Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

HELLO GROUP, Until my mom took her last breath she was fiddling. She had to keep her hands busy.....I bought her easy puzzles for two to three year olds, she did those, I had bought her a sippy cup cause she, like a child, loved to throw things on the floor, So not sure if any of this will help you? But they did me......And thought I would share what I knew and went thru, the cup was esp handy, that way she did not pour it on the carpet but not all over her either.........Sharon

I FOUND MY MOM LIKE TO FIDDLE WITH THINGS....SO IF YOU HAVE ANY FOLDING THAT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PERFECT? I WOULD DO IT TO KEEP HER BUSY AND ACTIVE.....SHARON

Yeah, these folks all have their talents. My mom hung up my laundry today!!! she has promised for three days so I just left them there for her to do. It took her two times and I see she has hidden some in my clothes (not on hangers) but it's the thought that counts. I agree "having some sort of regular contribution has to feel better for everyone..."

My 87 year old dad can't carry anything because he uses a walker, so most chores are out of the question. Can't sort out his meds because of inattention. But he can research stuff on the web, so we ask him to figure out things and he seems to like it. It wasn't working to treat him likes perpetual guest. Having some sort of regular contribution has to feel better for everyone, though like some above, it might mean MORE workin some areas.

Hey Dragonflower, I can use these ideas for my dad with dementia! Anything else you want to add to it? Thanks!

My Uncle passed away just a few years ago. My Aunt told me that for years there is this routine where you do your chores, fix meals, go to appts. with your beloved and then it all stops. The routine was broken and there are adjustments to be made. Us women are used to 'doing' for others. It's the nurturing gene we are endowed with.
I found I had to adjust after spending 35 years raising children and then it stops and adjustments have to be made. Then I finished my degree and planned on a second career as a teacher but my dad moved in and once again, adjustments had to be made.
Moving across country away from family and friends was a depressing feat we had to endure and adjust to. We did.
There is no sure deal and their is grieving, disappointment and adjusting all along the way in life.
It is hard to see our loved ones going through this and when we go through it, we have a deeper understanding. This too shall pass and she will be back I am certain. Routines are what keep some of us sane I believe. Getting ourside of ourselves is very healing as well such as volunteering in something we once enjoyed, helping a child read, being a substitute grandparent, meals on wheels, etc etc

What a wonderful answer, PegDBee! I wish you and your mom enjoyment of the years that she has left. I'll be the first to say that I do not understand depression (Clinical Depression), not situational.. There are meds that do work, I've been told.
I'm sure that you are getting the best advice on these anti-depression drugs. Good Luck!!
p.s.
She's lucky to have a daughter like you.

I agree it would be fabulous if everyone regarded continued education as you do and I respect your view. I am 57 years old, returned to the local university and people "my age" ask me "why?" Why would I want the stress of the homework, quizzes, midterms, finals and worrying about a grade??? After all, weren't we supposed to do that immediately after graduating from high school?
My mom's routine of dusting and swiffering around the house was what she wanted to do. She also did academic things that have fallen by the wayside since my dad's death. Doc and I are working together to lift the cloud of depression so as to open the doors again to those things you mentioned (except auto mechanic, she doesn't like to get dirty). A year ago my mom was uploading photos from her camera and proud to edit and print her own photos. Grieving/depression is holding her paralyzed and I pray the meds, doc's suggestions and time will enable her to have the strength to do that again.
I agree trips to the library would be wonderful. Some people are not as interested in doing that and we need to remember that. I know people spend their money on Starbucks (the lines are enormously long on campus!) and I would prefer to spend my money on books and new computers when one is failing or hired help so I can do the things I like to do and not dust and vacuum.
The point I was making about her household chores was moreso the "routine" that depression robs one of. My mom also did volumes of word searches! And she loved to buy the most recent booklet that enabled her to increase her vocabulary. But the routines of the past are now being governed by the deep grieving of the loss of her beloved of over 65+ years. The grip grieving has on her (and many, many others) is holding her (and others) back from enjoying this part of her/their lives without her/their spouses.
Academia is not for everyone as we see with the undereducation in this country. Doing the things you mentioned, like knitting, crocheting, seamstress work are all important for the continuance of hand-eye coordination.
I agree there are words that people attribute to other social stratus they may not be a part of. Perhaps "hired" doesn't offend but may be a memory trigger of an unpleasant experience. We don't know. For some mopping a floor is theraupuetic and not mundane; for some it has been part of their lives for so long, losing that chore is yet another loss. Too many losses in one's life too close together could be detrimental.
I think at this point I am sad that grieving has encapsulated my mom's life and I pray that all resources available to her will eventually lift the cloud hovering over her and she will find new and different enjoyment at this point in her life. It is all about change, transition, and moving forward whether you are knit, fix a car, can do taxes, paint, do word searches, drink coffee, or mop the floor ... we must all keep moving forward and encourage others to do the same.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. It struck me when I read that many years ago, and it still strikes me in different ways. When one is 87 years old, an educated parent, or grandparent.... and with little time left to enhance the mind, why spend the precious hours left doing mundane tasks that can be done by hired help? Of course these things, however repetitive, must be done, but they do not take precedence over studying, reading, conversing with knowledgable people on a particular subject of interest. Isn't a trip to the local library, art museum, or a session with Steve on the Travel Channel more valuable than Swifter dusting?
It's not too late to learn to search E-bay. It's not too late to learn the intricasies of the Tax Code. It's not too late to learn how to knit one, purl one....etc.
A lawyer can learn motorcylce maintenance. A nurse can learn to paint ( the canvas, not the house). You get the point, I'm sure.
If it's the word "hired" that perhaps offends, then get over it. Some spend their money at Starbucks, and others spend their money on hired help.

