Can I expect my 87-year-old mother-in-law to help with chores around the house?

she is elderly..should she want to do something I am sure since she knows and has
done it All her life..she will..let her rest..and relax...she took care of You.
she knows how to do things..she will if she can I am sure..even so; let her be
herself. :)

I think I said this before, but I will again. Animals are the most unconditional sources of love and attention we can be graced with. There are many senior cats and dogs that would love some attention and would give the elderly a reason to keep on trucking, open up your home to a little furry guy and give ma or pa the role of caring for them to the best of their abilities. An animal will listen to a person talk to them for hours about the same thing over and over and will love being stroked, good for the person stroking, lowers the bp and keeps everyone happy, just a thought as an animal lover, win win for all.

my mother is wheelchair bound and 92 but she loves to look at the mail for me. She is like my assitant. She opens it and sorts it. She also puts my bills in the envelopes and puts the stamps on them and looks at the checks to see if I signed them, ha. She helps put picyures in albums and helps fold clothes sometimes. She just wants feel like part of whatever is going on. She is very positive and happy. She really looks forward to church and riding with us to the grocery store.

..give her little towels to fold..

Once I do one thing, its all over I'm stuck doing it forever. I'm in over my head. If your MIL wants to help let her even if you have to help her. I'd love it.

Noahbb, LOL, so true, once I do something once, my mother will never ever do it again!

I asked my mother, straight out, what chores she was able/capable of doing to help out, and at first she would empty the cat box, wash her clothes, but after awhile she would not do these things and even would just drop her dishes into the sink and walk off. After awhile, I just had to accept that she was not able to do much of anything, and it was just up to me to do it. I just accepted my job. The acceptance and not thinking about the inconvenience, etc., took some of the anger/resentment away. She doesn't have much longer to live (she is 91 now). I just hope that I will be able to take care of her need and they won't get out of my control that I will have to turn her over to the State...she does not have the money for assisted living or a nursing home.

Love it Madeaa. Seabeans61 that's a great idea. My mom will fold a few towels if it takes a few hours a just take over. But 91 you are doing a great job. God Bless you.

college loving your mom.

Well, my mother is in pain most of the time with her back, shoulder, etc. I can say that sitting most of the time watching TV, doing crosswords, and not doing much else will render us ALL with these ailments. I don't want to end up deteriorated like that, so I have started Pilates, and going to the gym to keep my muscles from atrophy. I sleep better and feel up to the job by doing this. I would recommend this to anyone who is carrying their life load and that of a parent(s). It helps. I will try to find a support group locally to see if it helps to find someone who like to to walk and talk and is doing the same thing that I am doing.

We all need a purpose for living, without a purpose we die, so you should not take everything away from a parent or MIL/FIL they need to feel needed. Ask her if she would "help you set the table" or "help you fold the towels and tell her where they go." If you ask for "help" it makes them feel needed and they are more inclined to pitch in and give you a hand.

If she is ill and does not feel as though she can do anything, then you have to just let it go and take care of chores yourself. She may actually be afraid to get up and do anything, because this is YOUR HOUSE and she doesn't want to overstep her boundaries and upset you or your wife. She may be afraid that if she does something wrong you may ask her to leave so she is sitting quietly trying to stay out of the way.

You basically need to invite her into your home and tell her it is her home as well. Asking for help is a good ice breaker and both you and your wife and then MIL need to figure out how much she is capable of doing and does she actually WANT to do it. Letting her just sit and do nothing will lead to dementia (happened to my Mom) and depression. Lighten things up with some fun outings if possible, she needs to see that life is still going on out there.

No. There is your answer. Well at least it is like that in my home, ha! Only 80 though. However, she does clean her bedroom every single day.

Hi, there are wonderful comments and ideas above! I thought I'd mention, observing a family elder in his 80s, that he has the best of intentions in the morning regarding household chores, but by the early afternoon he's napping, and later in the day he's in pain and needs to simply stay put. So, we've felt that we want to encourage participating, but not assume that there will be a 'schedule.' It's turned into ' How's today and do you want to go grocery shopping with us?' or 'Today you seem tired, how about using the grocery checklist and then we'll call you from the store and you can add to the list..!' The 'involvement' with family activities can take many forms - it may be conversation from the armchair, or actually walking to the kitchen - as long as there's 'involvement ' and a sense of being participatory, that 's what counts. A 'bad day' doesn't have to be 'an isolated day' for the elder. Developing a family culture in which it's perfectly acceptable for household chores to be 'scaled according to energy' seems important, so the elder doesn't feel a) guilty about dropping a task done yesterday; or b) isolated due to pain.

My Dad doesn't get around well in the home, but often busses his glasses/cups or meal dishes to the kitchen. I don't ask him to do it, but always tell him it's appreciated. He uses a motorized cart out of the home, so when grocery shopping I'll send him off for something on the list, and have him meet me with it, then repeat the process. He positively beams when driving through the store with a purpose. He's passed family and just waves, off on his hunt. He sometimes gets up to let "his" dog into the house from the deck. As a very good DIY person in his younger years, I also use him for advice on projects I'm undertaking. The more he contributes, the more he feels still needed and not just a burden.

