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I just moved my mom into an assisted care facility this week and she's having problems understanding "how did I get here?" "What did I do to get myself in this position in my life?" I've tried to explain to her that it's not her fault-there was nothing that she did wrong that caused her to have dementia but I still don't feel like it's soothing her at all. If I stop trying to explain dementia to her, how do I soothe her when she's despairing about how she got to be in this position of needing care?

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CTTN55,

you ask if my mom is showboating. I frankly can't tell. She has never been diagnosed with any form of dementia. She may just be playing me with her "forgetting" and her "confusion". She seems to be able to function in her everyday tasks at home. I mean her house is not as clean as it used to be (which was immaculate) but she isn't putting garbage in her toilet or leaving the house in her underwear. I laughed so hard at the "load 'o crazy" comment. I wish my mom would show them some of her "load 'o crazy", then maybe they would give her some tests or something. NONE OF HER DOCTORS ARE THE LEAST BIT HELPFUL! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT. I really don't think they care unless they are getting paid for it. My MIL has a great primary care who told her 10 years ago she should start to look at assisted living. He said it would be better to choose one herself and settle in while she could still get around. Of course, she didn't listen and eventually ended up in AL due to a stroke and falls. But she was so much more compliant when that time came and even now says she knows she needs AL. My mother will fight to the end. I don't think she'll ever be happy. She thrives on crisis and unhappiness. It is her defining characteristic.
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When my mom asks why she is there (memory care facility), I tell her that she wasn't able to bathe easily anymore and that the "helpers" are there to assist her. I tell her how nice it is to have someone cook for her, clean her room and help her to shower and fixing her hair. She seems content with that answer. If she tell me that she could do it all herself, I say that they help her for "safety" issues (falling when bathing, etc.). She'll agree with that.
Ayuda, have your husband's doctor refer him to a geriatric neurologist. They can assess your husband's level of dementia and advise you what would be best for him. It sounds like you are exhausted and need a break. While you are waiting for the neurologist appointment, have you looked into adult daycare? Contact the senior center in your city and ask if there are any local day care places for people with dementia. At least you could get a break during the day. Dios te bendiga.
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In some ways, Momsgoto, I think my 90 y/o mother is your mother's twin! (So that makes us cousins!)

I wonder why doctors don't question things a little more. I guess they don't care; what they see is what they get. Does your mother showtime/showboat (love those terms)? About a year ago my mother's new doctor (supposedly a geriatrician) gave me mother the very quick mental status test. My mother missed one of the four questions, but at the time the doctor said nothing. That doctor has now moved on, and my mother is presently without a doctor (the new was supposed to be there in October or November; no sign of her yet!). My mother's next regular dr. appointment is in mid-February, so I suppose someone will be there by then.

She is going to give them a load o'crazy. I'm just going to sit there and let them deal with it. I wonder if they will suggest that something might be amiss?
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Whenever I ask my mother's doctor's they tell me no. They say she seems fine in the office and they don't see any signs of dementia. The only thing I'm left to believe then is that my mother is just playing me for a fool. She pretends to be helpless so I will bow down to her. This is so hurtful but in the back of my mind I still suspect that she may have the beginnings of dementia. She has a history o manipulation and control issues. It is complicating the diagnosis. But none of her medical doctors have been helpful. not at all.
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I talk to his doctor also I call VA help but no. answer yet. No help at all
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Ayuda,
It sounds like you are overwhelmed. And understandably so. Caregiving 24/7 is very exhausting. I'd seek out respite help immediately. Maybe, you need time to rest and to consider your options. After you are rested, perhaps you'll feel better and more up to looking at places and considering what services there are available.

I might consider having your husband assessed to see what level of care he needs and then look at what is available. Have you discussed it with his doctor? Is there anyone who can help you with this?
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How do I know its time to put him in a home?
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My husband has dementia for over three years I'm his care giver 24/7. I cant go nowhere without him but them he wants to stay in the car. I don't know if its time to get him in a home he recognizes me. but even talking on the phone bothers him. I'm burn out.
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Sometimes, soothing is not possible, but what seemed to work for me with my loved one is that I focused on things she was getting to help her. Initially, she was getting physical therapy. So, I supported her efforts and how the doctor thought that would help with her balance. I supported her medications that were being administered to her regularly and much healthier she was looking with the regular meals. Plus, what nice people she was getting to meet at the AL. I also told her how everyone told me what a nice person she was and how they were so glad to have her there. (I fibbed on this, but it made her feel so special to think that she was so popular and well liked.) Many other residents did like her though.

My loved one's memory was quite poor, so I had to constantly repeat these things. Each time that I told her was like the first, but it helped in the moment.
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Freqflyer- We just moved her a week ago today. I've been trying to step back and let her become acclimated to her new surroundings and staff this weekend and I think it helped. She was calling her sister 3 days in and asking her to come take her home but there were no calls this weekend. A neighbor came and took her for a drive and she didn't ask her to take her home either. Baby steps!
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Hmason, how long ago did your Mom move into Assisted Living? If it has been just a few days, it is recommended that relatives don't visit for two weeks so that the new resident can start relying on the Staff to help.

My Dad was starting with dementia, especially the sundowning, but he knew something was wrong with his memory... I didn't say anything about dementia, instead I told him everyone forgets things, I know I do, and that made him feel better.

In my Dad's case, it was his idea to move, and he was so happy to be around people of his own generation that he could talk to :)
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