Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Give them something that they can handle, that way they feel like they are contributing to their part of the family as a whole n they will feel self-worthy n some independence that they can help as well. I believe they need a purpose in life just like us. From folding towels, clothing or setting the table or drying dishes to watering the plants on the porch. hope this helps.

Most days lately I'm sad, but your question actually makes me grin a little. I'm new at this, just 6 short weeks but I'm trying to catch on. Someone suggested having my mother do some housework so she could busy herself. I thought, what a great idea, she was a great housekeeper. So when she was pacing the other day I asked her if she would like do some dusting while I cleaned house. She was excited to help! I said dust whatever you like. She came to me proud of her job. She had scoured my beautiful kichen cabnets with comet! She said "Look, it's so clean it's even a lighter color!" She was proud. I'm still trying to get the comet off of the cabnets and they are scratched all to hell. But, she was happy for a few hours, proud of herself and we had a good evening.

Thank you, littlehelp. She does have a chair in the shower, but won't sit on it except when she washes her feet. She will only take Tylenol. If Aleve was white instead of blue I might be able to put them in her Tylenol bottle. She wouldn't know the difference.

If you have to put a chair inside the tub for her and make her feel safer.She might not be able to stand for that long of time before it hurts.I know for bad discs I take two Aleve everyday and it helps me.

Spiralli ! What a wonderful story. Now he's in charge of cats.

I am so sorry that I get abrupt with my mother. But she only showers once a week. Now it has been 10 days. She did wash her hair but now it's starting too look so greasy. I hate to take her anywhere because she looks and dresses like a bag lady. Some of her clothes are 20 to 25 yrs old. If I didn't taked her clothes to wash they never would get washed. She wants to do things herself, but she can't because of degenerated discs in her back. She is in a lot of pain most of the time. I know that is why she doesn't like to shower. I just don't know how to help her sometimes. I told her I won't take her to church if she doesn't shower. Is that so mean? Everyone looks so nice and her she is. Thanks, venting again.

It has to be hard on her to lose her husband n now her own place. Some emotional support and tender love will help her too. Try to see what she can do like rinsing the dishes or use a light sweeper to dusting. I know with my mnl if I don't find something she can do she will just sat all day in the chair n just wither away. Not having that if I can help it, for as long as she is able to get around we will continue to live. She may need to do things to feel that she is needed n can do stuff to feel independent. All u can do is try to help her n hopefully she has not giving up. She may need, "A purpose in life." Get her motivated if find out what she likes to do or what she use to like to do as for activities too. I hope this help.

When there that age they will do what ever they want when they want.Let her know if she would like to help out she can but don't push it.There comes time when you need to start to take care of her and don't worry about your needs.She needs to be with people that care and love her not boss her around like she don;t belong.

No...for now.

It is important that your mil become part of your family. Even if she has memory problems or mobility issues, she may want to help fold clothes. My mil when she was at home was with us. It was important to keep her involved in the family and help keep her brain active. She died the day after Thanksgiving last year, she couldn't move but she would ask me if she could help me cook dinner and even though she couldn't get out of bed, she asked me if she could help do dishes. I think this really helped her fend off depression, because she knew I valued her help. I would tell her how much I appreciated her all the time. It helped both of us.

My mother is 89 years old with mod dementia per neurologists via the mini mental tests. She leaves her used dishes on the table during the weekend when the HHA is not around. I let her know that I'm not the maid or the HHA and I refuse to wash her dishes or remove them from the table. It's a strain for me to have to tell her this, but she is able to take them off the table and she does actually wash them. I read that it's great to praise them for doing this even though sometimes I have to re wash the dishes when she's asleep. She makes her own bed sometimes, but I definitely don't expect her to do the wash, vacumm, or clean her bathroom. I end up doing it. No washing floors either. She's fragile and unfortunately getting older. But I do encourage her to do things herself, like brush her teeth, curl her hair, and little things like that. I also, make her hang her clothes up in the closet. She is so forgetful sometimes, oh I mean most of the time. Hope this helps. I still have compassion for her and love her when she's not visous and mean.

