My 93 year old mother has been angry and resentful AND jealous towards me my whole adult life. Shes nasty and mean. I mean NASTY. She never told me why. She lives with my 97 year old father whom I talk to but she won't allow Me to visit him in their apt and he is submissive to her and doesn't want to upset her! He tells me he loves me but she won't let me see him. Whenever i ask him to see me he says he will, soon and he doesnt wanna upset my mom!!!! I haven't seen him in 20 years. I feel helpless. My brother is POA and he's a money grabbing arrogant prick who sides w my mom. I called the police in their neighborhood last week to do a wellness check cause mom was answering his cell phone when i called him and she hung up on me.. the police said my dad was ok. They also said my mother told them she did not know who I was!!! She's furious with me that I called the cops to do a wellness ck. My brother sent me an email that it alarmed and frightened her. He told me to cease all communication with both of them and just wait till I hear from my dad. 😥what should I do? I don't have thousands to get an expensive attorney . I'm just afraid my dad will pass and no one will tell me.....
Live your life .
Otherwise I cannot understand why an adult could not arrange to visit another adult of their choice outside their home.
Why your Dad could not come visit you at your home? Go out for lunch, meet in a local cafe?
It seems pointless to me to demonise only the mother when both parents appear to have abandonded a close relationship with you.
Honestly looking back I never should have, I should have just walked away. At the time I thought it was my father. I thought my mother was doing my father's biding. Then my father died and I started helping my mom.
Well I have figured out since it wasn't my father, my mother is a rather mean nasty person. who I put on a pedistool, and thought oh this poor women, has to put up with this mean nasty man.
So anyways now I'm in this position where I'm not sure who the bad guy was or is. Maybe I took things out on my dad ,when it really was my mom.
End all be all , it really doesn't matter who treated me very poorly and who was behind it. Looking back I should of just walked away because they are both very mentally unwell. And now I'm in this caregiving stuff for mom.
Honestly take my advice just walk away, I have a feeling your dad isn't as wonderful as you may think and your mom isn't as horrible as you may think.
They are both very emotionally unhealthy and not good for you.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you
The second wife did make it difficult to visit . After her death my DH was hoping for a better relationship with his Dad. It did not happen . I wasn’t surprised , but DH had hopes.
Your father has chosen to spend a lifetime with this woman.
I repeat. Your father has CHOSEN THIS WOMAN OVER YOU.
You have called the police.
What possible use do you imagine an attorney could be to you even if you could afford one?
You are now an adult.
It is time now to claim your own life, and to take responsibility for what your own life will be.
If 20 years of this isn't enough, there are certainly more years of it left for you to claim.
It is your choice.
It is your responsibility.
I suggest a good cognitive therapist to help you learn new ways of living and how to break old habits.
At least you talk to him and he tells you he loves you. That will have to be enough. From what you're saying here, your father chose a long time ago to let himself to become your mother's neutered lap dog.
That's not your fault and as hard as this may be to hear, it's not your brother's fault either.
You should make an attempt at some calm, adult communication with your brother because the two of you will have to work together. You'll have to put all the mutual animosity aside for your father's sake. Your mother probably has dementia if she told the cops she doesn't know who you are. If your brother has told you to hold off on communicating with either of them for while, do that because he's the guy in charge. Communicate with him because it certainly sounds to me like he may be planning to get them both placed in a care facility.
Do you have other family who can tell you what's going on? If you do, then reach out to them.
I'm so sorry you're going through this because it's sad when this happens in families.
Try reaching out to your brother though.
I’m so sorry that you haven’t been able to see your dad.
Maybe the best thing you can do is to continue to communicate with him over the phone.
I doubt that you will get anywhere with your brother. He seems to be very selfish towards you and your dad.
Your mother isn’t interested in your father having a relationship with you. How very sad.
Wishing you peace.
"He's nasty and I haven't had a relationship w him for 25 years."
"APS won't go there if my dad just bullshits them and says nothings wrong. Right?"
I think some FOG is lifting off you.
(Google F.O.G. if you are not familiar with this term). Fear of what happens to your Father, Obligation to see him, Guilt when speaking of your Mother. It's all there.
https://outofthefog.website/