parents, if they like sweets may be asking for these or enjoying these. Their not eating these and having a diet dictated by their children "for their own good" is to me just sad. It is a relief to know they aren't smokers with her supplying cigarettes; that would be of some concern. I just don't see this being worth the problem discussing in all of the many serious issues coming toward you. POA for health does NOT give you any rights whatsoever to dictate diet in parents who are functional. I would back away from this minor issue, myself. It's up to your parents what they eat. If they aren't into sweets they can ask sister for something other. Myself, I would be requesting Hershey Bars. I am 80. I hope you would allow them!

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If this is deemed a "crisis," I hate to think what will happen when a real crisis occurs.

Trust me, cookies are not a crisis.

My DH has diabetes, which he refuses to control. I have long since given up trying to help him. I cook healthy, don't leave cookies and candy in the house but he buys his own stash. The other night he ate an entire bag of ROLOS, 14 servings, in the time it took to watch a movie. Then came to bed with a bag of potato chips.

It makes me mad, b/c there are ramifications when he does this--mostly raging diarhea, which is gross and is painful for him--but he still eats whatever he wants.

My SIL is a GI doc and tries to have 'come to Jesus' talks with DH. DH doesn't respect SIL's advice and so he just is slowly killing himself. I did tell him that if he EVER loses a foot or leg to diabetes I WILL NOT care for him. He will go straight into a NH and that's that.

He thinks I'm horrible, but WHY should I have to suffer as a CG for someone who will not take care of themselves?

My kids don't give their dad candy and treats. I don't. He buys them himself. He could have a small amount eaach day but he has NO shut off valve--as witnessed by him eating 14 servings of candy in 90 minutes.

He was in the hospital for 10 days last winter to get his blood sugar under control and he did feel better as long as he eats appropriately. He refuses.

Yesterday he told me he was sick of my 'bossing him'. Well, by putting a healthy meal in front of him and not having any sweets in the house is 'bossing'--then I don't know what to do.

I'm lucky that kids are all on board with the 'no candy for dad' thing. I cannot control what he, on his own, chooses to do.

IF he had the slighest self control, I could keep treats in the house for the grands. But he will eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches and leave the empty box behind--kind of a slap in the face of the younger kids who get a little upset when the come up from the downstairs fridge holding an empty box.

I have decided that when the time comes (I am 72 so not far off) I will go to an AL and they better allow me to continue on my schedule which is not getting up till nine and not going to sleep before 12pm. I like to read before I go to sleep. Breakfast is usually just a bowl of cereal and toast. It does vary but nothing too big. Lunch I don't eat. Usually a snack which is my sweet. I must have my sweets. I don't indulge, but need my sweet a day. Dinner is my biggest meal and that is not much. I usually have some kind of chocolate like Hershey's kisses or miniatures. My DH likes to grab a couple every now and then, me too. Neither of us are diabetics. So, my girls know better than trying to keep sweets away from us.

With people suffering from Dementia they seem to crave sweets. It gives them instant gratifucation. Also, in the elderly, their taste and smell diminishes and the one thing they can taste is sugar. If either of them suffers from diabetes or is borderline, then you have something to be concerned about. But even then diabetics do cheat. If not and they are eating healthy otherwise, then it won't hurt them to have some sweets. Now the potato chips and anything overly salty? If there is any kidney failure, they don't need the extra salt. If on B/P meds, they don't need the extra salt. If they need water pills, no xtra salt.

I would ask ur sister why she thinks her parents need that much junk food. Really, they are 80 yrs old and should be able to eat what they want but not overdo the sugar. Moms got Dementia, let her have her sweets. Dad suffers from anxiety. Don't make it worse by fighting over what he eats,

You know what the elderly probably hate the most...their children telling them how to live their lives. In their eyes they have been doing pretty well. Be a helper not a controller.

Death by chocolate, what a way to go.

Can I have fudge on that please!

Where's the 'family crisis'? Did I miss something?

With dementia, a person's taste for sweets increases dramatically. Why do you consider allowing your parents to have treats in their home a 'train wreck'? You consider your sister buying them what they like to eat an effort to earn 'brownie points' but have you considered that she's just trying to keep them happy in their old age? Are they suffering from diabetes or obesity, either one of them, that would make eating sugar dangerous? Covid is another pain in everyone's behind that's forced isolation upon us, so eating a bit of junk food is on the list for most human beings these days! The quarantine 15 is real.

If eating sugar is not dangerous for either of your folks, I'd leave things alone and let them eat what they want. With dementia, life gets SO horrible to begin with that it's hard to find joy anymore. I've watched my mother morph into someone else entirely with her dementia, so I bring her chocolate and cookies, too. If it kills her faster, GOOD. The quality of her life is shot to begin with, so if she can find joy in eating junk food, then like my DH tells her, eat dessert first. Long ago I stopped looking for ways to extend her torturous life, to be honest, and to just leave her in peace to do as she pleases. That includes not wearing her oxygen at night if it causes her more discomfort than it cures.

Yes, you and others may disagree with me but that's okay. If my children start telling me what I can and cannot eat in MY old age, they'll get an earful they won't soon forget.

Maybe you can reach an agreement with your sister to bring them 3 boxes of cookies a week instead of 4 and leave the rest of the stuff alone. To me, it's not worth risking the relationship you have with your sister by forcing your opinion on her. Plus, you said your parents are not deemed incompetent, so they likely know when to STOP eating said junk food & put it back in the pantry for another day.

Best of luck to you.

Are they diabetics? Overweight? High cholesterol? Unless there is a specific reason for restricting treats I wouldn’t make this a hill to die on. I don’t think POA for health gives one authority to dictate their diet.

Who sent the email about treats? It is normal for siblings to resent each other when one tells others what to do and when.

Can you get the doctor to write a note about decreasing their sugar intake and why it should be done?

What health issues make it important to restrict your parents' diets?