How can you explain to an adult, that their father needs to be moved to a nursing home because he cannot be cared for at home any longer?

They need to be educated in the facts and made to understand that it isn't their "failure," but it's the disease process, and that most people get to a place where a very fragile elder - especially one with dementia - needs more care than one person can give. The main thing is to keep assuring the person that it's not failure to get help. In many cases it's the right, most safe thing to do for the elder. Stress that they still will be a caregiver and an important part of the team.

Good luck with this. You are smart and experienced. Keep us posted.
Carol

I would first question the intent of the son or daughter who wanted to put his aging father in a nursing home because he cannot care for him at home any longer.

Nursing homes ( and I know this from experience) are not very pleasant living quarters. The staff is at best minimalist in care , although they look "busy".
The real reason you would want your father in a nursing home is to relieve you of the burden of care. One of the most important facts that is rarely discussed is the fact that an average "stay" in a nursing home is eighteen months. What do you thinki happens after that? It's usually hospice/and or death. If you love your parent and you want them around with you, I would try to find any and all help that you can to keep your father at home in the safety and loving envirronment of your own home surrounded by loved ones.

N1K2R3,
Carol is right. We don't judge. Some people have the grace to care for others, some can't physically continue to care, and there are those who simply know their limitations and don't have their loved ones in their homes. There are many good facilities. Would we all want to stay at home, sure. But sometimes it isn't possible. My mother in law needed constant care, her daughter had to work, and after 10 years in AL, had to go to a nursing home . They took good care of her and she died in her sleep. My mom is with me, but I know to never say never. There may come a time when she needs to go to a nursing home and get the care she might need. Don't make the promise of never sending your loved one to a home. It may not be a promise that you can keep. God Bless.
Linda

Hi Austin,

I guess I would start off by asking them to read all of the posts on Agingcare.com before attempting to explain. Even then, unless they are actively participating in the physical and emotional parts of careging, they may not understand no matter how much you try to explain as long as it is abstract and they have not "been there - done that". So I would also offer to have them drop everything they are doing for a week, and swap lives with the caregiver.

That said, if they do not understand after you have given them many reasons one day they will find out first hand themselves. Remember when they were little & you said wait till you have kids?

Hang in there and take care - don't be bullied. You have handled so much as a caregiver that you deserve respect for your opinion. So if the understanding isn't there ask them to read everything on this site & keep on truckin'

For some reason my long post did not go through-I have decided that I can no longer be his main caregiver-my husband and can not afford privete help- I may have to spend down it is a slow process and have a appointment with social services and have an elder lawyer and the social worker is helping -it is my son who does not agree with my decsion even though a few weeks ago he had asked me if his Dad had to be placed would I move him closer to our homes and I do plan on that after all is said and done-I can not do it now because the social worker has spent so much time and energy helping us and was very kind to me when I lost it last week and got a lot of info for me- once he is on medicaide then I will try to get him in the one he use to go to plus my husband has caused some problems and the social worker has had to talk to him and the staff a lot-I will not get involved in his problems because he has trouble with the truth but I am going over with our grandaughter on Sun and take a cake for Fathers Day and once things are settled I will make sure he gets good care and make things as good for him as possible.

Dear Austin, You have done so much it's not fair that you have to even explain this all, really. I would be honest... that's it. God Bless you

My mother can do nothing for herself. My husband and I, two caregivers that work 50 hours a week, are the only people to take care of her. She refuses to live with us. She wants to stay home. She cannot walk, needs help to move from bed to lift chair, she is bathed, diaper changed, dressed, and food carried to her bed. We give her medicine which half the time she hides if we don't watch her closely. She has moderate to severe Alzhiemers, no short term memory, some past memory. She is agitated by any small change and still wants to issue orders though not sensible. We are exhausted and when her money runs out we don't know what we will do. She called the sheriff's department to keep us from bringing her across the road to our house. She has NO memory of doing that. We have no life, retired and can barely make our doctors appointments. We rotate every day.

Lastdaughter-she is killing the two of you-my MIL was that way and I kept harping on the husband until he took her to her doc then she went into the hospital and then into a nursing home she did have some money which she had to pay down then the N.H. got all the info that I am going crazy getting with no problem-you are not responsible for her expenses get her doc to have her in his or her office by herself for 5 min and tell him she lives alone and if he wants her to go home he has to put it in writing that she can take care of herself or get her admitted and let the social workers deal with and she will br placed since she has no assests it will be done before you can turn around. Do you know 60% of caregivers die before their charges do if you two become disabled she will be placrd so fast and they will get the paperwork done real fast because they want to be paid their $400.00 dollars a day. She can not be allowed to dictate to others she knows what she is doing-I would tell my husband her care in up to him totally and see how fast he changes him mind. I and my grandaughter went to see the husband and I had to feed him his cake and he started his spells acting unresponsive again and I just waited then he yelled I want more cake if the nurses had seen it he would have been on his way to the hospital again, I knew it was mostly an act now I know I can not take him home. You must get her behaivor stopped or she will kill you both. If she can find the phone number of the sheriff she can understand that she can not stay home=let her use her money for her care that is what it is for-the rainy day is here. It is so different with a spouse-medicaide is draining me dry then he asked me to take his watch to a jewler to get a new expansion band for his watch-right I am eating baked beans and he is getting a $100 watch band that is not going to happen. Please do not take this ---- another day it is unexceptable and this is from someone who has been done that