Now she fell in the bathroom, broke her arm bone. I called the A&E cared for her afterwards -now I get this accusation. Please could you help.

Paranoia over losing money, lost money, fear of losing money and our "stuff" is very typical of aging dementia. This accusation, I assume, comes from your mother. Simply tell her that you did not do it. Likely this will pass, but may reoccur. She may be descending into a condition in which you will no longer be able to care for her. Sorry for this problem, but you are not alone. An new post recently was written in "Discussions" below the questions threads about how typical accusations of theft are; you may want to comment on it.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Aren't hallucinations part of dementia or Alzheimer's? UTI's can also cause hallucinations. I know my MIL who had dementia always thinks my BIL or the people at the facility steal her things. What we have read is that isn't doesn't help to argue with them, it will just go in circles and makes her really upset. You have to try and not take it personally because it's just their brain's way of trying to figure out their confusing environment. Talk to her in a smooth and calming manner, if she is open to touch, gently touch her arm or hand. If the TV or radio is on turn the volume down before talking to her, the noise makes it hard for her to process information.

This site has tons of great articles on dealing with difficult parents due to dementia/Alzheimer's.
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Reply to Lakergirl

Often times people with dementia or Alzheimer's get paranoid, and accuse their loved ones of stealing from them. Has your mom been diagnosed with any type of mental decline? If not, you may need to get her evaluated for that. Also a UTI can cause a lot of confusion in a person, so might need to rule that out as well. Best wishes.
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Reply to funkygrandma59

You haven't given much detail for us to understand your situation. However, I have known of this behavior in other very old persons. This may not be so much about you as it is about what your mother fears. I knew several women in their 90's whose minds were slowing down who developed fears that various people were stealing their money. In each case the person accused was extremely unlikely to steal from anyone--honest people with enough of their own that it would make no sense for them to steal. There was never anything missing, either. However, in each case the woman making the accusation had worked hard to make a little money, save some of it, and made sacrifices to hold on to their savings.

As we grow older we become more aware of our vulnerability and we also feel more at risk. There is no point in trying to be logical here, at least not with your mum. You can try to reassure her that her money is just where she put it, but she probably won't listen if this is about her fears.

Do make sure that her accounts are safeguarded and that she has a safe place to store her purse. It will not make much difference to her if she is really worried about the safety of her savings, but document things well so that if someone else begins to take her seriously you will be prepared. It might be a good idea to transfer her financial management to someone else so that you can honestly say that you have no access to her funds. Otherwise, you might keep a ledger of all her income and expenses, with copies of bank statements and invoices (which you should do anyway). Document purchases you make for her by using her credit card and keeping both the receipt and the card statement. It only takes a moment to attach the receipt to the ledger and make a note: "birthday cards Mom wanted to send to friends" or "monthly trip to pharmacy for personal hygiene items"

If a case worker asks about the supposedly missing funds, offer to show the books. Remember that sometimes children DO steal from their parents and it is the duty of the case workers to look into accusations.

Try to both protect yourself but not get too wrapped up in her drama. Unfortunately, it will probably get worse. The hardest thing in caring for an elder is constantly changing your perspective. This is not the strong woman you knew when you were a teenager, this is a vulnerable old person who may be acting out her fears.
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Reply to LittleOrchid

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