Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

We had my MIL here for six years during which time she was constantly angry that we didn't sell our house, move to Florida, me buy a house by myself and let her live alone with her only son. Every day she would get up and moan, "I wanna die," at the breakfast table. We tried taking her places, having her friends visit, taking her to see them, nothing worked. This chronically angry individual ruined her life and ours too--the last ten years of her life nobody suffered more than her, not even people in the Spanish Inquisition. Sad.

I say definitely let her help out with chores around the house, but not strenuous ones, ones like folding towels, and other folding laundry chores. You can also, if she has a steady hand, she can say cut up veggies for dinner, fruits too., with a knife that she won't get cut on. You can have her shine silverware, but not with chemicals, just using a soft cloth. You can have her put magazines and papers into paper bags for recycling. You can have her shred up papers you need shredded by letting her put them through a shredder ( if you have one that is). You could try having her look at photos from your wife's/her side of the family and see if she recognizes the people and if you have not written down their names on the photos you can, you could even see if she wants to tell you any stories about them. Sometimes looking at photos and remembering things can really brighten people's moods. But I would have your Mom in Law help out if she wants to. You don't make it clear if she is interested in doing that, if so, awww let her help it will give her a feeling of being needed and who does not like feeling like they are needed?

I sort my kids laundry into loads one day a week. My Grandma can load the washing machine. I use the laundry pods and she thinks they are the greatest things. All she has to do is load, plop a pod in and start the load. She can put the load in the dryer. It is fool proof for her and makes her feel she has contibuted. Plus, my kids get to see her and thank her. She is able to sweep the floor also. (since I don't your mom's physical conditions... just some ideas)

I let My MIL do whatever she feels capable to do for the day.She folds her clothes and puts them away,I do the laundry because it has to be done in the basement and she cannot do the steps up or down.I let her make her bed if she feels up to it or assist her with it when she asks.She always says she wants to do things but rarely tries.Something she says to visitors because she thinks she should. Let her do whatever you think she can. I had my MIL wipe out the refrigerator because she was always anal about that and it made her very happy!! Hugs to You!!

You can "expect" a lot, but what is MIL capable of doing? Set small, simple chores she can finish, unless she is able to do more. My Hubby has Alzheimer's and is unable to do complex tasks, complex has taken on a new meaning, he can empty the dishwasher, putting the dishes away, not so simple....so I ask him to leave them on the counter and I will put them away, he folds clothes, I put MINE Away, if I ever want to find them...engaging your loved one in small chores around the house is good for THEM...sometimes it may be more work for you in the long run. The more a person is kept busy less time for the mind to wander, but it's a fine balancing act...what are they capable of and what would be overwhelming...get your entire family engaged in giving MIL chores!

I agree with many of the comments. Mom is 91, fairly blind and has moderate dementia. and stubborn as hell. We had condos down the hall from each other, but recently bought a house to be under the same roof - it was time for that adjustment. It gives her a purpose and a sense of belonging to the family and household to do chores. Like others, she can empty the dishwasher and if she doesn't know where to put things or can't see the silverware, she puts them on the counter for us to put away. She can push a Swiffer around and dust the surfaces of furniture (as long as she doesn't bend too much and get dizzy). It doesn't really matter that she misses things on the floor or furniture because she can't see. She can't tell and I don't tell her - I tell her it looks good and thank you. It helps her feel useful. By the way, it takes some restraint to not try to fix things or follow up after her. I try to let it go and pick a different time to "redo." It's not easy and sometimes it's double work, but really, the rewards are worth it.

Please can we leave this poor MIL alone now. The original questions was "can I expect" and did not ask for suggestions of what she might be asked to do to feel useful. The way the question was posed implied that MIL was NOT disposed to lending a hand and the daughter in law felt she should help within her capabilities. correct me if I am wrong but really there is no more meat on this bone!!!!!

Aww I was enjoying that - and hang on, isn't anyone going to suggest sending her down the salt mines..?! xxx

After our sons came to "re-organize" us, my wife was "down" until I realized that we (the boys and I) had left her out. After they left, she was much better. Change should come, but in manageable bites. She has accepted support from our hired hand and from me. I am naturally sedentary and she caters to my immobility, just because she has always done so. I love her and try to keep her involved in our life.

