Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

Encourage your MIL to remove cloths from washing machine and spread it,fold it in when dried and prepare them for ironing.

I agree that feeling needed and helpful is important. And .. there's more than that. Daily activities .. whether it's household chores, exercises to strengthen aging muscles and mind, or socializing (I'm sure others can and will list more .. but you get the idea) is critical to being .. and to being alive.

I have three personal rules:
Love
Laugh
Learn
.. every day. Every. Single. Day.

Aside from making life more enjoyable .. it keeps us alive and healthier.

My mom can't do much because she is wheelchair bound, but I do bring the dish strainer of just washed dishes in for her to wipe and she gets to fold the laundry. She does them well. And if I am not in a bad mood or in a hurry, she helps me cut up the vegetables for salad. Some days I am just too short tempered, but other days she does a lot. I am so thankful she likes to put puzzles together -- the 100 piece ones. It makes her feel good to accomplish these tasks and is good for her brain too!

Yes,Yes,Yes as long as she is physically able to, I'm sure there is something she is capable of doing. Dont fall into my trap I do everything,and its too much. She must have done things at her home,right? Even if its something you would delegate to a child to do, keep here as active and involved as possible, you all will benefit from it

This original question is from August 2011 ... Why does it keep popping up in our emails as if it is the question needs a pending answer? It seems to me that there are enough current questions that need addressing!

ya think she could make a bag of mortar?

Is he or she able to do very simple things for self, such as dressing? I does not have be done alone, but the assistant may face the wall while the elderly person tries to button or unbutton a blouse or shirt, for example.

What would she like to do?
What can she do?
Put your heads together and jam....maybe she needs a little space however before this conversation...she is depressed... be sensitive....be patient...include her in your life.....you may see where she fits in the best...

This is a tricky question. Once I had an idea to put pictures to memories. She became so stressed trying to write. I didn't know that would happen and felt bad. I'm thinking about pulling out the watercolors and paper to see if she would enjoy this activity. She cannot do home activities anymore. Keep searching.

It depends on her and how well she is and how much she wishes to help. I think you are fortunate if you don't have to help with toileting and all that. It's not easy for someone that age to do anything... unless unusually able. And don't you think maybe she deserves a little rest? But I know how hard it all is.

I'm learning to allow my dad to do what he can. He likes to cook, so we ask him to cut up vegetables for a dish. Or to fold his clothes after laundry. Easy but necessary task. It makes him feel needed.

My parents recently moved in with us. Dad has Az and was used to being outdoors all day. I have him water the tomatoes, etc, and take old bread out to feed the birds. He also likes to vacumn.. my carpets have never been so clean! He likes to shop also, so I have him read the ads in the paper. Mom is sharp but frail.. but she is a house cleaning machine ( a room or so a day) and does the laundry. It does help them as well as me.. sometimes I feel like I have nothing to do, even if I do have to redo some things. I try to keep them busy and they feel needed and not like a "burden"

I never expect anything from anyone. I hope for the needed results but never expect, you'll be disappointed every time.... Do give her busy work. Maybe if y'all phrase things like.. I really need your expert help, you always kept everything so perfect can you please show me how you do (whatever it is you want done) and I do encourage grief counseling and walks if she is able.

My fiance's grandfather has no desire to do activities. He'll just watch tv or look out the back door (we have turkey & deer that come throughout the day). He has always viewed housework as "women's work" yet he often helps me with folding towels, shirts on hangers & putting away dishes. He is very physically capable, & I want him to move. If I ask "will you help me" He is almost always immediately helps!

If you have children or grandchildren nearby, some relatives enjoy helping them master math facts using flashcards. Design brief organizational activities. For example, my mother helped me organize all of my earrings into old ice tray containers . The keys to finding help (this is just in my situation) is to consider my mother's strength, interests, and a truly helpful task. She is also very willing to fold certain things because her way was better than mine. I ask her to brush the dogs, and she is so faithful in that. This winter, she is going to read some of our favorite books from my childhood aloud while I knit and sew. Her fingers hurt if she tries to knit or sew. The print is usually bigger in children's books, and we are both looking forward to it. Best wishes!

If Mom can even try to put her jacket on to go out, that counts as doing something for herself instead of always waiting for someone else to do it for her.

Great answers here! I say let her do what she can and wants to do, also with your oversight and from a bit of a distance so she doesn't feel watched. I just love this web site and am so grateful for your calming advice. Thank you to all that take the time to participate. It's so welcomed and appreciated.

