My 90 y.o. f-i-l drank heavily for years and is broke. When asked why he didn't have a plan, he said he "just assumed" we would take him in. Now, he has limited mobility due to the impact of alcohol on his brain and is going blind. My wife insists on caring for him in our home (and he IS in our home now) because she "can't just put him in a home." Years ago, he considered taking a reverse mortgage. I told him not to. Well, he did, and, surprise, spent everything and lost what equity he had in a nice house.
I have told her he is selfish and this is not the life we are supposed to be living. I am at my wits ends. I agree living in a less then stellar care home due to his lack of resources is sad and depressing, but that result is not my doing. It is his failure to plan for the future.
What would should I do?
A first step after that would be for you to absence yourself from your home, such as a long pleasure trip by yourself, a visit to far-flung family, a church mission, a fishing or hunting trip, or find yourself a new place to live. The point is to remove yourself so that she understands (1) that you mean business, and (2) FIL is her little red wagon to pull, and you intend to live your life to the fullest, even if that means without her.
This is worth fighting for. Caring for an in-law who has caused his own serious illness by practicing bad health habits all his life is unfair to you and your marriage. I've seen Wernicke-Korsakoff up close and personal, and it's likely that FIL has it. The trajectory of the disease - which is self-inflicted - is not pretty. Alcoholism is slow suicide, but you don't have to pick up the pieces.
Good luck in doing what you need to do.
You never made clear to FIL OR WIFE that you had ZERO intention of taking FIL into your home. That was your first mistake.
Your SECOND mistake was taking FIL into your home.
Your problems now are of YOUR making, not theirs.
It is time to start your new "honesty" with sitting wife down. You will say:
"Honey, your Dad made some poor decisions for his life, and it has left him ill and helpless. Against my better judgement I allowed him to move into our home because I love you. It isn't working. It is time now that your Dad find living arrangements outside our home; we will need to unite in this decision. When someone living in a marital home isn't working for one member of a marriage, then it cannot continue."
Next step? It is in your wife's court.
She will be choosing whether to live and care for her Dad, or keep her marriage.
Make it clear you will assist with Medicaid and with helping Dad get guardianship of the state if he needs it for his well being.
Good luck to you.
These are hard choices. You may be making a life on your own without your beloved if she chooses her father over you. But you have NO CONTROL OVER THAT.
What you can do is figure out how to get him assessed for needing LTC or find a facility that will take him in based on this need. Then apply for Medicaid for him. Medicaid plus his SS will 100% cover LTC in a facility, as long as that facility provides beds for this.
Your wife, if she hasn't already been, needs to attend an Al Anon meeting to understand what enabling and enmeshment is when dealing with a life-long alcoholic parent. You don't need to participate in this dysfunction. But maybe you'd benefit from the meetings as well.
No one is responsible for FIL's happiness other than himself. This is the plan he made so he should be allowed to live it in its fullest.
Maybe plan a week away with family or friends so she understands that this is her situation to deal with on her own if she insists on continuing. You are not trying to punish her, but you are trying to get the point across that you did not agree to any of this and therefore will not be participating. It was unfair of her to make this life changing decision without considering how it affected you.
So he is 90 which, not excusing his faults, could land him in the same situation w/o having ever drank. Obesity, inactivity, dehydration, UTI’s, kidney or prostate disease, hypertension, cancer, diabetes, etc can all lead to a lousy old age.
Does he have an actual diagnosis? Is he needing personal care or just a roof over his head? Is he getting physical therapy for his mobility issues? Was your wife already caring for him in his home before the eviction?
Does your wife seem to understand the trajectory of his condition and the toll it will take not only on her but your marriage and your lives?
A therapist might be helpful here for the two of you to talk this out with an unbiased third party. You sound sympathetic to your wife and he is already in your home so you seem willing to work on a solution. You have more objectivity as it isn’t your father.
The condition of being 90 can lead to incontinence especially with immobility. That and uncontrolled emotional issues (anger, violence) are what usually cause many to change their minds about in-home care. You will be pulled into it if only to call the fire department to get him off the floor etc. or cancel plans because he can’t be left alone.
If boundaries aren’t set by your wife on how much she waits on him, the transition to care will be even harder for him. She may take him a tray, as an example, thinking she is sparing you having to eat with him. That’s okay but limits his time maintaining what mobility he has. She needs support and guidance w/o feeling like she’s just asking for a scolding.
Does your wife have a care contract? Is there a rental agreement? Is he receiving social security and/or a pension? Would he even qualify for long term care through Medicaid? One has to be physically needy as well as financially in need. Each states rules are different so this is very important to understand. There are ways to work around excess income.
I would personally want to see a certified elder care attorney and find out what liabilities you have and options he has. What happens to him if something happens to wife etc. And make sure his income is spent in a way not questioned by Medicaid when he is placed. Your wife needs his DPOA and other legal documents. This is all on his nickel and can be expensive. But an hour with the right professional can help you guide the process.
Your FIL had a life, a child who loves him, had a nice home that financed him until age 90. Many have not managed as well.
SS actuarial table shows at 90, men should plan on less than 5 years.
16% of men reach 90 in US one study showed.
Those who drink a few glasses of wine daily are more likely to reach 90 than those who don’t, another study showed.
1) I would get legal advice,
2) therapy to see how long my relationship can manage this change, work on boundaries and and an agreement for placement at a specific time,
3) and practice the serenity prayer.
Keep in touch.
Rusty,
‘Thanks for the update. I saw it after I posted. Thanks for the additional information. It always helps. Oh and the B12 is recommended.
You know what they say about making assumptions.
Your FIL's failure to plan or make good life decisions is not his daughter's problem to fix. And living in a care home is not necessarily sad and depressing. Take your wife to go tour a few care homes - an admissions director will gladly meet with you and answer questions. Find one where he will receive care, food, and socialization. Some look bright and cheery, have windows with a decent view, have an activities director who encourage residents to participate in social activities. Don't dismiss this as a suitable option for him.
If your wife is really struggling with guilt, it would be helpful for her to meet with a therapist to sort out her emotions and have a little more clarity.
By they way - it won't hurt to have a very clear, direct conversation with your wife to express your disagreement, and let her know you fear the impact it could have on your marriage and home life. Better to express clearly and have a conversation in which both of you express your thoughts and listen. Do not make the mistake of quietly allowing anger or resentment to fester, making comments under your breath, or making every day a fight. That will take a toll on both of you.
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