My mother was very frail at 82 before she died, but she wanted to try and help me around the house. I gave her a swiffer duster and let her walk and dust things in the house, I also let her mix things in the kitchen when I was cooking, fold towels and such. Anything relatively easy to do. They still need to feel like they are useful and it gives them some meaning to their life to be able to feel like they can still help out.

Aww

The worst thing we can do is let them think they are useless. We have to keep their self-esteem intact.

I am so impressed with the people whose messages I have been reading on this site. There are so many compassionate and loving entries. Blessings on you all for the kindly ways you reach out to others who are coping with very difficult situations. Thank you. At the moment I don't have such a problem, nor am I a problem myself! I happened on the site because I was looking for something else & I feel blessed that happened. I am an R.N. who worked for many years in a Rehab center & then on psych unit. In the process I cared for many persons who were older. In both settings, family dynamics were important when working with our patients, as they are on this site.

Depending on her physical health, making her feel "needed" May help her.. like I need a hand can you help with dishes, don't make it sound like "you need to do this"

I wouldn't expect her to do chores because first of all she could feel like she is being belittled. but if she expresses an interest in certain chores for example, doing the dishes or laundry or windows etc, I would let her do them as she wishes, it might help her to feel like she belongs and praise her for doing things no matter how menial to show her appreciation and that you notice what she has done. on the flip side many people who move into others homes feel like they are invading on the responsibilities of the home owners. and feel like they will only cause problems. let her/him do as they feel comfortable doing. and remember you too will be that age one day and probably be facing the same losses think about how you would feel.

I say no. Definitely not if she has dementia/Alz. She can get hurt very easily.
I suggest you take her up to the local senior center. They play bingo and other games as well as eat a lunch. The company of others is what will pick up her spirits. At first she might not like it, but in a short time she will have made friends. Don't make an elderly do chores.

Can't wait to go to that senior center, play bingo and eat lunch. How about you Emjo, have you been yet? I'd rather stay home and help with chores.
My point is that many seniors simply do not want to go out and be social. I am too much of a bossy boots to be made to do what is good for me.
Owl Eyes please stay with us you have some excellent experience to share. Your rehab and psych experience will be especially helpful.

I tried the chore idea with my MIL but having dementia she would lose intetest and walk away from her task so we no longer do that. For her it just doesnt work. Gage your loved ones capabilities is the best you can do.Requiring they do so is probably not very realistic.All are in my thoughts and Prayers.

My mother-in-law loved to fold laundry and would sit for hours in front of the TV doing this. We often took the piles into the other room and mixed them up so she could keep folding. Safe, nothing breaks, and she was kept busy feeling useful. On the other hand, when a senior won't go to any other outside resource, this quickly became a nightmare. When my husband would go to the bathroom or down to the cellar to put a load of laundry in, she wanted to know where he was and why he had left the room. Let them stay home, Veronica91, and while YOU wouldn't want to go, anyone taking care of you or me or anyone else for that matter will be SO GLAD you did. Boredom made a prison for all of us here.

At 87, she can still do a few things, but if she is physically impaired or has dementia, it might be difficult to complete a task. My Mom is 90 and can help peeling potatoes and making her bed but that is the limit of her capabilities with moderate dementia.

Find some small chores you can do together to build her confidence and make her feel useful and contributing to the family. It's so important that they still feel they are useful and helping. Start small so it's not overwhelming and she can complete with success. Then build from there.

Are there things you can retrieve from her old life that are meaningful? Pictures, chair, lamps, rugs -- that you could create a little of her past home in a corner or her room in your home? She is grieving and it is very tough to just give it up and start over.

Also, maybe get her involved at senior center or other activities and groups where she can meet new people and develop new friendships and activities outside the family if she is able.

87 years old....and you want a house keeper...well..Hope you have hospitalization and doctors coverage for her...when is the last time you ran a vacuum or wiped a sink or cleaned a toilet...at 87 it is likely that she has brittle bones...and soon after launching her into cleaning..she will have a broken him..and from laying in bed get bed sores and infections..and IF she lives through it..you will have more work on your own hands that if you cleaned your own house or hired a house keeper ...I AM 56 year old MAID and I get tried easy...at her age...YOU are asking way to much...Have her peel potatoes..make a salad for lunch..or dinner..wash a few dishes...but no dusting or vacuuming...if you think she needs to earn her keep....at this age...get her sit and fold laundry...or sit and dust some nic nacs...but making beds and doing laundry from washer to dryer is too much...she is not gonna be moving that fast..and she needs to adjust to the new situation...but I would NOT have my 86 year old Mother in Law cleaning my house.....Maybe you should have her read you the bible on the part about WIDOWS and how taking advantage of them is NOT looked on FAVORABLY at all by GOD!!

