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I'm hoping someone could be of assistance.


My mother is 83 years old and lives at home by herself, she has memory loss due to having mini strokes.


She lives 5 mins from me and has carers twice a day for 15 mins but doesn't get on with them and is quite horrible to them, she won't let them make her food or anything.


I have just been made redundant and go to my mums twice a day to make sure she eats and give her her meds.


Theres me, my older brother who holds power of autorney for her wellbeing and finance, and 2 other sisters. The brother and 1 sister live in the same town and the other sister lives 80 miles away.


My problem is the sister who lives far away, she has been a home carer for 21 years and reminds me of this daily, she says that I'm not looking after my mother properly as I'm not with her often enough, I should be with her most of the day as I'm not working.


My mother has also became very incontinent, her bed and sofa are wet most days, she changes trousers but not pants or she puts clean trousers on top of wet ones and when we try to change her she gets aggressive and swears at us. According to my sister I should change her however stressed my mum gets and do whatever it takes to make sure she washes and changes daily, I feel like forcing her to do something she doesn't want to is abusive but my sister says its not as she's my mother. She tells me I should take her out daily if not more, I should buy her different pads for her incontinence and just basically tells me daily what I should do with my mum. My sister that lives locally only goes to my mum when she feels like it or I ask her to, and my brother does her shopping once a week, as he holds her finances and that's it.


I feel like everything is on my shoulders and my sister is constantly on my back with what I should do cause she has done the job for years.


I feel like I'm the only one taking responsibility, even though I don't hold power of attorney.


Can anyone advise on how I make the situation better???

Think of it this way, Alice. If you don’t stand up for yourself and say “Enough!” Who will? Seriously. And, if you placed Mom in a facility, Faraway Sister would certainly get her commupence when she tried to run the show there. They would either laugh at her or hand her some latex gloves and a box of wipes and tell her if she knows so much to get to work wiping bums.

There have to be facilities where Mom could go where you live. Your government must has some sort of Care Plan for Seniors who cannot afford self-pay. Send your sibs a registered letter and tell them you’ve had enough. You need to go back to work to support yourself. You are resigning this volunteer caregiving job. You are open to meeting with them in a calm way to find a solution agreeable to all of you and that solution does not involve you being the only present 24/7 caregiver. Period. As I said, no one will stand up for you if you won’t stand up for yourself.
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Alicet84 Sep 11, 2018
Thankyou for your time.
I am thinking of getting some legal advice from a solicitor with regards to where i stand if it all gets a bit out of hand with her, and with regards to my brother not taking the lead but sitting with poa, as i do feel none of this should be left to me regardless of the fact i am unemployed at the moment.
If anything, to find a way for her to leave me alone and let me do what i do with my mum without her giving me orders all the time would make me less stressed and maybe enjoy the time i have with my mum.
Thanks again.
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Brother has POA? Right? Then he must step up - is there a way of forcing him to do so? As for everybody who tells you what to do, just tell them "NO" back.  Your mum needs more at this point that you could do at her home or yours.
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Alicet84 Sep 11, 2018
Yes brother has poa. He just doesnt know how to handle our mum and isnt a very sociable person anyway so he doesnt bother. I contacted her social worker who is of no help and told me to contact the doctor regarding her being incontinent.
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What sort of living facilities are available for your mom?  If your sister says she is the professional, then invite her to step up. I presume you are looking for work, right away or in the near future. You don't want to really become a full time, unpaid carer do you? You understand that your situation would be very very different than that of a paid employee working a regular shift.  Sounds like your mom is slipping into dementia and would not be able to work with you for a better living situation, just fight, which might escalate into physically abusing you.  Time to start looking to the future, for placement.
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Alicet84 Sep 11, 2018
She stays at home herself and has 2 x 15 minute visits per day from a private care company.
My sister says she will travel every fortnight for 2 days to help out but it ends up being put back and at the minute visits for 2 days around once a month.
I dont want to be her carer as i feel unconfortable in doing so, shes my mum at the end of the day, i dont mind helping out with washing, meds, etc.
But for my own needs i need to return to work as soon as possible, i only got made redundant 2 weeks ago and still done everything for my mum even when i did work cos she wont take food, meds anything from her carers.
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It sounds as though your sister is a paid carer who goes home to a separate life with her wage after work. She has already decided that she won’t take your mother as live-in, and neither should you. Your mother’s behaviour is being impossible to manage by visiting her, and there is no hint that it will be easier or effective if you spend more time there. Ask you sister to sort out her judgements with your brother who is POA. Yes, something is needed, but not from you at this point.
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What the heck can a caregiver do in 15 minutes? Ahmijoy is right, they’re a waste of time and money. Who pays for them? It sound like the paid caregiving needs to be increased. A lot. Maybe far away sister can help pay for a caregiver as good as she is.
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Alicet84 Sep 10, 2018
My mother originally had 30 minutes at breakfast and tea time but as she was unco-operative, social work have minimised it to 15 mins. So my sister believes i should do whatever i have to to make sure she is washed dressed and changed against my mothers wishes, some days my mum co-operates with me and i can change her but other days she gives abuse and wont.
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Ask your far away sister, who is a “teller” and not a “doer” if she will come to your town for a long weekend and go on a tour of facilities for your mom to go to. Since, in Sister’s eyes, you are an incompetent caregiver and she is the best of the best, she should have no objection. In truth, Mom should not be on her own. And yes, even our parents can be abusive and “abuse” is what it’s called even when they’re our parents. Sister will tell you should take Mom to live with you. Or you with her. You have a lot of people telling you what to do but not many pitching in. The caregivers you’re paying for are a waste of time and money. I’m surprised they haven’t quit.

Who has POA? That’s the person who needs to be talked to about a facility for Mom.
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Alicet84 Sep 10, 2018
My brother (the oldest) has poa but he only does her shopping and hands her meds to me on a sunday to give to her.
My far away sister says shell visit once a fortnight at the weekend but gets changed often and visits every 4 to 6 weeks. My mum refuses to go to day centres and things as shes always kept herself to herself.
She says often im not looking after her properly so shes going to take her to live with her, but her son has said he couldnt live with my mum full time so she changes her mind.
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