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Does anybody out there have a parent or in-law that acts like this? This came from an article I read about the spoilt brat / narcissist behavior. Please explain to me how you deal with this behavior and how much do you allow it to actually control your life before either just putting your foot down and saying enough and calling their bluff or backing away from the situation. I realize that they are our parents but when is enough just enough?

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I haven't read all the answers, but speaking from personal experience, enough is enough as soon as you said those words and felt those feelings. You are telling yourself that "enough is enough". Please listen. I am in my 60's and still dealing with a narcissistic parent. My biggest regret in life is wishing I knew back then what I know now. All the damage and hurt I allowed these people to inflict on me, and on my own family......I can't tell you how I regret it. My best advise to you from personal experience is educate yourself about healthy boundaries. Read as much as you can. Most of us raised by narcissistic parents were trained to believe our feelings didn't matter. Only their feelings matter. It takes a lot of work to undo this unhealthy thinking, but it's worth it!
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When their narcissism starts to affect you and your family’s mental stability then enough is enough. The narcissist has lived their life and probably didn’t take care of anyone the way you are caring for them. In my opinion your lifetime so far means you’ve already had enough. Try to stay strong. Don’t let them win. You have other family standing behind you and I bet they all have seen or encountered the horrible narcissist before
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hayleyamberw Sep 2018
Well said !!! I still haven't talked to or seen my mom since July 27th. That was my daughters 19th bday that day. She died when she was 4 in a car accident. I was with her. I swear it was sum kind of sign from her...i thank God everyday for my apartment. I work at my local hospital. I seen my so called mother come in for out patient treatment. Twice. I never acknowledged her. I just did my job & avoided the room she was in. I haven't felt this much at peace since my girl passed. It's nice. And the drama..gossiping..hate,etc is non existent in my life. It's like I'm on a vacation ☺... But I moved & that was the best thing I did. Now she's just a stranger. Nothing more. Sometimes you have to do what's BEST for YOU. Family does not mean they have a free pass to treat people however they want to. No. My family has treated me so horribly since my daughter died. And I've made that decision to walk away. I'm not turning back. I want a future that has good people in my life. That's it.
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Narcissistic parents want to live large but lack the necessary skills to make
that a reality. So mostly it's pure fantasy until the kind hearted care giver
steps in, totally unaware that they are going to be used horrifically.

You see, despite narcissists being delusional, one part of them is keenly aware
of how to behave in public and how to garner attention and approval. They
don't form real bonds as they're afraid everyone else is as Machiavellian as
they are. They assume the care giver is out to get them a great deal of the
time. Be it an inheritance, a family business, connections or simply inclusion.
They are like feral animals that crave living in a home, but due to paranoia
must always be on the lookout for an escape and also perversely feel the
need to destroy the home and care givers within as they make that escape.

I have never known a narcissist, malignant or otherwise, not to damage their
caregivers or right hand person, even if it's just idle damaging gossip. To care
for a narcissist is to invite damage. Let them know you're hurt, only incites them more. Remorse is either calculated or so short lived as to be useless.

There is no fixing a narcissist. Only by a terrible tragedy, abandonment or
by some miraculous introspection, will they change. They change without
you, not with your help.

For a narcissist, it is only enough when you either walk away, become too ill
to function or you die. Take your pick. If waiting for the above change of
heart, know it is as likely as remission from schizophrenia. 3%. And it must take place without you. They never change if their care giver is on hand to
continue softening the blows of real life and providing the fantasy.

