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Hello! I have found this site to be a tremendous source of help, it’s really appreciated! Here’s my situation.. My elderly dad is staying with me for a while. He has his own place out of town.
He is in grief, my mom died a year ago. He came in late November. My place was only a temporary measure, for him to get organized and to have company for a while. However, he seems to think that staying here long term is an option for him. He says that he really doesn’t know what he wants. This is true, as sometimes he says that he can’t wait to return to his home. Other times, it seems that he’d be content to stay at my place indefinitely. That’d be hard on me, as I’m single. Also, he only knows me in this area. He’s got more of a support system back home. I don’t want to be unreasonable with him. However, I did come up with a date which I’d like him to leave. I lied and said that I’ll be working more this Summer, and I’d like him to leave in early June. Also, he’s talked to me disrespectfully at least twice. I told him that as my guest, he’s got to speak with me respectfully. He did apologize both times. I told him that f I feel that he’s not being respectful, I will have to have him go home sooner.

Also, I’m a bit frustrated that he keeps seeing my place as an option for a longer stay, when I’ve been clear that it’s temporary. I feel that he’s not good with boundaries, and almost feel like he’s taking advantage of my kindness.

Am I out of line?

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Heck no, you are not out of line. He is pushing to see how far he can get. Stand your ground and have him move back closer to other relatives. Other wise, he will continue to take advantage of you. Love,
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Your Dad is lonely, alone and a bit afraid of what lies in front of him without your Mom by his side. A lot of people are that way. I hope I will not be, but I can see that I would rather be with family and someone I love than to be alone.

You don't say how old your Dad is but maybe he needs some assistance getting back home and someone to show him all the places and people he could hang out with back there.

I do not think you are terrible, if your Dad is young enough and in fairly good health he needs to get back to life and allow you to get back to yours. If you know anyone back where he lives that you could talk to and get their help with talking to Dad.....like "Jim, I can't wait to see you, lets go fishing when you get here!"

In years past I might have thought you horrible for this, but let me tell you after 8 years of doing this (really 17) I no longer think anyone is terrible for wanting their own lives back, so do I!!!!!!
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I agree Kathleen, I would think you, mags , would want him to feel comfortable and safe with you until he is ready ,if ever, he's your Dad. I feel bad he had to apologize and is considered a guest, not your Dad? Poor guy is old, lonely and grieving, please be kind and not disipline him like he is your child. What would you want if you were in his shoes, thats what you should do. Who is it really better for if he moves out, him or you? Maybe he could add onto your house to give you distance. I am not trying to be mean, I empathize with parents very deeply. I know my parent would never turn me away if it were reversed. Good luck
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That is if you are totally against living with him. Although if I could go back & do this all over again. As a single woman I would have brought him here to live with me earlier or gone to live with him rather than waiting until he declined enough to make it impossible. I would definitely find some activities for you both to go out to & enjoy together while he is still in your home. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised how nice it is to have company at the activity.
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He has lost his wife. He is lonely. It is possible he doesn't need any assistance but misses his wife & you are his daughter. You are company. A facility is not always necessary just because someone is lonely & not enjoying living alone. Just because someone has a social circle doesn't mean they don't miss living with a beloved. He may do better if he were living with someone but not because he needs asst. but because he is bored or lonely. I don't know his age or health but I would think there might be women out there that could be a friend or a girlfriend to him & maybe even move in. It happens. Are there any senior recreation centers near you that have dances or concerts or anything beyond shooting pool. Take him to something like that, stay with him at the activity like his wife would have & see how he socializes. Of course I don't know how far he lives from you. But I would not be looking for a facility. I hate that people are put in those places too early or unnecessarily. I would start calling the local area near his home & ascertaining where senior activities or play/rec centers are for over 50 to meet each other. Could you go home with him to his home for a long enuf visit to introduce him to where these places are & attend along with him so he isn't attending solo at first & ingrain him into community life there. It will be hard at first but you might spark an interest somewhere for him. Just knowing he had friends there when he was married doesn't do much now since alot of those friendships may have disintegrated since the wife died. I know it goes that way sometimes. You just need to find him a life there. And visiting more often there may be better. I would find him a friend.
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One thing I hear often advised to people who have had recent loss, is not to make major decisions during the grieving period. It has been very kind of you to take in your father. Giving your dad a move-back time is setting a boundary but i would do it at time when he starts talking about going back to his home. Since he has been with you all this time, he will really feel alone when he returns. Not sure how far his home is away from you, but is it possible to set up a weekly visit with him for a little while during this new adjustment period? Contact all the other people in his support system you mention and see if they are willing to help him ease back to his home. The more he is able to get involved in things at home, the more successful this transition will be.
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No, you are not out of line. On the contrary, if anything I would say you need to be a little clearer.

