what do you do when the family is in disagreement with the care of the loved one. thanksgiving and christmas is here and we are not speaking and the loneliness has set in
Dear Carolsmom, I will read Psalm 121, and will be praying for you. Thank you for the hug on my wall. I'll be contacting you later.
Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I have resolved that my abusive mother, and two dads in a nursing home will not tear the joy out of my life. I have been blessed by wonderful friends, this site, and a loving church family. I have a good steady, helpful, husband and wonderful little boy. Gettingwiser gave me some good thoughts for changing things with my Caregiving.
I am grateful for the article Carol wrote called: "Caring for Parents Who Didn't Care for You," and for the post by Gettingwiser. It would do all of us well to read that post, especially during this holiday season, as they are usually the toughest. Along with that, try to "Count Your Blessings." For all our struggles, and all the troubles we face, there are still blessings in the midst. And we can still be a blessing to others. By the grace of God, we can do amazing things...
secretsister, thank you for the encouraging words, as i found out last wed. my 30 year old son that is a captain in the army stationed near syracuse has cancer and started chemo last thursday. he was to go back to iraq in dec. for his second tour. i usually travel from texas where i live to new york every 4 months to visit with him , his wife and 3 small little boys. this has really set me back as i had planned on moving to dallas and going back to work. now i am just shattered. i am trying to take one minute at a time, pray, breath, and pray. i know that god has a plan, i am just not sure what it is for me. i do not think i can go to work and even be any kind of employee right now. i guess in caring for my mother, and my disabled brother for the last 3 years has taken a toll on me. i usually wear jeans everyday, as i live on a farm. i got dressed monday to go to dallas, and honestly my slacks were so big i had to get safety pins to keep them up. i have never been so down in my life. i have isolated myself from people for so long that i have feel like i can not even carry on a conversation. i am single and did date, but now, i dont even what to think about going anywhere. and that is just not like me, last year, i went to new york 4 times, cabo, canada, florida, deep sea fishing and now, there is nothing that seems to even make me smile. talk about burn out. i dont mean to sound negative. and yes i am going to get the wind back in my sails. i have to get better and be ready when my son and his family needs me. they have a great support system with the army that i am so thankful for. but as far as my mom, and brother, my two girls that were telling me what to do. the 24 year old, has done almost nothing to help my mom since i left, the 34 year old daughter is an RN , works, has 2 small children and trying to get pregnant and i know she has a heavy load, but they threw me out of the picture and insisted that they could handle, and i have to just step aside and let them do this. guilt has almost consumed me. i lay awake at night thinking, what could i have done to make it better for my mom, and i think the one thing is that i wanted my mom, to not be depressed, get out of that bed and just try, and she would not. i wanted it, and tried to push her and she in return hates me. my brother is an alcoholic and into drugs, i thought, yes now that he is home, can not leave i can control his drinking, guess what, he was smarter than me, he traded the groceries i bought twice a week for alcohol and drugs. so it goes girls, we will make it by the grace of god. for all of you please read psalm 121. take care. carol
Lilli, you seem far from boring to me! I immensely enjoy your posts. Carolsmom, wish you could come to Michigan and join our loving church "family" for Thanksgiving. Seriously!!! And anyone else who just needs a place and wants to feel loved... Heidi, would love to adopt you, because I understand and am "out" a sibling, too. Imw124, hopefully your sister appreciates you. Bless you ladies! Thanks for being here.
I lost both parents within 9 months of each other right after Christmas. i have one brother and we always promised that we would be close when we lost them. Haha He has everything from their home and although I have half ownership in their house, his daughter my niece lives there. I call and email and he always has excuses why we cant connect. We are all we have for family and I now refuse to beg him to be my brother. Sad and Im sure Mom and Dad are hurting watching this play out. So family dynamics can be wonderful and so painful too. Good Luck and Happy Holidays from all of us!!! HUGS
I always try to stay busy with something, if I am not up doing something then I start to feel sorry for myself and get all tied up in knots. I have lots to keep me busy here at my sister's, still have boxes to go through and upack and my sister isn't a very good housekeeper, so I try to at least try to keep the kitchen clean and help with her laundry.
I have observed older members of my family (all women) who have cared for their aging parents. There are always a multitude of "voices" telling you what not to do, not to put your parent in a "home," etc. My response to them is, "sounds good, why don't you come and get Mom and let her stay with you for a few months." Really!! where do people get off telling you what to do when you are the only person who will take on the responsibility?
The saddest thing about caregiving (and is still a shock to me) is that people "scatter." Friends cannot handle news of the "daily grind" and relatives pick fights so they can have an excuse to stay away. It does, however, reveal a person's "true colors."