Enough is never, never enough with a narcissist. Unless you're dead.
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AT1234 Sep 2018
I can not tell you how I needed to read this today. Part of what the narc does is make you think you’re the one in the wrong. At this writing I’ve gone no contact, and the fear and doubting myself is in full throttle!
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My heart is dead ... After 15 years of beating my head against the wall... giving 'her' a quality of life she never would have had... and, after she never supported me with my siblings... or, anyone... and, after her and my two brothers conspire against me, laughing, ignoring me and leaving me out of everything... I am completely done... I am numb... I am so dumb for ever having her move by (and with me)... It has been all damaging.... I sure can see how caregivers die first... and, why they don't want to live anymore... after loosing so much.
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hayleyamberw Aug 2018
Im so sorry...i too know exactly what you are going thru. I've put up with my mom for so many years. I was robbed of my childhood cause she has always been very selfish ...i got fired from being her pca worker. I moved out with nothing. I'd rather be in a empty apartment with a air mattress than being verbally & mentally abused by my mom & family. She just used me. I have no time for narcissistic & manipulation .
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My family and I have left churches because of narcissistic members whom the good people did nothing about because they were blinded by FOG coming from the narcissists. My narcissistic mother in law died 6 months ago which freed my wife, her twin sister and us son's in laws. My narcissistic, abusive mother died 5 years ago and I have not shed a tear. My wife had a very hard time getting her freedom which took years of therapy and hard work. I had a hard time getting my freedom plus dealing with painful memories that did not surface until several years ago for which I am in therapy and I have written four poems about.
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Good for you, Hayley! Life will be so much better for you from now on. Since I got away from my nutso family I rarely get depressed, and when I'm around an abusive person now it seems so shocking and outrageous that I leave right away--my boundaries and limits changed. Protecting yourself from meanness and unfairness is very wise!
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hayleyamberw Jul 2018
I feel alot more at peace..... I don't have nothing but an air mattress,groceries, etc...the necessities but that's fine. At least I'm not getting treated like trash any more. !!!
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Hayley - it is a success for all of us when one of us breaks away from the dysfunction. Enjoy your new place. Well done!!!
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hayleyamberw Jul 2018
Thank You!! My anxiety is so much btr now. It's totally peaceful at my place. I've worked very hard to get where I am. It's been along time since I've been this calm.❤
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Hayley - you are doing the right thing by getting away. Look after yourself - build up the life you want. As mally says, don't get hooked back in; Look out for the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. They will try to use that to manipulate you. They are sick.

Concentrate on staying healthy yourself. Reduce contact as much as you need to. I have found narcissists use money as part of their control. Get your self detached and emotionally distanced. There is good info online about narc mothers.

((((((hugs))))))
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hayleyamberw Jul 2018
Hugs to you as well !! I moved out 3 days ago... it's not the Best apartment but it's MINE ! I blocked my mothers calls. I am not looking back. She's been treating me like this for so long. And my so called sister is her twin. Like I said I was gone 5 years & came back after a bad breakup. And I walked into a warzone. I didn't deserve to b treated so badly. But narcissistic people don't or won't admit their wrong. I tried having a relationship with my mom. It's just not gonna happen. My kids are all grown & have their own lives. So I pretty much live alone. Which is fine with me. I think they are hesitant to get attached & that I might leave. But time will tell..Thank You 4 listening to me.. ❤
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Thank You ❤
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I'm glad you're glad, hayley; it may be scary at first, but it WILL be better! If they call and try to hook you back in, please do not fall for it; it will be worse than it already has been the next time. God bless and have a good time now!
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I'm glad I'm done ...i really am.
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Oh yeah...next week will be my last check...
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Good for you standing up for yourself. It will get easier with time and you will come to respect yourself for having a backbone. Bad idea to ever "play" in the same sandbox with a narcissist.
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Today i was officially fired from my mom . I no longer take care of her. And of course my replacements are her narcissistic daughter...my so called sister & my nephew.. these 3 ARE ALL SICK. And my mom has Been making me give her half of my checks.NOT ANYMORE. I GET paid weekly. So I'm gonna make sure she signs next week's papers cause I'm NOT GIVING HER A DIME. What kind of mother does this? A psycho..any input...? I could sure use some
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AT1234 Aug 2018
I got fired yesterday. She has moved out of AL and will “do it” alone. She’s hired a lady for a couple hours a day. I have no idea how this will ever work but I’m exhausted and beat.
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I know that this is too late, but I want to answer. I have a narcisstic parent (mother). Well, she were like this even when I was just a small child around the age of 4. Well, no need for the story since it is obvious, I'm only here to answer. The thing is that, I just knew that it was too much when I was 14 she had already convinced me that I was not good enough and that she was always right (mothers knows best). I became anorexic at the age of 12 and stopped at 14. I just bottled all my thoughts and then let it go when she decides to boast again about her work. Well, actually, ever since that happened, I started living with my grandmother, but sometimes, she comes home (and we fight) too. So basically, I combined all my thoughts, all my experiences and feelings with her into arguments. Don't let them control you. Maybe pretend (like I did) then leave them whrn you get abused. Easy.
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[ Heart2Heart wrote:
28 days ago
I'm with Bettina Haley... Get out if you can... when you can... 'They have no conscience ... It's those that care like you that suffer because you 'feel' (I'm also realizing this after decades of beating my head against a wall)... Nothing phases them... You've lost your daughter... That's enough for you to endure. Please know that you're a wonderful person... and, that you deserve a Beautiful life... without them (they don't deserve you)... 'We' must learn to not play into this toxic and dangerous game of the sick. ]





