Executor's fee? Do you feel like it's fair?

I am executor for my mother's estate. I will not be taking an executor fee, because I do not want to hurt my relationship with my sister. When my grandmother died, our uncle as executor took the full amount allowed, which, given my grandmother's assets, was about $100,000. We thought that was greedy and it led to a lot of resentment. We don't speak to him or our cousins.

how much is an executors fee typically? A flat amount, a percent of the estate, how is that figured? I realized it is not intended to cover caregiving before dying, but it often seems the case is the primary care giver also becomes the executor. I think with a cousin the executor fee was set relatively high (IMHO) to help recognize all the work my cousin and his wife did for my aunt and uncle before they died, that no other siblings did.

Take it. My mom is one of six. She was the one helping my grandmother 90% of the time with time and finances. My grandmother left her substantially more to compensate as my mom would not accept payment from my grandmother when she was alive. Siblings were mad and one said the same thing. I was 34 at the time and couldn’t fully wrap my head around the upset. Now at 48 I get it. Her sister was ok with someone else doing all the work, taking on all the stress and losing time and peace of mind being in the trenches for free so THAT is how family treats family? Leaving one person to do all the work and then when there is a reward in the end you shut that down? That’s how family treats family? Instead of saying “wow, so glad for you, you did a lot. You deserve it. Glad mom had you...”

It sounds like your husband’s sister was stingy with her time and efforts when it was needed and now she wants to be stingy with giving thanks. She can kick rocks!!!

The fee is yours UNDER THE LAW. Period. It is accepted and expected legally for the work. Tell the sister-in-law that you will happily turn executor duties over to a lawyer who will collect 300 and hour for his work.
And tell the sister in law that I am 76 and have been around a lot, and in my humble opinion this is just EXACTLY what happens to families at the end of life of their elder. They fight like starving dogs for every scrap left. So sorry, after all you have done, that there is no recognition of what you have done. It is as sad as it is par for the course.

Your SIL is hardly an expert on how to treat family. Take the fee.

Yes he should take the money you both put in the work! And it’s not the type of job anyone would want to do . My family was a little upset when they say heard my brother the executor was getting 10,000 for my Dad when he died. It’s a lot of work though and it’s not something everybody would want to do . The way we look at it is now we’re all good with it now even the one who was a little bit jealous about it but that same person is the person who gave the least help to parents . What I always say is “do you want to do all the work required and have him change the executor to you ? That usually scares those people to shut up . My brother had to go to Social Security and file for it and took off work many times and was afraid he was gonna lose his job etc. not a easy job

Take the fee. 100%.

The abstract construct of money turns all the nice “Dr. Jekylls” into seething “Mr. Hydes.”

Respect the law—-
The probate laws provide for the executor—by statute. All those legislators created these laws for a reason. These laws were not created yesterday, but hundreds of years ago, when your very state was founded.

These state laws are rooted in legal history. (They actually go back to ancient Greco-Roman law).

Respect the wishes of the Deceased— as executor that is your duty.
This percentage allowance is not just set by the laws of your state, it was also set by the person who chose the executor for the job and knew the executor would get that extra percentage. Lawyers always make this very clear when preparing a will.

If the Will specified to give you the diamond engagement ring, this is just as clear.

The person creating the will (who chose the executor, but did not agree with the statutory percentage) could choose, for example, to “balance” by giving extra money or the engagement ring to the other person.

No one decent would ever complain about this.

The real question is .....
If you give them your money, are they going to like you more?

That is for you to decide.

Next... they will complain about the hutch, the family photos, the golf clubs. They probably already are.

It is hard to lose one person and find you really “lost” another too (when you see their greed, jealously, selfishness...). You are not alone.

Tell him to take it. It's perfectly legal and his sister needs to stop whining about it. As you said, she only contributed 20% to the time and effort it took to take care of your in laws. Your husband needs to outline to his siblings that it's because of his efforts, alongside yours, that they're inheriting anything at all so they need to be grateful about that.

Is the fee a state law or a federal law?

There is a reason a fee for the Executor is written in the agreement. It involves alot of hard work and your husband deserves it. There are 5 of us kids and my brother was the Executor for my mom's estate. She lived with him and after she died he had the responsibility of settling all of her affairs, paying bills and ect. He also made sure we all got even shares of what was left over. He deserved to be paid for all of that and all of us wanted him to have it.

My mother named me as Executrix for her and my father. I was assured I would get an extra portion just for being the Executrix.

I cared for my father for 7.5 years after Mom passed; I helped him to remain as independent as possible - finally moving him into a new mobile home placed in my front yard.