My Mom does the dishes (always has!) and I cook... This has always worked well for us, because we both prefer our "chore" to the other... Mom is now legally blind - macular degeneration - and sometimes the counters, faucets, etc., aren't wiped as clean when she's done (the dishes are fine because of the dishwasher!), but I think she does just fine! It gives her some way to contribute, and is something I genuinely appreciate. She is always saying she wishes she could help me more, & doesn't really understand this really is a help. I also tell her that just her company is a contribution (she also helps financially). The one thing that does make me crazy, tho, that she just doesn't "get" is to help when I'm trying to plan/decide WHAT to cook... If I ask what she feels like or wants to eat, she usually responds that it's MY job, & I should decide/plan ahead. However, if I make suggestions, she is often negative, or makes facial expressions of rejection. ARGHGHG! I'm a good cook, and when I finally do "decide" and cook something, nowadays I frequently (almost all the time?) get "is there some strange spice in this? Isn't this pretty salty? I'm not crazy about this - only telling you because I don't want you to cook this all the time... What's wrong with "regular" food (whatever that is!)?" We used to joke & say "him what complains does the cookin'!" but I can't use that anymore...

Start with the truth that no one wants to be (or feel) irrelevant. Then, find something useful that will be truly appreciated by you and your wife. If your mother-in-law is physically able and not too impaired by dementia, it ought to be a long list.

YES! I think it is essential.

We lost my mother a year ago and I am living with my dad. He was his old self, tho sad and quieter, until he took a fall and had to recover which he did amazingly well, but... he had become used to sitting in front of the tube and humbly giving me orders... Day by day he got more and more lethargic, no amount of sneaky pleading, no amount of outright begging, no amount of trickery got him off that chair. Until one day when I had to go see a client and was out of the house when the cat (beloved by all, most passionately by Pappa Joe) got herself stuck in the crawlspace between the eves on the porch. He rescued her, called me, then the vet, and took care of her until I got there, and we took her to get stitches in her paw. Now he is in charge of the cats care. The change in him was instant and impressive.

Give your MIL an easy important job and she will be happier, you will be happier and something little will get done and not my you! Grinning and sending you love and strength, Li

I try and let my mom help. She's 88 with beginning of dementia. She cleans the dishes and I load the dishwasher. She will help empty sometimes, but she usually doesn't wash her hands with soap after blowing her nose or using the bathroom. So I try and do them while she's doingsomething else. She even started licking her plate. I never seen her do that before. And the same old stories. It never changes except some are not true. Or she says I've seen that TV show before and it's never been on. Or that man was mowing his grass before and we've never been down that street. It's fun sometimes, but I get burnt out. Good luck.

Nelkstar, welcome to the board for it is a great place to get helpful insights. My mnl is 80 with Alzheimer's (AD). Her eyesight is not all it use to be so instead of letting her wash the dishes, I stand next to her while I was them and she rinses the dishes and that way she has some feeling of being independent and self-worthy for herself and the family. She sometimes will use a Bissell instead of the vaccume cleaner to do her carpet in her room. Hope this help some.

If you are just wanting her to help well, she is a bit in her age and especially if she has an illness it can be hard. On the other hand, if she is wanting to help around see what she is able to do.
For instance,
I use to let my mnl to wash the dishes for "she wanted to help around the house sometimes." However, her eye-sight not quite up to par. With that said, I will wash the dishes and when she ask to wash them, I just ask her if she like to rinse them and 'WE' can get them done faster-together.
or
You can let her fold clothes or towels or just give her a dust rag and let her go dusting away. It may not be perfect but it will give her some feeling of dignity and independence and contributing the the family. Hope this help.

I gave my great-aunt two choices. We didn't talk about chores;we talked about helping others which is a family creed. There isn't an easy answer. It depends on the situation.

You can not expect anything out of an 87 year old. SHE’S 87! If you actually are looking for help, forget that. If you want her to help with chores for her benefit, that’s different and you will need to assist. She can probably do laundry etc. Her help though may be more work for you, but what needs to be done needs to be done. It will be healthy for her of course, contributing will help her spirits and exercise will keep her in physically better shape.