This topic and thread of conversation has meaning and power and I would just like to contribute a little bit of my own observation.
Before my dad's death last year my mom was the early riser, her private time to herself, she would get her own breakfast, her and my dad's meds, she would also swiffer the kitchen floor and dust the furniture surfaces in the kitchen, dining room and family room. Since my dad's death she does not of these things. Mornings I awaken her, I lay out her lifelong breakfast of graham crackers and coffee, manager and monitor her meds, some mornings even help her get dressed, and no, she does not dust of swiffer. We do have a cleaning woman and partner who comes every other week so that chore has been taken away from my mom (they do the deep and heavy cleaning and there is no reason why my mom can't still dust/swiffer when she wants to). Everything changed over this past year with the grieving thus depression.
I cannot make my mom return to the earlier riser cleaner woman she was a year ago. It is heart breaking to see the depression consumer her. Yes she is on meds for that and that's been only about two months though. She does offer to do things around the house but forgets. I was amazed that she was even putting the trash on the curb Thursday nights. She has stopped doing that lately as well.
She does have a doc appt next week. I am looking forward to it. With the depression consuming my mom's life, I am fighting for it not to consume mine.
Chores may be associated with our parents' (or others) lives when those lives were less painful. Doing those chores now might trigger a memory too painful to recall at this time.
Will my mom ever be the early bird around here anymore? I hope so. Will she dust and swiffer three rooms of this large house again? Maybe not. She wanted the house to look nice for my dad, and without him here her motivation is gone as well. Maybe that's something to think about when we want the octogenarians to help. Helping with a chore they did previous to a change in their lives might be psychologically and/or emotionally harmful for them.
Just thinking aloud this morning. Maybe therapy for me; thanks for listening.
Peg

N1K2R3, I think it is interesting that different regions (or maybe different social strata) use terms differently. No, chores are not for the "help" -- especially in households that have never had hired household help. Chores are just tasks that have to be repeated and usually don't take a lot of skill. Cleaning the gutters is a seasonal chore (not for an 87 yo, of course). Re-roofing is not a chore. Sweeping the kitchen is a daily chore. Painting the kitchen is not a chore. There is nothing demeaning about doing chores. They have to be done by someone, and they do make a valued contribution to the household.

Of course, if no one else in the household does chores and that is reserved for hired help, then it would not be appropriate to expect a mother or mother-in-law (or father/FIL) to be the only family member to do them. But the majority of American homes do not have paid household help, and everyone pitches in.

