How much is fair to ask my father-in-law to pay to live with us and have me be his caretaker?

If he has some assets, you could check the hourly wage at an in-home care agency and use that as a guide. Also, you can document the increases in heat, water and food. Then you could write up a contract. However, since he has applied for Aid and Attendance, you must be very careful not to do anything to derail that. I'd suggest one session with an elder law attorney to make sure there are no mistakes you'll later regret.
Good luck,
Carol

Reba is a mean person, pay no attention to her. Some people on here are self righteous martyrs. The cost of putting your FIL in a home is $4000 to over $10,000 depending on his condition. In home care is $20 an hour. Does your FIL receive SSI or some other income? I would use that to pay yourselves. An attorney will charge about $1000 to draw up an agreement. I am understand your situation, my husband & I care for my 88 yr old dad who had a stroke & suffers from Alzheimer's. Just because you need $$ to care for your FIL doesn't mean you don't love him. Good luck.

You are extremely kind and generous to take in your father in law. You absolutely should be able to get paid for taking care of him. You have given up your masterbedroom and your job; you need to be compensated. I agree with everything luvmydad said. It is difficult enough without having to struggle financially.

Many of us have been in the same situation and the heating and the food bills most definitely do increase. Take care and bless you for all you are doing.

And most importantly, just ignore any posts on here that are not supportive; unfortunately, some just aren't and cannot be understanding of another's plight.

First let me set the record straight he is not my father he is my estranged father in law, He was brought into our lives due to his illness and no one would take him in but us not really our choice. His boys raised thereselves at the age of 14 when he left them to continue his life else where. So we are doing this out of the kindness of our hearts. we have 3 young children and are struggling because now I cant work so I can stay home with my fnl. Thank you luvmvdad its nice to know there are people that will understand my situation.

Reba, That was very generous of you to take in two people for several months. It can certainly put a strain on the household to have extra adults there, in addition to having a financial impact. Your financial generosity no doubt did your brother-in-law and his wife a lot of good. When the 8 months were up and they went on to the next step in their lives, it was great that they were not overly burdened by what their room and board and care had cost them. What a wonderful and generous gift to them.

And now you are taking care of your husband. That is the boat I am in. Financially it is not remotely like taking care of a parent.

Sstirlings5's situation is not at all comparable to taking in your BIL and his wife for 8 months. This wll go on indefinitely, until the FIL dies or is too incapacitated to live at home. It could be years. And saving him money at this time will not make his future brighter. What is his money for, if not for taking care of himself in his old age? That is now! Sometimes selfish non-caregiving siblings want to force the caregiving child to do it without compensation so their inheritance will be larger. Personally, I don't think sstirlings5 and her husband should make financial sacrifices in order for there to be a bigger estate to inherit, do you?

Reba, I don't see anything at all in the original post to suggest SS is in this for the money. And how you can see into her heart and conclude she knows what is fair is beyond me. So if she knows what is fair, she is posting this question for ... ???

You did a generous thing taking care of your relatives for a few months "at cost." You are now under a lot of strain taking care of your husband. I hope you are a generous, compassionate person. Setting yourself above others by saying "Don't think I am like you" doesn't go over well here.

Wow, Reba. I see you lost your husband very recently, so maybe this is grief talking. But you are not coming off as generous or helpful. People have different situations, and you have to believe that, if you think we are mis-reading your posts, it must be possible that you are misreading the original post here. This poor woman took in a man no one else would, who was not a great father to her husband, who is demanding and ungenerous, and it's costing them a bunch of money on top of everything else. She asked a fair question, and she deserved a kind answer -- not an answer that was about you making yourself feel better about the choices you made. We all need to be kinder to each other -- this job is hard enough as it is -- and meet people where they are. Too many people judge others here not by the facts, but by what they themselves have done or believe, and don't realize that every situation is different, that the same standards flat out don't apply to every situation, and that helping each over matters more than making ourselves feel righteous about the way we approached things differently.
ANd for the original questioner: I now take my Dad's ATM card and buy the special grocery items he likes with that card. Every third bag of dog food, he buys. Half the detergent goes on his card because his laundry is more than half of what we gets done... He had expenses before that were so much greater than what he has now. Our heat bill, too, has doubled. I like the idea of getting a consult with an elder care attorney to figure out what can be done to share the burden of him WITH him, without jeopardizing the VA program benefits. Good luck to all of you.

Reba, you don't understand at all and it is insulting of you to infer that someone is "in it to make some money" when they were honestly looking to this board for support. It's unfortunate that you are so bitter, and even more unfortunate that you post your negativity here.

Everyone who posts on this site deserves support and caring; they are not looking for your personal opinions or assumptions. God knows what is in everyone's heart, not you.

Reba, I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. But I have no more doubts. I don't know why you are so defensive and willing to assume the worst of others, but I'll just remember to skip your comments from now on. I hope the others who are annoyed by your unhelpful attitude can do the same, and not drop out of AgingCare altogether.

My sincere condolences on the death of your husband.

Not sure I have an answer, but I feel like I am in the same boat as you Ssterlings5. I have taken in my mother whom no one wants to take in because she is manipulative. She has been as mean as a snake all of my life. I have my 2 children in the same room while my mom lives in our 3rd room. We have seen all the bills go up, experienced requests for special items at the grocery store, not to mention all the time spent cooking, laundry, and dealing with her mean attitude. I also gave up a job to help her. We are living off one very sad salary. I can not speak logic to her in regards to her expenses, so I am having the social worker talk with her about why I am going to start asking for money from her, and it will not include her groceries. I expect a fight. Thank you for posting. The comments have helped me.

ok ok enough of all the negativity, Yes I visit this place for some answers and if I take it great and if not then I don't. I will start by saying Thank you everyone for all your support. I have taken care of my mother until she died with out even asking for a penny, Now its different I have my FNL who I never met before, my husband and brother were estrange at the age of 14 sure they talked to there dad here and there but nothing more and to no fault of there's. My husband checked on him in Dec 2011 and wham he go's into the hospital and a week later get's released to his home where I would go and take care of him, His Nurse had noticed some things going on and called his doctor and told us he go's to a nursing home or family. So Me (this money hungry person) said "No" my FNL (a stranger to me) will come live with us. We have made several sacrafices and yes now my bills have doubled weather you believe it or not I don't care I have my bills. It's different unlike with my mom I now have a mortgage payment , children and other bills of life. I quit my job to stay home and care for my FNL because he can't be left alone so now we are feeling the crunch of a loss of income and gain in bills. I don't get paid to do this. So Reba did u quit your job or lose your income to do this for your family??? I hold no hard feelings but really if I was in a position were I had unlimited cash it wouldn't even be a question. We did however fix the thermostat so dad can't turn up the heater anymore. We are starting to consider putting him in assisted living because he is getting mean with me and it is become a stressful situation in my home and my children are feeling it aswell. I feel for your loss Reba and pray that your heart heals.