I think that the issue that lies with most of us caregivers is that we must work for economic reasons, no exceptions. It is best to get the elder's care situation under control before the caregiver either must quit her job to help with eldercare, and therefore placing her own financial future in trouble, or if unemployed, such as I am, to get retrained and obtain new employment in order to sustain the caregivers' own economic stability. Remember, stability comes first if you need to help someone else. Unless the family is rich and can afford to have the family at home to help? How about a Caregivers' Reform to allow the elderly to remain at home where they are most familiar with their surroundings and therefore able to obtain the required help in order to avoid financial strain on the family members. Should the government help out for long-term care in the home, not counting Medicare for Hospice care?! Yes, I truy believe this can be possible.

Are YOU the SAME person who asks this. Please if u cant do things yourself..then
have someone come help YOU!!..if she wants to some little chores..she will..I am sure if she is able to.she will of course.
Please. Elderly ppl are frail.

Even the elder's very basic functions such as some simple chores, walking, dressing and eating for himself, with supervision available for safety, are encouraged, if possible. Elders in need are still people to be respected with dignity, disabled or not.

It would depend on her physical decline and of coarse safety. Everyone needs to feel appreciated and that they are a contributing factor. If she feels that she is capable of doing it and it is safe, not too hard on her by all means let her do it. Activity is essential and it will keep her focused. Best wishes to you all.

based n her age and flttness flnd apprprate tasks, settlng the table, dustlng, waterlng the plants, foldlng the dlsh towels. My MlL never had t d anythlng fr herself, always had smeone coklng and cleanlng for her, even though she ls spry and has her wltts, she refuses to even do the smallest of tasks, her resourses are small now as famlly took advantage of her when hlred them to do all thls when she Llved alone. She says she ls a lady and desnt have to work, unfrtunately thls entltled attltude has left her lonely because she acts superlor, even wlth people her own age.

What we did for our mother was set her down finally and told her to stop being so negative and acting superior and to help by picking up her dishes/cups, etc., and she always keeps her room very neat. She just needed to hear it, that's all.

No, it is unrealistic to expect a person of her age to do housework. I am 57 and have a lot of difficulty doing it.

My MIL loved to dust with one of those "new-fangled" disposable dusters. It kept her occupied and feeling important and there wasn't much that she could hurt or get hurt with!

I think finding something small that she can do is ok. Like it has been said, it will give them a sense of 'neededness' and a feeling a contribution. Since my mom has moderate dementia, her ability to do those things 'right' is greatly reduced. She performs much like a child where you might have to re-do it. But by no means should you correct her or fix it in front of her. I have to very often come behind my mom and re-do what she just did. Give her something to do that isn't so crucial that it be done right.

Lots of good ideas and advice here! Welcome Nelkster! My 84 year old mother gets very depressed if she doesn't have things to do. You might discuss the depression with her medical professional. My Mother now takes 20 mg Celexa daily and this has helped her cope with all the changes we imposed on her because of dementia. She lives with us and I need to find ways to make her feel productive and needed. She sets the dinner table, peels potatoes, dusts, waters plants, etc. I stopped ironing shirts (unless really needed) long ago but Mom now irons my husband's shirts regularly and he says how much he appreciates it. She beams! The phrase I use is "will you help me?"
Do you have a senior center nearby? I have Mom go for BINGO once a week and to an exercise class once a week. It's great socialization. After the exercise she will sit with some of the ladies and play rummy. She always comes home in a better mood.
Don't get me wrong. We are not living a fairy tale here. Mom has forgotten that her parents and my dad passed years ago. So she thinks I'm an awful human being because I won't tell her their phone numbers. If anyone knows the are code for heaven I'd be grateful for the number! LOL Be well everyone. Bee

My mother is bed ridden now, but I agree with everyone else. You have to make them feel like they matter and they are still useful. Did you bring any of the stuff she had that meant a lot to her? Having some of her stuff around her makes a difference, even if it's just small things. Let her do what she thinks she is able to do and make sure you put some of her stuff in her room or around the house, so she want feel like she has lost everything. Make her feel like she is love and wanted and that she does matter. No one knows how long you have with your loved one's, so make every day count and always make them feel loved and wanted. Like they did to you all those years you were growing up and even when you grew up. Don't make her feel like she is a burden. God bless and good luck.

I have started leaving hints for my mom around the house to let her know I need help and it's been working. She is 75. I bring bottled water in from the car and leave it in the bag. She later puts it away if she wants cold water..She knows I barely drink it. She sorts her clothes for laundry because I suck at laundry. And Lately I have been leaving sm.amts of dishes in the sink and she is washing them. This is like a miracle for me. She does state she is bored. So we will probally go swimming or to the movies more often..God Bless Everyone.

So much of dealing with dementia is like dealing with a child ---- BUT different, too. Remember that love, respect, and patience go a long way -- hope and prayer will take you the rest of the way!

I had said before that there was very few things I can trust to leave for mom to do alone. For one thing she performs the jobs kind of like a child so they are somewhat helpful but I have to go behind her and redo some of them. For example, putting the dishes from the dishwasher away. The items end up in unusual places. But I suppose we kind of have to let go that things have to be perfect. It's more about letting them feel needed. I do give her the task of watering the plants in summer or putting away a little laundry. I do my own. I try to find things that we do together so she will keep on task and have the company at the same time.

Making her feel needed is the key. Even if what she does is not up to your standard at least she tried and you can finish up while she is asleep without her knowing.

Encourage your MIL to remove cloths from washing machine and spread it,fold it in when dried and prepare them for ironing.