When the time came to settle the estate, 2 lawyers told me that family doesn't generally take the Executor's fee and I thought long and hard and decided not to push the issue and divided everything equally with my sisters. I have no regrets. I wasn't stupid - I always knew that the day might come when I would be the one needing assistance from my sisters - and I pray it doesn't come to that.

Talk to your attorney - you have to go to an attorney for Probate - ask for advice. I asked for advice. I was happy with my 1/3 of the estate, and no, it wasn't a huge estate. But I felt joy that I had done what my parents had asked of me, without worrying about "earning" more money. Both my sisters earned way more than my meager minimum wage - but I came out the winner.

I am my dad's guardian/conservator. Out of us 4 kids, I am the only one that has anything to do with his care. I am also his executor on his will and personal representative for his advance directive. I plan to take whatever the law allows when it comes time to settle his estate. I know I will be the only one doing all the work while my siblings sit and wait for their inheritance.

The estate fee has nothing to do with caregiving. It is to compensate the Executor/ Executrix for the time and effort of handling work for the estate. When someone dies rather suddenly/without the need for caregiving, and has left a lot to be settled in their estate (contents included), or perhaps there is someone wasting the estate's money in challenging the will (or almost challenging it with "frivolous" court actions (1404 hearing in NYS, for example)), etc. there is more than enough work to occupy one's time & efforts with legal matters while the other beneficiaries are free to do as they please with their lives, time and effort while waiting to collect their inheritance.

If the Exec is a friend/non-family member, handling an estate can still take a lot of time and cause stress in dealing with beneficiaries and those who aren't included for one reason or another. Rarely is the fee sufficient to cover the work involved, IMHO.

Caregiving for years, losing out on income, using one's own assets to do what we're unable to do with our time & strength, saving the estate so there are assets to be distributed - there are so many "above and beyond" investments that we end up making as caregivers, with often little or no help from others (sometimes worse), "[t]his isn't the way family treats family" when others are so greedy/ avaricious/unreasonable in many ways.

This topic is one of several close to my heart. I wish you well and Godspeed in handling your remaining responsibilities, and condolences for the loss of your loved one.

My widowed, childless Aunt left her estate in percentages to all her nieces & nephews. Though all were included, the percentages varied based on how close each was to her. I and 1 other cousin got the most because we always included her in all family-related functions & helped her in her later years. In fact, we were making plans to move my Aunt to our home just a month before she passed. Anyway, this 1 cousin was named executor & my Aunt knew she wouldn’t take her fee. To ensure my cousin would be compensated properly, my Aunt upped her percentage considerably. Brilliant, wasn’t it?

Hubby needs to acknowledge his worth. And yours.

Take the full fee. Your dh is legally and morally in the right to collect it.

Would his siblings be complaining if a professional was doing the work?

The reason there are fee schedules for executing Wills is due to the time it takes to handle the complications of settling an estate. Do not compare the fee to the care provided prior to death, those two things are not linked.

Care provided prior to death should be reimbursed during life and should be wholly separate from the estate.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the executors fee. You did a good portion of the care giving. Your relatives perceive you're getting something for nothing. My sister in law takes care of my mother in law and I am happy for her to use my MIL's money for her care and expenses in the home. If there is nothing left in the end that's fine. I don't have to do it, disrupt my life and schedule and freedom and that's worth all the money in the world to me. I suggested when she took her in that she take rent and a care giving fee from MIL's money. Adding an extra person to the household is huge time and cost. I'm taking care of my mother and I understand what a huge job it is, and she doesn't even live with me. Take the fee don't feel guilty about it. Just because it's family does not mean you can't get some compensation.

Yes, it's fair, and no one should be angry about it. You did a lot more for them than your siblings did - saved her a whopping amount of money having her live with you. I can empathize with you about the siblings who are being jerks.
My mother didn't live with me, but I was the one that did the running for her because I lived the closest; I was the one that put up with her nastiness and temper tantrums, too; went to the doctor with her; went shopping with her when the NH had outings. When she passed away, it was another sibling that said that one of my other siblings should get it because they paid for one item a very long time ago. No one considered my more recent expenses - not the financial, nor the emotional costs that came with being there for her. Although I didn't do it for any financial compensation, it would have helped to pay for car repairs and gas, so I can imagine how you feel. You made the sacrifices they are blind to.
I hope and pray your husband can take the money w/o feeling guilty. You deserve a lot more if they're getting an inheritance because of your actions. They owe you.