Heart2heart:



I agree with you 100 percent.



I think too many people try to rationalize the behavior of malignant narcissists. They try to use logic to explain to them when they make hurtful comments.  They likely do this hoping it will bring about a change of heart in an NPD.


This however is simply feeding the narcissist. They take pleasure in knowing how and why they hurt you. They will not use it to educate themselves on how to treat you better.



So telling them exactly what they said or did to hurt you or even acknowledging that they hurt you simply feeds their need for narcissistic supply.

There is a book called:

"People of the Lie: The Hope for Healing Human Evil" By M. Scott Peck ...

Peck is now dead and at the time he wrote the book he received a lot of flack from the medical profession because he labeled people with NPD as being truly evil.

Perhaps he was right. They are just evil, no matter the root cause.

When dealing with a malignant narcissist or NPD the best thing to do is to remove yourself from their lives, before they inflict so much damage that you become just like them.
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I agree !!! I just keep hoping I find anywhere to live soon...these people are driving me insane
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Caretaker13 Jul 2018
Oh my, Heather... thank you for your well-written insightful, sad but all too true post... I'm sorry you and so many of us ever have to figure all this out. I read "People of the Lie" by Scott Peck years ago... amazing, so helpful... so scary... (Remember the story about the sick parents who gave their second son a CHRISTMAS PRESENT of THE gun the first born son had used to kill himself...? Whoa!) I also read Peck's first incredibly insightful book "The Road Less Traveled" way back when I was still being cruelly manipulated by my mother and didn't know why (even though I was in my late 20's, she'd kept me so isolated my whole life, had to in order to keep up "appearances" with her church... they were more important than her husband and children of course. So I was very naive even at 27-28 years of age... but I was slowly learning and slowly escaping her clutches and her cult-like fundamentalist church's hold on my mind... and The Road Less Traveled helped me soooooo much.) Hope you are feeling freer and happier now Heather. Sincerely - Suzi
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I'm with Bettina Haley... Get out if you can... when you can... 'They have no conscience ... It's those that care like you that suffer because you 'feel' (I'm also realizing this after decades of beating my head against a wall)... Nothing phases them... You've lost your daughter... That's enough for you to endure. Please know that you're a wonderful person... and, that you deserve a Beautiful life... without them (they don't deserve you)... 'We' must learn to not play into this toxic and dangerous game of the sick.
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Thank You Bettina!!! Your so kind....hugs to you ❤🌷
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hayley, I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter. The most painful thing anyone
can experience. And you're living in a toxic environment now and how can you heal?

My mom should have been institutionalized, actually she was frequent topic of
convo with neighbors who wanted her placed because she was so combative
even with them. I was her care giver and everyday was hell with her. This kind
of experience can cause PTSD and its tough to get over,

