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I work as full time job as a teacher. Husband is sometimes not responsible with his meds, yells at me, and expects me to do things for him all the time. He is 57, bedbound with osteoarthritis. I am 60 and in pain from arthritis myself. I am not a nurse, never have been a nurse, don't want to be a nurse, but have found myself doing things for husband that are disgusting to me. He was a nurse and speaks to me angrily when I cannot accomplish things the way he wants them done. I am exhausted and depressed and I just don't know what to do. Money is tight. I can't put him in a facility and he wouldn't go anyway. So many things cannot be done for him because he is bedbound. All his teeth have fallen out. I am beginning to get to the end of my rope.

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There is always a way out - move to Oregon. If he is such a misery he can end it there
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Oh TerriWade, what a sad situation you are in! My heart goes out to you.

I get crabby when I'm sick, so I can relate to your husband's ill-temper. But he is not going to get better in a few days, apologize, and thank everyone for their patience. Somehow he has to learn to manage his bad moods in a way that is respectful of you. Is there any other adult who he might listen to about this? A golf buddy, a minister, his boss from when he used to work? Anybody who could counsel him about how lucky he is to have you? If you can think of anybody, try to arrange it!

Would addressing the obesity help him be more comfortable? I assume you are in charge of his food now.

If something happened to you, what would become of your husband? Who would take care of him or where would he live, etc.? I sincerely hope that nothing happens to you, but the point is that SOMETHING would be done for him. Can you figure out what those somethings might be, and get some of them put into place now?

Does he receive disability payments? If so he is eligible for Medicaid. That may help financially.
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Thank you all for your answers so quickly! Husband has complete degeneration of his knee and hip joints. He has gone from walking, to a cane, to two canes, to a push wheelchair (which I had to push), to a powerchair, and then to bed when he could no longer stand or get out of bed to get into the chair or get to the bathroom. OT and PT's have seen him and declared him bedridden. Nothing can be done, not even surgery, partly because of his obesity, partly because he won't do it. I actually have done most of the things you have suggested, including threatening divorce. I have a wonderful friend who lives here with me, too, and she is helping me as much as she can, but she is fighting Stage 4 cancer. Again, thank you. I don't feel so alone anymore!
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It sound like he feels powerless due to being bedridden. As a nurse, he would have been taught to do things a certain way and then expects everyone to have his level of skill. I am wondering if he can't receive medical treatment that would enable him to not be bedridden but be in a wheel chair where he can be mobile and feel freer. My mother has osteoarthritis and it's pretty crippling but she walks on a cane. He has no right to verbally abuse you no matter how frustrated he is. Ask him how he would like it if you divorced him and he had to care for himself without you as a target for his frustration. It would give him food for thought. You do not deserve this kind of ill treatment.
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Bedridden with osteoarthritis? Not moving is your worst enemy with osteoarthritis. Orthopedists have a saying "Motion is lotion for arthritic joints." I had both hips replaced because of osteoarthritis and went back to working as a staff nurse in a hospital. If your husband does not have an orthopedist, I'd get a referral to one. If he has one, and the orthopedist endorses be in bed for osteoarthritis, I'd get new orthopedist. I find myself wondering what other issues there are in your husband's life. Does he have rheumatoid arthritis, not osteoarthritis? Is he depressed? Does he have dementia? I know none of this addresses your issues of feeling overwhelmed. I am sorry that you are in this situation. I'd endorse a massage for you monthly, weekly if you can afford it.
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id leave the room and tell him ill be back when hes ready to act civil and appreciative. im a small businessperson and the first thing i had to learn was to stand up for myself. it got me tossed in jail once but some things are worth the price.
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Ahhh, don't they say doctors make the worst patients? I imagine the same goes for nurses. Have you asked for help from any family? Can anyone step in for even one day a week a few hours to give up you a break? I say this to my Dad and he asks what good would a few hours a week do but I think it would do a lot!!! If you can find something to recharge your batteries. Like hot yoga- that would help with your arthritis but do a modified version. Or even a weekly massage. Yes, it costs money but with your own pain it would be worth it , I think.
If your husband does not have any mental issues , like dementia, I would tell him to kiss my patooty if he talked badly to me when I was trying my best. No , really, both of your worlds have changed and you both need time to learn how to adjust to your new roles. You as a caregiver and him as a patient. My Dad can be very hostile to my Mom who has mobility issues and dementia and she can get very impatient with him so for Christmas I made them tee-shirts. They are just white tee shirts that I printed in black letters -on hers it says "BE NICE" on his it says -"BE PATIENT" . So when my Mom wears her shirt he sees the be nice and vice versa. Mom wears her shirt a lot!! Maybe get on made for yourself to wear that says -"I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN!".
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