It seems that on every holiday Mom has a medical emergency. Last Thanksgiving Mom was in the hospital...I had dinner at Boston Market! Her timing is impeccable.
Imw: I agree...I keep promising myself to get more involved in something other than caregiving...just to recharge myself. Some days I do not recognize myself...I have become so sad and boring :o(
Here's one suggestion...and don't laugh... I take a little advice from the movie "Pollyanna"...where she talks about the "happy game." Everyday I try to think of one small thing that I am looking forward to. It may be taking time to read some silly magazine, calling a friend, or making a new dish...whatever...some days it is all that I've got. take care lilli
I can sympathize with you. Had to move my mom into a nursing home last month after taking care of her for five years and mom and my sister are not speaking to each other, and no invitation from my sister to have mom over for Thanksgiving or Christmas. When I do go visit her at the nursing home all I get are guilt trips and trying to get me to let her out of the nursing home and try to get me to take sides. Maybe what would help would be to get out and do some volunteering, get more involved with church activities. I haven't had much of a social life for the past five years and pick up some of the hobbies that I have let go.
Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I have resolved that my abusive mother, and two dads in a nursing home will not tear the joy out of my life. I have been blessed by wonderful friends, this site, and a loving church family. I have a good steady, helpful, husband and wonderful little boy. Gettingwiser gave me some good thoughts for changing things with my Caregiving.
I am grateful for the article Carol wrote called: "Caring for Parents Who Didn't Care for You," and for the post by Gettingwiser. It would do all of us well to read that post, especially during this holiday season, as they are usually the toughest. Along with that, try to "Count Your Blessings." For all our struggles, and all the troubles we face, there are still blessings in the midst. And we can still be a blessing to others. By the grace of God, we can do amazing things...
thank you for the encouraging words, as i found out last wed. my 30 year old son that is a captain in the army stationed near syracuse has cancer and started chemo last thursday. he was to go back to iraq in dec. for his second tour. i usually travel from texas where i live to new york every 4 months to visit with him , his wife and 3 small little boys. this has really set me back as i had planned on moving to dallas and going back to work. now i am just shattered. i am trying to take one minute at a time, pray, breath, and pray. i know that god has a plan, i am just not sure what it is for me. i do not think i can go to work and even be any kind of employee right now. i guess in caring for my mother, and my disabled brother for the last 3 years has taken a toll on me. i usually wear jeans everyday, as i live on a farm. i got dressed monday to go to dallas, and honestly my slacks were so big i had to get safety pins to keep them up. i have never been so down in my life. i have isolated myself from people for so long that i have feel like i can not even carry on a conversation. i am single and did date, but now, i dont even what to think about going anywhere. and that is just not like me, last year, i went to new york 4 times, cabo, canada, florida, deep sea fishing and now, there is nothing that seems to even make me smile. talk about burn out. i dont mean to sound negative. and yes i am going to get the wind back in my sails. i have to get better and be ready when my son and his family needs me. they have a great support system with the army that i am so thankful for. but as far as my mom, and brother, my two girls that were telling me what to do. the 24 year old, has done almost nothing to help my mom since i left, the 34 year old daughter is an RN , works, has 2 small children and trying to get pregnant and i know she has a heavy load, but they threw me out of the picture and insisted that they could handle, and i have to just step aside and let them do this. guilt has almost consumed me. i lay awake at night thinking, what could i have done to make it better for my mom, and i think the one thing is that i wanted my mom, to not be depressed, get out of that bed and just try, and she would not. i wanted it, and tried to push her and she in return hates me. my brother is an alcoholic and into drugs, i thought, yes now that he is home, can not leave i can control his drinking, guess what, he was smarter than me, he traded the groceries i bought twice a week for alcohol and drugs. so it goes girls, we will make it by the grace of god. for all of you please read psalm 121. take care. carol
The saddest thing about caregiving (and is still a shock to me) is that people "scatter." Friends cannot handle news of the "daily grind" and relatives pick fights so they can have an excuse to stay away. It does, however, reveal a person's "true colors."
It seems that on every holiday Mom has a medical emergency. Last Thanksgiving Mom was in the hospital...I had dinner at Boston Market! Her timing is impeccable.
Imw: I agree...I keep promising myself to get more involved in something other than caregiving...just to recharge myself. Some days I do not recognize myself...I have become so sad and boring :o(
Here's one suggestion...and don't laugh... I take a little advice from the movie "Pollyanna"...where she talks about the "happy game." Everyday I try to think of one small thing that I am looking forward to. It may be taking time to read some silly magazine, calling a friend, or making a new dish...whatever...some days it is all that I've got.
take care
lilli