You need to heal and live your life in a loving peaceful environment.
You've already done your time. You're luckier than most you've got a good job
and friends. Don't.lose.them. Go! Heal yourself and enjoy your life. Your mom
doesn't want to enjoy hers and likewise wants to prevent you from enjoying yours.
Get her set up and get the hell out. They will sap all the joy out of
your life. Don't let them!!!!!!! It wont help them anyways ,and it sure as hell wont help
you!! Good luck and (((hugs)))) .
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anonymous828521 Aug 2018
Thanks. You're so right about the ptsd (after having had a crazy mother). Of course, when I was a kid, I didn't realize that it was totally unnecessary for her to fight with the neighbors. (In fact, it just got me into trouble, cuz their kids would want to beat me up regularly). Panic constantly was how I grew up. I've tried so hard to live a normal life.
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I had a full blown argument with my mother 2 days ago..which...surprise surprise..she started. I'm sitting in my room (I live with her..im her pca worker). I can't get myself to talk to her or look at her. She doesn't either to me as well. I'm realizing at 43 how much I've emotionally been damaged by her behaviors. When I was 8 I had to take care of my siblings while she was in a mental institution all my childhood years. I was gone the last 5 years. And I can't believe I NVR realized who she really was. I'm currently trying to find my own place. I am a RNA. I have a good job & friends that are there 4 me. My sister is a clone of my mom. This is so hard to deal with when u live in the same household. Once I leave I wash my hands from these people. I was in a car accident 14 years ago...i lost my 4 yr old daughter...Time to call it ...Done.
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@SueC1957 . That is a sad kind of mixed blessing :(
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The ONLY good thing about late stage Alzheimer's is that the narcissism goes away, leaving a shell (body) of the person who used to be so self centered. Now they are so out of it mentally that there are no thoughts at all. It's a blessing and a tragedy at the same time. :(
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I'm doing telephone support groups through Ala non, Adult Children of Alcoholics,
and Overeaters Anonymous. Even if there isn't an active alcoholic currently in your
family, the destructive behavior and chaos of a narcissistic family member(s) is quite
similar to that of an alcoholic. And it really helps to have some support when you're too tired to even leave the house and you're beginning to doubt your own sanity.

Also, I used to drink to deal with the stress of dealing with the perpetual chaos caused
by the narcissists on my life. I switched to comfort eating and I'm finding that certain foods will really trigger depression. And It's pretty entrenched for me to reach for food when I'm stressed now. OA support groups have definitely started to help.
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This is a hard one as it is also the same situation I am in. I get blamed & treated like dirt. My so called mother & sister team up against me. It's sickening. I'm learning to control how I react to it. If anybody has any suggestions on how to be in a family like this or how to deal with a mother that's this way...please leave some reply
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Sometimes, distance is the best and only answer... and, there’s nothing wrong with that to keep one’s sanity, peace and quality of life.💕
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My mother & sister are VERY NARCISSISTIC. They team up & make up sum off the wall stuff. Oh boy... Most days I'm in the TWILIGHT ZONE... I don't want nothing to do with any of them. It's hard....
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GingerMay Jul 2018
Hayley I am in the same tough spot as you. Have a narc mom and sister who team up on me, twist events to their benefit, project all kinds of awful stuff on me. You aren't alone. Mom now has AD, which only make sister more influential and things have amped up. I've gone no contact with them. My life is so much better without them in it. Reading about narcissistic mothers, golden child and scapegoat child was very enlightening for me. Wishing you all the best.
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"There's no real solution it seems, just trying to cultivate calm and detachment from the insanity is my goal. It's hard to maintain new behaviors and not relapse into old patterns with them and not be enmeshed, but it's worth the continuous effort to try, repeatedly."

Well said --themiddleseat! Thank you for sharing that wisdom.
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LOL BlueRidge!!!! This is now my backup plan too! I think I should post this somewhere!!! Knowing this is an option ie put her in the hands of APS and walk has given me the core of strength I need. There is so much good advice and empathy here. I don't remember who said it but this site and the amazing people on it has given me so much strength and comfort. Bless you all!
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Have parent have a psych evaluation. My mother has been bipolar all my life but her medication calms her down. Back away as you will never call their bluff. It's a mental disease which you cannot win but you can tame. I sometimes feel it was their era to just be narcissistic. When my mother begins with an "I don't believe you" I tell her I am not going to watch a movie with you and be talked to in a mean manner and I leave the room. After a while, she will ask me to come back and I ask her is she going to be nice. Then she will complain about the commercials and I explain its free tv so someone pays for the movie which is the commercials. It soooo takes thick skin and only you know if you have it or if you have the wherewithal to grow it. Best of Luck
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