Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Yes, let her do whatever she is able and willing to do, that you or your wife can tolerate. My MIL is 90 and has found tasks that are within her abilities that she has claimed for her own....she folds most of the laundry on wash day, for instance. She can sit down to do it, and it takes much of the afternoon, but it also frees me to do other jobs around the house. She keeps my kitchen tidy. I sometimes have to search for items that she sticks somewhere because she does not remember where they are supposed to go, and she often washes the dishes with soap before they go in the dishwasher (sigh) but I feel that is a small price to pay for the reward of seeing her busy and happy. She has worked all her life and is not content to just sit. She does not watch TV, and reading and word puzzles can only occupy a certain number of hours in the day. Last summer she helped process the garden produce...shelling peas, snapping beans, slicing squash, chopping tomatoes, pitting cherries, etc. for freezing or canning. Sometimes I could do the job faster by myself, but it is nice to have someone to talk with while working in the kitchen. I do final packaging and/or processing. Most of the jobs are things she has done since childhood (her short term memory is shot and learning new things just doesn't happen). She does get tired after awhile, and I send her off for a nap and finish the job. It takes patience, but we work together rather well most of the time and she feels like she is part of the family, like she is "earning her keep" and not being a "burden". I will miss her help when she can no longer do these things.

Yes she should do what ever she is able to do-she will sleep better if she is active during the day.

My guess is that if she wants to help around the house, you won't be able to stop her. If she doesn't want to help around the house, you won't be able to do it. Your best bet is to make peace with however she is and make the rest of her life everything she can allow it to be. Good Luck. God Bless You.

If your MIL has depression, doing something is a great start to bringing her out of the depression. She will come out with help; time heals all things.
Since she moved in with you and out of her "native territory" her own home, she might feel hesitant to do anything, She's doesn't understand what is expected of her. You have to show her what's OK, and what's not. If she has dementia, that magnifies the problem because being out of their own territory is very disorienting for them. It's important for you to show her that her contribution to the household is wanted, even needed. Peope of the older generations were schooled to be productive; being a bum-do nothing person was off-limits for them. You can assume she wants to contribute.

Feeling you are contributing, even in small ways, can lend much to feeling good about yourself...at any age. If she is able maybe she can help fold some laundry, maybe cooking with you or your wife, or teaching you a recipe (sometimes teaching someone is a great feeling). Depending on her abilities there are always little things you will find someone can do when sitting.

Because I live in my mothers house, but separate living quarters, we still "do" holidays and relative/friend visits in her space...sort of tradition. So though I do the cooking, cleaning, planning, etc. she picks out the linens, tableware and sets the table....if she can help out with setting tables for meals it may give her a sense of something she had done before

Patricia, you mentioned dementia and alzheimers. I recently read an article on virgin organic coconut oil that helps with dementia and alheimers. Google it and do your research. It is supposed to really help for those individuals who suffer from these afflictions. Hope this helps.

Loss is loss, but long-term relationships are especially hard to cope with. Also, transitioning from independence to living in someone else's home is also a loss. Feeling like a guest in someone's home is especially difficult. Setting her up with daily activities is especially important. It will make her feel like a vital part of the community and create a sense of belonging. It will also help keep isolation and loneliness at bay. A person that reaches 80 plus is also difficult because physical limitations are another form of loss. Try to maintain a sense of humor and joke whenever possible (if that is something that works with your MIL). Simple daily activities, such as having someone take her to the store, the hairdresser, or even going out to an early lunch or a movie will break up the boring daily grind. It will take some effort and teamwork, but it will help her transition. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and I am sure she will need more time. Hope this helps. (Graduate student in gerontology and thanatology)

Linda Gabriel's remark is going to become a plaque in our home. It says it ALL.
"Hang in there everyone, this is a tough ride.".....Yes it is....yes it is.

Quit expecting. That is for your wellbeing.
My mother was a hoarder, even after moving in with us at one time. Had I learned to think of her a an unrelated person and not expected what I knew was not going to change or cease, I would have been a lot happier, she would have been a lot happier and it would have added years to my life and my health.
BTW, after I brought my mother home on hospice, I went into full blown menopause the third month. It was so stressful. I asked my endocrinologist if stress could have caused such an immediate change....."Yes!" was his answer.

Be glad your mom can do things around the house. I know when mom was in the nursing home from time to time I would always have her hair done. She did like also. In today's life with the way our hospitals work and some times even docotor they don't think what it be like if it was one of there own family member going through the same thing. It's not even about age. If you go into a hospital these days and do not have some one who will be there with you if you very sick. They will do anything they want to you, run test that are not needed. It almost happen to mom several times but I was there to stop it. Life should be lived with diginity and care, love. Any one who has a parent and you are the caregiver I know ever thing that can go wrong. Yes there are many good people out there, but there are more that just don't care. Just like lindagabriel sated Hang in there, it is a tough ride you are not alone. This web site me through some very tough times.