As others have suggested, find some safe things that she can do at her age and with her physical limitations, such as:

1. Folding laundry after it comes out of the dryer.
2. Sorting dirty laundry into darks, mediums and whites.
3. Loading the dishwasher.
4. Using that "spritz & wash" type of all-purpose household cleaner with a sponge to clean the bathroom sink & fixtures.
5. Look for coupons in the paper for things you use.and circle them with a "sharpie" pen.
6. Take inventory of what it is in the fridge and draw up a grocery list of what you are "low" on.
7. Straighten up utensils in the kitchen drawers.
8. Straight up the linen closet, re-fold towels.
9. Set the table for dinner - or at least the flatware & napkins.
10. Carry dirty plates one at a time to the kitchen sink after dinner.
11. Feed the family pet, change his water a couple of times daily
12. Let the dog/cat outside, let him inside.
13. Retrieve newspaper from front of house.
14. Bring in the mail from front of house.

I could go on endlessly. The most important thing is that she feels she is making a "contribution" to the household, in the same way that a 3-year-old might do. We would only give a 3-year-old what they could reasonably & safely manage. So, too, with the elderly.....we have to consider what they are capable of.

Hope that helps!

My mom always did many things around the house. Not only did she do things around the house she did yard work took the dog for a walk and took care of all the animals, went many places,the list goes on and on. She was very active until she had minor surgery and got a uti infection after the surgery. Changing the subject she then went to a recovering facility and was drugged into a coma. Then as she was trying to recover from the drugging at home my sure footed mom fell while trying to get to the rest room after being up for at least 2 days, who wouldn't.She went to the hospital because she bruised herself and we thought she may have a break. No break but they kept her anyway so they could drug her into a coma again.This was after we said no to drugs. Then she was thrown into a nursing home and labeled as being in the last stages of dementia instead of drug induced. It looked like dementia if you did not know her and they continued to drug her and forced her stay in a wheel chair and use diapers which really upset her since she was so active.When ever she was not too drugged she would walk and use the rest room if she was allowed to. Changing the subject again here. D. N.R s r bad for people of any age and they should be taken off when a person becomes elderly.Then at least you do not have to worry about ur loved one being killed because of it. Check medical records to make sure one is not ever placed by a doctor. Anyway activity and healthy is good. If our terrible medical staff did not get a hold of my mom she would have remained healthy and active til at least 100. I just saw an article about a 100 year old man who was the oldest person in Canada to finish a marathon.

I think one thing I would remind you of is that we all need a purpose... no matter how old we grow... I would encourage her to do what she can and would like to do. Perhaps she wants to set the table for meals or fold laundry. I think it is important that she feel wanted and also feel constructive.

Why not, Igloo?

sure. just hide the knives and the propane . everything else is fair game. ok bad joke. my mom was awesome at sorting folding laundry and she could do that from a chair. clipped coupons. little safe tasks that helped us and she felt like she helpef out. a relief to her , "the burden" . old people are just like us. give her a way to feel needed. good luck.

Yes, doing chores that are equal to a persons mind and body is very helpful for the whole family. I always stress that the home is now "everyone's home...a family' so everyone does chores. Keeping them simple like folding laundry cleaning the kitchen counters in the evening, getting the mail, keeping up the calendar with family event and birthdays...simple things to stay feeling 'worthwhile'
Blessings on giving her a home..

re: antidepressants. I love my mom's doc. She heard my concern re my mom's depression and knowing my mom would not take an antidepressant (she was offered a rx last sept when my Dad died and she said NO NO NO) her doc asked her if she (my mom) would take a rx to "increase her appetite" (a side effect of this antidepressant) and my mom said "yes of course" and my mom just started antidepressant this week so no "side effects" yet but that ploy worked. Sometimes we have to go around an obstacle ~ other times right through it!!! I agree with chores: my mom does the funniest things but then I share that funny story with a friend and we laugh. I wish Art Linkletter was here, I have a new show for him: "Seniors say/do the darnest things" (anyone know what I am referring to? of course you do). So giggle about the funny things, share that over coffee with a friend, and then definitely rewash those dishes...just in case she did indeed use a dirty sock to dry them with! (I love that story by the way; frustrating for you but really comical to me ~ I can relate!!!) Peg

N1 - LMAO! I hadn't thought of the post quite THAT way........

By all means, please include your mother-in-law in daily activities that are fun and enjoyable . Find out especially what she likes to do, but "chores"? I'm not sure what you mean by " chores". Isn't that for the help? Do I understand that she is 87 years old?

Hmm, sorting socks seems to be a good task and something that can be done sitting down.

