Help! I'm lost. The ER last night said my husband needs to be hospitalized, but he left AMA. I don't know what to do. Do I let him die?

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Help! I'm lost. The ER last night said my husband needs to be hospitalized, but he left AMA. I don't know what to do. Do I let him die?

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Saying in a caring way so please take it that way.............. Calm down. Have honest sit down discussion with husband (you may need to brace yourself for his answers) find out what he wants, and do your loving damnedest to follow his desires no matter what you would prefer. You have been together 37 years, its a long time and a loving time, but maybe his illness has become too much for him to want to carry on. In which case the hardest and most loving thing you can do is support him in his choice, contact hospice to come and visit and advise you on how you can care for him, and thank God for the time you have had together and how fortunate you are in being able to support your husband in whatever his choice(s) are.

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I am so sorry you and your dear husband are going through this. The MD told you correctly that stage 4 cancer cannot be cured. He hopes to treat it to buy more time, but that treatment, as you and your husband are aware, can be grueling, and I can assure you that people at times die of the treatment before they do of the disease.
Have you and your husband spoken about the cancer, the stage, and what he would want the end of his life to look like. Please try to get support now from hospice personnel to put his wishes into writing, so that you can carry them out for him when he is not able.
Does he want palliative care with medications for comfort only, and in home hospice to administer pain medications? Do you believe he is ready to "go" or is he just over the treatment. If you haven't discussed any of these things in these last years of treatment it will be hard to face them down all at once, but Hospice can be very helpful.
Do you have friends or family for support in this heartbreaking time?
So many of us thinking of you now in this hard time for you both.

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Susi, were you able to get in touch with Hospice today?
(((Hugs)))) and know that we're all thinking about you.

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Good luck and hugs. I know that scheduling the appointment with hospice is a terribly difficult thing to do, but I think your DH is saying that this is what he wants by leaving the hospital. Having the end of life discussion is HARD, but I'm glad hospice will be able to help you through it. My heart goes out to you!!

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That means a lot Katy. Thank you very much.

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My husband had cancer for 12 years, he finally gave up and refused treatment. It was his choice, and I accepted it. His battle could not be won, we were both worn to a frazzle, it was the right decision for both of us. Sending hugs your way!

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Dolly,
Your words mean so much, and incredibly echo what I've been through since 2011 with my DH. I so appreciate your time in writing this. Warmest thanks.

(6)

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Thank you Barb. Those are all great questions. I retired in 2014 to take care of him since this is the 3rd cancer since 2011-2012 but I'm now under a doctor's care for depression from burnout now since having all the doors shut in my face what with not qualifying for Medicale for AL or NH and and spending each day with medical appts, unexpected symptoms, chemo side effects med management, etc., etc., I have scheduled an appointment this AM to demand a hospice evaluation though.

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https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-stage-4-lung-cancer-life-expectancy-2249420

First off, big (((((((((hugs))))))))). And deep breaths.

Read the above link. Adenocarcinoma is treatable, meaning that it is life-limiting but life can be extended a bit. It sounds like DH doesn't want that.

It sounds like he wants treatment to stop and to get on with things. Making him comfortable should be the goal now, treating symptoms and not the disease.

It sounds like he would be eligible for hospice. Have you asked his doctors if he is hospice eligible? That won't give you much at home help, but it will provide some assistance and access to a social worker, chaplain and those kinds of supports.

I think you need to make a list of his day to day needs, sit down with him and figure out who is going to do what. Do you work? So who is going to prepare lunch? Get him dressed?

Do you need to hire outside help? Does he need to go to an Assisted Living facility?

Start by calling his doctors today about Hospice. He certainly made his views clear by leaving the hospital last night.

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I should demand hospice. They will ensure that he is made comfortable, and not only that but it is also part of their role to enhance his quality of life as far as possible.

So then:

EITHER he will receive the best possible comfort care while exercising his right to refuse treatment for his cancer;

OR an improvement in the care he's receiving will help restore his motivation to resume treatment, in which case he can choose to discharge himself from hospice and return to active therapies. It can't possibly be the wrong move!

Treatable not curable = we can slow the progression of the disease, we can mitigate its effects, but we can't get rid of it.

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What a comforting, thoughtful response to me. Thanks so much for caring.

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I’m very sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds extremely difficult. I don’t have any advice. As long as he is of sound mind, it’s true that he can refuse treatment. I’m sure he’s sick of hospitals. Speak with his doctor today and find out the options. *hugs*

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Thanks Julia: We've had 8 hospitalizations since March, 2019 and YES, it's extremely sad too. Such a vibrant man even 5 years ago when Cancer was in remission for the Esophagus. Bless you for your kindness. thank you

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Does California have physician assisted suicide law?

Call hospice to get him evaluated. He certainly has the right to refuse treatment.

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Yes we do, it’s established by the “6 months to live” diagnosis of a doctor. That might be an extreme measure here but we don’t know what she’s looking at or his wishes.

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Help! I'm lost. The ER last night said my husband needs to be hospitalized, but he left AMA. I don't know what to do. Do I let him die?

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