Hi..I see that it has been 2 years since you posted the question about your mom moving in with you. I haven't gone through every other comment considering it's been so long ago you asked this question. I was wondering how things have been over the first year of adjustment and since then? I just moved back home with my 89 year old mom and it's a warpath every decision, every question i ask her, every suggestion i give. She is the DIVA of housework and still tries to push herself to do it...including moving furniture. I have caught her several times and stopped her. Her response is 'I use to be able to do this I don't see why i have to stop now'. Then I have to remind her of her recent hospital trip and the results we were told of it and the new adjustments she needs to make. It is truly difficult for an elder to give up their 'independence' to another person and rely on them.
My mom is having a time of it because her house is a 2 story with basement and attic. So she was used to climbing staircases. Now she no longer can, yet the medical help that comes in toys with her mind and when they discuss her doing steps they make her feel as if she could, but then they turn and say...it's too soon to be doing steps. I refuse to let her do them 'on my watch'. I told her only do them if and when a home care aide is present. She was preparing 'Sunday Dinner'...She started to peel and slice potato's and of the 6 she got 4 done before she had to quit and call me in. I was in another part of the house doing something else before I went to get a drink and saw her mess in the kitchen. ROFL. So i started to help her finish what she started. That dinner prep wore her out so bad that she actually slept well for a change. Usually she'd be up and in the kitchen at 10:30, midnight..maybe even 1 am snacking.


Bottom line is I'm doing the 'chores' and mom does super light cleaning provided they are capable of doing so. I see no issue with elderly parents doing light things...making their own bed, keeping their own bathroom clean(but not super clean), dusting, folding laundry that you take care of). If they have been told by the doctor they can't do steps...it's wise to keep it that way and to not have them doing daily chores or expect them to do what they use to do 20 years ago when they were healthier.

Elders get depressed when they can no longer help out with chores so it is good to at least try to involve them with the little things...even if it is only drying a few dishes after you wash them..or just putting them away after you wash and dry. To totally deny them participation in any chore is to tell them they are useless..which will cause withdrawal and depression and a very bitter attitude.

Let her do what she can and wants to but don't expect her to work for her keep just because she is living in your house.

If she is in good enough health to help you should at least ask her to fold towels, set the table, etc. or do something that is within her limits. Getting a person busy will take their mind off any depression they may be feeling. She would probably benefit from being around others if her health is permitting.

At 87 don't plan on her cleaning the house or mowing the lawn, she has pretty much paid her dues in life, but try to find small things and ask her if she would please help you do this or that.

If a 90+ Mom can use a fork or spoon to eat, that counts as independence, also!

If she is able, getting her involved around the home could help to make her feel "important" still "needed" and lastly "helping/ caring" for her family by allowing her to do or asking her to do simple task that she could be able to around the home. This will actually help this senior have some aspect of independence and a less feeling of dependence.

My mother is almost 94 and can still use her walker to go to the dining room at her assisted living. Assisted living in taking good care of her!!

Maybe but probably not the way we would like them done...my husband unloads the dish washer so he thinks and leaves the clean dishes all over the counter..but the dish washer is empty..lol

Laney .. that's hysterical! Thing is .. it's still a *good* thing. It really doesn't matter, for our elders ~what~ they do, even if we feel the need to re-do it (be nice, tho, don't let them see ya do it). Mostly, it's about letting them feel wanted, needed and capable of contributing .. besides being busy and keeping their minds active. A dead mind is .. oh, geez .. you complete the sentence.

No! You should not expect her to help around the house. But, you should let her, even encourage her. When seniors get older and circumstances change so that they must be removed from familiar surroundings, in most cases they will feel in the way and even a burden to you. Let her know that you are joyed at having her with you and your wife. Tell her she is welcome to help do anything she can or wants to, but never tell her that you expect her to do her fair share. She will go from feeling like a burden to feeling like a prisoner. Be blessed.

Ny dad likes to take out the trash, and walk the dog. I do my best to keep him out of the kitchen, but he still does a few things there for himself. When I'm working in the garden, I have him turn the water on and off. Old people want to feel useful and capable.

I have read the question and all the answers... there would be nothing I could add..the advice from this site is the best and has helped me a lot. Just make sure she feels like its her home also. She will eventually dig in and get back to her life. If she doesnt do something to your liking or your wife's, fix it later...she wont stay healthy sitting around being waited on.

My Mom does the dishes (and always has! I hate that!). She's 93, uses a walker, is mentally bright but structurally challenged. Pretty often, she laments that she wishes she could do something to help me (I'm 64, and she lives with me in a good-sized house on an acre in the boonies). I wish she'd believe me that doing the dishes is a HUGE help! (Did I say how much I hate that?!). Her main purpose and help is just being with me - the company is priceless!

No, you can't expect her to help around the house, don't be silly. She's 87. Have some respect.

If she WANTS to help, though, that's a different matter. When she's ready, when she offers, be glad and encourage her - it'll make her feel useful and wanted.