Have you ever wanted to run away?

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Have you ever wanted to run away?

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I really have a hard time understanding why you do this. Has your relationship always been this dysfunctional? You need to figure out what is going on with you. Sometimes we are so tired and/or depressed we cannot figure it out. How about sending along a few more specific situations and I am sure the folks here will have some things they have done to change similar things.
You do not need to heat up her food again. She can potty before she eats. And you can remind her of that along with "the food is hot now and will not be reheated." If she won't eat, it's her loss, isn't it. She may use this behavior as a control issue. She won't let you tell her when she will eat. She will delay and then tell you when she will eat.
How disabled are they? Would some rehab help them be more independent? What about outside help? Is the anything available through elder services?
Your first responsibility is to your immediate family (husband and children) then your parents. Sometimes social services won't help until you won't.

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Hi Skinonna, my marriage is still very strong. I just don't know for how long. He's been moved out 5 months now. We talk/text twice aday and see eachother on Saturdays. I wouldn't call the relationship dysfunctional, just the situation. ?
I give in to mom a lot because it's just easier than listening to it. I pick my battles. Does it frustrate me? YES. Example of a win- last night, she wants beef stew thickened up. Wants me to bring her flour, measuring cup, water, Yellow bowl, green spoon with wood handle. Then she mixes while I strain veggies and and add all back together. I just did myself and was done quicker than I typed this, my way with any ol spoon, any ol bowl and didn't strain. She was ticked but dealt. Sometimes it's good to let her be involved but not in a time crunch. More later, on duty. Lol

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I think you must be amazing, but a little help would make things easier. Getting old is awful, but dying young is worse. My marriage has suffered and we only are at Mom's 2 days a week. But working and taking care of other elderly relatives leaves little time for any other life.

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I start everyday with a smile and end it with tears, exhaustion, and attitude. I keep pushing along because I know when she is gone I will be smacking myself for being so stubborn about little things. She dosnt have much quality. End stages copd. Shut in(gets out 1 per year for doc) and oxygen level 4 out of 5. I can only put myself in her shoes and imagine how difficult and scary it must be for her. If I can sleep at night knowing I did my best to keep her comfortable, then I won't have guilt when she's gone. However, it dosnt make the day to day process any easier let alone the controlling, manipulation, and high maintenence needs she requires. I am grateful her mind is still pretty sharp (to sharp sometimes) and I'm not having to wash up her "artwork" off the walls like some I've read here do.
We just got help coming in thru a local resource agency. Started last week. Only 4 hrs per week but it's a start and my foot is in the door now so will carry me thru hospice. Now we trying to adjust, as in "mom, I'm not going to clean the house so this new person won't see dirt when she comes to clean it." what? Lol seniors say the darnedest things! I'm sorry your marriage is struggling Skinonna, just make the most of time you do have. Maybe trade days at moms? One goes while the other stays home and prepares romantic meal?

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Kritini, I've been torn between guilt about not doing everything I could do working at the hospital and academically not doing everything I could do for my mom, not doing eveything I could do for my family. Academics suffered the most as you can imagine. So I am no stranger to being torn. The only thing I do not get is why total guilt about not providing everything personally for Mom with COPD, but not so much about being separated from hubby. And I don't see how the issue with the bowl was a win win, sounds like she lost you won! Not that you don't need to win probably more than you do...but those little things are the ones to keep in perspective and let her do stuff her way even if it takes longer. Those little things shoudl be little things that don't cost you that much but represent the little things she can still control, when she can't control the big things, namely her life and her health. Refusing to clean for the cleaning people was a good idea though. All they need is stuff picked up off the floor, which BTW I can barely get my son to ever do, he'll say WHY do I have to clean up for the cleaning people?? (My standards are low enough that that reallly IS all I ask...:-)

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Maybe I just assume he'll still be there for me when she's gone. The bowl was just one example of 100's everyday that we go through. I try to let her have her way but as my sister says, I have created this monster. It would be fine if I were not here 24/7 but it has become a control thing now. I am not able to relax. I cannot do the things I know need to be done until she tells me to do them. Dump potty Chair, wash clothes, let the dog outside, ect.. I have acquired a routine in the last 7 years but she switches it up on me. If we need to wash her hair I will say "how about 2pm mom" ? We'll see. I tell her I want to see Grandkids after. She puts it off til too late for either and says we'll do it tomorrow. Repeat. I see my Grandkids for an hour every two weeks or so. They live 2 blocks away. That's why I daydream about runnin away.

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Yeah Kritini, those who haven't lived with a total control freak all their lives can 't really grasp the nitpicky extent of the control. Mom is 96 and only barely starting t show signs of dementia, it is her sister that has it, but they live together and Mom is the same way yours is. I was there full time for a year (we live 5 hours away) and my husband couldn't grasp it even though we skyped every night. Took him coming up for a week over Christmas to even begin to get it. I am raising my 8 year old grandson and we had to skype to say goodnight at 9 every night so he could go to school. Mom would not even start to bed until 9 even though she had been sleeping in her chair for an hour and a half, I had to put in her glaucoma drops, one in one eye then wait 10 minutes then another in both. She would not get around until 10:30 before she would be "ready" for the eyedrops. Had to do her whole routine of getting ready for bed, get two glasses of water, take senna, lotion her feet, etc etc. when I just went on and went in the bedroom to skype she would yell at me every two minutes, "Did I get all the pills out of my dish?" "I knocked down the lotion come find it for me, " etc. She has macular degeneration and claims she can't cook, and hasn't for more than a year but will come in the kitchen and feel and tell me I got the "wrong" potatoes to cook. I am 60, have been married and cooking 40 years, fed three kids, how did I get the "Wrong" potatoes? What are "wrong" potatoes anyway???? Yeah, I get where you are at, and I will pray for you, I haven't got any real answers, but I do understand. Using the bowl and spoon YOU pick can be the biggest "Victory" you can get in a day with one of these...

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Kritini, normally I agree that you have to be pretty selective about which battles to have; but it sounds to me like you're not even battling about the ones that are none of her business - like when you see your grandchildren. How about next time it's "we wash your hair by 2pm or we don't do it today. I have to be somewhere else by 3pm." Making her own choices about what she does, fine, I agree she should be in the driving seat. Being a road hog about your own personal 24/7 - unsustainable, surely? I don't know how you stay so sweet-tempered (I'm envious).

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last resort- cracking me up! they could be sisters! mom cant get around at all but she has positioned her chair to where she can see in the kitchen through the reflection off the hutch. no getting away with anything. and yes, she dragggggggs out bedtime like a 5 yr old too. can I have another ice cube, did you turn the heat down, the curtains aren't closed tight enough, yadayadayada. She stays up until 3 am, wakes up at 9am and doses all day. I get up at 6am so I have a few hours to myself but then I'm beat by 9 pm. She wants me to stay up with her until 11. That is a continuing struggle.
we each have an ipad and she is 3 feet from me so she knows if I'm on f.b. or what. has been asking questions since I began on here now so I must be sneaky. "its nothing mom, just venting about you." hahaha never would do that! I laugh at it all as much as possible countrymouse. That's how I stay sane (or am I?)
I am finally starting to break her of meddling into my families business the way she does mine. She means well but gets things twisted and misspeaks to the wrong people now so I cant tell her much, but she used to be really bad about wanting to know private things like -how much $ does my son-in law earn ect.. got mad that I say IDK. I don't pry , my kids are adults. I treat them as such.

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Have you ever wanted to run away?

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