NEL:

No doubt she's still feeling down, but she needs to get back on that horse somehow. After all, it's been almost a year. Instead of making a list of things to help with, I'd pick something tedious and time-consuming -- like folding laundry -- and do it together. It'd be a great time for conversation and a chance for her to channel some of the grief she's been lugging around for so long. Good luck my brother.

-- Ed

Ah I see. I remember legos being little snap together plastic blocks in bright colors. I've seen lego Harry Potter stories online but that's as far as I kept up with them.

Lego's are those building block systems. There are also Lego-Land's theme parks, like the one in San Diego, and a Lego robotics groups for teens and adults.

Regular Lego's are small even teeny tiny pieces.

Lego Duplo are big Lego pieces designed for toddler to K. They are a perfect for adults with not so nimble hands or with arthritis. They are an easy way to get the elderly to do hands-on simple manipulatives (1st stage math problems) to keep their brain active or to see if they can figure stuff out. Tangrams are another manipulative.

What is Lego Duplo?

I'd avoid any cleaning. They often have reduced senses so don't realize they are inhaling fumes or getting something caustic on their skin.

With my mom & in the past with my aunts, flower arranging works great. I go to BIg Lots or Michael's or Goodwill and get whatever's & plastic vases/containers or wreaths and set it out for her to do about every 3 weeks. When she was still in IL, it was great and she would do & redo for every holiday that Hallmark makes a card for. Now she is in NH and has 2 window planters that she does & redoes.

As others have said laundry folding is great. Dishtowels and cloth napkins can take the better part of the day as they will take forever to press out hem wrinkles.

For us what worked for fun time was going to the kids section of a bookstore or a educational store (like Learning Express) or a Scholastic Books warehouse and getting oversized maze books or larger scale puzzles for my mom to do. Crayola washable markers and pencils are a must. If you & her are the arts & crafts type
there is a ton of early childhood activities that weren't around when we were little, like Lego Duplo - which is a great manipulative for older hands.

If your community or library has a senior day care program, have her go to it.

Everyone in life needs to feel important, needed, wanted. After her lose it is very easy for her to feel useless. Start with llittle things for her to do, see how she takes it. Then add more. Also let her bake cookies, make a meal with you, set the table, if can go to the garden, etc. Spend time with tea, talking, get to know her life from a child, her passions, likes, dreams when she was young. Even if she cannot help yiou, she has memories of when she was able to enjoy life, make yourself a part of that. I read once a story about Nurses! Nursing Homes, I was young once, I dance once, makeup oce, worked once, etc. Now I am old, I do not wear makeup, cannot dance, but I am alive and a person, see that I am still beautiful and do not want to be in this body, I want wings and to dance again. Pray this helped.

I would not expect my 80 year old or even 60, 70 year old to do any chores but maybe thats just the way I was brought up. I took care of my mother who had heart disease, diabetes, arthritis and I didn't expect her to lift a finger. I cleaned, I moved the furniture and I did what she asked. I took care of my father who had aggressive cancer and delirium tremors/schizophrenia. I did not expect him to lift a finger either. I made his breakfast, he actually made his own lunch and we would both make dinner. My father was a serious alcoholic but he was still my father so I treated him with alot of love and respect. I was not there to see my mother pass away but I was there to hold my father as he passed away in my arms. My mother in law is my heart. If I could move her in with me I would but I live in a different state. She has various ailments (heart, arthritis, blood pressure, etc.) and what she says is "I want to be where I am loved." I would hope that when i hit 60,70 yrs of age that I will not have to do chores. Dont mean to be harsh and give you a long story, but all they want is to live in peace. Right now your mom is in serious depression and maybe she will help and maybe she won't. If she wants to wash a cup or a plate let her do it. If she wants to fold a shirt or two let her. If she wants to feel useful let her. Good Luck...

she kinda gave up ......cuz we over did it not wanting her to fall again-she lost confidence.....i cant undo it

ya if she can help let her ...my mom fell and broke her arm 2 yrs ago...they gave her pain meds but did not work...my daughter was unemployed at the time and was taking care of her...the moaning she made was horrific....6 months later i could tell in daughters voice she was done..i told her thnak you but u need to get on with ur life (25) and i take over...well i over did it walking her to the bathroom everynight and not letting her walk