"Early June" is the kind of deadline which is prone to slippage. Better would be to start looking at options for your father to return to his familiar neighbourhood and create an actual, date-related timetable.

You will have given him six months' bereavement rehabilitation. That's plenty. For a further six months or so after that, continue to communicate with him regularly so that you can keep tabs on his progress as he settles back in at home, and form good links with his friends, neighbours, doctors and so on so that you have a network to call on for help in supporting him.

Listen: you are NOT being unkind or unreasonable. You have your own life; your father has his own life; this is a good thing for both of you. You're not deserting him, you haven't let him down - you're doing nothing wrong in wanting normality to return.
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Absolutely you are not out of line. I would send him out of the nest even sooner. People who do not get that nudge sooner will find a way to wait until later. Get your life back, ask him to leave and give him an actual date (i.e. April 15, 2014). That way there are no surprises, you both know the date, and he can make arrangements (plane, bus, etc.). He's afraid, but you have to help him by getting him back into his life without your mom.
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Based on what you say, the visit seems to have gone sour already. Why wait longer to get your life back and thereby empower him to live his?

We're conditioned to defer to the wishes of our parents. But in this case, just passively drifting along seems to create discomfort for both of you.

Unless he is suicidal or mentally incompetent, it's not your problem where he goes next. And at this point it may be best to LOVINGLY tell him he needs to relocate now. Otherwise, it’s possible you could jeopardize your long-term relationship with your father.

When he gets where he’s going, a grief support group might be a big help to him.

Good luck and God bless.
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Get him into counseling back home, then he can use his friends as well as the counselor to adjust. It may be difficult, but you must take care of yourself foremost.
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Perhaps now is the time to sit down and talk to him about options for his future happiness and living arrangements. Make sure you get legal paperwork complete and if possible go back for a couple of weeks with him to research options for some home-help for home, assisted living facilities, retirement communities, etc. Just let him know that you will help him transition into his next phase of living.
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It maybe that his home, shared with his wife, is full of memories and he's afraid. Would it be possible to have his home repainted, furniture rearranged and so on before he returns?
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If he can afford to the lifestyle, take him to look at a few independent senior communities near you. If he's far out of town and he is declining, you'll save yourself a lot of work and worry down the line if you move him closer now. Living in a community would also give him a social life even though he doesn't know anyone else in your area. He'll make fast friends when living with a lot of people his own age.
Since he can move back home and there's a date set for it, that will take the pressure off of having a look. Call ahead of time and arrange for him to meet a resident at each community.
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Maybe if you assure him that you will call every day and/or come and check in on him every fews days, he would feel better about going back to his own home. He may be be a little apprehensive about being all by himself for the first time since his wife's death.
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My first thought is that he is realizing that he needs help and probably cannot live alone but, refuses to say those words aloud. Sometimes elders know they need help but are too proud to ever admit it. So, he is testing the water to see how you respond. Perhaps when you send him home, be sure he has someone to come by every day to assist him. Even if you have to pay them. If he knows he won't be "alone" every day and if he falls, someone will find him, the transition home may happen sooner than later. All elders want to be in their own homes, but, that is not always the safest for them. I think he may be realizing that. Good Luck.
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You must make it very, very clear to your dad that he will be returning home on the date you agreed upon. Leave no room for him to consider your home as his permanent residence. However, the longer he stays the more settled in he's gong to become so take that into consideration too.

If he's already getting a little too comfortable you might want to move the date of his departure up. You're on a slipper slope here, one wrong move and you're going to have your dad living with you. Be careful.
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