Older people need exercise too especially if Alzheimer's has entered their life.
What ever they used to do they can still do with cuing. Last thing you need is to wait on someone hand and foot. what is so hard about making a bed? it is not that older [eople need to earn their keep, but older people need to feel valued and sometimes we are defined or have identity through what we do.

An older person is still alive. My 86 (almost 87) year old worked outside the home until she was 82, by choice.
It is her room every thing in there is hers from her own home, pictures of her and her husband, when they were younger and older are all around, her husband died 11 years ago. What harm does it do anyone...?

My Mom is nearing 90 and she still wants to go for a walk. I take her once or twice a week around the cul de sac in front of my house. She is more alert and chatty after she walks. I walk very slowly for her and have been encouraging the use of a cane for stability. She also folds her own laundry, peels potatoes and when she remembers she makes her bed. It is all I can expect from her and I certainly do not berate her if she doesn't do something or follow through on the entire job. She has moderate dementia and often forgets what she was doing.

Yes, folding laundry is great, especially towels. My mom used to like to fold towels because there is nothing complicated about doing that. When the big ones got to be a little difficult, we gave her the smaller ones to do instead. She felt like she was contributing plus it was some form of activity for her since she had so much nervous energy at the time.

I only need to do laundry once a week though so it isn't enough. She is having trouble doing just about everything, from bringing her dishes to the sink to making her bed.

It is her "time" to rest. Why should she be made to do chores????? After performing them yourself for almost 70 yrs, would you feel you need a break from this?
If she really wants to in order to be considered "vital" it is a good thing. If she is pretending out of some sort of guilt, then it is a bad thing. Has she asked you to allow her to perform any duties? If not, please let her get some rest and explain to her she needn't be concerned about not earning her way. Namaste

May be true for most people but my mother sat and read books all her life. She never did much more than make food and fold laundry. We kids did the rest. Until we all left, then no one did anything. She likes folding laundry and we were always expected to carry our own dishes to the sink where we scraped and stacked them and then went out to do barn chores. Saturday AM's after barn chores we spent our day washing a weeks worth of dirty dishes, scraping out pans that had been left with food in them, soaking and scrubbing them. We had to do them in 'batches' like laundry, which we also did. She folded.

There are many answers that say, basically, it depends, and I would say that it probably does.

My mother is about to move-in with me. She is still doing her own chores. I told her it is my opinion that she needs to have some chores and that we'll work out what they'll be. Initially, she was against it, thinking she might be asked to cook (which she hates) and I know part of her belligerence on the subject has to do with her fear that I'll pick things for her that she won't like.

When she's visited, she sets the table, strips her bed when I do the laundry and similar things and I think she'll continue to be willing to do these things. But I also know she feels like she's not needed by anyone, anymore, and I'm hoping a few routine chores will help her more than they help me.

Sometimes, when she's visiting, she'll sit around talking about how she's such a burden and how she makes more work for me. But I then point-out that she helped set the table, which is helpful, and that means that she really has chipped-in to help around the household -- so, I point out that I do do more dishes when she's here but she helps in other ways to even it out. And, when I do this, the light bulb goes on over her head and she admits that she didn't see it that way, but that if she does a little bit where she can that she's chipping-in, after all.

Once, again, might not be your situation, but just telling my own story in case it helps someone else think of ways to deal with the situation.

If it is in her personality to be helpful she will probably want to help and you should let her. You will easily be able to assess her abilities and let her do the things she truly can do without you or your wife having to redo everything she does. My mother liked to fold clothes, cook when she was able, wash dishes on occasion when her strength was good,etc. she didn't want to be waited on or babied. My MIL on the other hand acted like a surly teenager if asked to do anything, purposely doing things wrongs or half-assed so as not to be asked to do anything. Even things she volunteered to do were done with so much groaning and sighing that I just told not worry about anything I would take care of whatever needed to be done.