Ex husband in hospice in my home. Bed ridden. I need help with bowel incontinence. He has a urine catheter.

I can’t believe the hospital wants a complete stranger to them to agree to take this on, sight unseen, with no training on how to care for a frail patient, how to manage his catheter, how to safely move him, managing his oxygen, feeding him, etc.

AND they are trying to tell you his caregiving really won’t be a big deal because he’ll be sleeping a lot?! That is a load of baloney, I’m sorry.

Speaking of sleep, will you be needing to get up at night to turn him every few hours or otherwise assist him?

Please politely refuse to take this on this responsibility. Listen to your head and others here, not your heart. I admire your compassion, but really, as your nurse friend said they are trying to dump the problem elsewhere. If you did take him in, I think you'll quickly realize you are in way over your head. The State of Georgia has a responsibility to ensure his safety, what you can do is be his advocate and make sure that he is taken care of, but not in your home.

Update...
I have been praying off an on and doing research and getting experience from your wonderful people. The first call I got this morning from the hospital case worker, Richard, said that it would be around $9000 to transport him here, to Charleston SC. He suggested a hospice center 5 minutes from the hospital. I googled them. It appears to be very nice, up to date and clean. They only do hospice. It is not a skilled nursing facility. It sounded like it is covered by hospice, Medicare and Medicaid. I mentioned that Nic is a Vietnam vet as well. He said the hospice center will get all of that paperwork started after they talk to Nic tomorrow. The name if the center is Columbus Hospice. Have any of you ever heard of this center?
https://www.columbushospice.com/tour
I had to make that call to Nic and explain to him. I cried. I didn't want him to think I was getting rid of him. That I was only thinking of his comfort. And that I could not afford to hire outside help to help me. That hospice only came 3 times a week and that I would need more help to keep him comfortable. He understood! Hopefully he will be going to Columbus Hospice this week. After that call, I had to call the vet where his dog is being boarded. Again I cried, explaining to them the situation. They were so very kind. They love Balto(a beautiful Malamute husky). They have adopted Balto, for themselves. They will place him, only in a home, with a full background check. They actually came to the apartment where Nic was living to get Balto. I trust them.
But all of you have helped me clam down and make clear headed decisions. It has only been 3 days since all of this started, but it feels like a month.
Thank you for all your experience, strength and hope!

Seriously reconsider this. Once he’s in your home and the hospital has shifted responsibility onto you, it will be so much harder to place him elsewhere if it becomes too much.

I help my paralyzed father with his bowel movements but I was extensively trained by his spinal cord rehab to do so and we have a tidy routine for it. And he is a sweet person so I don’t really mind. I am not otherwise employed and he pays me (not a lot, but still) as his caregiver. But it is still not fun.

Doing all this care this for an ex you hadn’t been with for years, out of your own pocket, sounds unsustainable to me.

Charleston, he can go to a hospice facility that can be paid by Medicaid.

Do NOT take him into your home. Be his advocate, be his kind visitor. Do NOT become his 24/7 caregiver.

The State of Georgia would love nothing more than to get him to you in South Carolina!

Tell the case manager that, for personal reasons, you cannot go forward with their plan and accept him into your home. You do not owe them or your ex-husband any further explanation. I agree with Barb - "Be his advocate, be his kind visitor. Do NOT become his 24/7 caregiver."

Charleston,
Let’s just look at the sheer volume of hours that caregiving for your Ex will take. You have mentioned emptying bags. Catheters. Toileting. There is also bathing and grooming. Will there be meals involved? A feeding tube?Add up those times. Multiply it by time and a half, for days when things don’t go to plan.
Then, add up the hours that you are SUPPOSED to sleep. Subtract time that will be devoted to your Ex in the middle of the night, should that be the case.
Would you be able to work and deliver cakes in the time there is left? Also, hired people call in sick. That would leave you on duty, leaving the potential for you to have to break contracts.
Just some more thoughts for you to consider. I wish you the best.

Few questions for you.
Who is “they”?
If he is an ex you have no responsibility to take this on. And no one can “force” you to take someone into your home.
The Hospice Social Worker can help in finding other options that would be suitable.
IF you do want to take this on Hospice can show you how to care for your ex. You also can have HIM pay for caregivers that can aid in his care

I'm kind of with the others here, wondering why you have stepped up to take care of your EX husband. You obviously are a much bigger person than I am. But all that aside, I'm gathering from the wording of your question, that he is already in your home, so here's what I will share. My husband too was completely bedridden, with a supra pubic catheter, and under Hospice care in our home, for 22 months. I had to hire an aide to come every morning to put him on the bedside commode so he could poop. It did take a little while to get his body on that schedule, but once it was, it worked like a charm. I can tell you it's much easier cleaning someone up, when they are standing(or in my husbands case, being held up,) then trying to clean them while they are laying down. The aide would hold him up, while I wiped and cleaned him.

Also when the Hospice aides come to bathe him,(which they normally come twice a week) if he has any poop in his diaper, they are required to change him and clean him up. I hope that was helpful, and I wish you the very best.

Charleston; I understand that you have a big heart. But right now, you need to practise some self-care and self-preservation.

Your ex's medical issues are the problem of the State of Georgia and the Veteran's Administration. You are an EX wife for a reason, I assume.

Do NOT accept what the hospice worker is proposing. "I can't possibly do that" is all you need to say. "My circumstances don't allow it" is another good line.

We have another poster whose husband is in a similar state; he was also supposed to be "almost dead". He is still here and kicking several months later.

Please. Don't do this.