Hang in there everyone, this is a tough ride.

My Mom on occasion will unload the dishwasher, and that is a great help.
She does this when I least expect it, and really appreciate it.
I have started taking her to the beauty shop every-week instead of every 2 weeks and yesterday she was awake and pretty good all day. Not so much today, she is really sleeping alot.
Just seems like there is one child in each family that is willing to help out, I have a sister that has been mad at me since I moved my mother in with me. And if it is not about money what else could it be? Did she really want her own mother sitting in a home by herself everyday?? She calls mom about once or twice a month. She came for Christmas 2 weeks before Christmas, which reallly confused my mom.
My brother and sister both live out of state.My brother has been a great moral support for me and my mother as well.

my mother in law has demetia and is 87. she likes to help sometime so she sets the dinner table. i put the plates,utensils,glasses, and napkins on the table for her. i put the right amount for each person and then she can usually place them out right. if she doesnt, we just switch them around without her noticing. we always let her think its right. you dont want to critize any help, or hurt their feelings.

Let her do some small meaningful things around the house...certainly do not let her cook, clean, rake leaves, do laundry, or operate any machine...but maybe a little sewing or some light dusting old pictures, or maybe fold some clothes. Don't let her put things away, get the mail, or listen in on family decisions....not her place...senior center drop off ...learn to play bridge.

All the answers you received are great. the most important is the DIGNITY. No matter how bad my mom was with herr Alzheimers/dementia, plus other health problems I was there for her. To give her support. My mom forgot everyone in her life even her husband, grandchildren and my hubby. My children and hubby would visit all the time. but they did not mind. She loved to color and watch movies, I would always take out the photo album or play music. Some songs she did remember. My mom passes away at 88, she knew until the end. I had bought her a special teddy bear that sang a song (that's what friends are for) froma daughter to a mom it read on its little purple sweater. She loved little teddy, When mom was going she held on to it plus my hand until the end. I placed it with her in the gravesite. I went out an order another for myself in memory of her. If mom wants to help let her, you may have to correct some things, be greatful that she can stay with you. This is a great web site. it helped me out through some bad times. I did go to doctors for help. All they did was try to go back to my past childhood. I also found a assisting living ( not the one mom was at) They had meeting every third Thursday of the month just to talk.That also helped. Remember to take care of yourself also. Like shelltbelly stated WE only get one chance with life make sure the rst of life is filled with love.

Well dear, there should not be a force on your parent to do chores;however, if she feels as though she wants to help around the house ,then let her do it .My mother was 86 , and on last April :before she pass,,she would get the broom or mop just because she wanted to help I felt so proud of her ;cause you have some parents have lost it totally and don't remmber what a kitchen is for..Those moments when she wanted to help and not been force upond her will be good memories for you when she"s gone .Please let her have her away and don't put no more on her than she can't bare..IT IS SO CUTE WHEN YOUR SENIOR PARENTS CAN INTERACT IN FAMILY SETTING!!! And don't forget the design aprins...joselyn...

I really think we ALL need a purpose... I would encourage you to give her tasks she can accomplish easily and well. This will help her feel she is contributing. My Mom is VERY frail but she prays for all the grandchildren. This is a very real blessing to all of us!!!
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I agree with taking time for myself. I am just completing a semester as a full time student, changing that status to part time to be home more, but won't give up myself or my life goals for caregiving. I think there are others much more qualified for that field than I am (understatement). Thanks for the encouraging words.

Glad I could be of help. Remember that you love them and take time for yourself or you might lose yourself.

@Angelhair: you could not have posted this at any better time for me than right now. I find myself frustrated when my Mom doesn't do things perfectly (as she was with me when I was a kid) but you are right ~ as long as they are busy and happy ... that really IS all that counts. Thanks for the reminder!!! Peg

I agree with nursediana, My father-in-law does so much better if he's active. It drives his wife crazy because he doesn't do certain things just right, like pouring milk onto his nachos, or using a fork to eat pizza, or washing the wall instead of the window, or using the shovel as a rake. I told her those little things didn't matter. As long as he was busy he was happy. We told her that she needed to just let those little things go because he didn't understand that he was doing it wrong. Some things I didn't understand, like the pizza thing, I eat my pizza with a fork sometimes. The confrontation, no matter how small, would just make him agitated. Once in a while we have to remind her, but she doesn't tell him he's doing things wrong near as much as when we first got here. Even though he makes a mess sometimes, he's happy. And that's what counts.

Yes. DEFINATELY!! Whatever she is able to do. With the muscles, if you don't use them, you'll lose them. So basically keep her as active as possible, but don't let her over do it. I have found even with Alzheimers patients, they love to stay busy. Whether it is productive or not doesnt make a difference. Whatever makes them happy.