Please do NOT let the Doctor put her on anti-depressants. They tried this with my Mother and also put her on some psych medications which were extremely harmful. I have since then removed her form the meds and she is much better. All elderly go through the grieving process. Just keep her involved and socializing with you and your wife and eventually it will go away. Make her feel like she belongs. You could occasionally have her fold up sheets, or something. I would not expect her to do very much. Just keep her involved and visiting relatives! Good luck! I have taken care of my Mother for almost 6 years with minimal use of medication. Take her on walks and give her a good diet! ANTIDEPRESSANTS ARE not to be used frivously with the elderly/children! VERY DANGEROUS!

Welcome to the site! I am sorry the nurse spoke to you that way. You don't deserve it, and many of us have tried to do as much for our parents as they will allow. COPD is something that does require some movement but also requires rest. A good respiratory therapist will help you if you can find one or go to the online COPD sites for information on how to get your mother moving. I have COPD although I am 56 and have never smoked. Some days I feel like moving and I try to do as much as I can. On my worst days, I do chair exercising. Directions for this are online, too. You sound like a very loving and caring daughter, and I am sure your mom has truly felt like you appreciate all she did when you were younger. Perhaps that is more important than how much you have her moving. Take care and please stay in touch.

Hi! I am new to this site. I have read many of the responses to the question-but not every one-so I hope I am not repeating something someone already said. I made the mistake when my mom moved in of telling her she is "retired" and I took over everything! She seemed quite content. She raised 7 kids and I felt it was time for me to give back. Well, when she was diagnosed with COPD and the nurses kept telling her she HAD to keep moving and walk-she was so used to me doing everything-including bringing her her coffee-or heating it back up-that she didn't want to do anything! One of the nurses looked at me and told me I was "killing her with kindness". WOW-how's that for a punch in the gut?! So, if I could start over, I would have let her and encouraged her to do more-including getting off her butt and getting her own coffee! But I agree that each persons health and limitations MUST be taken into consideration as so many have said here! I wish I had gotten on a site like this when I stated caring for her 8 years ago!

RLP, great suggestion!

If she has difficulty with household chores, could she cut and glue magazine pictures on paper to make little booklets for children to use in Pre-Kindergarten or Kindergarten? Even if she cannot cut, someone could do that for her, she could sort them, and then glue using a glue stick or a glue pot with a brush. The booklets could be sorted by colors, animals, shapes, or other categories. You can use spiral notebooks of all sizes or just plain paper. Teachers or children can add the words.These types of books are great for people trying to teach children English.
Another activity could be as simple as sorting the usual plethora of plastic containers we all seem to have with their lids. Best wishes!

is there something she enjoys doing? maybe there is not much she can do, go with her strengths!

No, what you should do is sit down with her and ask her what she would like to do let her know that shes welcome and then she will fill comfortable,and you might get more out of her then you expect.

Hmmmmm....... adult daycare!!!!! I wonder if there's one I could go to?

Is there an adult day care for her to go to-could you do something to her room it encourage her to be there more often like her own TV. Since she is his mother he probably needs to tell her you two need your space and encourage her to get a hobby-maybe not answering every question she asks might give her a hint to leave you both alone or you may have to tell her outright you two need your privacy-or bring up to your husband other options of where she can live besides your home.

my mil is 79 and when she first moved in she would vacumn the livingroom, wash a few dishes, and I always thanked her and tell her how much I appreciated what she did, but now she sits in the living room and questions my husband about his sleep habits, his medicine, our teenage daughter, just picking questions, and if I walk in the room and try to talk she'll barely answer me,and then start talking as soon as I leave the room. We have been married 36yrs and we really want this to work,but she act like we owe her to pamper her, and she doesn't have to do anything. she even told my husband, that he was oldest son, he owes her to take care of her!!Advice on how to tolerate, and what to expect,we're both disabled
and we're home all the time, or questioned where were going, when will we be back.

Spraying full strength vinager on weeds will kill them also.