When my mother made her will years ago, she told me I would receive the fee. She passed away suddenly last year living independently to the end. I have a brother that legally disowned her, now feels entitlement and is disappointed. We are both out of state and there is a big responsibility caring for the house for almost a year to get it sold. My brother is well off financially and I happily live a simple life. I believe the attorney would have reviewed the fee, responsibilities when determining the executor.

I would take the money, you deserve it. Don't worry about SIL, she would most probably take the money if the situation were reversed.

As Executor your husband is entitled by law to a certain percentage of the estate. This isn't how family treat family? How did the siblings treat their parents and you while the parents needed care: that's the question I'd put to them. Please do whatever it takes to get the full amount due your husband. These siblings sound very selfish.

Of course you should take the fee and let SIL stew in her juices. Any lawyer will tell her it’s fair and square. You can bet she would have taken it.

If you can, get as much as you can,
father in law, 65 plus went for a gall bladder operation and came home from waist down, no one knew why. Son did not wanted to put up
$ 5000.00 lawyer retainer, could not live in his big home, wife (daughter)and I convinced them to move into a handicap home, sons objected saying they are too old, we responded that they are not asking for monetary help, built a 2 bedroom home three blocks from us, close to us yet far to be independent , and we took care of them for about 30 years, At their death
splitting estate 5 ways, three daughters and two sons, we did all the work maintaining the home, shopping taking to church doctors and such, the two daughters wanted to include me in the inheritance but boys vetoed the idea, They did not lift a finger to help while in laws were alive.
the girls took $ 3000.00 each and sent us to a European vacation.
note that the boys were well off,
but we are happy to have helped. When we drive by their home we can see them sitting in front of their home waving at us,
Grandpa left us 29 years ago, and grandma 17 years ago.
So, do not be afraid to get as much as you can, get paid for your work.

kdcm1011 - Thanks for your support. It means a lot to hear from you and others on this site who can have an objective take on the situation.

We did make a lot of sacrifices to care for my in-laws. It was the right thing to do but that doesn't mean that it didn't have an impact on us - emotionally and financially.

My husband and I discussed this issue a lot before his meeting with his siblings. He wasn't comfortable taking any of the fee. He doesn't like confrontation so it was really hard for him to fight for that money. Poor guy was in a really hard place between his wife, his siblings and himself.

He was right that his siblings didn't know that he was allowed a fee. In hindsight, he could have brought that up to them at the beginning of this journey so that they could make the decision to be more involved in dealing with her stuff - or not.

People on this site have written a lot about how much time/effort it took to deal with the financial side of an estate. For us, it took so much more time to deal with her possessions. On top of being an accomplished collector, she could be very secretive and hid important papers/ jewelry/money/gift cards in all kinds of places (and then forgot them). Every thing had to be combed through. Yes, I did find her diamond earrings in the sugar bowl! We never did find her good watch (my SIL keeps asking about it and I worry that she thinks I took it).

My SIL felt a bit slighted because she and her hubby took care of his mom for years (money out of pocket for them also) and there was nothing left in her estate when she died. Her MIL passed away six months before her mom did. No doubt, she is dealing with caregiver burnout as well as her own health issues. While I understand her frustration, it doesn't change what happened with the care that we provided for her parents.

This is going to sound like a trite thing to say but at the risk of getting criticized, here goes it.

I always wonder to myself when people care for a loved one, are they doing it out of love or a sense of responsibility. If it's the latter then a financial payoff at the end of it should not matter. Yes, if you paid out of your own pocket for things and you are having a hard time making ends meet then perhaps it's your due.

I guess in the end we all have to live with ourselves and knowing you did the right thing should suffice but I guess this is the real world and knowing you did the right thing doesn't pay the bills But ultimately you are the ones who are better off because you cared enough to help.

Like that Jewel song goes "In the end, only kindness matters"

Agreed, metoo111. My mother would always say “The rich don’t get that way by spending their money”. Seems my brother took that lesson to heart.

The inital meeting with the attorney to begin probate - I asked this brother if he wanted to come. I wanted him to hear a few things straight from the attorney in hopes it would keep my brother from nagging at me regarding the timeline and such.

So, in front of my brother I tell the attorney I don’t want the fee. The attorney just kinda looked at me oddly so my brother says to him “Well, you’ll be doing all the work”. The attorney then looks at me again with his eyebrows raise. A look which said “Is he kidding? What an azz. Should I enlighten him?” I just give that imperceptible slight shake of my head. You know, the one caregivers quickly perfect from having taken a showtiming elderly loved one to the doctors.

And that was that.

Rainmom - Isn't that the way? The ones that have the most are the most stingy.