I can't really speak on behalf of you MIL, all I know is that my husband's 96 year old grandmother still gets up at four am to take the tracks three days a week to work until four in the afternoon when we go pick her up from the station. She also does as much around the house as possible even though she can't get around without her walker and needs help dressing herself and taking her medication. Sometimes it is worrisome because she can't get around without her walker and she refuses to get a motorized chair(she says she'll get a chair when her legs don't work anymore) and she gets so exhausted; but she won't hear of giving up her work that she loves; she says that staying busy is what keeps her going. Her goal is to reach 100 years old and if she reaches that she says she'll set a new goal. She is the whole families inspiration. In our household we can honestly say we have four generations living under one roof.

What RLP said is exactly it! the wonderful seniors who went through the end of the depression and WWII have this amazing work ethic and a real need to keep working. When I was a young girl early in my marriage I did not understand this. When my mother-in-law visited our home, I wanted her to be a guest, relax, and let me take care of things. It just did not sit well with her. I learned to let go of little chores after a few visits and let her help me around the home, let her cook in my kitchen, and I found that she was much happier. She is 87 or 88 and still going pretty strong, living in her own home across the country from me. My mother was much the same for many years even though she is fifteen years younger. It's only in the last couple years that things have gone really down hill with my mother because of over medication by her doctors.

I agree RLP what a wonderful attitude about your Mom. She is obviously an important part of your life. How wonderful for her to be treated kindly and with such respect and dignity!!! In my mind all of our elders have SO much to teach us if we are willing to let them.

RLP you are right on. Excellent post.

My mother's greatest fear is to be a bother and unneeded. If your mother in law is capable of any chores, ask her for help. Let her know that she may have a better way of doing things, and you want her advice.I am a teacher and my mother has helped me grade addition and subtraction papers, put stickers on papers, and she likes to have a cup of tea waiting for me to take with me to school. She can fold clothes and is a wonderful source of budgeting after having grown up during the Depression and several recessions. I have found that we have fun together and then she needs her quiet time. Most of our elders have grown up with a very strong work ethic and need at least one job to belong. Sorting photographs is a wonderful chore and I learn so much when my mother does so. I hope your mother-in-law can find her place, and you can feel more comfortable. Best wishes - Rebecca

I don't recall the OP mentioning that his MIL had either alzheimers or dementia. Depression can be disabling, but feeling useful and needed can be a medicine for that. My MIL doesn't live with us, but when she visits she very much enjoys doing little things around our home, (when I was a young girl I didn't understand that). We share in cooking and cleaning, and if I do laundry she always helps me fold. One summer when I took a job away from home she stayed with the family for a few weeks and it was her joy to take care of them. She is around the same age, 88. Do I expect her to do things the same way I do? Of course not, we have different styles. Does it matter? No, I just enjoy the help.

DT: great idea.
Traditionally my mom and Dad would put pieces of candy in paper Halloween motif bags and give those out to trick or treaters. Last year Halloween was just weeks after my Dad's death and so my Mom did nothing.
This year we packaged up over 100 little bags for the trick or treaters. Also, traditionally for over 35 years, my children have come over prior to Halloween. When they were little they showed off their costumes to my Mom and Dad then as they got older (my kids ... not me ha ha) they would bring over their children in their costumes. Yesterday evening one of my daughters brought over her children.
LIttle things like making bags for trick or treaters or seeing children and grandchildren is what makes life worth living.
We did have dinner last night which I did it all but Mom says she will unload the dishwasher. We will see, last time she said they, the dishes stayed in there for two weeks (at least they were clean) and I would take out what I needed to use.
It doesn't matter if it was only putting napkins on the table last night or putting the stickers on the Halloween candy bags, I think it is the feeling of being a part of what the family/community is doing.
Peg

Moom is 94 - her body does not manuacture hemoglobin as it ought to and she gets very weak, her ability to get around has been compromised for some time and uses a walker, her ostio makes it hard for her to stand for even a short time. She loved cooking, but can't anymore. She got dangerous if she tried to handle hot things. I try to think of little jobs that she can do sitting down like cleaning the green beans to let her feel as if she is contributing, a couple weeks ago we made apple pie, I peeled and cored, she sat and sliced and used her "head" recipe for the spices (she uses tapiocha as a thlickening agent, incidentally) and the pie was good. Maybe you could ask your MIL how she does a certian dish, even though you think yours is better, or to show you how, even if you do not need instruction. Maybe this would work her into sharing the cooking. But remember, there is only room for one cook in a kitchen, unless you and she are on such a strong wavelength that you do not get in each other's way. (Be careful what you wish for, you might get it...)