Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

my this is sure the thread that wont die. if i were 87 yrs old and someone gave me chores to do id tell em fold your own damn rags, i wipe on the shower curtain, dont effect me either way. " chores " at 87 giving a damn is a chore.

just my humble opinion of course.

Any suggestions for someone who's 91, in a wheelchair, blind in 1 eye, and only partial sight in the other, practically deaf, dementia that seems to come and go, totally incontinent, and Parkinson's? I have no idea what to do to try and help her feel like she's contributing. I know she's bored and I've tried to talk to her about something she might enjoy doing...she reads the Headlines or enlarged captions of the paper and watches tv?? May tell you what a good game Tiger Woods had after sitting in front of a football game. She falls asleep during the day and then wants to get up before dawn...

Hi! I guess it depends if your MIL is still capable enough to do chores. If she's weak and slow, allow her to do things that she can do. Make her feel that she's helpful but don't forget to look after her.

When my grandmother moved in with my parents together they decided her daily job was to dust mop the floor and clear the table after meals (salt and pepper, placemats, etc.). She had arthritis prety bad, rheumatoid, and that was about all she could manage. She felt like she had value and worth. But as her health diminished, things changed.

My husband’s aunt, however, is 89 and lives in her own home and does all her own housework and shopping. She has been a widow for 2 years, but her daughter is very involved. Still, she does her laundry (in the basement), and takes care of everything around the house.

The age itself is not the deciding factor – it is abilities, health, attitude.

I realize this post has probably taken on a life of its own and gone off on a tangent, but still, every time I see a notification on this very old thread, I imagine a woman (who'd now be approaching 90 years old) being badgered to empty the dishwasher
: )

You shouldn't 'expect' it, but YES, if she shows any indication of wanting to help, let her do so. Her loss is great and she is at odds with her "new: life. But -- depending on her capabilities -- you and your wife will need to work with her so you are all comfortable with what she is doing (and so is she). This is an adjustment for you all and will require some laughs and smiles -- lots of laughs and smiles. Good luck!

Expect?? I would say no...she is 87. Suggest? Yes, it is good for them to stay active. My body aches at 39...I can't imagine how I will feel at 87 :)

Don't expect anything and your life will be happier. I never know which personality will greet me in the morning. Take good care.

Is this poor old MIL still alive?

Absolutely! The more they do, the better they feel about themselves. My 91 year old MIL still does the dishes in the morning, puts clothes in dryer and folds them and tends to wood stove. Now, I may have to go behind her and check..but it makes her feel like she's accomplished something important. Plus she's in a walker and starting dementia.

No, she died of the same malady as their last slave...

The thing that would make me feel most valued would be my family just spending time with me and allowing me to share in their lives. I am cultivating a liking for being pampered

Doing laundry, folding clothes is good. So is sweeping or vacuuming, even if it's not done well. So is feeding the pets... it helps if things are on a schedule, so at 4 p.m., you feed the cats every day. And if she's up to it, get her out walking, which will help more than anything!

CHORES may not be the correct word ( for those of you who think I'm a slave driver) she wants to do these things and I used to tell her NO. But she started crying one day, told me "I need to do something to stay active, I need to feel important". She gets her feelings hurt when I get to the dishes before her, but I lie and tell her my hands were cold and just needed to warm them up.
Having an inactive body and mind, as well as no self worth is the fastest way to the grave. Let them do what they want (or can) to stay as an active member of society. Even if that society is your home.

Okay, okay, okay,.....can we all agree that this situation depends on the individual's ability and willingness to help. My mother helped as much as she could for as long as she could because SHE wanted to; my mother-in-law is a narcissist who thinks we all owe her something and should wait on her hand and foot. Although according to her son she was never a person that cLeaned house or had a care about anyone else she has no problem criticizing all of us. As long as she has what she wants nothing else matters. She would no longer lift a hand than the man in the moon. My mother wanted to and was able to help. My MIL is a selfish slob who expects everyone to do for her what she is not even willing to do for herself......can this thread simply die a civilized death?

It has been euthanized several times. Capt got your black powder pistol?

Expect is a difficult word. I would invite her to to little things that may be helpful, like folding dish towels or peeling vegetables. This may make her feel needed and take a little of the burden off of you.

Get a home support nurse to come into your home to assess your MIL's health, then consult with this person as to what suggestion would be for MIL to help with around the house as chores. Maybe it is still on couch and read stories to grandkids. Take things a step at a time, may have to do chore with her, if memory recall a problem.
All these responses from others so thought provoking and helpful. Glad to read so many great ideas. Remember to take care of yourself too. Cheers!

Lots of good advice above.
I would only add, while I dont' know much about your MIL, but if she is religious, you could make it her chore to pray for each family member, people who are ill, certain situations in the news, etc. Chores don't have to even be physical things we do--they can be mental things too.

My 87 year old mum sits all day on her sofa as she is completely immobile. She also has dementia so sometimes she forgets how to do things but she would dearly love to be active in her more 'with it' times. I find that like a previous contributor has said - folding simple laundry items that don't require a lot of working out (towels, pillow slips etc), and polishing things like photograph frames - especially containing photos of loved ones and past experiences, is good occupational therapy - you have to accept that this may not really be a contribution but the photograph polishing might rejuvenate her and ease the depression as she gets in touch with her happier memories..

Does she live in your home with you? Are there grandchildren to read stories to? the cat / dog to brush? Good idea with the laundry, personal documents to manually shred into separate paper bags, . . . . . . . .Yes, trying to think of more things for you! Can you get Skype? Then maybe conversations with family, friends who do not reside near her. Good luck!

Will this question and thread every DIE? Am I the only one that is sick of seeing this 3 year old question? How many answers can there be?

This thread will die when you stop asking if it will:-)

Apparently not, if you check back you will see I just asked today and yet it is still hanging around and getting the same answers for 3 years.

Have you tried contacting the administrator?

If she wants to help, I would certainly let her (even if you must re-do, discretely, behind her). When my 89 year old grandmother came to live with my mother, Mama was used to being active. She loved working in the yard. Mother would not allow her to do that, citing that she might fall, snakes, etc. Mother let her dry dishes for awhile, but then stopped that because Mama's nose dripped. She was reduced to sitting in a chair and doing "needlework". She soon stopped communicating and spend her last 10 years in a shell.

As to the "peaceful death" of this thread; maybe a lot of the answers come from people like me who are new to this site and are seeing it for the first time. I did not notice that it has been active for three years and probably the same can be said for others who have responded. Even though the thread is "old" the topic is not. Many people are experiencing being caregivers for the first time and will find the answers and suggestions they read on this site to be very valuable and pertinent to their situation.

Understood, Doodlebug:-)
When your reply came it I saw that there was another link that would allow others to unsubscribe to the thread if they so choose. So, this is a good thing. You get the info you need and others who have had their question answered my cut loose. Have a great weekend:-)

My Mother still wanted to do little things until recently, she is 91. They want and need to feel useful, so even if she doesn't do things the way you want, she is trying her best, be thankful she is with you, you will miss her when she is gone.