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My partner and I took a two night stay in Dallas just to get away, relax and have some fun for a change. We paid for a sitter, had food cooked for both of them, brought back gifts for mom etc. just to find out my brother who I let know we were going called my mom asking questions about who paid for this. Her sister had the same questions. I get so tired of keeping every unneeded receipt so we can prove at the drop of the hat who paid for what. They don't seem to care when we show how much we have spent of our money on my mom but if I pick up her six boxes of cereal, 7 quarts of 12/12, her cigs and use her debit card I better not have a coke on the receipt I got at the checkout for me. It's gotten past ridiculous and caused an irreversible split in our family. We have gotten to the point we don't want to see any of my family other than my children and their family. We normally have a huge Halloween with lots of food etc. but making a point to have just enough for us with no invites to eat if any off the others show up....am I being a total A _ _ or just over it after caring for mom for 4.5 years? It might be different if they were helping out either by giving us a break or helping with her overages.

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rfox, you should be using your mothers money if you are hiring someone to care for her in your absence. The receipts are far from useless, save everything in hand and online. If this ever goes to a lawyer, you will need those. Are you getting paid to care for her? You need to see a lawyer, whos the POA? Isnt it insane when the siblings who do nothing, are so worried about their inheritance and not their parent. I would tell them nothing nada, none of their business, just cover yourself with receipts and get to a lawyer asap!
I went to a lawyer as soon as my sibling accused me of taking money. I had taken zero , proved it, and the siblings got a nasty letter from the lawyer. The lawyer told them that I have taken nothing, but I should be compensated for the 24 hour care in my home. I then had a caregivers contract made out and started getting paid. So the wicked siblings did me a favor, shame on them. This was years ago, I saved all the money I got separatelyand when hers ran out, I used it for her again. This kept the money safe from who was not helping is she had died. She is still hanging in there, she may outlive us all. lol
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Palmtrees, you've reminded me of another of those extremely rare occasions when I've felt a pang of sympathy for my POA sister. Back in the day, when probity used to matter, she was a highly regarded corporate investment banker in the City of London. Financial integrity runs through her veins. But when it came to drawing up that sodding POA document, back in the mists of time, mother insisted on Darling Brother holding joint POA so that sister wouldn't be able to take all her money away. To her credit, she's only mentioned it once, and only borderline complaining about it. The additional hours it costs her in terms of arranging joint signatures, tracking DB down, having to copy him in on everything… And for what? So that mother can benefit from his inefficiency and inferior judgment?

As I say, sister gets a drop of my sympathy for that. Evil cackle!
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Wow, my mother has reluctantly placed me as alternate on her POA. My brother has all control of everything legal with no checks and balances. Neither of us are dishonest (at least I think he isn't). She has fought tooth and nail to leave me off everything because for some crazy reason she doesn't trust me, her only daughter and one of two children. After reading all of these posts about the way family members accuse the POA's of inappropriate spending, I am glad I am not in charge of anything. And should my brother die before mom, her attorney will handle her business. Her paranoid behavior is bad enough (and she has no dementia) without me even being able to do anything. It would be crazy for me to try to handle her affairs.
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rfox -as I understand it, you are being questioned in this case not about items you have bought with your mother's money but about items/services you have bought with your own money, None of their business, is my view. On the other hand, you do have to account for the spending of your mother's money, but that does not seem to be your complaint. It is the lack of trust shown by other family members. I don't think you are being a total A** by curtailing your celebrations. They aren't helping you at all, so why extend your hospitality to them. And they may question whose money you are spending on the eats. If they were to come, let them bring something. (((((hugs))))
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I can only sympathise. I console myself by remembering that there is a point, and it's a good one, and if I were filling in tax returns or company expenses I'd be OCD-ing over every last penny, so what's the difference? But I agree with you - it's that stinky miasma of suspicion from your own flesh and blood that makes it all so depressing and poisonous.

Celebrations are really difficult, I agree with you there, too. Am I tripping the light fantastic at my mother's expense if I enjoy the party too? Should I more correctly wear black and sit by the wall supervising?

A despairing official at our grandly named Office of the Public Guardian, when I called for advice on accounting procedures and how much detail was required, ended up with a half-wail "you just have to use your common sense..!" And so you do. But for common sense it seems to be a rare commodity round here :)

I try my best to carry on as my mother normally would have done, given her reduced capacity for socialising, and run things past my POA sister if there is the slightest whiff of anything out of the ordinary. Whichever lawyer back in the mists of time it was who came up with that wonderful word "reasonable" must have died a very rich man indeed. Sigh.
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rfox, I know how you feel. It is like justifying yourself at every turn. It is also a matter of pride. My mother is always talking about how she supports me. I hate that. The only things I get from her is 2 rooms to live in. All my bills and food are my own. Strange how, while doing good, we can be painted as mooches or thieves. It is most maddening.
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No, they have probably reading some of the horror stories posted here and are being abundantly cautious. Mom may be delusional and telling people that someone is taking her money. If APS is notified, they will look for every receipt. If mom ever needs Medicaid, they will need 5 YEARS of receipts.
Believe me, the feds can be very picky and refuse to cover her. It's not pretty, is it.
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