My husband and I have less income than his siblings and spent thousands out of pocket over the years to care for his parents. When his dad was alive, my commute to get him/take him to the doctor/take him home and get home myself was about 60 miles. His appointments were almost weekly - and that doesn't count the money I didn't make missing work. In ten years of taking him to the doctor, he put gas in my car once.

Yet, the BIL had six weeks of paid vacation each year but needed to take care of his own stuff. Plus, he has a family (one child).

Little does he give credit for the time that I took my MIL to several appointments with three kids in tow (she couldn't walk very far so I pushed her in the wheelchair, my seven year old pushed the one year old in a stroller and the four year old rolled her walker because the waiting room was too small/crowded for the wheelchair).

I also had three kids while I was mowing their yard, cleaning their gutters, getting their groceries, packing them for three different moves as their/her needs changed, etc.

My BIL will tell you that he did his part. I hope his daughter cares for him as well as he did for his mom. Maybe then he will understand that a phone call every couple of days and a meal out once a month isn't the same as providing care.

Money aside, my husband and I have tried to instill the belief that family takes care of family in our three boys.

Your husband should take the fee. He is legally entitled to it and settling an estate is a LOT of work. I took care of my mom from when my dad died in 1979 until my Mom died in 2012. Fortunately, she was healthy for all but the last few months of her life. My brother left home around 1982 and never looked back. My mom gave him tens of thousands of dollars when he lost his job during the economic downturn and could not find employment. My mom told him he had to pay me half the money she had given him when she died. I did EVERYTHING to settle her estate, including selling her house and contents. My brother only called me to keep asking when the estate would be settled. (I was selling my own house at the same time due to divorce...and working full time! And had just adopted a dog. How did I do that, lol??) When the estate settled, I took my executor fee...and was shocked to hear my brother was good with that. I did a LOT of work and felt I earned it. But then I also forgave my brother his debt to me. He had two children in high school and bound for college, and he was working but earning much less than before. I figured my mom would have given me money, too, had I been in his position. Tell your husband to take his executor fee....the WHOLE amount. End of discussion with the siblings!!

Metoo111 - you asked if looking after my mother created a financial hardship for my own family. I’m replying this way as replying to replies of a reply - often get buried.

No. No real financial hardship. But it wasn’t cheap, that’s for sure. The extra in gas alone was crazy. I drive a big Ford Explorer which is ancient. Sure, my choice. But my mother would insist that I drive her to the library branch in her old neighborhood- twenty miles away instead to going to the branch two miles away. Stuff like that - which trying to reason with her on, only causes her to have a complete meltdown.

But for the shopping and the like - since I was DPOA and my name was on one of her checking accounts, I was able to pay for her stuff with her money. She could afford it - she had a heck of a lot more money than I did.

Interestingly enough, I mentioned only one of my two brothers would have gone ballistic if I had taken any payment... That’s the brother that had/has boatloads of money. Second vacation house - a little five bedroom “cabin” in the Columbia River Gorge, ski trips to Utah, Idaho, Canada, European Vacations - lots of etc. etc. My family had less money than either of my brothers - but this brother had more money than all of us combined.

Go figure.

Sorry, didn't read all the posts. So if I repeat forgive me.

As the primary caregivers, he is entitled to the fee. An Executor gets a fee because of the work involved with making sure all bills have been paid. That all involved are informed of the filing of the will.

The one thing, though, is Mom did help pay for your house and her living quarters. How much was that? But then, you were there.

To keep peace in the family, let husband do what he feels is right.

Yes, he should take it. The fee is there for a reason — to somehow compensate / acknowledge the amount of time put in by the executor to settle a person’s estate. My husband didn’t do it when settling his uncle’s estate and has always said that he regrets not doing so. His reasons of “keeping peace” and “doesn’t feel right” were never recognized or reciprocated. Ever. Only he is ever expected to not do something in order to keep family peace.

Not being paid for MIL’s care and the executor fee are 2 separate issues. The 1st you can’t do anything about & should be separate from the 2nd, which we all know is hard to do because it’s just a continuation of you & hubby being taken advantage of & being mistreated by his family. Either way, taking the fee or not, the relationship between hubby & sibling(s) is not going to get any better. What is at risk if your relationship with him. If he doesn’t take the legal & morally acceptable executor fee, then he is (again) accepting his family doormat / scapegoat role. I speak from experience.

Lastly, if you are doing anything to help him with the executor responsibilities, stop now.

I forgot to add, my MIL was the most vocal about my husband not taking the fee because “it’s not right”; yet, when it came time for her to settle her mother’s estate, she had no such reservations. She took her fee & then some.